We were both married... I told his wife and it ended really, really badly!

[bentnotbroken]

What I want to know is if this guy was a trained therapist. If this guy isn't one, how was he supposed to know that OP was vulnerable to anything. Is he a mind reader, a psychic or does he own a crystal ball? OP you are holding him to a standard that there was no way in hell he could have fulfilled. How is he supposed to know what your weakest point is in only a couple of hours?

[Owl]

Owl, yes I understand that response. But no, I have felt for both my husband, the OM, the the OM'S wife and kids (why else would I have bothered sending the flowers - twice?). As for being Narcissistic and having NPD, I sincerely doubt it you have hit the nail on the head, sorry.

 

Well, your thread has said nothing about how you're making your husband feel by continuing to pursue other men. You've mentioned he doesn't like it...but it also doesn't appear to matter enough to you to have done anything to truly stop/prevent it from happening. On the contrary...you're STILL seeking ways to get OM/MM to resume some kind of relationship with you.

 

As far as the flowers to his wife/kids...well, sending those while still begging to resume any kind of relationship with him rather smacks of a huge insincerity gap to me.

 

You can't truly be sorry for what you've done if you're fighting constantly to resume it, can you?

 

I don't need this levelled at me in addition to everything else. I think if you read DSM(IV) or whatever the latest update is, then you may see what I mean. However, that is how you view things about me, and while it greatly upsets me to read this, I will leave you to your opinion. Thank you.

 

I don't claim to be a practicing psychiatrist...all I can do is note how traits that you display by your behaviors as indicated in your posts appear to me.

 

I read very, very little in your entire thread about the emotional devestation that your H, your family have suffered as a result of your choice to go on 'adult' sites and hook up with other men.

 

All I've seen is you consistently demonstrate anger at OM/MM for breaking it off with you, and some self-acknowledge stalking. Again...focus on YOU and YOUR WANTS over anyone else's needs. What would YOU call this?

[Dexter Morgan]

But I have to live with the consequences of not only what I have done to his wife, but that I have made him suffer stress due to repeated contact he doesn't want and that I know have to live with myself knowing there is a person out there who hates my guts

 

who gives a s##t if he hates your guts. get over it.

 

you both cheated on your spouses, neither one of you can claim a high road here.

 

 

 

(Please don't analyse my marriage, either. I am not leaving him and looking for someone else as I have my reasons for loving my husband deeply, too).

 

ya, of course you want to tell his wife, but don't have the guts to tell your husband(unless I missed it in your post that you did).

 

You love your husband deeply? tell us another good one. How do you love your husband deeply, then go off and f##k another guy and become obsessed with him?? Sorry, you got a fekd up notion of what love is lady.

 

Of course you won't leave your husband. That would be the right thing to do by him and let him be free to find someone who doesn't troll sex sites for strange penis. So I guess your husband, knowing or not, will just be held hostage to a woman that can't get over another man and that wants a little strange now and then.

 

I feel for so many of the people out there that have to put up with spouses like you.

 

So, now that is all out there and having said all that, the right thing to do is divorce your husband. He deserves better. And you denying him better isn't love, let alone because of the cheating part.

[Dexter Morgan]

Aussie girl, when I read this all I can think is that this man probably won't be meeting anyone off of the internet! You really probably did his wife a great service, so I wouldn't be feeling guilty.

 

so she felt his wife deserved to know....so doesn't now her own husband deserve to know exactly what kind of woman he is married to?

 

She'd be doing her husband a great service by telling him and then filing for divorce.

[bubblegum]

She did tell him Dex, and he knows she's done this kind of thing before...

[Dexter Morgan]

She did tell him Dex, and he knows she's done this kind of thing before...

 

then he has his own problems to work through.

 

and she will keep doing this to him as long as he allows it.

 

He needs to put her on the street.

[NoIDidn't]

then he has his own problems to work through.

 

and she will keep doing this to him as long as he allows it.

 

He needs to put her on the street.

 

Dex, she's likely BPD and her H is likely a nonBPD. Google it. Its a *special* relationship where they tend to feed off of each other.

 

In fact, with posters here berating her, and her saying that she was almost looking for that, I would suspect that this is what her H does to her to get her "back in line" in a sense.

 

And no, its not healthy....for either of them.

[aussiegirl66]

I find this very interesting. Assuming he knows the full story (including the sex site business), what does he think about all this?

Gorilla Theater - I have responded to what my H thinks about all this in posts above, I think. Thanks.

[aussiegirl66]

We have several therapists in this forum that would have better information than I have. Kismet, dobler, and DevilInside come to mind right away, but there are others as well.

