We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[aussiegirl66]

Wow. I am nearly speechless.

 

It doesn't sound like you have much to pine over. You met him for a few hours, nothing more. Why has that few hours which was never supposed to be for love and romance (you met on a sex site afteralll) now suddenly morphed into a Cinderella tale of one night of bliss? You said getting your purse stolen "compounded the romance". That's not romantic - I'm guessing you have fantasies about being rescued. That probably something you should look at.

 

Look at the reality - you had nothing with him at all really, so I don't understand why you are having such a hard time letting it go. Your obession with him after so little contact is disturbing - it worries me for you. I'm sure MM doesn't "hate" you, and I think you know that in truth he doesn't even care enough to hate you. It's ok - not everyone on earth has to like you. You seem like you need a lot of validation. Something else you might want to explore.

 

It doesn't sound like you're in a place where you can decide anything about your marriage, you need to get stable first. If I had to guess though, you stay because you're secure and stable with him, but he doesn't really "do it" for you. Someday you'll have to deal with that issue, but for right now, try to get well. I don't think anyone can meet your needs while you're in this state, so please stop looking outside your marriage. Get well and then worry about putting one foot in front of the other about your marriage. All you stand to do by having affairs is make things much worse for yourself.

 

Yes, thanks Misty K, you are probably right that he doesn't even care enough to hate me, but he has felt alot of stress about my presence so I guess he certainly hates any interaction I initiate with him. It is amazing how strictly he has stuck to what you guys term NC though through it all. I wonder whether that was instinctual as a male for him to just not care, because in truth, all he wanted was a good f*ck (which he could never admit on asking him), or whether it was due to experience, or someone suggested that to him, or what. Obviously, he thinks I am the lowest form of human being on the planet to just ignore my emails and sms' - I think you treat your worst enemy better than the way he treated me - as absolute scum basically.

 

As for my marriage, they say that you deserve the relationship you get. I hope he is happy within his marriage - he certainly appears to be judging by the way he reacted to me. Not just preservation of his marriage, but self-preservation was the main thing. And hypocritically, the first thing he said to me back on our first meeting was "I don't want anyone to get hurt". Yeah, right.

[aussiegirl66]

Aussie girl, when I read this all I can think is that this man probably won't be meeting anyone off of the internet! You really probably did his wife a great service, so I wouldn't be feeling guilty.

 

Am I understanding this right, that apart from the kiss on the head and his helping you, that that was your only connection. Why would you feel the need to apologize to his wife? Why did you consider that it was more than it was?

 

IfWishesWereHorses, O.K. You are right....though your statement implies that for me it wasn't intense..it was quite intense over the ensuing months when we chatted online. The reason I sent flowers, as a form of apology and which poster MSUE ? considers very freaky/unstable behaviour is because I called his wife to tell him about how I met him on the net and then I realised how his wife must have felt about this revelation. The second time was because I had a call from the police about the text/voice mail I sent him and perhaps wanted to apologise to them both, so I sent them another time (the policeman did on my behalf, actually). Hope that makes sense.

[GorillaTheater]

To answer your question, yes my H does know about the situation and he is a lawyer and he knows about most of my "spleen-faces" as he likes to call my obsessions over some men.

 

I find this very interesting. Assuming he knows the full story (including the sex site business), what does he think about all this?

[PhoenixRise]

Yes, thanks Misty K, you are probably right that he doesn't even care enough to hate me, but he has felt alot of stress about my presence so I guess he certainly hates any interaction I initiate with him. It is amazing how strictly he has stuck to what you guys term NC though through it all. I wonder whether that was instinctual as a male for him to just not care, because in truth, all he wanted was a good f*ck (which he could never admit on asking him), or whether it was due to experience, or someone suggested that to him, or what. Obviously, he thinks I am the lowest form of human being on the planet to just ignore my emails and sms' - I think you treat your worst enemy better than the way he treated me - as absolute scum basically.

 

As for my marriage, they say that you deserve the relationship you get. I hope he is happy within his marriage - he certainly appears to be judging by the way he reacted to me. Not just preservation of his marriage, but self-preservation was the main thing. And hypocritically, the first thing he said to me back on our first meeting was "I don't want anyone to get hurt". Yeah, right.

