After slow reconciliation we are officially back together

[jqb05443]

For those of you who don't know my story I will try to make this recap quick. My bf of 3.5 years broke up with me in April because he felt we were more friends than anything. He swore up and down it wasn't another girl and I believed him. After a couple weeks NC we started hanging and I poured my heart and he pulled away and told me that we needed to move on. Went one month NC until I reached out to invite him to see a Broadway show in July. We went and had a great time and continuted to see eachother every weekend after that.

 

During the reconcilation period he was feeling me out to see if I had changed. After a month and a half of reconciling we finally made it official again on Sunday. It was hard for that month in a half because we were acting like a couple and doing things couples do but I didn't want to push the relationship talk as the last time I did in June he backed off completely. Until last week I started telling him that I couldn't do the friends with benefits anymore because I loved him and realized that I couldn't continue doing what were doing. He then told me that he loved me and that he wanted us to be together again and make it work.

 

I never thought after what I went through during April, May, June, July, the crying everyday to bed, waking up depressed, looking like a zombie, I never thought that he would come back. And slowly it did happen. This was the hardest break up I ever had in my life. But I got my second chance and I hope that we both learned from the past.

[Broseph]

Congrats, Hopefully everything works out for you...

 

I am in a similar situation where my gf broke up with me and I am in zombie like form. Very odd circumstances though where we had a 10 day vactaion planned and she told me the day before we left that she wanted to be on her own for awhile, she asked if I still wanted to go and we decided to have one last hooray as they say. My best friend said we looked as close as ever on the trip but in the end we maintained that we would break up and give her space. We occasionally talked about reconciling after and she had one break down where she said she knew it would happen and coming on this trip would make her think things werent so bad. Well we had lots of sex and had the occasional cry especially the last night was the hardest, I think she really wants to be friends after this but easy for her to say. Seems like there is lots of raw emotion there.

 

We have been long distance for awhile as she working at the snow this year, so she had to go back their once we got off the plane. She texted me to let her know that she got home safely but I didnt reply. I guess doing the NC thing, take the power back.

 

So i guesss what I am saying JQ can you offer to much advice? did you try to emotionally move on? Its been only four days and sometimes I am sad and sometimes I feel allright. We own a car together, we were together almost 4 years and I am her first love. We havent sorted out what to do with car yet and apparently she is trying to get back in 2 days to drop it off for me so I have it, she has not contacted me but should I break no contact to see if she is bringing it?

[jqb05443]

Hey Broseph I am sorry to hear about your situation. It wasn't easy trust me. I never thought I would be able to feel somewhat normal. It was sooo hard for me to do NC. I struggled the most with that. He NEVER reached out to me. It was always me. I would at least send a text once a week until he told me we needed to move on and he was sorry and he wished me the best. It was during the month of June that I was able to do NC because I had asked him a month in advance to see the show with me in July to which he agreed to so knowing I was going to see him helped a little. Dont get me wrong during that month it hurt that he never even tried to reach out to me. I cried everysingle day and night. I would have to run into the bathroom at least once a day at work because I would start cyring. We are huge Mets fans and from my office I have a view of Citifield and that was a constant reminder everyday.

 

I can't say that I allowed myself to move. I couldn't go out on dates. I wasn't intrested in anyone I just wanted him back. We were together for 3.5 years and it was the toughest time ever. The anxiety that came over my body, the thoughts of him with another girl, the long drives home crying. It was awful. As much as I tried I couldn't hate him. It was almost like I didn't realize how much I loved him until he dumped me. I know people compare it to mourning but it felt even worse because if he did pass away at least I could mourn and move on. What droce me insane was where is he, with who, what is he doing, why isn't he calling me or trying to contact me? It was awful.

 

My previous relationship I was with a guy for 10 years and I was able to get over him in a couple months. Actually when I met my recent bf was what helped me get over the 10 year relationship. But to answer your question no I didn't move on emotionally from the recent one. As much as I tried. I was in such bad shape that I actually lost a friendship with my best friend of 15 years because she couldn't handle the person I became during those months. Which in retrospect I guess proved she was never really my past friend. So it was hard having no one. Not him or my best friend. But things will get easier. Do you want to reconcile with her?

[Broseph]

I think most definetely I want to reconcile with her. Like alot of people here we were best friends and spent so much time together. That is the scary part i guess because I am sure she thinks the same way, so for her to actually break things off she must have been pretty certain because it was tough for her and I could see it. She had a note written but had to text me first to explain the note because she became physically ill throughout the day. Anyways, in the letter she wrote how she was so scared and hated herself and said she didnt know what she wanted but she wanted to find herself.

 

Like you I guess i have been dumped in a 4 year relationship before with my fiancee but I immediately found out she cheated on me so I could let that go easier. That one did contact me a few times with apologizing emails but I never responded until one day i met up and we both had been in relationships after that.

