2 mos. since D-Day....when will it get better?

[Fraggles]

Hi. It's been 2 months since I discovered my H having an EA for about 2 months with a woman from my son's Cub Scout Troop (A.K.A. the dating service of the millenium).

 

He ended it immediately. We are both seeing therapists. He is remorseful, guilty, ashamed, etc. Said he "knew it had to end but didn't know how to...was afraid OW would become "fatal attraction" like." he knew he wanted to stay with me and save our marriage.

 

This is one thing that is niggling and bothering me...up to the day I discovered the A, he was still lying and planning with her. The night before she called at 1am and off he went. He told me it was a work emergency. The day that I found out he was planning to go out that night with her too. I have questioned him over and over and he tells me what he stated above. Not sure how he was going to end it, but knew he had to. I am still having a hard time being satisfied with this answer.

 

For the last few weeks things were going so good. My H and I are truly closer now, he is attentive and we are more emotionally and physically intimate than we have been in YEARS! But for the past few days I feel like I am experiencing things all over again! I have been really down, angry, irritated, etc.

 

Last night it came to a head when I could not sleep b/c the thoughts were swirling again like they were 2 mos. ago. He was trying to sleep b/c it was late and I wanted to talk and he became very annoyed and frustrated at me. I told him if I start getting this response everytime I need to talk then we can just forget it! It was 1am but guess what, 1am didn't seem to matter when off he went to see her!

After arguing for a while he realized he was sounding like a jerk he said was sorry, said he'd watch how he responds. He was kinda shocked the past few days with my mood 'cause things were going so well.

 

I know no one has the answer on when it will be "all better." Guess I just need some emotional support from those who have experienced this.

 

I am trying to get a grip on how things may pan out for us by looking at everyone's experiences here.

 

Hopefully, I will come out of my "funk" before I host Thanksgiving dinner here next week! YIKES!

[moimeme]

I haven't been in that situation but I'd hazard a guess that the emotions you're having are similar to the ones one experiences after loss - they don't happen in a straight line, but rather it's more like a roller-coaster! You drop down to the bottom, then start climbing up. You ride along on the straight for a bit and then - ZOOM - down into the valley again. It will probably happen for a while yet. Just know that you'll ride back up again in a while.

 

I wish you both the best of luck. It takes a strong couple to withstand this sort of difficulty and it's great that you are working at it together.

[Fraggles]

Yes, I know it will be a roller coaster for a while! I just hope he can withstand it. I tried to tell him last night that if he cannot be unconditionally supportive of feelings that we have little hope. *sigh*

 

We are going to MC soon. Maybe that will help even more.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Fraggles,

 

I have been in your place. I don't remember how long your H's EA lasted, but I think he is going to have suck it for a while. If his marriage means anything to him and he really wants to save it, he is going to have to be supportive of you.. even when he doesn't feel like, even when he is tired and rather be sleeping.

He is going to have do what ever you need him to do in order to regain your trust.

 

The time it takes to rebuild varies from relationship to relationship and your mood is going to vary as well. I think this recent mood swing stems from you thinking about his excuses.. and it seems like you are questioning the reasons he did not end it since he says he wanted to stay with you and was "trying to end it." Lying to you and actively planning w/the OW does appear to be the mark of a man trying to end it. Could it be he is saying this because he thinks it is what you want to hear? And has this crossed your mind? If so, that could explain why you are on the roller coaster again.

 

To me, ending w/her would have taken one sentence from him - "I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore." He was worried about her getting crazy and that's why he didn't end it? Well, after he got caught, that didn't seem to bother him enough not to end it.. The crazy things men can say when they are trying to get out of something just amazes me. Your H is going to have be HONEST and upfront in answering any questions you have. If you feel like he is holding something back, getting your marriage back on track will be harder, if not impossible. He can not keep anything sacred between him and the OW, it all has to be exposed to the light of day.

 

As for my situation.. My H and I had been rebuilding for about 10 months. We are happy, our marriage is strong and I'm not looking back.. So there is hope. Just hang in there.

