We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[MSUE]

I don't think that is going to happen because a) that requires a really deep understanding of me and insight on his part which he is not capable of and he has no reason to spend time on doing and b) because of his latest actions which really tell me alot about what he thinks of me (hate, anger, fear, indifference or all of these) -- that is the hard part for me in going on and putting this behind me, I think.

 

AG...it does not matter what he thinks of you at this point...but if I was him I'd be indifferent along with some fear...you did stalk him hun and that is scary when you are on the other end because he really doesn't know you nor does he know what you are capable of or not...you see horror stories in the news all the time...let me be clear here...I think you are harmless...I'm just giving you some perspective here...but in order for you to heal and be balanced and stable again...you need to stop caring about him, what he feels, what he thinks, whats he doing? is he happy with the wife? did they have a baby? is he still lurking on these sex sites?

 

that's is where you need help the most...you can't heal and move forward wout letting go...emotionally and psychologically of this man...this is the start...letting go...please communicate this with your therapist...I'm sure he/she will agree and will guide you in the best direction to do so

[aussiegirl66]

First of all, answer this simple question: why do you care so much what he thinks of you? (I have more questions, but I'll ask one at a time, in order to keep things as clear and precise as possible.)

 

bubblegum....yikes! I don't know what to say...you have really caught me out on this one again and I thought I had escaped!!. I guess you want the honest answer(s)?

 

1) because no matter how much he hates me, loathes me, is indifferent towards me, well, I don't hate him, loathe him, etc. Yes, I made a big mistake but I still have "feelings" for him - not obsessively Romantic/fantastic escapades like I used to, but one of friendly and loving concern and care, which means I care about what he thinks of me;

 

2) It is not nice knowing that someone in the world has this much animosity towards you, I tend to prefer to deal with people in my life the way the "Desiderata" poem says, which is, without surrender, to be on good terms with people as far as possible. I don't like "cold wars" - I have seen one too many of them in my family and relatives and have felt the ravages and destructiveness of these since I was a child, including between my father and brother, which is extremely painful. I know there are people in this world who don't like or care for me very much, and that is O.K., but his feelings run deeper, I think.

 

3) A wise person said to me that someone had told him this saying:- "What somebody else thinks of you is not your business". That is a hard one but perhaps what you are trying to get at?

[aussiegirl66]

AG...it does not matter what he thinks of you at this point...but if I was him I'd be indifferent along with some fear...you did stalk him hun and that is scary when you are on the other end because he really doesn't know you nor does he know what you are capable of or not...you see horror stories in the news all the time...let me be clear here...I think you are harmless...I'm just giving you some perspective here...but in order for you to heal and be balanced and stable again...you need to stop caring about him, what he feels, what he thinks, whats he doing? is he happy with the wife? did they have a baby? is he still lurking on these sex sites?

 

that's is where you need help the most...you can't heal and move forward wout letting go...emotionally and psychologically of this man...this is the start...letting go...please communicate this with your therapist...I'm sure he/she will agree and will guide you in the best direction to do so

 

Dear MSUE.... Yeah, you are right...I do tend to ruminate in my mind about the answer to these questions, but thankfully, there is a piece of me that doesn't want to know, that doesn't want to know the answers to these questions because the answers might be too painful to hear/bear. I am glad you think I am harmless, though, because I was worried that I was about to be cast in a remake of "Fatal Attraction" or the sequel or something like that! But seriously, I will certainly do as you suggest regarding taking the posts to my therapist and I agree about the necessity of emotional and psychological detachment from 'wondering' about him. Thank you again, hon

[bubblegum]

bubblegum....yikes! I don't know what to say...you have really caught me out on this one again and I thought I had escaped!!. I guess you want the honest answer(s)?

 

1) because no matter how much he hates me, loathes me, is indifferent towards me, well, I don't hate him, loathe him, etc. Yes, I made a big mistake but I still have "feelings" for him - not obsessively Romantic/fantastic escapades like I used to, but one of friendly and loving concern and care, which means I care about what he thinks of me;

 

2) It is not nice knowing that someone in the world has this much animosity towards you, I tend to prefer to deal with people in my life the way the "Desiderata" poem says, which is, without surrender, to be on good terms with people as far as possible. I don't like "cold wars" - I have seen one too many of them in my family and relatives and have felt the ravages and destructiveness of these since I was a child, including between my father and brother, which is extremely painful. I know there are people in this world who don't like or care for me very much, and that is O.K., but his feelings run deeper, I think.

