We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[Sweetberries79]

Hi, I suppose this post will get me the scorn and derision that I deserve, but things have got worse lately and I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and with some insomnia I found myself coming back here after a few years break (again!!!). There are similarities to the situations of the posts by davnnic and michael-yyy, so you guys, you may wish to read on, in particular.

 

Well, I am married, no kids, he is married, 10 years my junior, now with two kids (I presume). We met on an international 'adult' (= sex) site in June 2007. We agreed to a date in the city and bet at a bar and I was instantly attracted and overwhelmed by my attraction to him. It was mutual. Compounding the romance and intensity was the fact that while I was busy holding the hand of and looking besottedlly into the eyes of my soon-hoped-to-be lover, I had left my handbag bag behind me and a thief took it and made the most of the contents of it. That kinda ruined the evening but intensified things pretty quickly. I was in tears, he comforted me, kissed me on the forehead several times, held me, said we would do things together like search for it in bins, he accompanied me to the local police station....(little did I know that one day he would go to the police because of me). I declined the taxi fare home (feeling guilty about teh $ and just took a few dollars for a bus fare home) and he kissed me goodbye. The evening was soon over and I was preoccupied with what to say to H about me getting home w/out the car, etc. I made an excuse and luckily I got it and most of the contents including a PDA back (no mobile phone, cash or glasses or disposable camera though) the next morning.

 

Anyway, I wanted to meet him again and he me, but there were excuses. There were internet conversations and emails, including some difficult exchanges. I had to face putting my mother in a nursing home and he was dealing with his wife, who was sick apparently, so we never met again. Then things were going O.K., then I put 2 + 2 together, and realised his wife is sick because she must be pregnant! I had to contain my jealousy as I don't have kids and after 18 years of marriage w/ no sex life and mental health issues and little family support, I doubt I will (+ other reasons). Anyway, the chatting and text (sms) and email exchange continued -though emails were mainly from me, of course. I told him I was going into a therapy program at a local hospital and he said for me to email him when I 'get back' or something. Being inpatient and still wanting desperately to see him again, one night I was frantic in my psych's office during an appt. and he just said via text something like: "I destroyed everything with my over-analysing, inability to relax and psychobabble..". He wanted it over - I didn't. The last message I got from him was to look after myself. Months passed, I sent text messages and emails sporadically. No response. To this date, I am amazed how steadfastly he managed to never to respond to any emails or sms's, no matter how much love and thought I put into them.

 

Come February last year (2008), I lost the plot and something else triggered my anger and I decided to call his wife. I told her we had met through a sex site but that nothing happened. Unfortunately, I had also told him via a voice message and a text (sms) that I would like him to suffer the way he had made me suffer. The worst I did was post his mobile (cell phone) number on msn messenger for a day or two for guys to ring and said that I had gone past his house (I never did - I had the wrong address!). But he took these threatening messages to the police. I sent a basket of flowers to his wife twice to apologise (once before and once after the police contacted me, who were very nice), and sent emails to him to apologise. I sent sms' of love to him. I had to deal with the fact that he wanted it over, but I was too stupid and too stubborn to see it. By now I was a full bunny boiler but too stupid to see that. If I had just accepted it months back that it was the end for him, that what he had felt was just nothing.

 

Still, I said that one day I would contact him which I did recently. I called from a public phone (so that he would not recognise my number). He hung up. I followed it up with three sms' and last week I got a letter from my mobile (cellphone) provider that three text messages made at the time I texted him were unwanted. I have sent a final email (twice) saying I will never contact him in any way, again. I know he has not read it and probably never will.

 

So there you have it. Lots of tears, grief, agony and money and time spent. I have a police record with his name as victim against my name. I have probably damaged his marriage, depending on what he told his wife about me compared to what she believes about me and him. I had to call an ambulance to calm me down the day after I made that fateful call. Therapy bills. More therapy bills. I was a bunny boiler on a mission instead of just accepting that he wanted nothing to do with me. Let's forget the pain, because life is unfair and it is futile to ask questions such as why is he happy, or he must be happy to treat me like this or I deserve what I got, etc. Life is cruel..I had a glimpse of what it is like to be in a relationship, to be in a blissful state of feeling passion for a man for a few hours who I wanted and who wanted me back, and perhaps I have to thank God I have that brief, but nice, memory forever.