 

I guess i am not sure whether to fight or flight as they say, and by reding other posters including yours sometimes 'flighting' is like fighting. I think no contact is the best thing for me though, maybe? She also asked my room mate to send her updates on how I am doing, that seems odd and I kinda dont want him too if I working so hard for no contact. Finally I accidently deleted her off facebook trying to temperarily block her, not that I care but dont want her to think I am playing games or anything, I am too old for that.

[icyness]

Wow, that is truly amazing and wonderful jqb.

I'm pretty much in the same boat now. I hear it everyday, yet I cannot do it. I simply have no will or desire to move on; I just want my boyfriend back.

I'm still very much a zombie everyday and would do anything to hear his voice again.

 

You've given me some hope; I wish you the very best with everything.

[Broseph]

In saying that I do want a reconciliation, I also want her to eat crow if that doesnt sound too harsh. Maybe after she eats a big dose of it then I will be ready to take her back, but doubt it will ever get here. The problem with this theory is that she is my best friend and so much of my personality has been developed through her. So in theory I want to be her friend still but while i still have emotions for her would just not seem right.

 

I dont know most people looking at this can problem sympathize that my emotions are going everywhere. I guess it is really relaxing to listen to music that makes me feel good, I hate the radio though too many sad ssongs

[mimiminx]

Hey Broseph I am sorry to hear about your situation. It wasn't easy trust me. I never thought I would be able to feel somewhat normal. It was sooo hard for me to do NC. I struggled the most with that. He NEVER reached out to me. It was always me. I would at least send a text once a week until he told me we needed to move on and he was sorry and he wished me the best. It was during the month of June that I was able to do NC because I had asked him a month in advance to see the show with me in July to which he agreed to so knowing I was going to see him helped a little. Dont get me wrong during that month it hurt that he never even tried to reach out to me. I cried everysingle day and night. I would have to run into the bathroom at least once a day at work because I would start cyring. We are huge Mets fans and from my office I have a view of Citifield and that was a constant reminder everyday.

 

I can't say that I allowed myself to move. I couldn't go out on dates. I wasn't intrested in anyone I just wanted him back. We were together for 3.5 years and it was the toughest time ever. The anxiety that came over my body, the thoughts of him with another girl, the long drives home crying. It was awful. As much as I tried I couldn't hate him. It was almost like I didn't realize how much I loved him until he dumped me. I know people compare it to mourning but it felt even worse because if he did pass away at least I could mourn and move on. What droce me insane was where is he, with who, what is he doing, why isn't he calling me or trying to contact me? It was awful.

 

My previous relationship I was with a guy for 10 years and I was able to get over him in a couple months. Actually when I met my recent bf was what helped me get over the 10 year relationship. But to answer your question no I didn't move on emotionally from the recent one. As much as I tried. I was in such bad shape that I actually lost a friendship with my best friend of 15 years because she couldn't handle the person I became during those months. Which in retrospect I guess proved she was never really my past friend. So it was hard having no one. Not him or my best friend. But things will get easier. Do you want to reconcile with her?

 

I completely understand everything you're saying here.. I feel like I'm going through the exact same thing. I was with someone for over 4 years and I was able to get over him in a matter of weeks! it also was my recent bf of over 2 years also who helped me get out of the past one. We split up (one month ago), and I have been so incredibly heartbroken, every word you wrote I can relate to. every word, its like I could have written it myself. The anxiety, the why isn't he calling me, everything. I was NC with him for 2 weeks and he contacted me, and he has been pretty much daily for the past week and a half. I haven't always been responding,by the way. I've been crying every day, riddled with anxiety and totally heartbroken.

I agree with you, I can't hate him. I still love him exactly the same. I'm hurt that he chose to leave, but I still love him more than anything. I can't even imagine myself dating, I just want him back. Not that I didn't realize how much I loved him before, but I love him just as much now! I'm letting him go right now.. not totally closing the door, but just a little for my own good.

it's so nice to hear success stories.. love is a beautiful thing.

[dianna]

wish I could say that ...

[fawn]

congrats! If you guys have fixed your issues you have a great life ahead. its true that the test of love is to see if you can forget and get over the person, if you are all healed within a week it was worth it but if takes you a lone time and you still wonder "what if, where did we go wrong and so on" there is still hope there. Hope that makes sense.

[bella16]

Congrats!

 

I am also in a similar situation. My ex broke things off almost 2 months ago and I did all the wrong things to push him away like crying, begging, and all that mess. I loved him and love him. We would text here and there and met up twice during the breakup but he assured me that he didn't want a relationship and he needed time. Well I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him.. no girl should ever do that for any man. So I told him I need to whoelse is out there for me and I need to move on with my life if I'm not gonna be with him... I couldn't take the mixed signals anymore. He told me that he didn't want to get in the way of me meeting someone else and that what he had couldn't be fixed so I should just move on. So I told him thats all I needed to hear, and I'm finally letting go... that was only 2 weeks ago.

