Am I a heartless person?

[writergal]

Last night I had a horrible fight with this guy who I've reconnected with, who has bipolar disorder. The fight started when he made some comments about litigation against my university where he was a student in a teaching fellows program that folded when the school district connected with the program, laid-off all of the fellowship student teachers, thus ending the link to the program and forcing all the student teachers to seek alternative employment options as well as having to renew their long call licenses that expired with their layoff status.

 

Over the past three weeks I allowed my friend to repeatedly complain about this situation to me, by remaining silent for fear anything I said even down to "stop complaining and try to see the positive side" would set him off on another hypomanic episode.

 

Well, last night he called to finalize social plans we had scheduled for today. As soon as we got past the "how was your day" exchanges, my friend launched into his repetitive diatribe about how he planned to sue the university; how he was a victim who wanted to be a catalyst for change...and it escalated from there to the point where I interupted him several times, telling him "stop talking about this. I'm sick of hearing you complain about the same thing over and over." I continued, "ever since we reconnected a month ago, after we dated 12 years ago, all you've done is talk about yourself, treating me like I was one of your therapists -- expecting nothing but support from me. Well, you know what? I am not your therapist! I am a friend who has her own problems that I'm not bothering you with. And up to this point, I've held back my strong opinions, and my frustratration with you, knowing how over-sensitive you are, and how personally you take everything. But...I just can't take it anymore. You lack empathy with me, and you always dwell on the negative. And I refuse to walk on eggshells and enable you to manipulate me the way I feel you do, using your bipolar disorder as an excuse for your behavior and treatment of me anymore!" Then I hung up the phone.

 

This was of course, after a 2 hour conversation where I tried to reassure him at first, being patient, and then I let off after he completely dismissed my feelings by telling me, "well, that was quite an emotional conversation. I'm going to bed now. I'll see you in the morning when I pick you up."

 

When I made validating statements to reassure him, he actually accused me of saying nice things to him to convince myself of those things about him outloud, which was ridiculous! Then I lost my temper and spouted my above diatribe, hanging up the phone out of sheer frustration.

 

Of course we didn't get together today. And I havent heard from him which doesn't surprise me. But I refuse to call or email him to apologize. I feel totally manipulated by him. When I asked him to share more about his bipolar episode behavior with me, I explained it would help me understand him more as a friend, esp. since my own mother suffers from it. He got defensive and told me his doctors said he's just fine and he doesn't need to tell me anything since I don't have the disease and I just need to take his word that he's fine. This got me really angry because its just a fallacy, a lot of hyperbole (exaggeration)...basically, its his refusal to hold himself responsible for his own behavior which I find really narcissistic of him and immature.

 

Am I a heartless person for not wanting to apologize to him for getting angry and well, yelling at him out of sheer frustration? I feel guilty because he is intelligent, funny, and has so much potential. But I just don't trust him or his unstable moods. What should I do?

[BCCA]

I think just about everytime I've reconnected with someone, I quickly realized why we lost connection in the first place. I know people change and all that, but usually when they do, it just means youre even further apart.

 

Am I a heartless person for not wanting to apologize to him for getting angry and well, yelling at him out of sheer frustration?

 

No, you have feelings/wants/needs like anyone else. He was being selfish, and complaining to you over and over about the same thing. That would annoy anyone. You let him know how you feel, if he doesnt like it, too bad.

 

I feel guilty because he is intelligent, funny, and has so much potential. But I just don't trust him or his unstable moods. What should I do?

 

He is the way he is always going to be, which is probably why you lost touch with him in the first place. Everyone has potential, rarely do people really live up to it.

[TaraMaiden]

Well done!!

 

Well done, well done, well done!!

 

He's what is known as an emotional vampire.

I have a very good friend who's Bi-polar, and whilst it is a 'Bippy' trait to seek attention, and be the centre of it - she recognises this, offloads to her (fully trained, qualified and competent) therapist, who deals with it in a professional and effective way - and has actually asked those around her to slap her down when she does it.

 

In other words - she sees her condition and confronts it, she doesn't lean on it, use it as a convenient excuse, or a crutch to enable her mindset...

 

You called him up on it, and you did the right thing.

While you took his cr*p, he was happy to give it to you.

