bf has ex gf's numbers in his phone

[raine]

So I looked through my bf's phone last night, I know that is wrong but I was trying to get his best friend's number so I could call and ask a question about a Christmas gift for my bf. There were multiple ex girlfriend's phone numbers in there. I told him about it and he said it is no big deal they are good friends of his. This morning I asked him to delete them and we got into a big argument. He said that he doesn't see why he should have to delete them. He doesn't want to be with them but he may want to contact them one day in the future because they are "friends". One in particular he says is a real good friend that he knew for 5-6 years. I say why is it a big deal to delete them. He says he hasn't talked to them in a long time but why does he want to contact them in the future? It makes me sick that he wants to keep their numbers. I really don't think he would cheat on me but I feel like he is holding on to them as a back up or because he can't let go.

 

Any comments?

[UCFKevin]

You're being overbearing.

 

Do you trust him at all?

[raine]

Yes, I trust him as much as I can. I do have a hard time trusting people and men especially. I have a hard time believing that the truly love me. Why is it overbearing. Must he keep so many ex's numbers? Why?

[so_confused7]

It's just his cell phone's phonebook- i would not worry a thing about that... heck i still have several of my ex's in there for the same reason- you never know when you might need to get in touch with them for something! It's not like i am blowing up their phones all the time b/c i dont - it's just a phone #!! Plus it makes you look super insecure to try and argue over something like that- just know that you have the guy now and maybe he wants to call them and brag about you- who knows!!

If you are going to go thru his cell phone- heck at least be worried about the dialed/received call logs NOT the phonebook!!!

[raine]

I know you are right. I am overly insecure but I don't keep my ex's numbers. Why is it such an issue for him to delete them? If he looked through my phone and ask me to delete numbers I would because they wouldn't be that important to me. They are in the past and I let go of past relationships. I highly doubt he would be bragging about me if he talked to them or anyone. He doesn't like to mention the gf to other people sometimes when I meet people I get the feeling they are surprised he even has a girlfriend. I can't see any possible reason he would need to get a hold of them other than socially to talk to hang out.

[yogi-mon]

Your being nuts.

He might want to keep her number for a long time. Tough. Treat him good and he will stay with you.

You cant stop things like that, trying to be protective of the person and sufficate them will only make

them want to go out and do things more (subconciously) because they feel your weak.

 

Be strong and you'll be fine.

For gods sakes, dont think about stuff like that

[raine]

I am nuts. I don't like the idea and probably never will like the idea that he keeps ex gf's numbers on the backburner.

 

A piece of information to add is that we have been together a year.

[yogi-mon]

I have my EX girlfriends number in my head, its not going to disappear.

I have it there because we went out for 3 years, and in that time, I realized

shes a wonderful person, someone I would like to keep in touch with from

time to time. Not because I want to **** her, date her, love her, or go out

with her.

 

I want to know when shes getting married, if she has a child, how things

in her life shape up.

 

You cant be so jealous as to think that he "cant know about other people"

human relationships of all kinds are important, so just relax, and love him,

and your own human relationships

 

jealousy is a dead end.

[raine]

It makes me sick that he still has feelings for other women. Fine, they were wonderful people but why do you have to know about their future? They moved on and so did you so why not just let it go? I know I will never get away from that. Sometimes I think that I should just be alone the rest of my life because I can't handle these normal or natural things in a relationship. I want to be the only woman in my man's life and mind. I know that will never happen.

[yogi-mon]

Your worried about losing him. That is fine, tell him that, confess your love. He will tell you this: I love you very much, and I have her number because: xxxxxxx. Some things about a relationship are hard to deal with. Believe me, I know.

 

You ARE the only woman in his life. You are the most important woman in his life. Because he has the ability to contact her does not make her important. He will ALWAYS have the ability to contact her, or someone new.

 

He will be with you, because he loves you. As long as the former is true, you will be together.

 

The alternative, is to take him away, and hide him from the world, and keep him all to yourself, afraid

of losing him to everyone else.

 

Just relax - HE LOVES YOU.