 

Unless you left the true account of your "relationship" with MM out of your post....there was nothing for him to NC from.

 

You had a date. You went out for drinks. You laughed and talked. You got robbed. He tried to help you find your purse. He kissed your forhead. That is it.

 

NC is when you are trying to end a relationship. This is just a situation where a man you dated once just didn't call you back.

 

He met you through a website for people looking for sex. He wanted sex. Not a relationship.

 

Your level of attachment to this man based on your limitied contact with him is what is making people, including me, say you need help.

 

I don't know what kind of help you need since you say you are on meds and still called him 3 weeks ago. Does your therapist know about your obsession with this man or is he/she treating you for something else?

[aussiegirl66]

Aussie girl,

 

May I ask what your diagnosis is?

 

Yes, well I don't want to go into too much detail but I have been diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) w/depression, which probably began to show at about 20 years, give or take a few years. My psychiatrist said that my form of it is particularly hard to treat (It is not the hand-washing or ritualising form of it). But while that may explain the behaviour, it is really no excuse for it, is it? I am thinking here the way alot of posters seem to be thinking, which is legally. ( BTW, this guy claimed to have legal qualifications, and so I can see how he only thought about my actions that way too, by going to the police about my text/message, etc, but somehow I doubt it he has. I know he is an extremely well paid accountant but doubt he has or has finished his legal quals.)

[aussiegirl66]

Unless you left the true account of your "relationship" with MM out of your post....there was nothing for him to NC from.

 

You had a date. You went out for drinks. You laughed and talked. You got robbed. He tried to help you find your purse. He kissed your forhead. That is it.

 

NC is when you are trying to end a relationship. This is just a situation where a man you dated once just didn't call you back.

 

He met you through a website for people looking for sex. He wanted sex. Not a relationship.

 

Your level of attachment to this man based on your limitied contact with him is what is making people, including me, say you need help.

 

I don't know what kind of help you need since you say you are on meds and still called him 3 weeks ago. Does your therapist know about your obsession with this man or is he/she treating you for something else?

 

PhoenixRise, thanks again for your reply. No, I think my account of the "relationship" was pretty well summed up in my post. He certainly didn't imply that he was just looking for sex - in fact, he stated he wanted a lover, though "nothing permanent". This I have a record of through the instant messenger conversations we had. Yes, I understand NC is when you are trying to end a relationship and that is what he was trying to do - there was a type of "contact" after we met - it was just that it was by sms or email or instant messaging, rather that in person.

 

I am only seeing this therapist this morning about these particular issues, as I haven't seen a person on a continuing basis about this since about 2007 when I saw a therapist as part of a therapy program I was doing at a hospital and I had an assigned psychologist (case manager). That what as the time that I had called his wife and he had gone to the police. I still contacted him after that (as I said, by email and sms).

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But while that may explain the behaviour, it is really no excuse for it, is it?

 

In my mind it is an excuse as well as an explanation. You need to get well, AG. When someone says leave me alone, you don't text, you don't send flowers, you go away. Most people know this, you are obsessed with this man. I would guess that these obsessions as well as your over all mental health are why your H doesn't want to have sex with you. I imagine he's sees you as a dependant rather than a partner.

 

You mentioned psychosis (I think) and OCD is generally considered a neurosis. There also might be other personality disorders in the works. Get a phsychiatrist, get some comprehensive testing done and get to work on your issues. That is the only way you are going to learn to live in real time rather than in your head or your own world.

 

I wish you luck.

[Jilly Bean]

OMG.

 

Obviously, the inpatient psychiatric stay didn't help any.

 

I suggest a FAR longer, and better medicated situation. Seriously.

 

None of how you behaved was normal, nor fair.

 

You met him for a few hours, and then he blew you off. Probably because he sniffed the instability. So, then you stalk him relentlessly, finally culminating in contacting his wife.

 

OP - check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Or, better yet - go watch Fatal Attraction, and see what happens to Alex when she doesn't relent on her attacks. You are not seeing this situation clearly at all, and I am concerned for the safety of all involved. If you continue to harrass this man, there's no saying how he, or his wife, might decide to silence you...

[MistyK]

Obviously, he thinks I am the lowest form of human being on the planet to just ignore my emails and sms' - I think you treat your worst enemy better than the way he treated me - as absolute scum basically.