 

She's told us about the OCD, and I think the others are correct that there is more going on than just OCD. Aussie didn't seem to argue with someone that mentioned BPD. And I agree with that.

 

BPD comes across very much like NPD. The symptoms or diagnostic criteria is very similar. But NPDs don't obsess like this. They don't have that adverse reaction to rejection that she has. People with BPD obsess because of the rejection.

 

I wish one of our resident therapists were here to at least talk her into stepping away from the computer. None of this is helpful to her.

 

 

NoIDidn't...thanks...No, it was me who said I had BPD together with the OCD as I was asked what my diagnosis is and I said I had both. It wasn't a poster that mentioned it.

 

I really can't cope with some of what is being said here. Yes, you can all say it was a fantasy I concocted and he was being a bit of a bad boy to his wife, but who ultimately did nothing to me, but if that was the case, then I wouldn't feel anything. The fact is, I feel intense and enormous pain, I don't know who to talk to about it right now and I can't concentrate on my studies or anything else. I hope some of you are happy with the entertainment value you have obtained from reading my story and it is really pathetic. The other point I will make again is that we live in a civilised society (or so I thought) so no matter the fact that he wanted to get rid of me from his life, he could have gone about it in a more decent matter. But no, you posters are going to say that what he did was perfectly justified and proper of course, because you can only see it from his point of view. How sad.

 

If your objective has been to sympathise with this other MM and support him and his case for how he dealt with me, well congratulations - all you posters, like him have won and succeeded and it doesn't matter what I do now, I am eternally damaged by what happened. Thanks very much.

[aussiegirl66]

What I want to know is if this guy was a trained therapist. If this guy isn't one, how was he supposed to know that OP was vulnerable to anything. Is he a mind reader, a psychic or does he own a crystal ball? OP you are holding him to a standard that there was no way in hell he could have fulfilled. How is he supposed to know what your weakest point is in only a couple of hours?

 

bentnotbroken, I do NOT understand what you are asking. Are you asking if my therapist was supposed to know about my vulnerability or this guy. If you mean this guy, when I am in my psychiatrists office and pleading for him to talk to me, or at least respond to my sms' and he just ignores me and the last message he ever sends me is "look after yourself" and he never responds again, not while I wait patiently for several, severall months for some reply, we that is not how I would treat a woman who was in distress.

[NoIDidn't]

Aussie

 

Please step away from the computer.

 

If this is as painful as you say it is, reliving it here isn't helping.

 

There are trained counsellors on hotlines that you can talk to instead of untrained strangers on the internet.

 

Please call one of those hotlines instead of looking to argue your point here.

[aussiegirl66]

What's interesting is how you keep talking about what HE did to you. How HE gutted you, how HE devastated you, etc.

 

But this all existed ONLY in your head, hon. It was a self-created fantasy and nothing more.

 

I don't doubt you suffered greatly over this, but it's important to realize he did NOTHING to contribute to it. He met you once, didn't want to see you again, and never led you on in ANY way. You NEVER had anything with him beyond meeting for ONE drink years ago.

 

All of this was created by you, for you, and everything that happened after the ONE meeting, was all because of you.

 

You are very self-aware in many ways, yet I fear you won't get the help you truly need, and will continue to perpetuate this cycle with another man, and who knows the results of that encounter.

 

Please, for your own sake, and that of other potential men you meet and engage, seek additional therapy, and do consider an in-patient stay. Nothing wrong with it, like you said. I just think you need a more concentrated and focused treatment than you are getting presently.

 

Jilly Bean, I am sorry, but he DID lead me on and there was more contact in the form of internet conversations and sms beyond that one night that we met. Please understand this - I am not making it up. We chatted when we could. At one stage we kind of 'broke up' by email, but then we appeared to have patched things up again. Or so I thought. Later that evening, he said by text that I should email me when I 'got back' from my DBT therapy as I explained I was going to try not to contact him during this time which was suggested to me by my therapist. I could not do this, unfortunately. He sent me a sms message saying 'look after yourself' and while the psychiatrist (whose office I was in at the time) said that that was his way of saying goodbye I couldn't see it - it was not a clear 'goodbye forever I am done with you' type message.

 

It was my fault for not seeing this and accepting this at the time which led to me having hope about him responding one day to my sms' and emails. He could have just said and responded once by email something polite like: "Sorry but I have thought about you and I am not interested in having any further contact with you - all the best". Be he did not.

 

I can't see the point of an in-patient stay and I think I have made it clear in a previous post that I do not fit the criteria in terms of mental illness for being admitted to hospital. I am quite depressed over his actions and lack thereof and the pain that he did not even care he was inflicting on me.