PS he doesnt have feelings for her he just wants to know very occasionally, what she is upto.

[raine]

Thank you. I'm sure you are right. He does know I am scared of losing him and he does try to reassure me. I always overreact and think the worst. I'm in therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping much. I just get so upset about these things and can't think about anything else. I have started reading a book about obsessive bad thoughts. Hopefully it will help me. I somtimes really think that there is no help for me or I am just too much of a bi&^* to change. Other times I wonder if there is a "perfect" match for me out there to where everything will be in sinc. I know that I will find a problem in anyone though. I just don't know why he wants to know what she is up to. I can't relate, I don't ever feel that way about my ex's. I honestly do believe that he still has feelings for her too. Maybe not in a way that he wants to be in a relationship but in a bonding way. I wish I could hide him and myself from the world.

 

Thank you again.

[yogi-mon]

like i said above. He wants to know if they have childern, etc - much like I want to know when my guy friends get married etc.

 

same thing.

 

But, I dont think your being a bitch. I think your being human. Its natural to have feelings of jealousy

however it is UNNATURAL to demand him to delete them. Then he is just feeding your jealousy.

[raine]

I just can't relate or understand. Why do you want to know those things. Who cares? They are not a part of your life anymore, why does it matter? I mean he has a long distance phone number from college and he won't even change it to a local number for fear that people won't be able to get a hold of him. I say if they really needed to or wanted to they could.

[yogi-mon]

Being jealous is the easy way out. Being strong is the hard way out. Sometimes the hard way is the right way.

Conqour your jealousy and you will feel ALOT better. About everything. And you wont waste so much

of your VALUEABLE life time thinking ****ty thoughts which make you feel like crap. Get a hobby or something.

 

I once had a girlfriend who got jealous because I had overalls which were showing my boxers (just the top of them)

I stopped wearing them for her - i found out later that it would not be the end of it.

Eventually, she was asking "where i was, who was there, was she pretty blah blah" It eventually ended only when I dumped her.

[raine]

I am my own worst enemy. I know. I will drive him away and anyone else who may come into my life. I just don't know how to control the feelings.

[yogi-mon]

just let yourself love the things about him, care for him, think about all the reasons you love him

dont think about losing him,

[moimeme]

I know you are right. I am overly insecure but I don't keep my ex's numbers. Why is it such an issue for him to delete them? If he looked through my phone and ask me to delete numbers I would because they wouldn't be that important to me. They are in the past and I let go of past relationships

 

Raine

 

Your first mistake is thinking that your boyfriend must be exactly like you. Because YOU 'let go of past relationships' does not mean that HE must be exactly like that. I have letters and photos and contact information for people I haven't seen for years. They have all been parts of my life and I treasure them for that. It doesn't mean I want any old boyfriends back or that I will ever contact them again, but it's a tribute to their role in my life (even though some caused me huge difficulties.)

 

You don't feel that way. You would only keep others' numbers if you still cared about them or hoped to get back together, I suppose, so you assume that he is doing that for the same reason. You need to realize that all humans do not think the same way and the motivations you might have are not identical to those he might have and vice versa.

 

Take another example. Some people are tossers - I bet you're one of those. They pitch anything that's not currently useful. Other people are hoarders - they hang on to stuff they may not be using now 'just in case'. I'll bet your bf is like that. Neither understands the other's point of view. What you need to do is respect it.

 

You are also the person having trouble with strip clubs. It seems you have huge amounts of insecurity and that you are terrified that your men will prefer someone to you. If your therapy isn't working, it might be time to find another therapist because you have some deep-seated issues you need to get rid of for your own sake.

 

Have you seen the list of books about jealousy I posted on a couple other threads? If not, let me know. I'll hunt it up again and post it for you.