You were compliant, accepting and - you enabled his behaviour by being a passive receptacle.

well, your cup 'ranneth' over and you'd had enough.

 

Good for you!

[writergal]

Thanks BCCA for your response. Sometimes I think people here don't like me for whatever reason, so they don't respond to my posts.

 

He and I lost touch after 3 months of dating b/c I moved to southern China for a year to teach at a university. At the time, I knew he had bipolar disorder but I never questioned him about it b/c I didn't know if we would last while I was teaching abroad. Well, he broke up with me and still hasn't explained why he never contacted me while I was in China (I had given him my email address to contact me with while I was there, but he never emailed me).

 

Then this past month, we reconnected - both teachers in training, both 38 years old, single and never married. He owns a house and I rent an apt.

 

But you're right. He hasn't changed since I knew him 12 years ago. He's still self absorbed; still sees himself as a victim (back then I put up with it b/c I was afraid of setting him off back then, so I walked on eggshells around him even then), still lacks the ability to empathize with others even though he totes himself as this really in-touch, sensitive individual who is spiritual and grounded. He coaches a girls soccer team in summertime for community sports (ages 8-10), has accolades for his academic and teaching success in chemistry science, and has had long-term relationships as well.

 

So I feel like a fool because of how I let him mistreat me. While I feel good for having yelled at him, it won't change that my disconnecting the phone conversation abruptly is the excuse he needed to justify treating me the way he did. So, I still come out the loser even though I called him out on being self absorbed and hurting my feelings. Don't you think so? Or am I overanalyzing?

[writergal]

Thanks Taramaiden for your post too!

 

You're so correct! My friend uses his bipolar illness as a crutch to lean on and to manipulate people like me, who are passive and avoid conflict even at the cost of their own self esteem (in this case, I lost my self esteem letting him mistreat me, but then gort it back when I called him out on his behavior).

 

I am sad that I had to resort to yelling, knowing that he will just use that as another justification of how he's a victim of the external world around him, and how I'm a bad person who is vicious or something dramatic like that, when really, my achilles heel is being too passive b/c sometimes I have low self esteem.

 

Yes. I would categorize him as an Emotional Vampire too. I really have to practice recogizing characteristics of those types earlier on so I don't get into these types of situations where I end up losing the most in the long run. He is intelligent. So he will prevail and surpass me in the MAT program that he's enrolling in which I'm in, and so at some point our paths will cross on campus which I totally dread.

 

I don't think I'll hear from him after last night's angry exchange. It would be interesting if he did contact me first, but I highly doubt it. I think he's expecting me to call him to apologize for hanging up on him. And that will never happen. What do I have to be sorry for? He used me and I let him. Then I stood up for myself and called him out on his crap. Better late than never as they say. Hopefully next time I encounter an emotional vampire, it will be "the sooner the better" in recogizing and avoidance of the same kinds of emotionally manipulative social traps these types set.

[TaraMaiden]

It's really easy to spot them:

 

They always offload, and make everything about them.

they never follow good advice - and often actually do the exact opposite.

They always use phrases like 'yes, but'... or 'well, it's all right for you....'

Nobody's ever had it as bad as they have....

They always make our energy dip whenever we even think of them.

(look at your body language when you think of an EV. Your shoulders sag, and you visibly droop. Your energy levels actually fall...)

They occupy every moment of your thinking. They take over your life, and their problems are all you think about.

They resent fun you're having.

 

Oh, they're real pieces of work....

[writergal]

Taramaiden,

 

Thanks for that short list of EV characteristics for me to be on the lookout for.

 

My friend is everything you've listed. Well, he's not much of a friend anymore for the way I let him treat me. The lesson for me is to not be so afraid of conflict or asserting my opinions, and beliefs with other people. At least I acknowledge my weakness and don't use it as a crutch the way my friend uses his bipolar disorder. I've had good friends call me out on being passive, or too indecisive just to please them. So I value my friends all the more for knowing I can count on them to help me improve my weak areas as long as they aren't too cruel about it. Do you know what I mean?