 

I thank you for your concern, but you have no idea of what you are talking about in terms of the spectrum of mental illness and qualification for admission, Jilly Bean.

 

This will never happen to me again for several reasons. I am done with meeting men from the net. This man has destroyed me forever, which while was not his intended outcome, it is the unfortunate consequence of his actions. I will never meet another man like him again. He can't be replaced with somebody else. Just like my husband can't either.

[aussiegirl66]

Aussie

 

Please step away from the computer.

 

If this is as painful as you say it is, reliving it here isn't helping.

 

There are trained counsellors on hotlines that you can talk to instead of untrained strangers on the internet.

 

Please call one of those hotlines instead of looking to argue your point here.

 

NoIdidn't - reading these replies is disturbing me. It is not the nasty ones which say that my husband should put me out on the street, like DexterMorgan's, but the ones that imply that these man's actions were entirely justified and proper, which paints him in a sympathetic light that I can't deal with.

 

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

Surely, there are "nicer" ways of getting rid of people besides ignoring them forever, given that there has been some emotional connection between the two of you. I realise he had to protect himself and that the best way of preserving his ego and pride was to do this even more so after his wife found out about his internet activity due to me, but still I am a human being and I thought that being one meant I deserved to be treated like one. Clearly I was really delusional about this point.

 

I can't deal with this now, but I do feel alot gratitude for most the posts though and the brutal nature of some of the responses have shocked me enough again so that I will never, ever even contemplate contacting him again, but I do feel that posters who have gone to the trouble of posting about my problem need and would like to be acknowledged, replied to and thanked, no matter how hard it is for me to do so.

So I keep coming here.

 

I don't like talking to strangers on hotlines and I spoke to Lifeline twice when I got the letter from my mobile phone provider concerning my text messages to him. It helps only temporarily. However, I thank you for your suggestion and deal with it as you suggest for now. Thank you for your prompt reply.

[aussiegirl66]

[quote.

 

It was very recent that the police contacted you and the phone company, etc -

 

Sorry, bubblegum...thanks for what you said but you are wrong. The police did not contact me recently. I had a recent encounter with an off-duty policewoman who asked me to get off the side of the street, but I have not been contacted by the police in regard to him, or anyone else, since February 2008. Thanks for your well wishes, they were very nicely put.

[bubblegum]

Ahh, sorry for my confusion.

[Jilly Bean]

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

Honestly? If I met someone once, despite what other communication happened pre or post, and he stopped contacting me, I'd move on. It wouldn't leave me angry and depressed. Annoyed for a day, rejected, slight ego bruise - sure, but not in the way it's affected you.

 

See, this is the problem, Aussie. The way you processed all of this was extreme. Again, I am NOT discounting your pain, nor invalidating it, but your reaction was way over the top, and not befitting of the situation. It's like a judge sentencing someone to the death penalty who parked in a tow zone. Yes, the driver was at fault, but the punishment would be beyond excessive.

 

I'm not a therapist, nor do I play one on TV, so I can't comment on how your OCD may affect how you obsess and process relationships. I know you regret how things went down, which is a good thing, but I'm still concerned that you see fit to blame him. Remember - the only thing we can control, is how we react and behave. Should he have called to say no thanks? I suppose. But most people don't go out of their way to reject people, and assume that NC sends the message sufficiently, particularly with limited contact to begin with.

 

What was the letter from your mobile company about? Did he complain about the text harrassment? Sorry if that was explained elsewhere.

[bentnotbroken]

bentnotbroken, I do NOT understand what you are asking. Are you asking if my therapist was supposed to know about my vulnerability or this guy. If you mean this guy, when I am in my psychiatrists office and pleading for him to talk to me, or at least respond to my sms' and he just ignores me and the last message he ever sends me is "look after yourself" and he never responds again, not while I wait patiently for several, severall months for some reply, we that is not how I would treat a woman who was in distress.

 

 

The MM you are blaming everything on isn't a trained therapist. How could he possibly know what your mental health issues were. NID is right, you need to stay away from this site and the computer in general and get yourself together. You are feeding into your issues by being here.

[Dexter Morgan]

But no, you posters are going to say that what he did was perfectly justified and proper of course, because you can only see it from his point of view. How sad.

 

If your objective has been to sympathise with this other MM and support him and his case for how he dealt with me, well congratulations - all you posters, like him have won and succeeded and it doesn't matter what I do now, I am eternally damaged by what happened. Thanks very much.