 

 

AG, if I get your story right, it sounds like he didn't treat you badly persay, he didn't treat you at all - he just ignored you. This is part of the fantasy of what you built up for this non-existant relationship. You were on a sex site - it's not for people looking for relationships, it's for people looking for NSA sex. No more, no less. By looking for more from him, you essentially went to the hardware store for bread. Follow me?

 

As for my marriage, they say that you deserve the relationship you get. I hope he is happy within his marriage - he certainly appears to be judging by the way he reacted to me. Not just preservation of his marriage, but self-preservation was the main thing. And hypocritically, the first thing he said to me back on our first meeting was "I don't want anyone to get hurt". Yeah, right.

 

AG, STOP. STOP thinking about him and his marriage. It doesn't matter that he stayed, why he stays, or why he wants no contact with you. It is simply what it is.

[aussiegirl66]

But while that may explain the behaviour, it is really no excuse for it, is it?

 

In my mind it is an excuse as well as an explanation. You need to get well, AG. When someone says leave me alone, you don't text, you don't send flowers, you go away. Most people know this, you are obsessed with this man. I would guess that these obsessions as well as your over all mental health are why your H doesn't want to have sex with you. I imagine he's sees you as a dependant rather than a partner.

 

You mentioned psychosis (I think) and OCD is generally considered a neurosis. There also might be other personality disorders in the works. Get a phsychiatrist, get some comprehensive testing done and get to work on your issues. That is the only way you are going to learn to live in real time rather than in your head or your own world.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Hello again IfWishesWereHorses. I have almost ended up in hospital again today after seeing the therapist. He (the therapist) said that the way he (the ex other/married man) dealt with me was be annihiliating me and that I have problems with that and also with dealing with loss. I said I could not believe how he just ignored everything and he said that that is what alot of successful people do - just ignore what they don't want in their lives. I won't go into the details of how I nearly ended up in hospital, but a lady off-duty policelady saw me and was concerned and talked to me for a bit while her kids were in the car. Bless her, though I would have done the same thing if it was someone else in my position.

 

To put the record straight, I did not mention psychosis, I have not had a psychotic episode, though I do have some borderline personality trait. I have had a psychiatrist who I have seen regularly since 2002 and he has never been able to stop me from obsessing over lost things or men, unfortunately, even though he has tried to assist me to the best of his ability.

 

As far as the sexual issues are in my marriage, I think there is alot of truth in what you are saying, but that is only part of the problem. After an 18-year marriage, our sex live being non-existent is what it is for a whole host of complex reasons. Thank you for your post, though.

[aussiegirl66]

OMG.

 

Obviously, the inpatient psychiatric stay didn't help any.

 

I suggest a FAR longer, and better medicated situation. Seriously.

 

None of how you behaved was normal, nor fair.

 

You met him for a few hours, and then he blew you off. Probably because he sniffed the instability. So, then you stalk him relentlessly, finally culminating in contacting his wife.

 

OP - check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Or, better yet - go watch Fatal Attraction, and see what happens to Alex when she doesn't relent on her attacks. You are not seeing this situation clearly at all, and I am concerned for the safety of all involved. If you continue to harrass this man, there's no saying how he, or his wife, might decide to silence you...

 

 

JillyBean, thanks for your reply. I think you are right about him sensing my instability as he felt O.K. stating that he felt I was to a man who called his number, thinking he was calling me, when I did that in order to get back at him. (He was prepared to talk to a total stranger about me, but not to me about me, of course).

 

However, I MUST set the record straight about you stating that I had an inpatient stay!! Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I have NEVER been admitted as part of an in-patient psychiatric program, because while I have "acted-out" and done silly things in order to attract attention from people because I am in so much psychological pain, you really need to be psychotic or severely clincially depressed to be admitted to a psychiatric wing and I think that is a general "rule" that would apply across most of the Westernised world, not just Australia!

 

The treatment I did receive at a public hospital was Dialectical Behavio(u)r (depending on US/British spelling) Therapy, devised by US Psychologist Marsha Linehan and based on Cognitive Behavio(u)r Therapy (CBT) and mindfulness training, a part of Buddhistic practice. The DBT program was a structured set of group meetings and work with an individual clincial psychologist.