 

But I have to live with the consequences of not only what I have done to his wife, but that I have made him suffer stress due to repeated contact he doesn't want and that I know have to live with myself knowing there is a person out there who hates my guts and who I have installed the fear of God into (he probably thinks what will this psychob*tch do next some day). He probably maintains a file of all my texts and emails in case he feels he needs to take them to the police one day. I still have to get up in the morning and live my life, but it is getting mightily hard to do so. This doesn't happen to other people in the same way. My obsessive nature makes it so much harder for me to deal with rejection, unlike others. Perhaps they have better self esteem that they can move on and put it behind them. Perhaps at least they are friends with their ex_Other(Man/Woman), but I am not and in the end, I would have been perfectly happy with that and nothing more. Put I ruined that chance too. But I seem to be unable to move on from this pain. (Please don't analyse my marriage, either. I am not leaving him and looking for someone else as I have my reasons for loving my husband deeply, too).

 

Apologies for the length of this post and thanks for any readers and especially posters!!

 

 

Im glad I took the time to read this one. Ive been in a relationship with a married man for over 3yrs.Im also married. Ive found out about him also seeing someone else,while at the same time telling me I was the only one he was seeing. I know,if he does it to his wife why would I think he wouldnt do it to me?

So anyways,Ive been going back and forth on what to do since I found out 6months ago? We have still been seeing each other. Than,a couple weeks ago he finds out from his wife she wants a Divorce because she found something else out about him? This being her third time.Now,according to him she wont tell him what she found out this time? But,swears he's still only seeing me. Needless to say,Im not only confused with everything.But,suspect that there still is someone else and Im Furious. Furious enough where I told him I was just going to go to his wife and just get everything out. Because,like U I want him to go through some pain. I truly believe he is a sociopath and I told him that. He,of course doesnt want me going to her because he does have a son and she's already using the son as a object against him.

After,reading what U went through,Im now thinkn that it may not be such a good idea after all. That I just have to come to my senses and get out now before Im hurt anymore.Its very unfortunate,but reality,I think? Why do Men have to be so freakn difficult?

Thanks for sharing your Story!

[MistyK]

MistyK, thanks again, you are one of the most gentle and sympathetic posters in your reply, which I appreciate, as reading some of the responses is really a bit hard to take. (I can't sleep and I thought my post replies had died out, but I logged on to find it is still alive - guess there is a huge time zone difference!) My definition of a "lover" is perhaps antiquated as well as antipodean (lol) but I am stating what he wanted from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Yes, you are correct, actions DO speak louder than words and I do appear to be attached to the fantasy that never happened. But he has well and truly destroyed that now (I hope, fingers crossed). Thank you for your gentleness, again.

 

AG, It's your fantasy- he can't destroy it. You have to tear it down yourself. Understand that he is not, and never was anything more than another creep trolling the internet for sex. But I don't know how much that helps because you're just going to change your obssession from "love" to "hate". What you really need is to be indifferent. Do you have tools, programs, methods you use to stop intrusive and obsessive thoughts?

 

My therapist used to suggest that I picture a stop sign everytime I felt myself heading down a unpleasant train of thought. Focus on that a moment, then a envision of something calm and pleasant. Do whatever works for you. Best wishes.

[aussiegirl66]

He said he wanted a lover - which means someone to have sex with --- NOT someone to fall in love with.

 

You built this entire 'relationship' up in your mind. I mean, hello - he didn't even TRY to have sex with you the one time he met you years ago.

 

And you are still obsessed with him, his wife, his kids --- seriously --- I think you need more inpatient help. Doesn't sound like your therapist is doing a great job.

 

You have become a stalker. You continue to email him, sms, text, and WOULD drive by if you knew where to find him. That is sick behavior.

 

He never really wanted you -- I think like Misty said, he could sense it would not just be sex for you and he bolted. But you kept contacting him. He told you NO; he told you to leave him alone. Hell, he called the POLICE to stop you ---- yet you continue.