 

I'm tempted to craft an email to send to my friend based on yours and BCCA's posts. I would include in the email a boundary he would need to respect to continue his friendship with me being: he will have to accept the fact that I will call him out on his bullsh*t in the future when he's in one of his episodes, and then add in my email that I'm not going to be as passive with him in the future as I was, because it enabled him to manipulate me. Or, do you think I should leave this situation as it is: I stood up for myself to an emotional vampire, learned what I did wrong/right, and accept that despite my friend's potential, he and I cannot continue our friendship b/c its toxic to my life knowing he is the way he is. (By the way, another bad habit of mine is not letting go of relationships that are clearly not good for me, because those toxic r/s fullfill some kind of dysfunctional need I haven't confronted or figured out an alternative way of coping for). How's that for self-awareness of one's foibles? I'll always be the first to admit I'm wrong

[writergal]

Taramaiden,

 

Thanks for that short list of EV characteristics for me to be on the lookout for.

 

My friend is everything you've listed. Well, he's not much of a friend anymore for the way I let him treat me. The lesson for me is to not be so afraid of conflict or asserting my opinions, and beliefs with other people. At least I acknowledge my weakness and don't use it as a crutch the way my friend uses his bipolar disorder. I've had good friends call me out on being passive, or too indecisive just to please them. So I value my friends all the more for knowing I can count on them to help me improve my weak areas as long as they aren't too cruel about it. Do you know what I mean?

 

I'm tempted to craft an email to send to my friend based on yours and BCCA's posts. I would include in the email a boundary he would need to respect to continue his friendship with me being: he will have to accept the fact that I will call him out on his bullsh*t in the future when he's in one of his episodes, and then add in my email that I'm not going to be as passive with him in the future as I was, because it enabled him to manipulate me. Or, do you think I should leave this situation as it is: I stood up for myself to an emotional vampire, learned what I did wrong/right, and accept that despite my friend's potential, he and I cannot continue our friendship b/c its toxic to my life knowing he is the way he is. (By the way, another bad habit of mine is not letting go of relationships that are clearly not good for me, because those toxic r/s fullfill some kind of dysfunctional need I haven't confronted or figured out an alternative way of coping for). How's that for self-awareness of one's foibles? I'll always be the first to admit I'm wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

leave it.

I will tell you why.

In all the time he has offloaded on to you, how many times has he recognised and acknowledged his own behaviour?

What makes you think writing to him will make one jot of difference?

The only way they can possibly change is to recognise that their own behaviour and attitude is generating this existence.

 

And I hate to be harsh, but - does it occur to you that in writing to him, in the way you have described - is actually demonstrating your own need for this relationship? of course you do....

You would be reaching out to him.

And although you now see the truth of the dynamic for what it is, it has in the past, been a pattern you have also fed.

there's the saying,

"We so admire the wisdom of those who come to us for advice"...

You will miss his attention.

I did, when I divested myself of not one - but 2 - vampires. Not at the same time, fortunately!

But I attracted them, because I'm quite strong, self-assured and I have a good energy... and they were drawn to it like moths to a flame....

I missed the attention.

I missed them coming to me, because their departure left a void in my days that they'd previously filled, and how!

 

So in a way, your letter to him, may be a signal telling him - "I don't want to burn bridges because I have almost become reliant on you draining me of everything I have to give - what do I do with it now?"

 

Resist the temptation. Because all he will think is,

"See? She can't live without me."

He'll alter his approach for just long enough to suck you back in - and it will then repeat itself.

 

Truly.

[writergal]

Taramaiden,

 

You're right. I just know it. I won't email him then because he will take advantage of me yet again like you suggestedd.

[freestyle]

I would`nt feel guilty about hanging up on him at all. In your OP you said that he attacked after you made validating reassurances, so I feel your diatribe was justified as well as long overdue.

 

I had a very similar experience (read my post in " confronting a drama queen/and a vent")

 

The friend I referred to there spent an hour griping at me about one of her kids (something piddly) and I finally said, "C`mon, he`s only ten."

 

To which she snarled back, "Well, tell me are YOU qualified to render an opinion?"

(backstory, I don`t have kids)

 

I responded with, "Click.dial tone............." She immediately called me back telling me how horrible it was for me to hang up. Go figure!

 

Long epic drama short, she and I no longer friends, and I didn`t realize until after the fallout just how badly I was drained by that friendship.

 

I have since gotten better about setting boundaries with my friends, I wish I could`ve read your OP years ago, I could`ve saved so much time.

