How does one heal from loving a commitmentphobe?

[Heartford]

"Oh crap, this isn't all fun and light anymore! Get me outta here!"[/QUOTE]

 

Wow, I hadn't really thought of it that way (consciously anyway), but now it's certainly all falling into place, as I think over our history. It's mindboggling how selfish they can be, not caring how you might be feeling as they run for the hills. And I guess it's out of selfishness too when they come back all wonderful and full of love-they get some kind of reassurance of how loveable they are, but then freak out because of the closeness that follows that kind of thing, so they run again? Just toying with the person who cares for them? Do they really want to be intimate but can't handle it, or do they not care how they make you feel? More importantly I suppose, is that it doesn't matter, if I'm left feeling this way?

[irishsimon]

 

@irishsimon -- It's CERTAINLY OK if a guy chimes in here!! This experience is not exclusive to women. It sounds like your reaction in your recent relationship wasn't just due to you. If she remained emotionally withdrawn, it's understandable why you remained withdrawn as well. The thing with CP behavior is a bit different. In the beginning, they're ALL IN and they act and even believe that they've found their one and only. They get to a level of emotional attachment that produces real panic and anxiety and then WHAM, they bail. It doesn't sound like that's what you're doing. It sounds more like you're being cautious in the beginning which I don't think is a bad thing. I wish I had been more cautious before diving head first into this relationship!!

 

This is what worries me. I have issues.. but I'm aware of myself and try to deal with them and manage them. I dived in head first as I honestly hadn't met anyone like this girl before which is a classic CP trait. I gave everything but I did hold back on expressing all my issues as she has issues in her family and I was scared as she seemed a bit unavailable from the outset and it hit my self esteem which was alreday heading downward. Eventually this led me to withdraw. She probably sees me a CP now when I'm nothing of the sort. All I want is an equal footing with someone I love.

[Beeotch]

Joining the club as well....my ex has a dismissive avoidant attachment style which shows up in certain commitment phobic behavior.

 

The similarities are frightening and the insight is wonderful....

[LisaUk]

My ex's behavior fits the description of the original poster's link to that article! I've never read about, or thought my ex was CP because we dated for over two years. Does the amount of time you dated matter? That article described my ex to a T! The more that I think about it, the more I think he may be a CP. I'll have to read up more on it.

 

Sorry to those of you that are hurting I'm right there with you.

 

Hi Tori

 

Length of relationship is irrelavant with CP, the He's Scared, She's Scared book explains that each CP has their own unique trigger point, the point at which they feel there is no escape. For my ex, he was happy enough for 18 years until I asked him to set the date to marry and there were no more "ligitimate" excuses. For him it's marriage, he doesn't believe in divorce. His parents have a terrible marraige, he grew up in an emotional abusive enviroment, listening to arguments, door banging going on for 7 or 8 hours a day non stop sometimes. They make no secret of the fact they resent each other and being "stuck" in a marriage b/c they don't belive in divorce.

 

The book explains it all really well, some CP's even marry and have children, they freak and run at the birth of a child for example, or birth of the last child, it's "fear of the ever after". Some stay and manage the fear by keeping parts of themselves back from the relationship, or working excessive hours. What it boils down to is fear of intimacy.

[Serena2009]

This is what worries me. I have issues.. but I'm aware of myself and try to deal with them and manage them. I dived in head first as I honestly hadn't met anyone like this girl before which is a classic CP trait. I gave everything but I did hold back on expressing all my issues as she has issues in her family and I was scared as she seemed a bit unavailable from the outset and it hit my self esteem which was alreday heading downward. Eventually this led me to withdraw. She probably sees me a CP now when I'm nothing of the sort. All I want is an equal footing with someone I love.

 

Irishsimon -- I think you may be being too rough on yourself. Everyone has issues but not everyone is self aware of what their issues are. The fact that you're self aware of your issues denotes health. From what I've read in Steven Carter/Julia Sokol's books and in my personal experience, CP's don't hold back on their personal issues in a relationship. In fact they often blurt many of them out which makes them seem open and willing to be vulnerable to their partner. Being open and vulnerable in this way, in other words, this type of intimacy leads the partner assume the CP is emotionally connected to them. After all, why would they disclose lots of personal stuff if they have a problem with intimacy. This was the case with my situation. I'm interested to know if others on this thread experienced the same thing. Anyway, your description of your behavior is that you held back from some self disclosure to her because you sensed she may be emotionally unavailable and you didn't feel comfortable taking the risk. I don't see this as CP. In my case, I held back on sharing certain past experiences in the relationship because I wanted to live in the present. He disclosed much more than I did. You've got me thinking, maybe this was upsetting to him. I always told him that he could ask me anything and I would answer truthfully, and I would have. The last time I saw him he said, "You're holing back. You're not telling me everything. You're hiding." I said, "Ask me anything and I'll answer." I really don't have any big secrets I'm hiding and I have no idea of what he wanted to know. Anyway. . . you've got me thinking.