 

This is more than OCD -- it truly is. There is something 'off' in your brain that is not letting you understand -- he was never your MM, he was NEVER in a relationship with you, he doesn't want to hear from you and he probably regrets the day he ever first responded to you on a sex site.

 

It isn't "mean" of him to not respond to you --- it is normal. He has his own life, that doesn't include you.

 

Leave him alone. Stop emailing him, stop calling him. He wants NOTHING - NOTHING - to do with you. Leave him in peace.

 

And please -- try to get yourself more help. Does your H know you continue to try to talk to this guy?

 

Thanks again, fooled once for your response. We didn't have sex because of my bag being stolen and then the excuses he came up with for not being able to meet in subsequent weeks. Yes, it does sound like I am still obsessed with him, but I certainly don't want to take any further action in contacting him as this has jolted me and really left me struggling again. I sent him a final email stating that I got the letter from my mobile (cell) phone company that the text messages I sent him recently were unwanted and that I shall never contact him again. He has not read this or he has junked this as I have a program attached to hotmail that tells you if a message has been read. It doesn't matter, anyway.

 

I mean I agree that I am obsessed in that I think about him (though not in a loving, romantic or kind way anymore) and I wonder about him, his family and I wonder about the whole situation I created, but I don't plan on entering his house and boiling any bunnies in the near future even though I know where he lives (or at least, used to live).

 

Yes, to you it may not be "mean" of him not to respond, but it hurts a helluva lot when you had feelings for him and the expectation that he would respond and when you invested a great deal of my mental energy for many months (August '07 to February '08) thinking about him and emailing and sms'ing him. To my thinking, ignoring a person when they are particularly vulnerable to being ignored IS mean. It is precisely hurting them at their weakest point, it is stabbing them right in the heart. Sorry, don't mean to exaggerate, but I don't think you understand the pain I have gone through. In my last sms to him, I referred to him as "Cruel Heathcliff" as in the novel Wuthering Heights.

 

My husband knows and I told him about the therapy appointment. He suggested that if therapy allows me to stop getting obsessed with other men then it is good idea to continue, but that it wasn't great that I felt like I left his room thinking he could not give a toss about whether I returned or not which just served to further compound the "annihilation" that the therapist said this man did to me and which is something I find difficult to deal with.

 

Anyway, I am leaving him in peace.

[aussiegirl66]

whichwayisup, thanks for your post. I don't think I need to be in hospital or in the out-patient Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) treatment program again, when I have completed all the modules before. I don't think I have "problem behaviour" in regard to him that would necessitate me having to be in the DBT program (it is problem behaviour that the DBT tries to address) as I not going to be a problem to him ever again. Thank you for your concerns, though.

[aussiegirl66]

Sweetberries79, well if it stops you acting on behaviour such as telling his wife, perhaps my pain will have been worth it. I think you are thinking alot more clearly than me though. It sounds like you have a handle on him - already you are thinking he is sociopathic, which it certainly sounds like and while this wife is not naive not to be suspecting him, you don't really want to incur the wrath of anyone. It is an awful position to be in. Also, it sounds as though you are not really emotionally involved in some fantasy like I was, which is great. I hope you can detach soon. All the best.

[Sweetberries79]

I enjoyed reading your response to fooled once. People are so quick to Judge instead of giving advice that would help. Until they've been in ur shoes,they just dont know? This is where. We as Womaen need to try and learn from one another. Become strong individuals so we dont allow the men we let enter our lives. Walk all over us and make us feel important one minute and like we dont exiat the next. I think U and I have very similar situations. Im hoping I can break away and feel at Peace with myself,also. Take Care

[aussiegirl66]

IfWishes...I am trying to do that, but getting the letter from my mobile phone provider last week about the 3 texts I sent him, reading the postings here and coming out of a therapy session with a therapist who basically just let me go to decide what I wanted to do has left me really raw and fragile today. Thank you for your concern though.

[aussiegirl66]

This is more than OCD -- it truly is.

 

OCD paired with BPD.

 

AG,

 

You intimated that this had happened before. Your husband calls these men you become obsessed with spleen-faces. What does that mean, exactly? The truth is that you will never EVER have a normal relationship until you get this under control. This isn't about ANY man, this is only about you. Why does it not make you so sad that your H puts up with this like you were a delenquent child that he doesn't have the guts to kick out.