 

I never said what he did was justified. I in NO WAY sympathize with the MM. The only victims here are HIS WIFE, and YOUR HUSBAND.

 

THAT is who I sympathize with.

[Dexter Morgan]

Jilly Bean, I am sorry, but he DID lead me on

 

oh just stop...stop it right now. You are married, NOTHING any man could have done should have led you to cheat on your husband.

 

You are MARRIED. What part of that don't you understand?? Nobody is going to feel sorry for a married person that cheats and tries to turn themselves into the victim.

 

And yes, the MM is a downright son of a b!tch for cheating on his wife. But whether or not he led you on isn't our concern, nor should it be the concern of his wife and your husband.

 

You and he cheated on your spouses. End of story and thats all that is relevant.

 

Maybe if you were single AND he lied to you and said he wasn't married, this would be a MUCH different situation. But you are married. you cheated on your husband. maybe rather than playine "woe is me" and feeling sorry for yourself, try having sympathy for your husband. He is the one that was really treated like sh#t in all of this (along with MM's wife)

[Dexter Morgan]

NoIdidn't - reading these replies is disturbing me. It is not the nasty ones which say that my husband should put me out on the street, like DexterMorgan's, but the ones that imply that these man's actions were entirely justified and proper, which paints him in a sympathetic light that I can't deal with.

 

nobody is saying that his cheating on his wife with you is justified and proper....but his reaction to your stalking when the affair was over IS justified. Nothing justifies his actions towards you or your wife. And NOTHING justifies your betrayal and cheating of your husband.

 

But nobody cares if he led you on. You cheated on your husband. You shouldn't have been available to him TO be led on.

 

And there is nothing nasty about saying your H should put you on the street. That IS what he should do. He should divorce you. But he isn't strong enough to do that. So he will have to suffer and accept that he is married to a cheater.

 

 

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

you just don't get it do you? YOU ARE MARRIED!!!!!!! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!!!

[whichwayisup]

How would some of you women like it if a man you were expecting to hear after diligent "No Contact" on my part for many months (yes, many months when I did not email or sms him), as you people put it, never responded to you. I bet it would leave you really angry and depressed.

 

And it seems you fail to understand is, that he is obligated to his wife and together they decided NC was the best way to go. He didn't want to upset his wife, and in his mind she is more important, so NC had to be in place. Especially if he wants to save his marriage, he is going to do whatever is necessary, and that meant NC with you, so be it.

 

If your husband had asked you, go in NC mode with MM, wouldn't you want to respect your husband's wishes?

[fooled once]

Aussie,

 

Seriously - after all your attempts to reach him, you expected him to send you a message, when he could probably very easily tell you were WAYYYYY more into him than he ever was into you, you expected him to send you an email saying goodbye?

 

Didn't he send you that message by IGNORING YOU? You didn't get it then, why would you get it if he had done it nicer?

 

Did you not get it when he had the police tell you to leave him alone? No, you didn't because you sent flowers and kept sending emails and sms. You aren't getting it - and it has been over a year and you still aren't getting it.

 

I don't understand why you aren't qualified for inpatient care?

[bubblegum]

I don't understand why you aren't qualified for inpatient care?

 

Because fooled once, she isn't psychotic or suicidal. She has stated that she has borderline personality disorder and OCD. Having personality issues that lead you to great interpersonal difficulties don't qualify you for inpatient hospitalization. She explained this herself.

 

Repeatedly raising the issue of inpatient care obviously pushes her buttons, so why do it? Especially when she's already addressed it. Let it go!

 

Borderlines, when feeling victimized, invalidated and annihilated (as she's stated she feels) either love you or hate you, and quickly turn their hatred into self-loathing, and then become suicidal. We are seeing here that she is spiraling down. She's said as much in her most recent posts.

[MistyK]

Dex,

It is time to lay off here. You're trying to talk to her like she's a sane person who is just being selfish. She's got serious mental health issues and I'm growing concerned about her safety in light of her reactions to the posts.

[tinktronik]

Dex,

It is time to lay off here. You're trying to talk to her like she's a sane person who is just being selfish. She's got serious mental health issues and I'm growing concerned about her safety in light of her reactions to the posts.

 

I do empathize with the OP's internal pain. I would imagine it is very difficult to have an internal existence with the OP's beliefs.

 

However, we are not mental health experts. Nor are we here to give mental health advice. The OP needs to seek out her mental health help, her therapist or a more drastic or intensive care experience. This is not the place for this type of advice. Nor IMO is it the responders responsibility to be aware of cater to any mental health issues the OP may have.

 

Dex's advice is sane.