[Heartford]

Irishsimon -- I think you may be being too rough on yourself. Everyone has issues but not everyone is self aware of what their issues are. The fact that you're self aware of your issues denotes health. From what I've read in Steven Carter/Julia Sokol's books and in my personal experience, CP's don't hold back on their personal issues in a relationship. In fact they often blurt many of them out which makes them seem open and willing to be vulnerable to their partner. Being open and vulnerable in this way, in other words, this type of intimacy leads the partner assume the CP is emotionally connected to them. After all, why would they disclose lots of personal stuff if they have a problem with intimacy. This was the case with my situation. I'm interested to know if others on this thread experienced the same thing. Anyway, your description of your behavior is that you held back from some self disclosure to her because you sensed she may be emotionally unavailable and you didn't feel comfortable taking the risk. I don't see this as CP. In my case, I held back on sharing certain past experiences in the relationship because I wanted to live in the present. He disclosed much more than I did. You've got me thinking, maybe this was upsetting to him. I always told him that he could ask me anything and I would answer truthfully, and I would have. The last time I saw him he said, "You're holing back. You're not telling me everything. You're hiding." I said, "Ask me anything and I'll answer." I really don't have any big secrets I'm hiding and I have no idea of what he wanted to know. Anyway. . . you've got me thinking.

 

Yes, I've experienced this Serena. Early on he was very open about things related to his divorce (very short marriage) and counseling he'd been in, family issues, etc- looking back I feel he sounded more open than he was, meaning he didn't have much insight into his own role in his life. I, like you and IrishSimon, held back a little, and when I did open up I often felt like I'd hit a wall- he didn't have much to say about it. So I'd hold back again. One time after I really opened up and tried discussing what about my past lead me to react to him during an argument in a certain way he said "great, now I know we both come from dysfunctional families." It wasn't said in a supportive manner, and not even totally sarcastic. It was oddly cold.

[Serena2009]

Joining the club as well....my ex has a dismissive avoidant attachment style which shows up in certain commitment phobic behavior.

 

The similarities are frightening and the insight is wonderful....

 

@Beeotch -- I've been reading about attachment orientations as well. The thing that has me baffled about CP behavior is that they have features of both anxious and avoidant attachment orientations. Maybe I'm getting too clinical here. I've also read about relationship OCD (ROCD) which is something I'd never heard of. Maybe I'm getting to clinical here. Anyway, the fact is it's hearbreaking and it SU$%S!!

[Serena2009]

Yes, I've experienced this Serena. Early on he was very open about things related to his divorce (very short marriage) and counseling he'd been in, family issues, etc- looking back I feel he sounded more open than he was, meaning he didn't have much insight into his own role in his life. I, like you and IrishSimon, held back a little, and when I did open up I often felt like I'd hit a wall- he didn't have much to say about it. So I'd hold back again. One time after I really opened up and tried discussing what about my past lead me to react to him during an argument in a certain way he said "great, now I know we both come from dysfunctional families." It wasn't said in a supportive manner, and not even totally sarcastic. It was oddly cold.

 

@Heartford -- From what you experienced, there was a reason why you held back. He acted indifferent when you expressed yourself and then used the information to nail you. My CP guy never did this. He always listened intently and was very supportive of me when I shared personal experiences. I was in a past relationship with a guy who collected information and then nailed me with it like your guy did. It never happened in this relationship.

[irishsimon]

The last few posts are now making me wonder if my ex had some CP at some level. Something in her gets triggered if its not 'perfect enough'. She was treated badly in her previous LTR and ended up on meds. Her dad is unavailable as he is bipolar. She has little accountability for what happened between us and while I know my failings, have corrected them to the best of my ability and done everything to make amends I still seem to be shouldering ALL the blame in our post break-up analysis. One thing is really standing out to me.. she has hung a large portion of the blame on me not letting her in and has said a number of times if only I had let her in she would have been there for me. Really?

 

Though.. it would be very easy for me to find fault with her as I havent felt that wonderful taking all the rap.