 

There`s nothing heartless about protecting your peace of mind. I`m guessing that you`re an empathic person like myself, and yes, Taramaiden is right, we do attract the vampires. So, how do we ward them off????

[TaraMaiden]

Freestyle, my post #6 will give you the tell-tale signs of what an EV does, and how they operate...

The minute you realise your good kind counsel is falling on deaf ears, that's when to back off.

But because you are a giving and gentle, empathetic person, people with a needy nature will gravitate towards you like a marble rolling down glass....

remember my advice to you in your thread - about turning their negatives vback on them, with a positive of your own....

 

Truly, if they never get in touch again, it means the stake hit home.

 

If, on the other hand, they come back to you with anything remotely like - "D'you know what? You're right! I prefer your attitude, and I decided I wasn't going to do this any more!" then you've struck gold.

 

It's all a question of remembering that whilst preople of this kind deserve some compassion, because they've gone so wrong somewhere, they really don't know any way out, any more, the most important thing, for you, in order to continuing being true to yourself, and honouring the goodness in yourself, is to exercise a little barrier-building.

That's not to say we have to shut ourselves off form people, or always keep them at arms length....

It just means that we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves, or expose too much of our heart for them to kick to bits.

we owe ourselves that.

we deserve it.

When it comes to Compassion and loving kindness, we should come first, because if we can't bring it home - we can hardly expect others to respect it, can we?

[freestyle]

Couldn`t have said it better myself! Taramaiden, you rock!!!

 

It`s very refreshing to come across a kindred spirit like yourself. I`ve lost count of how many times I wanted to respond to a post, just to find that

you beat me to the punch, saying everything I would`ve said,(chuckling to myself)...........that`s so cool!

 

It`s all good, it doesn`t matter who says it, it only matters that it gets said.............

 

I admire the way you can cut to the chase on a topic, and articulate it succinctly.

Just wanted to send you a warm fuzzy and a smile...............

 

Kudos to you!

[TaraMaiden]

Oh thank you free, that's a really generous and kind thing to say! How lovely of you!

 

I love the fuzzybun!!

 

(you're not a stalker, are you....?)

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[freestyle]

best Vincent Price voice........."Muuuuaahhahahahahahahahah":p

 

No,kidding aside, I have observed you sending out a lot of sound advice

and positive vibes....................just wanted to send some back your way. And tip my hat to you.

 

Oh goodness, did we hijack here? sorry, Writergal:o

[writergal]

Well its been 3 days now since it happened and I'm still feeling depressed about how poorly I handled myself. Yes, I had a right to be angry at him for being self absorbed and his constant whining. I'm not depressed about being angry. I'm upset with myself for the way I escalated the phone call, to the point where I was the only one yelling, before I hung up the phone on him.

 

He hasn't tried to contact me at all. I realized today that his actions really hit a raw nerve of mine; a pattern that I have with my romantic relationships is that I put myself second ALL the time with men I'm romantically involved with. And this time around, is the first time in years where I asserted myself (albeit, too much by yelling) by expressing my true feelings (anger, frustration, exasperation).

 

The question is, I still have the urge to apologize to him, not for HIS benefit as much as for my own -- because I don't like how I behaved. And I wouldn't want someone else to treat me the way I treated him over the phone, even though he was being self absorbed and disrespectful. So, if I do send him a quick apologetic email, its not to restablish contact with him, but to put some closure to our connection in a way where I can feel good about myself.

[TaraMaiden]

"I regret our discussion, deeply, because it hurt me.

More specifically, I hurt me.

I took me into a place where I wasn't very nice, and I said things in a way that was harsh, stern, cruel and biting.

But I'm not sorry for the reason.

My reasons were valid.

The gist of what I said to you still stands, and I hate that I let it bring out the worst in me.

So I really am not sorry for the things I said, but deeply sorry for the way I said them.

I'm not going to ever give anybody the opportunity to steer me in that direction, again.

It took away my dignity, and I refuse to ever lose that for anyone."

 

How does that sound?

[writergal]

TaraMaiden, that's just about right. It conveys to him that I am sorry for the way I acted, but am not sorry for what I said. He's so self absorbed that a phone apology would be fruitless. By sending him an email, at least this way I can move forward feeling good that I asserted myself again and don't need a response from him to validate how I feel about myself. Thanks for your support Tara!