 

What I am sad about is that yes, I was in the DBT program and still managed to do what has been stated which is to obsess and stalk the guy in a Fatal Attraction manner (well, via email and sms) long after he had blown me off. I have seen Fatal Attraction and I saw it a long time ago, before I started to obsess over men who I could have or who ignored me. It always struck me though, that the movie portrayed Michael Douglas' character in such a sympathetic light and while Glenn Close's character clearly took things too far, no-one gave a kahoot about her, really. I am someone who I think would rather suffer myself rather than someone else or their family, which I why I sent flowers to his wife after I called her and after the police contacted me.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

studies show that DBT has had a tremendous amount of success for bpd patients. He gave you two a chance to meet, it was never more than that. Yet years later, even after he has called the law you're still obsessing. Get some help, for your owb sake.

[aussiegirl66]

AG, if I get your story right, it sounds like he didn't treat you badly persay, he didn't treat you at all - he just ignored you. This is part of the fantasy of what you built up for this non-existant relationship. You were on a sex site - it's not for people looking for relationships, it's for people looking for NSA sex. No more, no less. By looking for more from him, you essentially went to the hardware store for bread. Follow me?

 

 

AG, STOP. STOP thinking about him and his marriage. It doesn't matter that he stayed, why he stays, or why he wants no contact with you. It is simply what it is.

 

 

MistyK, thanks again. I do understand. I did build up a fantasy. But as a man of (self-stated) means, he could afford to pay for sex, if he wanted just NSA sex and not a lover and it was the latter which he stated he wanted and yes, he did say he wanted to be my lover. (Some men are on the sex sites because they do want the type of sex they can get if they pay for it, but they want it for free). I mean, by definition, one has a relationship with a lover, doesn't one? If he wanted NSA sex, surely it would be a heck of a lot easier to pay for it rather than go to the trouble of joining a sex site, posting a profile saying he was looking for more "fun and passion" and then wait patiently for a response. Sure, he could have been lying, he could have realised that he did want a lover, but I was not the lover he was looking for, he could have wanted someone who he thought could "handle it". But frankly, I think HE is the one who could not handle the responsibility involved in having both a lover and a wife and it was easy just to blame me for "destroying everything".

 

 

I know I should stop thinking about him. In the end, perhaps it was just all to hard and he has put the whole idea in the 'too hard basket'. I guess what irks me in the end is that he may have the best of both worlds, i.e., sex with his wife and with another lover he has or will meet somewhere else (assuming he can cope with the demands of this woman and of course, she will be stable enough for him and dare not obsess over him) or sex that he pays for (a helluva lot less hassle and less guilt involved with respect to his feelings for his wife). Perhaps he will find exactly who he is looking for. But it aint gonna be me, nor is it something I ever want to experience again, as I told the therapist this morning.

 

Yes, even I am having an ironic laugh, if one can say that, over this.

 

Perhaps I can help others who post on this board, but I honestly think that one has to go "through" the whole thing first before they can grow from it and that means experiencing the feelings from beginning to end, with all the pain involved.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is it me or was this just a female territory thing? I mean because you couldnt "TAKE" him from his wife you didnt win your prize? was this all a game to you?

 

Why not be a mature adult about things and get help for your problems.

[aussiegirl66]

Is it me or was this just a female territory thing? I mean because you couldnt "TAKE" him from his wife you didnt win your prize? was this all a game to you?

 

Why not be a mature adult about things and get help for your problems.

 

Hi Chrome Barracuda, thanks for your post. I agree in some ways in that I believe, that biologically, we females are "hard-wired" to compete with other females for mates, but that is only instinctual, in a primitive part of our brain.

 

At the heart of the matter, I did not want to hurt either him or his wife and kids and I would not really want either of our marriages to end - I know it would have taken alot of work to get to that point and perhaps it would be completely impossible given my strength of feelings for him at the time. However, I disagree that it was a game to me - I certainly had feelings for him, whether you call it love, lust or a combination I am not sure. I was certainly too painful for me to be a game as evidenced by the pain that it still causes me know. Breaking down in the middle of the street after seeing a therapist today isn't exactly a sign of a game-player, is it?