 

Then what do ya know, two nights ago he contacted ME!!! I ignored the first 10 texts from him and then finally asked him what the hell he wanted. He told me he wants to work it out and wants me back...and the balls in my court now. I told him I need time now!

 

But I, just like you, felt the same way. This was def outta nowhere, and I never expected him to come back. Its just funny that when I finally let go and didn't contact him for 2 weeks he comes back to me.

[mimiminx]

I would like to cut off most of the communication so that I can start to let him go but want to leave the door open for reconciliation. How do I do that? Is there a middle ground? Do I ignore his attempts for contact? I want him to miss me,etc. How can he miss me when I'm still talking to him? I can see the value of NC but I don't want to shut him out. I still love him and have hope (what if, what went wrong,etc.) Any advice?

[Broseph]

Minimix- I am really in the same situation and find myself going both ways. Not sure how along you are but I have not made contact for 4-5 days and have know of the breakup for 2 weeks now. Although, we did spend the next 10 days after the break up together 24/7 on vacation and had a really good time with some emotion mixed in. We said goodbye at the airport after landing and I quickly had to get to a course so I left, and my firends said she was pretty teared up. Nevertherless, she broke up with me and fell distant the last month before that together. To try to answer your questions from my perspective.

 

I would like to cut off most of the communication so that I can start to let him go but want to leave the door open for reconciliation. How do I do that?

 

Just believe that love is a stream that will run its course (this is a lyric from a 311 song). Worry about yourself first and him second although it seems dumb and so hard to do. Dont say anything harsh, actually dont say anyhting at all and if you have any chance of staying together its because you both want to be there and no one is forced there.

 

Is there a middle ground?

 

I am sure there is depending on the people but go back to my point above. A middle ground seems like you are still holding on though and may prolong healing.

 

Do I ignore his attempts for contact?

 

Depends really on the contact, but maybe for a while till you get your head straight and he knows what he wants. When i was younger I went distant on a girl i had been with for 2 years to try to get her to dump me, she did and although that is what i though I wanted I changed pretty quickly. Anyways, I ended up getting her back but in the end she cheated on me. That is irrelevant i guess but I am saying that I wanted a break but when it happened, I thought what have I done.

 

I want him to miss me,etc. How can he miss me when I'm still talking to him?

 

Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Also to miss someone you really need a reason to miss them, if your talking then he still has you.

 

I can see the value of NC but I don't want to shut him out. I still love him and have hope (what if, what went wrong,etc.) Any advice?

 

I feel the same way exactly, hopefully every week gets easier and things start to get clearer. It is nice to have this board for people to lean on and relate with and alot of what you said i relate too. If you ever need to vent vent it to all of us before you vent to him. Good luck with everything and were all here to shoulder you, well cant speak for eveyone but ill try.

[dianna]

jqb05443 - weren't you afraid that during the break up and the nc , he would realise that he's better off alone..that his feelings are changing? That's my biggest fear ...

 

 

mimiminx - same situation, im scared to death that he will really move on .Im in Nc for more than a week after he sent me a "how are you " txt . Im also scared that he's in the same class with me, in college..gaaaaaaaaaah ..what do i do with my heart?

[jqb05443]

Hi Dianna,

 

Yes I was afraid that during the NC he would forget about me. That's why I struggled sooo much with it. I would send a text message at least once a week because I didn't want him to forget me. He never reached out on his own. He would either give me a one word answer reply or he would ignore my texts all together. During the month of June where I really went into NC, I told myself if I was ever going to make him miss me, this would be the time because I never gave him the chance to miss me since he dumped me in April. I had asked him a month in advance to go see the show with me in July so therefore I was able to go NC until a week before the show to confirm that he was still going with me. After we saw each other in July was when we slowly started talking again but still seeing each other every weekend.

 

We live 45 mins away from each other. Our pattern when we were together was to spend all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday's together as we lived far away from each other. So he would either come to my place to spend the weekend or I would go his place for the weekend. So we slowy started doing that again. Until last weekend when I finally said what are we doing here..you need to tell me. And he said he really wanted to work things out.

[dianna]

so ..i have to keep Nc. Im going to see him in college every day ..maybe then he will realise something...until college..i have to stay put in a NO CONTACT mood..its so hard..im scareeeeeeed ..so many thoughts:(:( i miss him so much ...so so much ..i also have another question..did you prayed to God ?

[jqb05443]

Hey Dianna,

 

Yes I did pray every night and started going to mass on Sunday's after we broke up. I def became more spirtual after the break up. It made me feel better everytime I went to mass.