 

3) A wise person said to me that someone had told him this saying:- "What somebody else thinks of you is not your business". That is a hard one but perhaps what you are trying to get at?

 

Right there, in bold, that is all I'm focusing on at the moment. Explain the logic to me, I'm missing it. You care about him, you have concern over him... which leads to you having concern over what he thinks of you? How/why? Please spell it out.

[MSUE]

Dear MSUE.... Yeah, you are right...I do tend to ruminate in my mind about the answer to these questions, but thankfully, there is a piece of me that doesn't want to know, that doesn't want to know the answers to these questions because the answers might be too painful to hear/bear. I am glad you think I am harmless, though, because I was worried that I was about to be cast in a remake of "Fatal Attraction" or the sequel or something like that! But seriously, I will certainly do as you suggest regarding taking the posts to my therapist and I agree about the necessity of emotional and psychological detachment from 'wondering' about him. Thank you again, hon

 

it is some sort of fatal attraction case in its own way...but you are harmless...I feel it in my heart of hearts...now don't prove me wrong missy

[aussiegirl66]

Hey Missy Sue back...yeah, I gotta admit it was a kinda fatal attraction case and don't we all know it (including him) and on my father's grave I will not prove you wrong! aussiegirl xx

[aussiegirl66]

bubblegum...I dunno...I am stumped. I mean I understand there is no logic to in a formal symbolic logic kinda way, but I am trying to say that if you cared for someone, then you would be concerned about what that other person thought of you, surely? You at least would want to leave some kind of positive memory in their mind. On the other hand, if I had only negative feelings and/or indifference towards someone, then it wouldn't matter what another person thought of me. I mean it is different with siblings and close relatives - I care about my sister, but sometimes when we argue I don't really give a toss about what she thinks about me, but it is different for friends and lovers, or is it not?

[MSUE]

I am trying to say that if you cared for someone, then you would be concerned about what that other person thought of you, surely? You at least would want to leave some kind of positive memory in their mind. On the other hand, if I had only negative feelings and/or indifference towards someone, then it wouldn't matter what another person thought of me.

 

the thing here is that while you fantasized with "prince charming" and developed these emotions...to him you were just another number...another chix on a sex site...memory? you are not someone he cared for...and if he did tell you it was just lies...ultimately the goal is to have sex no strings attached when you meet people in such sites but that never happened and he saw the pattern that was developing here...he smelled it a mile away... and he made the smart decison to back off...I would have done the same thing...these feelings and emotions were not mutual by any means...and you need to someway somehow process this and stop this sort of denial state you are in... you have to get to the point to accept this situation for what it truly is darling...today is Monday so keep us posted w the therapist apt

[bubblegum]

On the other hand, if I had only negative feelings and/or indifference towards someone, then it wouldn't matter what another person thought of me.

 

"It is not nice knowing that someone in the world has this much animosity towards you"

 

So what do you really think? He has tons of animosity, or he feels indifferent?

[bubblegum]

You had an appt with a different therapist today, right? How did it go?

[Dexter Morgan]

PhoenixRise, I will respond to you, just to let you know I am O.K. in terms of not wanting to do anything to myself. I understand that what I did by pursuing him was stalking and that it was wrong and that he had a right to refuse any more communication with me. What happened was humiliating and embarrassing in addition to be extremely distressing for me and yes, I did crave any sort of attention from him, no matter if it was negative. He probably realised that that is what "pushes my buttons" and used that fact against me and that is why he refused to answer any of my sms's or emails and that is what makes it hurt all the more, too and makes me think of him as a cruel man. I know and understand what everyone has said. It just hurts like hell and has left me quite depressed and I am not sure whether I will be able to complete my studies, or just fail everything as what I have read here has been quite shocking and it really doesn't make me want to go on with life in a very enthusiastic way. I am on medication anyway.

 

I would like to reply to each of the other posters, but I can barely contain my tears when I read this and my husband has seen me and my depression and also doesn't want me reading this as he sees me crying and not being able to do anything for hours or days on end. I am not sure what to do. I can only wait for a referral from the therapist I saw last week to another therapist which I will get on Monday morning.

 

I think I have made it perfectly clear that being in a psychiatric hospital is going to do nothing and I am not eligible for admission, anyway. That fact seems to be lost on some of the posters here. I understand how they can say that I should be in hospital, given what I have done to this MM, but the fact is hospitalisation can't do anything for me. They can put me on stronger, anti-psychotic-type meds, but I am not psychotic, so I don't qualify for admission. Neither am I depressed enough to qualify for in-patient admission, nor am I self-harming. Therefore, I can't get admitted to hospital.