[MistyK]

MistyK, thanks again. I do understand. I did build up a fantasy. But as a man of (self-stated) means, he could afford to pay for sex, if he wanted just NSA sex and not a lover and it was the latter which he stated he wanted and yes, he did say he wanted to be my lover. (Some men are on the sex sites because they do want the type of sex they can get if they pay for it, but they want it for free). I mean, by definition, one has a relationship with a lover, doesn't one? If he wanted NSA sex, surely it would be a heck of a lot easier to pay for it rather than go to the trouble of joining a sex site, posting a profile saying he was looking for more "fun and passion" and then wait patiently for a response.

 

At least in the US, the word "lover" does not neccessarily imply love. It implies a sexual partner. Just because he could afford a hooker doesn't mean that was a viable option to him - there's many concerns in that area (having to hide the money from his W, diseases, the ego-beating getting a hooker would require, and really - why do it when so many people offer it up for free?) Please try to see it for what it is - all he wanted was sex. I don't care what he said, his actions speak louder than words. But again, no matter what he was looking for, none of that is a reflection on you. You don't need to invent that he was looking for more than NSA sex to feel less rejected.

 

Sure, he could have been lying, he could have realised that he did want a lover, but I was not the lover he was looking for, he could have wanted someone who he thought could "handle it". But frankly, I think HE is the one who could not handle the responsibility involved in having both a lover and a wife and it was easy just to blame me for "destroying everything".

 

Of course he was lying. He is a liar - he signed up for a sex site behind his wife's back. That says it all doesn't it? Again you are making this about you (that you couldn't "handle it"). He wanted a piece of a** on the side and you were hoping for a relationship. You were looking for two completely different things so stop this nonsense about beating yourself for not meeting this guy's expectations.

 

I know I should stop thinking about him. In the end, perhaps it was just all to hard and he has put the whole idea in the 'too hard basket'. I guess what irks me in the end is that he may have the best of both worlds, i.e., sex with his wife and with another lover he has or will meet somewhere else (assuming he can cope with the demands of this woman and of course, she will be stable enough for him and dare not obsess over him) or sex that he pays for (a helluva lot less hassle and less guilt involved with respect to his feelings for his wife). Perhaps he will find exactly who he is looking for. But it aint gonna be me, nor is it something I ever want to experience again, as I told the therapist this morning.

 

 

Again - reality check here. WHO CARES what happens to him? You had nothing, no real relationship to speak of. (You're clearly very attached to the fantasy that never happened, but it's only a mirage and you need to face that). He should be nothing to you. Who cares if he's happily married, who cares if he cheats, and who cares if he's happy. You need to focus on you.

[fooled once]

He said he wanted a lover - which means someone to have sex with --- NOT someone to fall in love with.

 

You built this entire 'relationship' up in your mind. I mean, hello - he didn't even TRY to have sex with you the one time he met you years ago.

 

And you are still obsessed with him, his wife, his kids --- seriously --- I think you need more inpatient help. Doesn't sound like your therapist is doing a great job.

 

You have become a stalker. You continue to email him, sms, text, and WOULD drive by if you knew where to find him. That is sick behavior.

 

He never really wanted you -- I think like Misty said, he could sense it would not just be sex for you and he bolted. But you kept contacting him. He told you NO; he told you to leave him alone. Hell, he called the POLICE to stop you ---- yet you continue.

 

This is more than OCD -- it truly is. There is something 'off' in your brain that is not letting you understand -- he was never your MM, he was NEVER in a relationship with you, he doesn't want to hear from you and he probably regrets the day he ever first responded to you on a sex site.

 

It isn't "mean" of him to not respond to you --- it is normal. He has his own life, that doesn't include you.

 

Leave him alone. Stop emailing him, stop calling him. He wants NOTHING - NOTHING - to do with you. Leave him in peace.

 

And please -- try to get yourself more help. Does your H know you continue to try to talk to this guy?

[whichwayisup]

Breaking down in the middle of the street after seeing a therapist today isn't exactly a sign of a game-player, is it?

 

Maybe not a game player, but ego driven and throw in your obsessed thoughts and other issues.