 

Give the DBT a fair shot, and change therapists You need tough love, and you need someone who is going to seriously work a program with you. Also, in my OWN opinion, I think group settings for BPD, are completely a waste. Ask your H for help finding the "best" clinic to fit your needs. You'll never be in any R that doesn't exist soley in your own head unless you get yourself straightened out.

 

 

IfWishesWere...yes, the first guy I became obsessed about was in the U.K. (I called him Mr Darcy, but this story did not have a sweet, "Jane Austen" ending though he did turn out to be kinder than the local bloke in some ways). As I am in Australia, I suppose that was lucky for him, but I got over him when I met this guy (Cruel Heathcliff, well I am trying a bit of black humour). Though I think this guy here at home and Mr Darcy in the UK must have known each other as they dealt with me in exactly the same way.

 

"Spleenface" is just my husband's term which he has coined to refer to men he dislikes because I get obsessed with them or in one case, had an affair with five years into our marriage (which I confessed and regretted to him). He is quite 'British' in his attitude to distress and not much ruffles his feathers and he knew I had "issues" when we got married and he believes that his overwhelming love for me will reign in the end, which it always does. That is the simple explanation.

 

I talked to the therapist afterwards about how I felt after the appt. I said that I felt annihilated like this man made me feel so I put myself in the gutter where this man placed me emotionally and it was a kind concerned off-duty policewoman who got me off the side of the road and chatted with me. He said that to discuss content like discussing my story and everything I have posted on these boards is just too much for me and I need to be more emotionally stable to deal with it, basically. He said he would look into getting me a private DBT therapist, but that I don't need to go back to the hospital's DBT program and go through all that rigmarole of filling out daily diary cards, doing homework, etc.

 

Now, IfWishes.... I understand what you are saying in stating "because if this man in anyway allowed you to believe that the man you met has done YOU any harm then he is failing miserably at reality orientation." - but I think this is a bit rough. The fact is that he HAS done me possibly permanent harm to my mental health and left me emotionally scarred forever. Not just the rejection - the going to the police and having a police record, the 100% ignoring behaviour for many, many months, beginning from when I was in my psychiatrist's office in a vulnerable emotiona state and now the letter from my mobile phone company about the sms' I sent him. All that is destructive, heart-wrenching behaviour. I know he doesn't care about me or how I feel, I know it is not his responsiblity how I feel, but the fact remains is that he has done that.

 

In you stating what you have, I feel you are going against one of the prime teachings of DBT therapy which is that you should ALWAYS validate the patient's feelings because a person with a BPD diagnosis like me has probably had an issue with being ignored and having one's feelings ignored or dismissed since childhood. I know you are practising tough love as far as I am concerned, but I think you are being a bit harsh on the therapist, perhaps?

[aussiegirl66]

MSUE, thanks again for posting. Strangely enough, NO, I was not expecting a call to say "thank you" as what I did was beyond that. I just wanted the gesture to speak for itself as I could not undo what I had just done. I don't have a restraining order, or what we call in Australia an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO) but the policeman warned me that if I persisted, then that would be considered. I had no intention of doing anything further but I did continue to send him emails and sms' but there were not threatening or something he would take to the police. Unwanted, yes. Yes, I know the grasp of reality I have/had was poor.

[bentnotbroken]

I enjoyed reading your response to fooled once. People are so quick to Judge instead of giving advice that would help. Until they've been in ur shoes,they just dont know? This is where. We as Womaen need to try and learn from one another. Become strong individuals so we dont allow the men we let enter our lives. Walk all over us and make us feel important one minute and like we dont exiat the next. I think U and I have very similar situations. Im hoping I can break away and feel at Peace with myself,also. Take Care

 

 

In OP case if I could judge(which I can't) she would be looking at jail time. He has told her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone. Her actions are frightening. He has a child. I am one of the people here who has to deal with the actions of OW and I was anger and afraid for myself and my children.

 

My mental health issues aren't as serious as hers, but I have major issues too. I am OCD, diagnosed. It is time OP takes control of her issues and leave others alone. She talks about her H not caring, how she doesn't need to be in out-patient or hospitalized, but she talks about her thoughts of obsessing over other men.