[figuringitout]

This reminds me a lot of my own situation. I am 13 mos. from D Day. My wife and I have had boat loads of therapy - individual, couples. We understand a lot more about each other and our relationship and have some very positive signs. However, I still come things that remind me of D Day and the feelings that ripped over me - sick stomach, depression and anger. The anniversary of D Day was tough because you remember what you were doing the year before and how one day turned everything around in life (sometimes I think it would have been better to be blind to it).

 

Let's face it, what happened to us was horrific. It can effect you pretty deeply. The good thing is that you have a lot of times that are good or show progress. Being a year+ out, I am thinking more rationally (about staying and going). I guess you need to decide how frequently you feel this way. For me, I am going to keep reassessing. If the event consumes too much of my mood, I need to move on and stop giving it control. If the improvement continues, I will go with it and chalk the whole thing up to "tuition."

 

Let me know how you progress. I am only 10 months ahead of you. Maybe the exchanges can help us both.

[Fraggles]

It's been about a month since my post on this thread.

 

I had to step away from the forum for a while because it was actually hindering things at that point. Reading everyone's experiences started to trigger daily my own. Not good, as far as I am concerned.

 

Anyways, things are progressing, I guess, slowly. I went through three tough weeks starting at my first post. Had Thanksgiving dinner here at our house with 20 people, from both sides of the family. Ended up drinking too much wine and being up all night again. Note to self: Stay away from booze at this point!

 

I am still "stuck" on the OW. She lives three blocks away and just driving down her street drives me nuts. I HATE seeing her car. Have visions of ramming into it...So, I started going out of the neighborhood another way. It takes me four blocks and three traffic lights out of my way. Really doesn't help I guess, because just the avoidance makes me think of her. *sigh* Sometimes wish we could move (H says he will move if I want too.) But then my proud side takes over...why should I move when I did NOTHING? I live in a house that has been in my H's family for 38 years.

 

Some nights I go to sleep with visions of me confronting her and what I would say, do, etc. Last night I couldn't sleep and had "visions" most of the night. This cannot be healthy. I just don't know what to do.

 

I have no fear of my marriage and its state now and in the future. My H is slowly earning my trust back and is behaving "appropriately" in every way. We are both in therapy and in the new year will start couples counseling. Things will get better, I am sure of it.

 

Why can't I let her go? Why can't I just put the OW behind me (us) and truly move on? ARRGHH....

 

Seeing my therapist on Friday and need to figure this out....

 

Any suggestions, advice, experiences that may help? PLEASE let me know!

 

Firguringitout: Would like exchanges to see if we can help each other. Lord knows we all need all the support we can get! Thanks!

[GeorgiaSongbird]

Oh, the tales I could tell about what I thought about doing to the OW.

 

I guess I was "lucky" because she did not live near here.. 99% of their contact was online. But I did obsess .. It was bad for a while. I had to stop myself from doing stupid stuff I knew I would regret later.

 

It took several months for it to even begin to fade. I know it so hard to do, but ignore her .. pretend she does not exist. That's what I started doing. I hated the obsessive stuff I did because I did not want to give her anymore power in over our relationship than she already had.

 

At first, I kinda felt like a kid plugging her ears with her hands while she saying "nah-nah, i can't hear you" but slowly, her "non-existence" became a reality. A therapist friend of mine once told me I could make myself more positive by repeating positive thoughts to myself, even if I didn't believe them at first, they slowly would became real... I've used this trick and it works.... and this worked for me in coping w/the OW.. by forcing myself not to check to see if she was online, not checking her blog.. her importance began to diminish. I'm coming up on 1st anniversary (Jan 5) of the day I consider D-Day so it has been on my mind some.. but nothing obsessive or crazy.. just looking back and realizing how far we have come, how much we love each other and how strong our marriage is..

 

It is very true that the best revenge is a life well lived... I know there is always an urge to confront the OW and tell her what you really think of her but letting her see that you still have a strong marriage and still love each other and are happy with each other and your marriage is all she needs to see. You have the last laugh... and the best one.

 

Feel free to PM me..