 

If you need to be in the hospital, go. Be safe and get well.. You have to get help so you can leave this guy, his wife and kids alone. Fix you, then work on your marriage. FORGET the MM - He has given you warnings and also in actions that he wants nothing to do with you. Accept it, talk about it in therapy and try your best to let go.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This is more than OCD -- it truly is.

 

OCD paired with BPD.

 

AG,

 

You intimated that this had happened before. Your husband calls these men you become obsessed with spleen-faces. What does that mean, exactly? The truth is that you will never EVER have a normal relationship until you get this under control. This isn't about ANY man, this is only about you. Why does it not make you so sad that your H puts up with this like you were a delenquent child that he doesn't have the guts to kick out.

 

Give the DBT a fair shot, and change therapists because if this man in anyway allowed you to believe that the man you met has done YOU any harm then he is failing miserably at reality orientation. You need tough love, and you need someone who is going to seriously work a program with you. Also, in my OWN opinion, I think group settings for BPD, are completely a waste. Ask your H for help finding the "best" clinic to fit your needs. You'll never be in any R that doesn't exist soley in your own head unless you get yourself straightened out.

[MSUE]

IfWishesWereHorses, O.K. You are right....though your statement implies that for me it wasn't intense..it was quite intense over the ensuing months when we chatted online. The reason I sent flowers, as a form of apology and which poster MSUE ? considers very freaky/unstable behaviour is because I called his wife to tell him about how I met him on the net and then I realised how his wife must have felt about this revelation. The second time was because I had a call from the police about the text/voice mail I sent him and perhaps wanted to apologise to them both, so I sent them another time (the policeman did on my behalf, actually). Hope that makes sense.

 

 

maybe it makes sense to you...but can you imagine if you were them? do you think if I was his wife I'd be happy to get flowers...no way...I'd be happy if you just went away already...flowers to make up for your actions? it doesn't work that way...I'd be like WTF you were ordered by police to stay away to begin with!!! I don't care who delivered them... I'm sorry some of the responses are harsh and are making you cry...but I don't think you'll find much nurturing here because of your actions...fatal attraction indeed...I'm sure if you were all there mentally you wouldn't have done all this...which is why I'm happy to hear that you are getting help...someone asked about your diagnosis and you responded I'm not sure...first off by law you need to be informed of it in order to prescribe...they don't just throw pills at you...although some doctors go by their own rules...either you truly don't know or you feel embarrassed to share it w us...which is fine too..

 

its good that your husband knows....because you need someone to keep a close eye on you while you "fix" yourself and reach a stable point in life...its a great advantage to you that he is a lawyer...not sure if he is representing you or if family members are allowed to do so where you live...but it certainly does help...as far as information goes...and how to go about it...

 

without wanting to intentionally do this...you affected so many lives in a very negative way...you caused damage and ultimately you are the biggest loser in the situation...all because of a couple hours a kiss on the forehead and some chatting??? technically there was no A...but in your head there was...

 

and I don't mean to come across as a biatch I'm being as real as it gets...btw did you check a link I posted way earlier on this thread about my friend who is exhibiting similar behaviour? I think if you haven't you should check it out...as it'll give you some perspective

[MSUE]

AG

 

you and only you created this fantasy...

sex site = a good fuc*

 

lover= a non strings attached strictly sexual partner

 

kiss on the forehead= he felt bad you lost your purse...you were freaking out...guy is smart figured it would calm you down and maybe finally get to what he was there for...nothing else other than a fuc*

 

He smelled trouble a mile away...repeatedly asked you to stop= means no interest whatsoever...

 

its not an A...its only an A in your head

 

this is the reality!!!!

 

there were no false hopes given by him...you created those as well...

 

when you are told to stay away...you stay away...you are not wanted and thats that...but yet you found another way...sending flowers...sure to make it look a lil better but in the back of your head you were expecting a call saying thank you...just to hear his voice for a few seconds so you would have more fuel to add to your fantasy

 

a restraining order is not something to mess around with...it is taking very seriously...I don't know the laws where you live but here if you have an order and the other party sends just one lil txt...you pretty much go to jail!!!!

 

then again sorry to be a bit rough...but reality is a bit rough too and you need to face it in order to get yourself together and move forward

[MSUE]

ok just saw the ocd part...regardless of doesn't change not one bit on my 2 earlier consecutive posts

[bubblegum]

This thread is very painful. I feel for all the pain you've been in regarding this man and his wife, as well as the pain you must've suffered most of your life.