[Jilly Bean]

What's interesting is how you keep talking about what HE did to you. How HE gutted you, how HE devastated you, etc.

 

But this all existed ONLY in your head, hon. It was a self-created fantasy and nothing more.

 

I don't doubt you suffered greatly over this, but it's important to realize he did NOTHING to contribute to it. He met you once, didn't want to see you again, and never led you on in ANY way. You NEVER had anything with him beyond meeting for ONE drink years ago.

 

All of this was created by you, for you, and everything that happened after the ONE meeting, was all because of you.

 

You are very self-aware in many ways, yet I fear you won't get the help you truly need, and will continue to perpetuate this cycle with another man, and who knows the results of that encounter.

 

Please, for your own sake, and that of other potential men you meet and engage, seek additional therapy, and do consider an in-patient stay. Nothing wrong with it, like you said. I just think you need a more concentrated and focused treatment than you are getting presently.

[aussiegirl66]

This thread is very painful. I feel for all the pain you've been in regarding this man and his wife, as well as the pain you must've suffered most of your life.

 

IfWishes said that you're therapist did you a disservice by supporting a notion that this man has harmed you somehow, well I don't think one session with a new therapist is going to let you know if he's useful or not. Remember, IfWishes, Aussiegirl has trouble deciphering reality from her somewhat delusional thought processes - it sounds to me like the therapist offered her a viable explanation for why a man might cut off all ties with her - and Aussiegirl might very well interpret that as support that the man "wronged" her - because that's what she wants to believe. No therapist can force her to change her deep-rooted sckewed views of reality right away. I think you should continue with this therapist before bailing on him, aussie. If he's any good, he'll direct you to the most appropriate types of therapy for you, given your psychological problems.

 

We can see how deep-rooted Aussie's view of reality is by her focus on how she knows she has psychological problems, yet she can not see that she has entirely misinterpreted her "relationship" with this man and his wife, her jealousy over another woman's pregnancy, her understanding of how NSA sex works and what it means, her continual defense of why she sent flowers, and her apparent lack of regard for how this makes her husband feel and how it affects her already troubled marriage, and very importantly, the danger she has put herself and others in. She might say she sees it, but she really doesn't.

 

Breaking down after your therapy session yesterday aussie, indicates just how raw this thing is for you, and how vulnerable you made yourself by talking about this. I commend you for examining these troubles, and I thank you for writing about them here because we are hearing directly from a disturbed woman who most likely has a personality disorder that many posters throw around when talking about their exes... here is the real thing. Perhaps we ALL can learn from Aussiegirl.

 

I would like to know, as other posters have suggested, what you think this man meant by his use of the word "lovers?"

 

 

bubblegum, thanks for your post. I don't know what to say, really. Thank you, you are absolutely right about the pain I feel now and the pain I have felt throughout most of my life. (Of course, Mr Cruel, O.K, the MM wouldn't understand, even given his admission of having suffered depression for two years when his fiance broke up with him before he met his wife.)

 

The therapist's explanation was viable I thought - that some men/people chose to annihilate others and they do this in order to succeed in their goals. Not something that I do, but that is how the therapist tried to explain this MM's behaviour.

 

So you are trying to say that what while I am entitled to feel that I was "wronged" by the MM, it is not a correct or reality-based interpretation of the truth? Sorry, but I don't know what to say, I am struggling with this.

 

Anyway, it is the therapist who has temporarily bailed on me, because he doesn't think I am stable enough to deal with discussing him (the MM) and what happened as I was in tears the whole session and there were quite a number of replies (3 pages worth) when I saw him yesterday morning.

 

I Do understand what NSA sex is. I have had NSA sex with other men and had no problems dealing with it afterwards. I didn't think when I met this guy that I would end up feeling I wanted more from this guy. The problem is that I fell for him and he didn't fall for me. It is that simple, in some ways.

 

It certainly seems like I disregard my feelings for my husband, but I don't. I can't say anymore. While I am extremely grateful for all the advice and feedback, I am really fatigued by it all at present and trying to reply to all the responses. A sincere Thank you.

[Owl]

It certainly seems like I disregard my feelings for my husband, but I don't. I can't say anymore. While I am extremely grateful for all the advice and feedback, I am really fatigued by it all at present. Thank you.