 

I understand and feel my pain only too well - I am not in any "unreal" state about the reality of what I have done, because if I was, I wouldn't feel so much pain on reading these posts. Anger yes, because everyone says he was justified to ignore me IN THE WAY HE DID, but mainly just self-hatred at my refusal to accept "no" alot sooner than I should have and in the way I caused him stress by him having to go to the police, hang-up on me three weeks ago and have the letter sent from my mobile phone company about the last 3 text messages I sent him.

 

I understand what everyone is saying and the effect of reading these posts is real. I am not brushing off what is being said to suit my skewed or disturbed view of reality. It is not that I fail to see what everyone is saying is not correct, as it is really shocking me, but the pain I feel in knowing that I have lost this man forever is really very difficult to bear. I am not saying this because I want to get involved with him again, but I have to live with the fact that there is someone out there who hates my guts so much that the best thing he can do is to forget me, and that is difficult. I hope he is happy in his life, but of course he must be as he doesn't suffer any sort of mental illness and if still decides he wants sex on the side, I am sure he will be more careful in choosing a woman in the future.

 

I disagree with anyone who says that he did not annihilate me. While he was justified in doing so, the fact remains that that is what he did.

 

Anyway, I just have to learn to deal with pain and that is the most I can probably get out of therapy. I don't think I will get myself involved in a situation like this again.

 

 

*sigh*

 

all of those words, and the only thing you are concerned with is the other man and YOUR pain.

 

never a mention of what you are doing to your husband. and your husband seems to be taking all of this too well. I feel bad for him. Here he is concerned about your well-being, even after what you did to him, and all you can think about is the OM and yourself.

 

I'd like to take your H out for a beer.

 

so my question to you is, why is your husband so insignificant that you don't even mention the pain you are causing him? Why do you not mention once about feeling bad about what you are doing to him?

[Dexter Morgan]

I just wanted to say thanks to those posters above, thanks for kicking someone when they are down and I hope you got your entertainment value out of it - they know who they are and I am not singling out any-one in particular, who may have contravened the code of Character and conduct, subsection dealing with Civility and Respect of this site, as quoted below:-

 

"Character and conduct

 

Civility and respect

 

We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant"

 

Just letting you know that I tolerated the put-downs because I felt ingratiated to posters who posted on here and that in my sad state I just accepted whatever was thrown back at me, but that it really hurts and I wish I could throw more pithy Australian insults at you, but of course, I can't

 

Oh and the full quote is: "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits" !

 

the one part of the underlined text deals with "respect".

 

Can you tell us how your husband is respected in all of this? You betrayed him, but that isn't nearly disrespectful to him as now that the affair is brought to light, your concern STILL lies with the OM and not with your H.

 

respect?

[aussiegirl66]

the thing here is that while you fantasized with "prince charming" and developed these emotions...to him you were just another number...another chix on a sex site...memory? you are not someone he cared for...and if he did tell you it was just lies...ultimately the goal is to have sex no strings attached when you meet people in such sites but that never happened and he saw the pattern that was developing here...he smelled it a mile away... and he made the smart decison to back off...I would have done the same thing...these feelings and emotions were not mutual by any means...and you need to someway somehow process this and stop this sort of denial state you are in... you have to get to the point to accept this situation for what it truly is darling...today is Monday so keep us posted w the therapist apt

 

Hey hon.. yeah I know it appears that I was anothe chix on a sex site, but he did state he wanted to be my lover and in Australia, that means a steady person who you see and have sex with, not permanent, if that makes sense, but with "strings attached" which I assume is a euphemism for "emotional ties" and the fact that you see the person more than once. Sure, he may have changed his mind, God knows! I mean there is a category of relationship on these sites called "discreet relationship" and he did have that ticked...but anyway the question is academic now. He is smart for sure..he didn't have the intensity of emotions for me that I had for him. Crikey, I have been reading some sites on stalking, including the one for the state I am in and the information really scares me...it scares me that he only sees himself as a victim of stalking by me now and nothing else because I can see how sending flowers (even though it was not to get him back - it was to apologise to them), unwanted texts, calls and emails is defined as stalking, even though to my mind, I didn't feel I was doing that at the time. But basically doing anything unwanted is stalking. Not just scares me, but really makes me sad, actually. I can see how his actions were a textbook case for him of replying to nothing as doing so only reinforces my behaviour and encourages it. He is a smart fella, indeed...being harsh to me and disregarding my feelings to protect himself, basically. The other sad fact is, that I'll bet that in his real life with his wife, friends, family and colleagues he is a nice man and not disregarding or inconsiderate of others' feelings at all!

