bf has ex gf's numbers in his phone

[myriad001]

I know you probably got a sinking feeling in your stomach when you first found the numbers... the same feeling all of us have experienced at one time or another. Your only human. BUT... don't let your mind get the best of you. I'm sure you have already questioned, at least to yourself, the worse possible scenarios. Doing this will only make you feel hostile towards your boyfriend and eventually he'll grow old of the accusations or you will grow to hate him for thinking he can't be trusted.

 

Stay poised and calm and sincerely explain to him how uncomfortable you feel about him calling his ex's. Of course you can't tell him that he can never talk to them, just tell him that you would feel better if he called while you were present... why should he need to talk in privacy if nothing is going on? Of course there will be times when you won't be around, so tell him that you would appreciate him letting you know when he does talk to them. It's only fair to you. Trust is established and maintained when secrets aren't kept.

 

I won't pretend to know your boyfriend well enough to assure you that the numbers are harmless. I will, however, tell you that you shouldn't allow yourself to get so worked up.

[Thinkalot]

myriod has a good point raine... honesty about him talking to his ex's will help perhaps. I have asked my bf to always tell me when he has spoken to his ex-wife, so I don't feel left out of the loop etc, and know he has nothing to hide from me.

 

On the other hand, he prefers to not know when I talk to a particular ex of mine, whom he doesn't like for certain reasons. So I respect that (and have actually reduced my contact with that ex...both because i have little to do with him now and we've moved on in different ways, and also, out of respect for my bf's feelings about this particular person ..my bf is perfectly fine with hearing the odd comment about my other ex's, or if I've talked to them). It's ok I think for people to stay in touch with an ex. People move on, but can maintain a friendship. I think deep down you probably know that, but once we become jealous etc, it's hard to be rational (I know!).

[raine]

You all have very good comments! We have worked through this one and I feel a lot better. I actually overheard him and his best friend (guy) talking about this. He just told his friend that I got upset and his friend said that he could understand. He has been so wonderful to me and does indeed try to reassure me of his love. It is very difficult for me though knowing how close they were and that she was his first. He cares about her a lot. I know that this for the most part is my problem. He should be able to care about her and I can't change that. This is what I need to deal with and accept. It will take time but he is so worth it! I'm afraid of the time when we will run into her because of mutual friends but hopefully by then enough time will have passed where it won't upset me. This has always been an issue with me and sometimes I think that I will not overcome it. He has never done anything to make me not trust him. I know that when we would see her he would hug her and they just would be chatting away and of course he would be reminded of his first experience and the love that was there. It is very hard for me to accept that he has such strong caring feelings for another woman and I know that she is very attractive. I know that he loves me though but I hate to think that he may wonder what if. I really need to work on this because I am only hurting my self, I'm only being self destructive with these thoughts and worries.

 

Thank you all for taking the time to provide your comments and giving me other views on the subject.

 

It will be a long road for me and I just have to keep believing that I have the strength to overcome this and allow myself to completely trust him.

[Kat]

Don't worry sweetie

 

Bein ble to understand WHY you feel a certian way is half the battle Now you just have to try and live that way and not the way your mind wants everything to be

 

Stay logical and listen to your head about the positive things, ignore the negative things.

Remember that they ar ex's for a reason and he cares a lot for you and is willing to help you

[Thinkalot]

Kat- you could be talking to me! Great advice. And all things I too am trying to put into practice.

 

My partner is currently more distant from me, because of my insecurities, and we are having to really work on bringing things back to where they were in our relationship . We are both sad that things have slipped so far and want them back. We need automatic trust, respect and spontaneous love back. A lot of the problems are the result of my fears and lack of trust, which started to poison things. Of course my bf isn't perfect either, but I'm big enough to admit my faults here.

 

Raine, don't let your stuff become too destructive on your relationship! My partner was so supportive for a long time with my fears about his ex-wife etc etc and all my questions and worries, then he just had enough one day...and said he'd go, if I didn't get a grip. He has a temper with me now, which he didn't have before. So now we are BOTH healing, and trying to get back that light happy loving vibe in our relationship. It's hard, but worth it! And I am getting over the stuff. I am strong enough to get there and so are you!

[moimeme]

and of course he would be reminded of his first experience and the love that was there

 

See. This is just not true. I was pals with my ex-husband for a long time after the marriage ended. Never did I think back to how it all began or 'the love that was there'. People don't do that when they've moved on.

 

It's like the thing about her being 'his first'. Really NO big deal. It has a tiny bit of interest, but that's it, and it certainly does not outweigh your current relationship. Do you still long for your 'first' ? If you don't, why do you think he does?

[Thinkalot]

Hey raine and moimeme.... regarding moimeme's post ... In the past, I always felt that way about my bf seeing his ex-wife also...she was also his first, and I have always thought that seeing her will bring back all those happy memories etc. and felt all worried on the inside. Or imagined that he is comparing me to her (he doesn't do this)...or, even if we are at a wedding, that he is thinking about THEIR wedding! Or, if we go camping and use THEIR old tent, that he is remembering their old camp trips. None of this is actually the case! And I see that now.

 

It's all very neurotic and ridiculous, and evidence of where our thought patterns are stuck. It's true raine, moimeme is right- they AREN'T thinking about their ex...only WE are! They've moved on...it's just us, stuck in the past. I brought up my feelings with my bf, and he assured me he doesn't think about her anymore. Every now and then, they catch up and he sees her as an old friend. That's all. Even if they still care for their ex on some level, it is no threat to their love for us! So our fears are crazy.

 

Let it go, let it go, let it go.

[raine]

He told me that the moved past their relationship and just became REALLY good friends. He thinks she is sweet and caring but he has moved on from the relationship. No, I don't still long for my 1st but I don't describe him the way my bf does (above).

 

Even this being said, you are right. I need to let it go and trust in his love for me. I know that he does, I just have a hard time letting myself truly believe it and completely trust it.

[Thinkalot]

I know raine, I've had so much trouble too...and I'm still not quite there (but I will be soon- positive thinking!)... Please though, don't push your bf too far...my relationship is pretty rocky at the moment, while we try to heal things, as a result of my worries. My worries started to kill the love.

 

And, you know, my bf's ex-wife cheated on him, and yet he still thinks fondly of her. I had trouble understanding that too. But now I realise, he spent time working on forgiveness and being loving of heart, and we should admire their ability to do that...even if we maybe couldn't be quite as big about things! Try and look at it in that light.

 

I even found emails from AFTER they broke up, where he still called her cute pet names! That was before we met, and he said it was partly habit, and partly his attempt to maintain closeness and friendship after being with her for 10 years, and of course, he probably hadn't fully let go at that early stage. He had when he met me though, and he most certainly has now! I was upset by those emails at first, as product of my fears and irrational thinking. But now I can see, that what happened before our relationship is history anyway. It means nothing to him now.

 

I think this past year, they've probably spoken twice. She's with someone new, and has changed her whole look, and my bf hardly even recognises her new image. She's moved on, and so has he. And now, so do we!

Keep us posted about how you are going.

[Melinda]

I did the exact same thing. I got upset about things, and eventually he changed the things that upset me. Including having girls phone numbers. I felt bad about being controlling but I really couldn't help it because it was something that really bothered me.