 

You don't disregard your feelings for your H...but it CERTAINLY seems like you disregard his feelings for you.

 

There is NOTHING in this thread that talks about what this must be doing to him.

 

Given that, and given your (apparently) one sided obsession with OM...it makes me wonder if there's NPD in your diagnosis alongside the OCD?

 

There is a LOT of me, me, me in your posts...very little about what anyone else is feeling/going through/dealing with.

 

That's something you might consider talking with your therapist about.

[bentnotbroken]

A lot of about others bailing on her, but nothing about bailing on herself.

[NoIDidn't]

Aussiegirl

 

I really, REALLY feel for you. You are clearly suffering from a mental illness and need psychological help.

 

I don't say that as a snarky poster on the internet. I say that as a person that is related to many people who suffer similarly. I have seen the struggle that you post about IRL. And its not funny. Children have been taken away from mothers, domestic abuse with romantic partners, unable to hold a job because of mental instability - AND - lost of contact with family members because these persons refuse to see the reality of their situations.

 

I see that in you. You need help. Real help. Not a forum in cyberspace. No one here is really talking to you. We are posting with your wounded sense of yourself. We are corresponding with the depression, not the person suffering from it.

 

I get that you have a difficult type of OCD/BPD to treat. But that doesn't make it untreatable. But you have got to want to get help for yourself. I don't know how old you are (and I am not asking), but things only get worse the longer you go untreated. You don't want any more charges against you. Prisons are full of people with your diagnosis. Is that the treatment you want? To be afraid and truly alone in a prison with likeminded women?

 

Please get help. Please.

[aussiegirl66]

You don't disregard your feelings for your H...but it CERTAINLY seems like you disregard his feelings for you.

 

There is NOTHING in this thread that talks about what this must be doing to him.

 

Given that, and given your (apparently) one sided obsession with OM...it makes me wonder if there's NPD in your diagnosis alongside the OCD?

 

There is a LOT of me, me, me in your posts...very little about what anyone else is feeling/going through/dealing with.

 

That's something you might consider talking with your therapist about.

 

 

Owl, yes I understand that response. But no, I have felt for both my husband, the OM, the the OM'S wife and kids (why else would I have bothered sending the flowers - twice?). As for being Narcissistic and having NPD, I sincerely doubt it you have hit the nail on the head, sorry.

 

I don't need this levelled at me in addition to everything else. I think if you read DSM(IV) or whatever the latest update is, then you may see what I mean. However, that is how you view things about me, and while it greatly upsets me to read this, I will leave you to your opinion. Thank you.

[NoIDidn't]

Given that, and given your (apparently) one sided obsession with OM...it makes me wonder if there's NPD in your diagnosis alongside the OCD?

 

We have several therapists in this forum that would have better information than I have. Kismet, dobler, and DevilInside come to mind right away, but there are others as well.

 

She's told us about the OCD, and I think the others are correct that there is more going on than just OCD. Aussie didn't seem to argue with someone that mentioned BPD. And I agree with that.

 

BPD comes across very much like NPD. The symptoms or diagnostic criteria is very similar. But NPDs don't obsess like this. They don't have that adverse reaction to rejection that she has. People with BPD obsess because of the rejection.

 

I wish one of our resident therapists were here to at least talk her into stepping away from the computer. None of this is helpful to her.

[bentnotbroken]

We have several therapists in this forum that would have better information than I have. Kismet, dobler, and DevilInside come to mind right away, but there are others as well.

 

She's told us about the OCD, and I think the others are correct that there is more going on than just OCD. Aussie didn't seem to argue with someone that mentioned BPD. And I agree with that.

 

BPD comes across very much like NPD. The symptoms or diagnostic criteria is very similar. But NPDs don't obsess like this. They don't have that adverse reaction to rejection that she has. People with BPD obsess because of the rejection.

 

I wish one of our resident therapists were here to at least talk her into stepping away from the computer. None of this is helpful to her.

 

 

So very true.

[PhoenixRise]

AG

 

I don't think there is anything that anybody here can say to you to get you to see that you have injured yourself. The object of your obsession did not injure you.