 

Re the therapist...I did get a referral to a new therapist from the guy I saw last week, and we chatted a bit on the phone to her on Monday and it sounds as though we will get on well, but unfortunately she can't see me until another two weeks and I told her I could manage the distress in the meantime, thanks for asking hon! Bye for now xx

[aussiegirl66]

"It is not nice knowing that someone in the world has this much animosity towards you"

 

So what do you really think? He has tons of animosity, or he feels indifferent?

 

Hey bubblegum...I have thought about what you said...I read your post then thought about it for a while and I think that for 99% of the time, he is indifferent towards me, or if he automatically thinks of me, it is only with some fear. However, if I do something to make him think of me, like unwanted contact, like texting him and unfortunately in one text I said to him that I "wasn't going to give up" well then the indifference and fear quickly turns to animosity. MSUE thinks he feels fear and indifference as his main feelings towards me and I tend to agree, I think.

[aussiegirl66]

Hello again bubblegum - thanks for asking! As I told MSUE above, I did get a referral to a new therapist who can deal with OCD and BPD diagnoses and she immediately understood where I was coming from with just having spoken to her on the phone. Unfortunately, have to wait for 2 weeks for appt and just have to manage any distress I may feel in the meantime. Thank you so much for your concern. I will certainly keep you guys posted but I am worried I am taking up too much of your and MSUE's time here!

[aussiegirl66]

Dexter Hi again....I see that we are both Michael J. Hall fans (well both H and I are but we haven't kept up with the show here). It is not true that I am disregarding of my husband's feelings. He knows about this and I ask him about the hurt he feels and to give you a full response would be complicated and I don't want to tell you what he thinks second hand in case I say something wrong. Nor can I really "feel" what he feels deep inside him. He does say I am lucky to have him for many reasons though (I totally agree) and a part of me is relieved as I am not cheating on him with this man, not just physically, but emotionally. I know this sounds like a trite and inadequate response but I just wish to leave it there.

 

BTW, I even tell him about your responses on this site (I say there is a dude called Dexter on here who thinks about you and who is on your side) and while I am sure he would like to go out with you and have a yarn about something of mutual interest - and no, not about this stuff, I'm afraid he is a teetotaller!

[MSUE]

AG...

 

well you have my ear and shoulder for the next 2 weeks...

 

maybe longer if you behave yourself

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter Hi again....I see that we are both Michael J. Hall fans (well both H and I are but we haven't kept up with the show here). It is not true that I am disregarding of my husband's feelings.

 

Then why not even the consideration of a mention in this thread or any expression of remorse over what you did to him?

 

In this thread its all about you and the OM....not about your husband.

[MSUE]

Then why not even the consideration of a mention in this thread or any expression of remorse over what you did to him?

 

In this thread its all about you and the OM....not about your husband.

 

 

because the issue itself is about the obsession with the OM...has nothing to do with the H right now...she needs to address this issue within herself before she can work this out with her H...truthfully from the lil I've read regarding him ...sounds like a great guy who is supporting her recovery and is genuinely concerned about her well being.

 

cut her some slack...she is trying...but its baby steps...one thing at a time

[Dexter Morgan]

because the issue itself is about the obsession with the OM...has nothing to do with the H right now

 

thats a pretty sad notion. problem is, it won't EVER be about her H with her mindset. even if she kicks her obsession with OM, her H will always be insignificant in her grand scheme of things.

 

 

 

...she needs to address this issue within herself before she can work this out with her H

 

and just how long should the husband have to put up with her issues? how long should he wait after she betrayed him?

 

something tells me, however, and I hate to say it, that the H will be a doormat and let her do whatever. maybe not without consequences, but something tells me she could go out and bone 50 men in a year, and he finds out, and he still won't want a divorce for whatever reason.

 

 

 

...truthfully from the lil I've read regarding him ...sounds like a great guy who is supporting her recovery and is genuinely concerned about her well being.

 

yes, he doesn't deserve what he is getting.

 

 

cut her some slack...she is trying...but its baby steps...one thing at a time

 

slack? ....slack? I might be able to if she even mentioned what she did to him or even feeling one ounce of remorse ONCE in the entire thread.

 

but not ONCE did this happen.... and she can have her major OM obsession issues.....the H could have been at least given the respect of a mention just ONCE about remorse for what she has done to him.

