She's on her family's leash!!!! >: - (

[PracticalShade]

In order for my serious girlfriend and I to no longer be long distance (3 hours drive from North Dakota to Canada) she has to go through the immigration type process so she can live and work in the United States. (Many of you know it can take up to a LONG time and cost lots of money) So I suggested that since we know we intend to be married we should go ahead and get a marriage license, file for her to come in from Canada as my wife (only 355 dollars and she'd still be able to visit the states in the meantime just not LIVE here) and since I'm military it would be an expedited process. We could get the courthouse thing out of the way, and then when she her papers come, we have the celebration and she moves to be with me. Problems solved, yes?

 

Well what's practical is not always easy. She has lived in the same town all her life, grown up with all the same people and has a healthy relationship with her family-- a little TOO healthy if ya ask me. She's almost 23 and her mom has, from what I see, an emotional dependency on her. "The only thing I know is being a mother" her mom has often said. Overall I'd say my girlfriend's decisions are influenced just as much by what her family thinks as what she herself thinks.

 

Well we're in a bit of a bind now because sincerely wants to be with me but she's having a hard time with the idea of temporarily leaving her home town and her family. My enlistment isn't up for another 4 years so I can't yet apply to move to Canada and the expenses to see her every so often are such that I end up living paycheck to paycheck.

 

She's always lived in the same area and always had a co-dependent family life so in turn she's never really been faced with anything hard. So now being with me would me being away from all that so she's uncertain.

 

Being understanding is one of my strong points, but in this situation I feel like she's dancing on the line between me being understanding and her learning that sometimes love calls for sacrifices.

 

How do I deal with this?

[TaraMaiden]

You wait for her to make that decision, but you can't make it for her.

 

You can only tell her how you feel, and be open.

but do so in a way that will clarify your position, unequivocally and unambiguously.

And tell her you'd like a decision by <X date> because you really don't feel it's something that should be left hanging. But give a reasonable time, say, a month....

 

Her priorities will become evident.

Then you can move on together.

Or not.

As the case may be.

[hoping2heal]

In order for my serious girlfriend and I to no longer be long distance (3 hours drive from North Dakota to Canada) she has to go through the immigration type process so she can live and work in the United States. (Many of you know it can take up to a LONG time and cost lots of money) So I suggested that since we know we intend to be married we should go ahead and get a marriage license, file for her to come in from Canada as my wife (only 355 dollars and she'd still be able to visit the states in the meantime just not LIVE here) and since I'm military it would be an expedited process. We could get the courthouse thing out of the way, and then when she her papers come, we have the celebration and she moves to be with me. Problems solved, yes?

 

Well what's practical is not always easy. She has lived in the same town all her life, grown up with all the same people and has a healthy relationship with her family-- a little TOO healthy if ya ask me. She's almost 23 and her mom has, from what I see, an emotional dependency on her. "The only thing I know is being a mother" her mom has often said. Overall I'd say my girlfriend's decisions are influenced just as much by what her family thinks as what she herself thinks.

 

Well we're in a bit of a bind now because sincerely wants to be with me but she's having a hard time with the idea of temporarily leaving her home town and her family. My enlistment isn't up for another 4 years so I can't yet apply to move to Canada and the expenses to see her every so often are such that I end up living paycheck to paycheck.

 

She's always lived in the same area and always had a co-dependent family life so in turn she's never really been faced with anything hard. So now being with me would me being away from all that so she's uncertain.

 

Being understanding is one of my strong points, but in this situation I feel like she's dancing on the line between me being understanding and her learning that sometimes love calls for sacrifices.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

I also grew up in a small town, and lived in the same general area most of my life. My mother EXTREMELY emotionally dependent on me. I went through a phase of feeling like SHE needed to be happy if a guy was going to be with me. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, and wrong. Family is important, but a husband is family too. When you marry your husband or wife they are now YOUR immediate family. Just because someone is your mother or father does not make them always right. I had to stand up for myself and stop the crap that was going on and if she really wants a serious relationship in her life, she needs to come to that realisation also. That is part of maturity. Making your own decisions, not letting your parents make them for you. That's what they did your first 18 years of life, as an adult it's time to take what you learned and stand on your own two feet.

 

So, will she ever understand that? I don't know. As another poster said you can't force her, you can't make that connection for her. She needs to realise that for herself. Otherwise your relationship will be at the mercy of her families wishes and I don't wish that on ANY man or woman.