 

The police were called on you because of your actions. This man met you onee for drinks and exchanged a few emails and sms with you which you say pretty much consisted of you contacting him.

 

He is not responsible for the fact that you have issues with rejection.

 

You keep pushing and pushing until you get some kind of response from him even if it is a negative response. He called the police. He went to your cell provider to keep you from texting him.

 

You have to get some in real life help. Whatever you are currently doing is not enough. You have to figure out how to get control of yourself or his next step will probaly be to get a restraining order.

 

I wish you the best. I really do.

[bubblegum]

You're welcome Aussiegirl, no problem.

 

Your feelings about the relationship you had with this man are real, and deserve to be validated. You met only once but did indeed correspond with him for many months before he told you to get well and chose to ignore you. Of course that hurts! And it is your reality. But I think what is shocking to posters is that you continued to hang on to a connection with a man for 1.5 years after he made you feel annihilated. Reaching out to him occasionally for a month after that, might be understandable -- but things definately got extreme for you, and you're still suffering the loss, the heartache, the betrayal, the rejection you felt then as if it happened yesterday. But good news! You're no longer acting on those feelings, in terms of contacting him! Good for you! And, you've gone to a new therapist -- you're trying to take care of yourself and get out of this hole.

 

I do think that interpreting people's words and behaviors might be difficult for you at times, particularly when you have, for whatever reason, invested a great deal of emotion into them. That's what I was getting at about reality.

 

I'm sorry you feel that your therapist is bailing on you, because I can see where he might be coming from. There are tons of issues related to this episode in your life, and if you were trying to tell him about it all, your feelings and thoughts, contacting the wife, the police etc etc while crying and in great distress it is reasonable for him to conclude that you are too overwhelmed at this precise moment (i.e. unstable) to discuss things. Not surprising! It was very recent that the police contacted you and the phone company, etc - it's RAW. Rest, and soon enough you'll be able to talk about things without such a high level of distress.

 

I admire the strength you have in taking the time to respond to posters, even when it's difficult and you're feeling vulnerable. You're obviously quite bright and articulate. On one level this is a very simple problem, like you said: you fell for a man who didn't fall for you. On another level, this incident is the outcome of ongoing problems that run deep and touch many aspects of your life, and will continue to without guidance.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[fooled once]

Im glad I took the time to read this one. Ive been in a relationship with a married man for over 3yrs.Im also married. Ive found out about him also seeing someone else,while at the same time telling me I was the only one he was seeing. I know,if he does it to his wife why would I think he wouldnt do it to me?

So anyways,Ive been going back and forth on what to do since I found out 6months ago? We have still been seeing each other. Than,a couple weeks ago he finds out from his wife she wants a Divorce because she found something else out about him? This being her third time.Now,according to him she wont tell him what she found out this time? But,swears he's still only seeing me. Needless to say,Im not only confused with everything.But,suspect that there still is someone else and Im Furious. Furious enough where I told him I was just going to go to his wife and just get everything out. Because,like U I want him to go through some pain. I truly believe he is a sociopath and I told him that. He,of course doesnt want me going to her because he does have a son and she's already using the son as a object against him.

After,reading what U went through,Im now thinkn that it may not be such a good idea after all. That I just have to come to my senses and get out now before Im hurt anymore.Its very unfortunate,but reality,I think? Why do Men have to be so freakn difficult?

Thanks for sharing your Story!

 

So you are mad he is seeing someone else besides you and his wife, yet you are still with him? Doesn't that then negate you being mad? I mean, by accepting him back into your bed, you have given him the GREEN LIGHT to continue his behavior. And if he is such a sociopath, why are you still sleeping with him?

 

And finally - it is okay if just YOU are sleeping with him (besides his wife) but if he cheats on his mistress with another mistress, it isn't okay and NOW you want to go to his wife? Really?

[NoIDidn't]

So you are mad he is seeing someone else besides you and his wife, yet you are still with him? Doesn't that then negate you being mad? I mean, by accepting him back into your bed, you have given him the GREEN LIGHT to continue his behavior. And if he is such a sociopath, why are you still sleeping with him?

 

And finally - it is okay if just YOU are sleeping with him (besides his wife) but if he cheats on his mistress with another mistress, it isn't okay and NOW you want to go to his wife? Really?