 

I wonder if he read this thread. And if he still acts like a pushover after reading her total disregard of him and only cares about the OM's state of mind....then he has his own problems to work out. I don't know of anyone that is totally disrespected, then after being disrespected, treated totally insignificant after the fact and still cowtows to the person that shows that kind of total disregard. And if he doesn't care that she doesn't see him as significant as the other man, then its easy to see how she got away with it......and will in the future.

[aussiegirl66]

Dexter, firstly in regard to your response to my "respect" post, I think you are conflating the two definitions of respect, i.e., respect is used both in the sense of "recognise a right" and "have high regard for". I understand you don't feel that I don't respect my husband, but I do have a right to be treated with respect on this forum and that is the point I was trying to make.

 

I understand that you have a legitimate grievance towards me as far as disrespecting my husband, but as MSUE correctly says, I am not here for getting support with my feelings towards my husband, but dealing with the issue of my obsession, if you wish to call it that, for my xMM. What does it matter if I haven't mentioned my husband, and you are incorrect, I think if you read it, you will see that I have mentioned him. Just because I don't post feeling remorse on here doesn't mean I don't feel remorse towards him. But I honestly feel that if things had worked between my xMM and me, I may probably feel alot more guilt about it that I do now. Guilt and happiness because at last I had found passion for someone who felt the same about me. Perhaps. Also, remember that I did not have a PA with this man, I wanted to, but it never happened.

 

Also, yes, I could "bone" 50 men and get away with it and in some ways that is what I will do in my life. I have sexual needs that my husband cannot meet and it is alot simpler to go to a club and have once-off NSA sex with no complications. You may see that as betrayal, but what I do with my body has NOTHING to do with my husband. We have both agreed that we are happier not discussing or engaging in sex. Just because I am married, does NOT mean my husband has 100% control over my mind or my body. I know you disagree with this, but I am taking a practical solution to my problems that minimises pain to everyone.

[aussiegirl66]

AG...

 

well you have my ear and shoulder for the next 2 weeks...

 

maybe longer if you behave yourself

 

Thanks MSUE, you are very kind. I was reading the other thread about the MM who had her xOM call the cops on her, though her situation is different to mine because she did not actually harrass him. I can see the debate getting very heated when children are concerned, and I guess I am lucky that I don't have children and at my age, probably never will in all reality otherwise I can see myself really getting crucified on here.

 

The comments made by posters that this OM "threw her under a bus" and musn't really care if he did this to her make me hurt quite alot as it really makes me examine my case again. It really supports the fact that this man did not care about me in the least, despite leading me to believe that he did care. I know you have said that it is because he only wanted sex, but I am not sure. It has got to be more than that for someone to mistreat me the way he did in such a deliberately cruel way.

 

But it just hurts, I just drive in my car, mulling it over and suddenly think, yeah I understand, but then I don't because I think how can someone just hate me so much to have done that to me, in then to reinforce it more recently when I got the letter from my mobile phone company about the text messages I sent him. I mean I did nothing but love him, and he just couldn't spare me one minute of his time to send me a text or email. It is not so much the rejection, but how can someone think so lowly of me, that they couldn't have sent me one 'itty bitty' email or text, way back in 2007, before all this mess happened months later? I know that people can mistreat others, but the way this guy treated me, I just don't get that people who are human, who feel pain and sadness, who have learnt from the lessons of history, could deliberately cause me so much, unless somehow he felt I deserved it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, firstly in regard to your response to my "respect" post, I think you are conflating the two definitions of respect, i.e., respect is used both in the sense of "recognise a right" and "have high regard for". I understand you don't feel that I don't respect my husband, but I do have a right to be treated with respect on this forum and that is the point I was trying to make.

 

you feel you have the right to be respected on this forum. ok. but you don't feel the same way about your husband's right to be respected by you.

 

And by the looks of it, he is a man that is highly due respect. sounds like a great guy with the wrong woman and he deserves love and respect from someone that will give it to him. so if thats not going to be you, why don't you do right by him and set him free so he can find that, whether or not he thinks its the best thing for him. Because I don't think he really grasps the depth of your disrespect or your attitude towards him as insignificant.

 

 

 

I understand that you have a legitimate grievance towards me as far as disrespecting my husband, but as MSUE correctly says, I am not here for getting support with my feelings towards my husband, but dealing with the issue of my obsession, if you wish to call it that, for my xMM.

 

 

well I don't get the idea that you really want to come to terms with your infatuation with the OM. I think you'd rather things were different and that you and the OM were together.