 

I was always fully supportive of my ex when she wanted to share. It was like I was dying for her to do it as I didnt get enough. I too told her to ask me anything as I wanted her to get more involved and build intimacy. There seems to be a fine line and a bit of confusion with many CP traits and I feel its easy to confuse that with genuine people who are just a bit lost. I draw the distinction that I didnt bail despite the fact I withdrew and didn't handle everything that well. Maybe I am being too hard on myself Serena. Wouldnt be like me! This whole experience has left me feeling that I'm emotionally unhealthy.. and you saying it denotes health is reminding me that my counselor said the same thing. Its just starting to sink in. Thank you!

[Heartford]

You're right Serena, he did do that-the old 'collect and nail' routine. It's a form of betrayal I think, and it certainly is a good way to avoid intimacy. I'm reading another thread about emotional uncertainty and what people are sharing there (including you I think?) is really sad but helpful, as well.

[kimbop]

My CP broke up with me 5 times. The first time he pulled back until I forced it out of him that he didn't love me anymore. After 4 months, he claimed that he did and wanted to try again. That was in April. Since then he broke up with me another 4 times. Once a month.... almost regular like his Aunt Flo was coming to town. The first time he called me, the second time he emailed me saying that he had to go away for a weekend to think about us, the third he texted that he couldn't do it anymore and finally the fourth time (the most recent) he texted again. He didn't even have the balls to confront me in person or pick up the phone. And throughout this entire 4 heart wrenching months, we barely ever spent any time together because he always had to work, deal with family issues or some other bs excuse. The weekends he had free, he would pull this "I can't do this anymore" mumbo jumbo, of course through text.

 

I think I have a pretty bad CP because he neither brought me flowers to say he was sorry. All he gave me was pitiful sad faces, tears and sometimes he would buy me cheap Vietnamese food. And he does earn significantly more than what I earn.

 

The best thing is he texted me today (again since he could possibly not have the decency to call) asking whether he should get help before we try again??!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!! I just want to punch something! I don't know why I'm considering even taking him back. I really REALLY don't want to but there's something inside of me that prevents the rational behavior from occuring. I think I need therapy.

 

I got upset with myself so I started to look up what's wrong with me. Apparently I have a people pleasing fixer type personality so I keep on coming back for more punishment thinking I can change him. Maybe all of us do to some extent accepting the CP back in our lives over and over again.

[Surfer Girl]

I grew up in a healthy family.... always had that self esteem.... but when it came to him..... I completely changed.... as I was so in love... and believed he loved me..... He changed my world... as I did not grow up dysfunctional.... you would have thought I would have seen the signs.... NOOOO.... it wasn't until I was totally hooked.... my naive blind sight.... When I finally found what he really was.... I had already become addicted.... and that is the sad part.... he made me unhealthy.... because he made me believe I was the one.....It will take time to get out of this rollercoaster ride..... He was always the one to say I want a healthy relationship.... I want more..... I am one messed up soul because of me falling for what I believed in........ I want myself back....

[kimbop]

There seems to be a fine line and a bit of confusion with many CP traits and I feel its easy to confuse that with genuine people who are just a bit lost. I draw the distinction that I didnt bail despite the fact I withdrew and didn't handle everything that well. Maybe I am being too hard on myself Serena. Wouldnt be like me! This whole experience has left me feeling that I'm emotionally unhealthy.. and you saying it denotes health is reminding me that my counselor said the same thing. Its just starting to sink in. Thank you!

 

You're only emotionally unhealthy if you let your emotions carry on and become distorted which leads to irrational thoughts and behaviors. I don't think you are if you try to dissect why you feel the way you do, understand the origin, absorb it and then move on.

 

I wonder sometimes if emotional pain can be handled like physical pain. You see a cut, feel the pain, see the wound, clean it up and let it recover. Maybe that's what we should be doing rather than trying to dig into the cut to see if anything else got damaged and in the process make the wound and the pain even worse.

[kimbop]

I grew up in a healthy family.... always had that self esteem.... but when it came to him..... I completely changed.... as I was so in love... and believed he loved me..... He changed my world... as I did not grow up dysfunctional.... you would have thought I would have seen the signs.... NOOOO.... it wasn't until I was totally hooked.... my naive blind sight.... When I finally found what he really was.... I had already become addicted.... and that is the sad part.... he made me unhealthy.... because he made me believe I was the one.....It will take time to get out of this rollercoaster ride..... He was always the one to say I want a healthy relationship.... I want more..... I am one messed up soul because of me falling for what I believed in........ I want myself back....

