SPACE INVADER!!

[Liza]

Please offer me your best advice:

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 mo. now and I love him. Recently, his 25 yr old sister arrived from his country. She's staying for a year or longer! I've never met her, but she hates me cause I'm American and she doesn't want her brother to go against Islam. My bf is 21 and his sister completely dominates him! We talked about getting an apartment together, but now she's living with him! She refuses to drive and would rather my bf take her everywhere! We discussed this and he promised me she would not come between us or interfere with us, but she already has!!! It's almost been a week and he calls at odd times of the day when I'm not home or sleeping (early or late), never pages me anymore....nothing!! I went from seeing him everyday and talking to him at least five times a day to not hearing a word from him. I'm not asking him to choose between me and her, but either let me go or tell her we are in love and she must deal with it! She already knows about us and the thing that gets me is that his mom accepts me!! What should I do? Wait and be patient for a year, knowing I have a bf, but never see him? Or end it? Or just "be friends?" When I call him, he's all whispering and acting like I'm calling at a bad time!!! Help!!!

[Tony T]

This happen happens often with people from other cultures.

 

Right now, his sister is insecure because the only person she knows well is her brother. Because of marked cultural differences, she may not be motivated to make other friends, unless they are from her country. Seek out organizations, university groups, etc., that have people from her land and see if your boyfriend can get her involved with them.

 

She doesn't like you because right now she needs her brother for security. She sounds very selfish, immature, and without much understanding but what can you do? She is also finatic about this Islam religion. Her culture probably is very strict about members marrying outside the religion. But I don't think that's the real issue here, just a smaller part of it. Do you want a guy whose culture is intolerate of other religions and ways of life?

 

Even in this country, often Jewish parents threaten to disinherit children who even think about marrying someone outside the Jewish faith.

 

Blood is thicker than water so until time, the amount of which is yet undetermined, resolves this situation, you are basically without a boyfriend. If he won't take your calls, send him a letter and let him know you understand that for a short time he must tend to his sister's needs. However, his neglect of you beyond a reasonable time is not acceptable and you will move on soon to free him completely to entertain his sister and meet her needs.

 

Also understand that all the while they are together, she is probably working on his head about this religious thing and his need to find an Islamic chick.

 

You have no other choices but to have a litle patience or move on. If you force him to decide between you and his sister, his sister will win. People from other countries have extremely strong family bonds and adhere strongly to cultural mandates. This is something you didn't bargain for or anticipate.

 

Let this be a warning that a continued relationship with this man will, from time to time, uncover other cultural situations that may be unpalatable. When you start dating guys from other countries, learn their culture in detail. While American culture is highly diversified and open, many around the world are highly inflexible.

 

If I were a psychic, I'd say your relationship is over. The amount of time you want to give this to normalize is up to you but I don't think things will ever get completely back to the way they were until sis leaves the country.

 

I hope this has helped in some way. I know the feeling of going from one level of a relationship to being persona non grata and it doesn't feel good at all. My vote is to find a guy that will appreciate you and not have a greater desire to be with his sister.

[magicklady]

I totally agree with Tony on this one.. it is time to move on you don't want to put yourself in a situation where the man becomes a wimp and lets his Sister dictate his life.. what if she moves over here... what then? It is time to move on...

This happen happens often with people from other cultures. Right now, his sister is insecure because the only person she knows well is her brother. Because of marked cultural differences, she may not be motivated to make other friends, unless they are from her country. Seek out organizations, university groups, etc., that have people from her land and see if your boyfriend can get her involved with them. She doesn't like you because right now she needs her brother for security. She sounds very selfish, immature, and without much understanding but what can you do? She is also finatic about this Islam religion. Her culture probably is very strict about members marrying outside the religion. But I don't think that's the real issue here, just a smaller part of it. Do you want a guy whose culture is intolerate of other religions and ways of life? Even in this country, often Jewish parents threaten to disinherit children who even think about marrying someone outside the Jewish faith.

 

Blood is thicker than water so until time, the amount of which is yet undetermined, resolves this situation, you are basically without a boyfriend. If he won't take your calls, send him a letter and let him know you understand that for a short time he must tend to his sister's needs. However, his neglect of you beyond a reasonable time is not acceptable and you will move on soon to free him completely to entertain his sister and meet her needs. Also understand that all the while they are together, she is probably working on his head about this religious thing and his need to find an Islamic chick. You have no other choices but to have a litle patience or move on. If you force him to decide between you and his sister, his sister will win. People from other countries have extremely strong family bonds and adhere strongly to cultural mandates. This is something you didn't bargain for or anticipate.

 

Let this be a warning that a continued relationship with this man will, from time to time, uncover other cultural situations that may be unpalatable. When you start dating guys from other countries, learn their culture in detail. While American culture is highly diversified and open, many around the world are highly inflexible. If I were a psychic, I'd say your relationship is over. The amount of time you want to give this to normalize is up to you but I don't think things will ever get completely back to the way they were until sis leaves the country. I hope this has helped in some way. I know the feeling of going from one level of a relationship to being persona non grata and it doesn't feel good at all. My vote is to find a guy that will appreciate you and not have a greater desire to be with his sister.

[billy the kid]

Liza , this is all a game. I have been around the world and there is no country where you can find that men and women, family and friends, brother and sister, mother and father don't play head games.. so it's not where he is from or what faith he has it is just that he is human. So the question is do you want to play the game, and the bigger question is can you play better than him???

Please offer me your best advice: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 mo. now and I love him. Recently, his 25 yr old sister arrived from his country. She's staying for a year or longer! I've never met her, but she hates me cause I'm American and she doesn't want her brother to go against Islam. My bf is 21 and his sister completely dominates him! We talked about getting an apartment together, but now she's living with him! She refuses to drive and would rather my bf take her everywhere! We discussed this and he promised me she would not come between us or interfere with us, but she already has!!! It's almost been a week and he calls at odd times of the day when I'm not home or sleeping (early or late), never pages me anymore....nothing!! I went from seeing him everyday and talking to him at least five times a day to not hearing a word from him. I'm not asking him to choose between me and her, but either let me go or tell her we are in love and she must deal with it! She already knows about us and the thing that gets me is that his mom accepts me!! What should I do? Wait and be patient for a year, knowing I have a bf, but never see him? Or end it? Or just "be friends?" When I call him, he's all whispering and acting like I'm calling at a bad time!!! Help!!!