 

 

 

What does it matter if I haven't mentioned my husband

 

you really have to ask that question?

 

 

 

and you are incorrect, I think if you read it, you will see that I have mentioned him.

 

you mentioned him....but in general. I am talking about mentioning what you are doing to him and the disrespect you are showing to him, much less any remorse, or lack of, you feel.

 

 

 

Just because I don't post feeling remorse on here doesn't mean I don't feel remorse towards him.

 

doesn't mean that you do either. fact is, if you felt remorse, you would have said so at least once. But he is insignificant to you. all that matters to you is the OM.

 

So you say this is about kicking the habit of the OM, or your obsession? How about starting with your husband? How about re-committing yourself to him and build on his obvious strength, which I guess could be seen as a weakness as well, and make your H the focal point to forget about the assh0le other man?

 

Well? How bout it?

 

cuz if you don't want to do that, then just set your husband free from you.

 

 

Also, yes, I could "bone" 50 men and get away with it and in some ways that is what I will do in my life. I have sexual needs that my husband cannot meet and it is alot simpler to go to a club and have once-off NSA sex with no complications.

 

ok, after seeing you post that, then there is absolutely NO REASON for you to stay married to your husband. But maybe thats it. You know you can walk all over him and he will coddle you and not want to leave.

 

but really, after saying all that, why the hell are you even with him? Oh right, this isn't about him...its about the OM:rolleyes:

 

 

You may see that as betrayal, but what I do with my body has NOTHING to do with my husband.

 

????....Did you or did you not take vows with this man? Did you or did you now vow to "forsake all others"?

 

I tell you what, go to your husband, and tell him what you just told us about sexual needs and that if you screw someone else, and what you do with your body has nothing to do with him. Then tell him, "its my body, you are just going to have to deal with it when I use it the way I want with someone else"......get real.

 

 

We have both agreed that we are happier not discussing or engaging in sex. Just because I am married, does NOT mean my husband has 100% control over my mind or my body.

 

no, but as a wife, you should have 100% control in not screwing another man. are you for real? something tells me you have your husband really brainwashed and gaslighted.

 

 

 

I know you disagree with this, but I am taking a practical solution to my problems that minimises pain to everyone.

 

by saying you basically have a right to cheat since its your body?? whether you want to admit it or not, come and backtrack...whatever...this is exactly what you are saying.

[fooled once]

Dexter, firstly in regard to your response to my "respect" post, I think you are conflating the two definitions of respect, i.e., respect is used both in the sense of "recognise a right" and "have high regard for". I understand you don't feel that I don't respect my husband, but I do have a right to be treated with respect on this forum and that is the point I was trying to make.

 

I understand that you have a legitimate grievance towards me as far as disrespecting my husband, but as MSUE correctly says, I am not here for getting support with my feelings towards my husband, but dealing with the issue of my obsession, if you wish to call it that, for my xMM. What does it matter if I haven't mentioned my husband, and you are incorrect, I think if you read it, you will see that I have mentioned him. Just because I don't post feeling remorse on here doesn't mean I don't feel remorse towards him. But I honestly feel that if things had worked between my xMM and me, I may probably feel alot more guilt about it that I do now. Guilt and happiness because at last I had found passion for someone who felt the same about me. Perhaps. Also, remember that I did not have a PA with this man, I wanted to, but it never happened.

 

Also, yes, I could "bone" 50 men and get away with it and in some ways that is what I will do in my life. I have sexual needs that my husband cannot meet and it is alot simpler to go to a club and have once-off NSA sex with no complications. You may see that as betrayal, but what I do with my body has NOTHING to do with my husband. We have both agreed that we are happier not discussing or engaging in sex. Just because I am married, does NOT mean my husband has 100% control over my mind or my body. I know you disagree with this, but I am taking a practical solution to my problems that minimises pain to everyone.

 

Yes, you have an obsession with a Married Man from one night 2 years ago. And he isn't "your" xMM - he was never yours to begin with. There was NEVER a relationship ~ which is part of the problem with you not seeing reality.

 

Regarding the second bolded part WOW --- if that is the way you feel, WHY are you married? Does he really not give a crap who you are screwing???

[Owl]

AG, so you and your husband have both AGREED to have an open marriage?

 

Or have you just stopped sleeping together and don't talk about it at all anymore?

 

What do you think your H would do/feel if he knew that you were with OM? If your H doesn't care...why didn't you just tell him the full truth and give him the address to begin with?