 

IfWishes said that you're therapist did you a disservice by supporting a notion that this man has harmed you somehow, well I don't think one session with a new therapist is going to let you know if he's useful or not. Remember, IfWishes, Aussiegirl has trouble deciphering reality from her somewhat delusional thought processes - it sounds to me like the therapist offered her a viable explanation for why a man might cut off all ties with her - and Aussiegirl might very well interpret that as support that the man "wronged" her - because that's what she wants to believe. No therapist can force her to change her deep-rooted sckewed views of reality right away. I think you should continue with this therapist before bailing on him, aussie. If he's any good, he'll direct you to the most appropriate types of therapy for you, given your psychological problems.

 

We can see how deep-rooted Aussie's view of reality is by her focus on how she knows she has psychological problems, yet she can not see that she has entirely misinterpreted her "relationship" with this man and his wife, her jealousy over another woman's pregnancy, her understanding of how NSA sex works and what it means, her continual defense of why she sent flowers, and her apparent lack of regard for how this makes her husband feel and how it affects her already troubled marriage, and very importantly, the danger she has put herself and others in. She might say she sees it, but she really doesn't.

 

Breaking down after your therapy session yesterday aussie, indicates just how raw this thing is for you, and how vulnerable you made yourself by talking about this. I commend you for examining these troubles, and I thank you for writing about them here because we are hearing directly from a disturbed woman who most likely has a personality disorder that many posters throw around when talking about their exes... here is the real thing. Perhaps we ALL can learn from Aussiegirl.

 

I would like to know, as other posters have suggested, what you think this man meant by his use of the word "lovers?"

[aussiegirl66]

At least in the US, the word "lover" does not neccessarily imply love. It implies a sexual partner. Just because he could afford a hooker doesn't mean that was a viable option to him - there's many concerns in that area (having to hide the money from his W, diseases, the ego-beating getting a hooker would require, and really - why do it when so many people offer it up for free?) Please try to see it for what it is - all he wanted was sex. I don't care what he said, his actions speak louder than words. But again, no matter what he was looking for, none of that is a reflection on you. You don't need to invent that he was looking for more than NSA sex to feel less rejected.

 

 

 

Of course he was lying. He is a liar - he signed up for a sex site behind his wife's back. That says it all doesn't it? Again you are making this about you (that you couldn't "handle it"). He wanted a piece of a** on the side and you were hoping for a relationship. You were looking for two completely different things so stop this nonsense about beating yourself for not meeting this guy's expectations.

 

 

 

Again - reality check here. WHO CARES what happens to him? You had nothing, no real relationship to speak of. (You're clearly very attached to the fantasy that never happened, but it's only a mirage and you need to face that). He should be nothing to you. Who cares if he's happily married, who cares if he cheats, and who cares if he's happy. You need to focus on you.

 

MistyK, thanks again, you are one of the most gentle and sympathetic posters in your reply, which I appreciate, as reading some of the responses is really a bit hard to take. (I can't sleep and I thought my post replies had died out, but I logged on to find it is still alive - guess there is a huge time zone difference!) My definition of a "lover" is perhaps antiquated as well as antipodean (lol) but I am stating what he wanted from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Yes, you are correct, actions DO speak louder than words and I do appear to be attached to the fantasy that never happened. But he has well and truly destroyed that now (I hope, fingers crossed). Thank you for your gentleness, again.

[Untouchable_Fire]

MistyK, thanks again, you are one of the most gentle and sympathetic posters in your reply, which I appreciate, as reading some of the responses is really a bit hard to take. (I can't sleep and I thought my post replies had died out, but I logged on to find it is still alive - guess there is a huge time zone difference!) My definition of a "lover" is perhaps antiquated as well as antipodean (lol) but I am stating what he wanted from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Yes, you are correct, actions DO speak louder than words and I do appear to be attached to the fantasy that never happened. But he has well and truly destroyed that now (I hope, fingers crossed). Thank you for your gentleness, again.

 

Your issues run very deep. I'm glad to hear your in therapy.

 

Why do you think you obsess and over analyze?