[jqb05443]

I am curious for myself too if he would have ever contacted me if I just went NC. I will ask him this weekend. We are going to the Poconos for labor day weekend and to celebrate our getting back together as corny as that sounds. But I will ask him then had I just went NC and never asked him to go with me to the show, or if I left him alone completely does he think he would have come back on his own...or whether the fact that I remained LC was what left the door open for us. I will ask him and let you guys know on this post.

[dianna]

Did you pray to a specific Novena?

 

I've become more spiritual too after the break up ..too bad my ex doesn't believe.

 

I know ...it feels good after you pray but the i get discouraged because i dont know if God will listen to me. I mean I do have faith but yet again im more a " I WANT TO SEE SIGNS" kind of a person.

Im so afraid he's going to find someone else or i dunno ..have a one night stand..its killing me ..i dont know where he is ..

[jqb05443]

I just prayed to God and I believed with all my heart that he would listen to me and help me get my life back on track. I asked him to give me signs or just help me be stronger. I know its sooo hard. It was the thoughs that consumed me and the what if and where and who is he with. That alone could have killed me. I deleted him from Facebook the day he deleted me and I never checked his profile once since we broke up in April until yesterday. I was to afraid of what I would see. I was afraid that he was already with someone else that I didn't want to see it. I would just tell myself ignorance is bliss. Its a good thing we live 40 mins away because that prevented me from doing drive bys as pathetic as that sounds, I am 30 lol.

[dianna]

God helped me now ..I started to cry a hour ago because I didn't know where he is and such and felt useless and said a little prayer and then a friend of ours popped on ym and told me

 

He :Why the hell is he invisible ?

Me : ?

He : T is invisible ..oh wait..you have him on ignore .....

 

 

I STARTED TO CRY ..tears of joy lol..he is home and not with some chick..

 

I wish I was in your shoeeeeeeeeeeees ..

God will help me ..I know it ! Im almost :bunny::bunny: ..lol

 

Its a sad sad situation

[icyness]

jqb, there is such strength in your posts; thanks so much for sharing your situation with us.

 

I really haven't contacted other than 2 emails in the last month, he is of course not responding to me at all and I don't know when or even if he will anymore.

I'm thinking I want try and message him once in a while on a totally unrelated note; something that has nothing to do with us so he doesn't feel pressured.

 

How did you find it in you to go on while contacting him with no answer at times?

I'm so scared of the rejection, it's agonizing.

 

Did he ever tell you if he thoughts about you a lot or all the time, even when you would contact him and he did not respond?

[icyness]

jqb, there is such strength in your posts; thanks so much for sharing your situation with us.

 

I really haven't contacted other than 2 emails in the last month, he is still not talking to me since he go so mad with me after the break up for pestering him; I don't know if or when he'll ever talk to me again at this point.

I'm thinking I want try and message him once in a while on a totally unrelated note; something that has nothing to do with us so he doesn't feel pressured.

 

How did you find it in you to go on while contacting him with no answer at times?

I'm so scared of the rejection, it's agonizing.

 

Did he ever tell you if he thoughts about you a lot or all the time, even when you would contact him and he did not respond? I keep hoping he is thinking of me, even if he has no desire to talk or respond to me at the moment.

 

blah, sorry double post.

[Broseph]

I'm so scared of the rejection, it's agonizing.

 

 

If you are so scared of rejection dont keep looking for it, I am so much in the same situation as you. I guess I dont see the purpose of trying to dig a deeper hole to get out.

[icyness]

If you are so scared of rejection dont keep looking for it, I am so much in the same situation as you. I guess I dont see the purpose of trying to dig a deeper hole to get out.

 

You're right. That's really the only thing stopping me from calling him at this point.

[jqb05443]

Hey Icyness thank you. It was hard when he did ignore my texts a couple of times. It made me go insane and that's what would stop me sometimes. But then there was the what if I stop texting him and he forgets me? I know ALOT of people would have had enough pride to just walk away and go strict NC but I loved this man so much and I couldn't hate him. If I did it would have made NC and the break up so much easier for me.

 

When I did text him I tried to say something that would require a response. I wouldn't text him that I miss him or anything like that. I tried to play it cool because the sad, depressed person I had become, I didn't want to let on to him that I did feel that way. He told me a couple of weeks ago that all along he thought I was doing fine. But in reality he had no idea how I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Woke up missing him. Ran to the bathroom at work everyday to cry. Looked at my phone every five minutes or checked my email to see if he tried to reach out to me. It really was awful. Like I said before, I even lost a friendship with my so called best friend of over 15 years because she couldn't take the person that I became.

 

It's not easy. We all go through the what if's, where are they, the anxiety, all the why's...the obsessive thoughts. I always said for me its probably easier when a loved one passes a way in a sense because it hurts alot but you accept they are gone and can move on but with a break up you kind of go through the mourning and the pain BUT the difference is you know they are out there somewhere and the thoughts of who and where and what are they doing is what consumes us.