Bringing the boyfriend home for the holidays? Family says no.

[lynnedays]

I have a sort of "what is normal " question.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating over 2 years. He is 24, I am 22. He expects us to celebrate the holidays together and visit and spend time with both families respectively. His ex girlfriend and him did this, this is normal to him.

 

My family on the other hand are not in favor of this. Going over late christmas day and having dessert with his family is fine, and vise versa, ...but truly having a christmas day there isn't. They want me with them.

 

Yesterday I called to ask her what time we were having Thanksgiving. My boyfriends family invited me to go to the Marriot with them at 12 and have a big Thanksgiving Lunch. My mother pretty much said she would prefer me not having two Thanksgiving dinners--that it was very anticlimatic if I did--- and she didn't understand why we were doing this. That when she was dating my father she did not bring my father home for the holidays, neither did my brothers bring their girlfriends, etc. That splitting the holidays was something you did when you were married, not something you do when you're dating.

 

This splitting holidays behavior when just dating is normal to my boyfriend, and I think he's taking a slight offense to it when I try to explain I will just be spending the day with my family but will see him (not his family probably) later on that night. He either seems to think... well why doesn't my family care if he comes... or I should ignore my family's opinions and come visit his some... I don't know. I get this feeling he will view it as "choosing" them over him if I don't come visit with his family over Thanksgiving.

 

Help!

[LadyX]

You're old enough to make your own decisions concerning how you celebrate your holidays. Your parents grew up in a different time, and things have changed. Talk to your mother and explain this to her. Your not wrong in wanting to spend time with your boyfriend as well as his family.

[Leikela]

Lady X is right. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. Your parents DID grow up in a different time and things have changed.

 

Since I was 16 I have always split the holidays with my boyfriend (at the time) between families. My current boyfriend and I plan on splitting the holidays up this year too. Thanksgiving dinner will be spent with his family and we'll go to my family's house for dessert. It's all about compromise.

[tredulce]

You've mentioned how your boyfriend feels about it, but how do you feel? Do you want to split the holidays or do you want time just with your famliy all alone without him?

 

It's your parents dinner, and you need to respect that fact. Is it really going ot be enjoyable if they are pissed off at you and your boyfriend? They won't treat him as nice as they would otherwise, maybe. Hasn't this come up before in the past 2 years you've been dating?

 

Your boyfriend needs to respect your parents and not take offense to this. Family is sacred, especially to the older generations. I mean, I see where everyone else is coming from and part of me feels the same way, but in the end it's their home, their traditions and you need to respect that, as does your boyfriend. If he isn't understanding about that...it would be kind of a red flag, I think.

[moimeme]

I'm casting my vote with Leikela and Lady X. You are an adult now and your parents need to recognize that. You still plan to have dinner with your family, after all! Whether or not you stuff yourself at that second dinner should not be an issue; the fact is that you plan to be present and to be with the family. I think that is more than fair.

 

At some point in your life, you have to take responsibility for your life and your decisions. 22 is more than old enough to do that!!!!

[LadyX]

Originally posted by tredulce

You've mentioned how your boyfriend feels about it, but how do you feel? Do you want to split the holidays or do you want time just with your famliy all alone without him?

 

It's your parents dinner, and you need to respect that fact. Is it really going ot be enjoyable if they are pissed off at you and your boyfriend? They won't treat him as nice as they would otherwise, maybe. Hasn't this come up before in the past 2 years you've been dating?

 

Your boyfriend needs to respect your parents and not take offense to this. Family is sacred, especially to the older generations. I mean, I see where everyone else is coming from and part of me feels the same way, but in the end it's their home, their traditions and you need to respect that, as does your boyfriend. If he isn't understanding about that...it would be kind of a red flag, I think.

 

I agree with this.....but if you want to have 2 dinners, 1 with his family, and 1 with yours...your Mother has no right to say "I'd prefer you not have 2 dinners." I definately wouldn't bring him home since your Mother has this attitude, but don't let that stop you from spending time with him and his family.

[lynnedays]

Well let me just say my mother is very kind and always very welcoming to him. He's come for 4th of July dinner, Christmas Eve dinner, and I've gone over their for Christmas Eve for dessert, etc. I see his family a good deal (actually at this point sometimes more then I see my own--they get together alot).

 

I think that's why my mom's strong opinion on this threw me for a loop last night. Dont' get me wrong, if he came over..my mother would be nothing but kind---she likes him alot. We get along with each other's families. I think the problem here is that deep down my mother does not think at 22 I should be dating anyone seriously--and sharing holidays sends a single to her of seriousness. Which is why I think she brought it up.

 

I realize this is my own decision... but deep down I think the truth is I'm going to feel guilty either way. My mother expressed that she hadn't seen me in a long time and was looking forward to having the family together--that my brother was flying in-- and she would rather have me the whole day for once.

 

Of course, my boyfriend loves to have me sharing things with his family--and I love that he does.

 

I don't know what I want. I guess I wish my boyfriend's family was not having a big lunch at the Marriot so I could just come over for an hour and chitty chat with them and then be gone by 1. So nobody felt slighted. I wish this wouldn't be a big deal on either side (my boyfriend or my mother). I imagine if I go to this Marriot lunch I won't be leaving till around 2 or 3...which is something to consider. I want to be fair to my family as much as I want to let my boyfriend know I care about his.

 

Decisions Decisions I guess. Thanks for all the help.