 

Surfer Girl, you can get a handle of yourself. It takes two people to make a relationship work or to ruin it so completely and disastrously that it leaves such a lasting and sorrowful impression afterwards. You need to own up to your part in this and understand why you let him get you so hooked to him. I did it for myself and have accepted that I'm taking after my mom who is a fixer and should have left my dad ages ago but stayed at the detriment of her own emotional well being.

 

Blaming everything on him will only lead you to distrust men so much that it can have an impact on your future relationships. Know thyself so you're more prepared for whatever loony lands on your lap. Be strong sister.

[Serena2009]

The best thing is he texted me today (again since he could possibly not have the decency to call) asking whether he should get help before we try again??!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!! I just want to punch something! I don't know why I'm considering even taking him back. I really REALLY don't want to but there's something inside of me that prevents the rational behavior from occuring. I think I need therapy.

 

I think you should text him back and say, "Yes, by all means get some help." You don't have to agree to take him back or say anything about the relationship but since he's asking you if he should get help . . . tell him yes. You were hoping for him to have an epiphany . . . the only hope for this is with help. It may or may not happen with help, but it definately won't happen without help!! After he's had a sufficient amount of counseling, you can decide whether its worth it to invest anymore in the relationship.

[caramel c]

CP'S really piss me off.

[kimbop]

CP'S really piss me off.

 

They sure are a**holes. But then again this culture is all about the "me-isms" e.g. Will this make ME happy; what can I do to make MY life fulfilled regardless of the harm it inflicts to those around us. There's no accountability to anyone but MEs everywhere. With such an egocentric driven society we're bound to encounter rampant CPs and their victims (us).

[caramel c]

They sure are a**holes. But then again this culture is all about the "me-isms" e.g. Will this make ME happy; what can I do to make MY life fulfilled regardless of the harm it inflicts to those around us. There's no accountability to anyone but MEs everywhere. With such an egocentric driven society we're bound to encounter rampant CPs and their victims (us).

 

You know what...I hope and pray I never experience this again. That's all I can do. I mean, I didn't see it coming...I don't know what kind of lesson I'm supposed to learn this time.

[kimbop]

You know what...I hope and pray I never experience this again. That's all I can do. I mean, I didn't see it coming...I don't know what kind of lesson I'm supposed to learn this time.

 

I don't think there's really a lesson. I think you should take away that you gave your love and hopes freely to a person and don't feel any regret doing it even if it's to the wrong individual. You have the ability to love and the ability to commit. Thus you will meet someone in the future who will reciprocate while the douch will continue on this cycle of self destruction and loneliness.

[Serena2009]

I grew up in a healthy family.... always had that self esteem.... but when it came to him..... I completely changed.... as I was so in love... and believed he loved me..... He changed my world... as I did not grow up dysfunctional.... you would have thought I would have seen the signs.... NOOOO.... it wasn't until I was totally hooked.... my naive blind sight.... When I finally found what he really was.... I had already become addicted.... and that is the sad part.... he made me unhealthy.... because he made me believe I was the one.....It will take time to get out of this rollercoaster ride..... He was always the one to say I want a healthy relationship.... I want more..... I am one messed up soul because of me falling for what I believed in........ I want myself back....

 

Surfer Girl -- YOU will get YOU back!! Don't worry!! You will heal from this and be stronger as a result. A good friend of mine said to me about this experience, "Be happy that you are able to love genuinely and give of yourself freely. Some people can't do that." I thought about that and it is true. You believed in him, loved him, and trusted him because you have those internal traits yourself. In other words, you are trustworthy, loving, and giving. Because you have these virtues, of course you assumed he had these virtues as well. Don't kick yourself yourself for having faith in another human being. The traits you hold are honorable. They were part of you before this relationship and they are part of you now. The fact of the matter is, you never left you. I know it hurts like he!! but the only way it wouldn't hurt is if we were without the capacity to trust love and care. Be strong. This too will pass.

[Serena2009]

cp's really piss me off.

 

ditto!!!!!!!!!

[jb1173]

While I'm hurt and angry, I still love him. I wish I didn't, but the heart has a mind of its own, I suppose.

[CLC2008]

I came across this article, and I love it, so I wanted to share it with some of you..

Love, versus the “feeling of love”

 

There have been a number of posts here where people are caught up in a struggle of trying to find out where that magical “feeling of love” went in their lives, or trying to get a handle on whether they are really loved by their partner.

 

The clues are all around us that this approach to “love” isn’t working the way it “should”. Affairs, breakups, fights, unhappy marriages all struggle with the “love issue”. I think we’ve been all led down the garden path to the swamp, instead of to Eden. I think we have learned all too well to put the cart before the horse.