 

 

LOL. Its just easier for us to make someone else responsible for our well-being. That way, if we get hurt, its their fault.

 

I really don't get this throwing around of psychological diagnoses as of late. A sociopath? Really? Just because he cheated on the person he was cheating with? Wow! So what does that make the person he was cheating with? An opportunist?

[fooled once]

I enjoyed reading your response to fooled once. People are so quick to Judge instead of giving advice that would help. Until they've been in ur shoes,they just dont know? This is where. We as Womaen need to try and learn from one another. Become strong individuals so we dont allow the men we let enter our lives. Walk all over us and make us feel important one minute and like we dont exiat the next. I think U and I have very similar situations. Im hoping I can break away and feel at Peace with myself,also. Take Care

 

How do you KNOW I haven't been in her shoes? Yes, I have been a OW; but no, I didn't continue to harass someone when they told me it was over.

 

Judge? No, it is called speaking from experience and I don't sugar coat things.

 

OP - but you KEEP trying to get a response out of him - you sent him an email to tell him you got a letter from your mobile company saying obviously he blocked your texts -- seriously - WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS - he blocked your texts -- why do you think he wants an EMAIL from you? And you must have attached a program to your hotmail emails because I have hotmail and I don't know if someone has read it OR if it went to junk mail. He probably closed that email account and uses another one.

 

Ugh.... drives me crazy when people get all up in arms over straight up advice and start the "you don't know, you don't understand". Sometimes, hearing it from those that haven't been in those shoes is the MOST valuable advise ever because it is the most OBJECTIVE since they haven't been in that 'club' and they aren't in affair fogs.

 

I am sorry you allowed yourself to become so attached to a guy who you didn't know to the point that you are at. That is why I think there is more to your mental wellbeing -- because I could understand it better had you been having an ACTUAL affair for years; but you didn't even have a relationship because you only met for a couple hours.

 

I hope you find some healing.

[MistyK]

The fact is that he HAS done me possibly permanent harm to my mental health and left me emotionally scarred forever. Not just the rejection - the going to the police and having a police record, the 100% ignoring behaviour for many, many months, beginning from when I was in my psychiatrist's office in a vulnerable emotiona state and now the letter from my mobile phone company about the sms' I sent him. All that is destructive, heart-wrenching behaviour. I know he doesn't care about me or how I feel, I know it is not his responsiblity how I feel, but the fact remains is that he has done that.

 

Phoenix put it really well earlier. At some point I hope you see that HE didn't do anything except ignore you and try to protect himself from you. You scarred yourself with this obsession - he would never have contacted the police if you hadn't persisted, (and you persisted even after that!). He wasn't trying to hurt you, he was trying to get you to honor his request to have no more contact. I don't doubt that your feelings are real, but they aren't based in reality.

 

So you are trying to say that what while I am entitled to feel that I was "wronged" by the MM, it is not a correct or reality-based interpretation of the truth?

 

Exactly....posters have said it over and over, some more gently than others. I understand wanting to find someone to sweep you off your feet - but it seems that he didn't fit the bill and you cast him as Prince Charming anyway. For whatever reason, you need to believe that the relationship is more than it was and since you've internalized this skewed reality, you're hurting just the same as if it was real.

 

It might help if you allow yourself to see things for what they really were and take responsibility for hurting yourself, rather than blaming him for hurting you.

[MSUE]

 

To my thinking, ignoring a person when they are particularly vulnerable to being ignored IS mean. It is precisely hurting them at their weakest point, it is stabbing them right in the heart.

 

let me ask you this...do you think if he was all nice and sweet about asking you to stop it would have made a difference? nope I highly doubt it would have...but what it could have done is add on to your fantasy..fuel it...it is not mean to ask someone that is stalking them to stop as it is in fact unwanted contact... and you have been told over and over to the degree that authorities had to get involved.

 

is only a stab in the heart because you have made yourself believe as if he owes you something...keep on therapy and be very truthful and straight forward with your therapist...otherwise it is a waste of time and money...the only way you can come back to reality and prevent another episode is if you are truthful w your therapist and yourself...the second one I know will be the hardest.