[raine]

I do have huge insecurity problems. I have only been in therapy for a few weeks and it seems to be helping some. I have recently started a book that I'm hoping will help as well. I did see the list that was posted and sent in requests to my library for them. Another interesting fact I learned about the ex that was in the phone book is that she was his 1st. He holds on dearly to his past, he won't even change his long distance phone number for fear that anyone he has ever met and gave his number to will not be able to get a hold of him. I can understand keeping momentums and numbers but must they be in his cell phone? Can't they be in a book put away somewhere? She is the only ex that was in there, all others he let go of. We have talked about it and are going to work through this together. I know that I can't be totally crazy about this bothering me but I know that I could be more understanding for him as well. Thank you for your words, I will keep them in mind.

[midori]

Hi raine,

 

I think a lot of women can relate to the way you're feeling. I know I can. I've had those very issues myself, in the past. An ex of mine had an old girlfriend's name printed on the list of auto-dial numbers on his home phone. When I discovered it we'd been together for more than a year, and in the meantime he had moved half-way around the world. I couldn't believe he had her number -- but not mine! -- on his speed dial. Turns out her # wasn't programmed into his phone, not with all the overseas codes, etc. It was just a remnant from when they'd been together. He'd bought the phone when he was going out with her, and he put her number in and then forgot about it. I was weirded out at seeing her name. He was weirded out because I was upset about it.

 

This ex of his married someone else and I'm sure is happily living her life.

 

raine, when you believe that you are a worthwhile person in your own right, two things will result:

1. you won't be worried about other women on the periphery of your boyfriend's life. You'll know that you're all that and then some, and that even if they were trying to lure your boyfriend away from you, those women would not succeed.

 

2. you will know that even without your boyfriend, you have a meaningful, fulfilling life that is rich in many ways. And you will be able to have faith in that sooner or later you will find someone to love and who will love you in return, if your boyfriend proved to be unsuitable for you for some reason.

 

I'm not talking about bogus "self-esteem" in the hey-we're-all-special-in-our-own-way kind of way. I mean yeah, we're all special. But it's up to us to find out where our strengths lie, what to cultivate in ourselves, what direction to head in. So I'd say we all have the capacity to be special and wonderful and fulfilled. But many people never get there, for whatever reason.

 

If you were self-assured and believed that you and your life were important and worthwhile in your own right, you wouldn't be so terrified of losing your boyfriend. The problem, I'd say, lies not with him but with yourself. He could erase all the women's numbers in his cellphone -- even his mom's -- and you wouldn't be reassured. You can't reassure someone who was never sure of herself in the first place.

 

How much satisfaction do you derive from your work or studies? How much confidence do you have in your ability to get things you want out of life? Or do your plans for your future depend on someone else, someone slotted into the role of "boyfriend/husband?"

 

Right now I'm single. I'd love to find someone to love, because I'm a warm, caring, sensual, affectionate person and I'd like to be able to share that part of myself with someone. But I'm also doing work that I really believe in. I have friends who I know really like me. I do things that I know my family appreciates. So I've got stuff going on in my life, and I look ahead to a future that isn't crystal clear -- who knows where I'll be in 3 years? -- but full of promise. And the promise is all rooted in me and my actions. Which is not to say that I'm not aware of and grateful for the things that other people contribute to my life. I don't think I'm doing this all on my own. But I'm the one making the decisions. I'd love to get back together with the afore-mentioned ex. Of all the men I've met and dated, he's the one who suited me the best. That's not going to happen -- and I'm not crushed by that. Though I might get down in the dumps about being alone sometimes, I know that eventually I'll meet someone else. In the meantime I've got plenty to keep me busy.

 

raine, if you feel self-confident and in control of where your life is going, I think you'll find that your jealousy will shrink tremendously. Unless you do get your confidence/jealousy issues in check, I'm afraid you're never going to be comfortable with your boyfriend. Erasing other women's numbers won't be enough. You'll end up holding onto him with such a death grip that you'll kill the relationship -- the exact opposite of what you're trying to do.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I wanna be just like Midori when I grow up too!

 

YOU GO GIRL !!!

[Periegh]

Sometimes people realize after they have dated, that are better at being friends than lovers. That has happened to me. I dated someone over 7 yrs ago and we are the best of friends now. He has since married and had a child.