 

Love is a choice first, a feeling second. In my life, the feelings that come back to me when I make loving choices are more magical and awe-inspiring than I ever dreamed possible. This simple truth (a truth to me, that is) has made life so much simpler, and easy - and “genuine love”, I believe, IS easy and simple. I often use the phrase “love is so simple, even a child can do it” as a reality check for me. Our children can give us some of the greatest lessons about love, when we let them.

 

Love happens when we make choices that support the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of ourselves and others. There is never a clash between what is truly best for us, and truly best for others. If there seems to be a clash, then we haven’t found the loving solution yet; we may be close, but we aren’t all the way there yet.

 

Genuine love doesn’t cause pain, but it ALLOWS it to be felt. In fact, love heals by bringing pain to the surface, so that it can teach us what it needs to, and help us heal. So paradoxically, a truly loving relationship is anything but pain-free, but that pain comes from healing, not new cuts. Like helping your partner recover from a bad burn accident. That acceptance and understanding of pain helps kick in another wonderful aspect of love, it’s own pain reliever. Some people call them tears and hugs.

 

Making loving choices also means not co-operating with other people’s attempts to hurt us. Because when we co-operate in helping someone hurt us, we also play a part in helping them to hurt themselves. Not accepting abuse is loving. Not taking offense at unkind words is loving, as well as not striking back. This part of love also means not accepting other people’s expectations, judgements, criticisms, and demands of us, except for those parts which we can use to help our own well-being, if we accept them by free choice.

 

Love doesn’t always give immediate returns. When you plant a rose, it doesn’t blossom the next day. But every seed blossoms, if we allow it to, and nurture it with loving choices in as many aspects of our lives as we can. Some love seeds sprout magically right away, others take more time.

 

But those that take more time usually blow us away in joy when they do blossom, so the wait is worth it.

 

Love doesn’t ask perfection of us. In fact, it rejoices in our imperfections as much as our strengths. It’s our imperfections that give us empathy with others who are in pain and struggling with life. And empathy is very much part of love. I am smart, and stupid. Both. And both are wonderful parts of me. So when someone calls me stupid now, I can much more easily say “thank you.” And inside, I remind myself that what THEY send out, will come back to them as well, without any effort from me.

 

I can only give as much love to others as I give myself. This to me is a fundamental rule. The less kindness and caring I give to all the different aspects of me - the child and the grownup - the less kindness and caring I’m able to give to others. When I try, it’s usually by deluding myself I can, and this kind of faking-it “love” always backfires sooner or later.

 

All I can do is to try to make as many loving choices as I can today. The more I make each day, the more practice I get, and anything improves with practice - if I’m letting the right “lessons” guide me. I think there is rejoicing in heaven each time one of us catches ourselves, and makes a loving choice in place of a usual “unloving” choice. It makes the world around us just a little bit brighter, and makes our own souls sing just a little bit clearer.

 

Finally, love holds many, many paradoxes. We can only keep what we give away. We surrender to win. We let go to receive. Love is the most selfish thing we can give ourselves, and the least selfish. Both at the same time. Many of our problems come from not being selfish enough. When we settle for solutions that aren’t truly loving, we lose out, and so do others. A loving choice always gives us the most back in any situation, and gives others the best, even though logically we may not see how. But this is a limitation of our brains, not love.

 

If we want to feel more love than we ever imagined or dare hope we could, there’s a simple path. Make as many loving choices as we can each day, each moment - for ourselves, as well as others. The returns, the joy, the feelings of love will flow back to us 10 fold for whatever we send out.

 

That’s my spiel!

[georgia girl]

Alright, survivors... here's my question? When they acknowledge their fears, agree to work on it and give every appearance of doing so, is it just another cycle?

 

I'm getting more and more content without my guy, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself because we're dating again. So, I keep asking myself, before I get back into another mess, should I cut my losses? Or does he really mean it?

 

Damn, CPs piss me off, too!

[Heartford]

Alright, survivors... here's my question? When they acknowledge their fears, agree to work on it and give every appearance of doing so, is it just another cycle?

 

I'm getting more and more content without my guy, but I wonder if I'm fooling myself because we're dating again. So, I keep asking myself, before I get back into another mess, should I cut my losses? Or does he really mean it?

 

Damn, CPs piss me off, too!

 

I'm not exactly a survivor, but I'm in the midst of it too, in a way. I'd say weigh heavily the part above where you say he gives 'every appearance of doing so.' That is action, right? And that's what counts. Trust yourself that even if turns out to be another cycle, you'll be able to handle it and cut your losses when you're ready. You can't really count on him at this point, but you can and must count on yourself.