 

Sounds to me that you like to be in control. That will not work! If you try to control him, eventually he will kick you to the curb! Nobody likes a control freak. There has to be compromize from both parties involved. Respect each others point of view even though you may not agree with it. Seems also you have trust issues. Has he ever given you a reason not to trust him... or is it just you?

 

As for understanding why he wants to keep in touch...why do you keep in touch with your friends? They used to date, big deal! If the two of them were still into each other you wouldnt be in the picture. Whatever took place before you...doesnt count!!!

 

If you find that you just simply can not get over this then maybe you should be alone, find yourself and get your issues in order. Without inner peace and self-security you will find great difffuculty with any relationship. This is 2003! Men and women are going to be close friends wether you like it or not!

 

Dont you have any male friends? If so, ask them for advice as well.

 

Always remember...friends are for life. Boy/Girlfriends come and go!

[Kat]

You sound like me

 

I have had one jamor relationship in my life before my current partner. This ended due to domestic violence. So you can imagine I have no need or desire to want to contact him. Therefore if I get word of his number or address, I throw it out, I don't want to know it, I don't need to know it.

 

Now as for "b/f's" I have had, I don't count guys I dated for 4 weeks and then broke up with boyfriends, specially since they were good friends before and after, and I still have their nuumbrs in my phone, just in case I haven't seen either of them for years, but sometimes I chat to them, be it sms or call.

 

Now to my boyfriend. He had two relationships before me. One 3 years and one 2 years. He keeps their numbers in his phone, and he even emails them and calls them. Why? He says they are friends. Yes, I was like you, how could he want t stay in touch with ex's . They are ex's for a reason and if he wants to talk to them, it must mean he wants to hold onto something.

 

Best thing I ever did, was tell my b/f what I was feeling. I told him what I thought and why it upset me (i.e scared of him rekindling). Now, he was great, he kept reasuring me that there was nothing and they were indeed ex's for a reason and they don't even hold a flame anywhere near me .

 

It is now over two and a half years since we started going out, and yes, the first 6mths were the worst. Full of tears, hurt, and heartache, and that was just inside me because of what I let my mind think.

 

You just have to be open with him, without blaming himn for anything. If he is any kind of a man and he wants to keep you, he wil try extra hard when it comes to his ex's (note, he doesn't have to, but a good man will )

 

We have seen his ex's a few times now (they share the same friends...engagements..weddings..etc) and there have been a few fights and tears, but I am getting better.

 

I just have to keep telling myself that I love him, I trust him, and they are just friends. I mean really, if they still had something there they wouldn't be ex's (look positive, not negative) and steal lots of cuddles and kisses from him, when you start feeling icky

 

Good luck sweety It gets better and it is worth holding onto

[Thinkalot]

raine, I know how you feel, on the insecurity , jealousy side of things. I'm dealing with it in my life too.

 

Build up your own self esteem, and take control, and don't give those exes any power over your life! I'm working on my issues now too...books, counselling etc, and trying to find the old confident, bubbly me, before i seemed to lose myself in this desperate pit of insecurity and jealousy.

 

My bf loves me, but I have caused distance by behaving jealously. Keep working on it. You can do it. Take control of the thoughts and your world. Good luck on your journey there!

[Angel]

Just my opinion:

 

I don't think the numbers are the issue. You cannot change a person and if you think you can get him to delete those numbers later on, you're probably mistaken.

You have a man that keeps relationships with women, other than you. I think the point is----is, do you want to be with a man that continues relationships with his exes? Some women don't mind this, others mind this a lot. Dating is the time to find out about each other. If this bothers you now, it will probably bother you later on too. He shouldn't have to delete the numbers and you shouldn't have to put up with a man who does this, if it bothers you. You are not crazy---you know what bothers you and what you can live with. If he cannot put your feelings first, that is the kind of man you have. Either live with it or consider a new partner, but don't try to change him.

 

Hope this is helpful.

[ConfusedAndSad]

midori-i admire your post very much! it actually made me realize that i need to re-think alot of stuff in my own life...thank you for that