What do you guys think?

[fatamus]

I don’t usually post on forums like this but I wanted to get a completely unbiased opinion on my situation.

 

I have been with a girl I loved with all my heart for 4 years. We met when we were both young (late teens) so naturally there was a lot of drama over the time, typical immature stuff. When we were good it was amazing, but we would both cause fights and get mad at one another and it wasn’t healthy. I had some personal issues which caused a lot of stress and that was mainly my problem. We have been through a lot together, and in general were a very happy couple when we weren’t fighting. I loved this girl to death and wanted to work it out and have a real future with her. We were each others first “real” love so I have always heard that the drama is natural when so much passion exists and should get better as we mature.

 

Some time ago we broke up, at first it seemed like it was a needed break, and it was semi-mutual. I had a very strong suspicion that she might be cheating on me, and I became a wreck because that was the last thing I expected from her, she was always the one who was worried about me cheating, but I never even had the urge. Our breakup was extremely painful and bad. I have found out that she has been talking to another guy behind my back before we have broken up. She denied everything, I confronted him and he denied everything also. They were both lying, but its 100% confirmed now. She still claims that it was just a friendly relationship and she hid it because she didn’t want to hurt me. As bad as the breakup was, this was much much worse I felt so betrayed. It was extremely hard to let her go, because I am the type of person who doesn’t give up on a good thing, I would rather give it my all then just give up. She is the complete opposite, she gives up on a lot of things in life and kind of jumps from one thing to another, anything that gets tough she gives up on thinking she cant do it, its too hard, etc… just constants excuses.

 

I got my life back in perfect order after the breakup, and lead a happy life, but I missed her a lot and dated a bunch of other people but nothing serious ever happened. I felt like I have matured myself and dealt with all of my issues, I swore never to repeat the same mistakes in a relationship, and I guess that’s part of growing up. It’s been almost a year, and we saw each other again. It was very obvious we both still have feelings for one another, and we started talking just a little bit. At first she told me she is not dating anyone seriously, then I found out she is pretty much in a serious relationship with the same guy she was talking behind my back with when we broke up. She has a serious lying problem, she lies about a lot of little things and its bee very hard to trust her, I catch her in lies all the time, I mean daily. I still wanted to make it work, so I kept turning the other cheek. I had hope that I could make an honest woman out of her.

 

Understand that I was no saint myself, I am an overly aggressive type, so there was some emotional abuse on my part and I am a much cooler calmer person now. For about a week she kept acting hot-cold towards me, we talked about getting back together and she admitted to dating the other guy but she maintains that she never did anything wrong. She says she just talked behind my back with him when we were dating and they only got together after we broke up (like right after). I am no idiot; I knew it all along but still had hope. She is insecure, and needs constant attention and she played right into this guy’s role, as long as you are telling her what she wants to hear everything is great. I don’t like lies and BS so I tend to critique things a bit.

 

So now she kept trying to chose who she wants to go with, and told me she is going to break it off with him and she hates being alone and that’s why she was dating him in the first place. That’s extremely hurtful but understandable. Now, what attracted her to this guy in the first place is he is a nice guy, very timid type. I confronted him about the whole situation and he is pretty much a coward, he is too afraid to even answer his phone and wont stand up for her. It kills me inside because I know that these types of people don’t last in the world, the first hint of danger and he hides. I went to see her and he ended up being at her place, sure enough he didn’t even have the courage to come to the door, he just hid and avoided confrontation. I was at her place the night before and I guess she kept that from him. Sure enough she never did break up with him and I felt like I was getting played again so I finally got him on the phone and went a bit overboard. Obviously that didn’t make her happy, and she became extremely mean to me, and the lies and drama began once again. She is back with him, again because she is lonely and she has hurt me for the second time in the row now.

 

I know that I deserve better, but what do you guys think of this whole situation? Was it so wrong of me to try to work it out? I did truly love her and wanted both of us to work it out; we were perfect together before the drama started.

[fawn]

You have every right to be enraged! She misleads you, you can bet on that. You had the right to try to speak with the other man because it was not fair to him or to you. If she lied before you can bet she was hiding other lies from both of you. If she is dating another man now and he won’t answer the door you are correct he doesn’t sound much like a man. As a girl I can’t be with a guy who can’t take care of things that a guy should do. If she is weak she constantly needs someone to be with, as hard is this might be for you to hear she could care less right now because she is getting someone else’s attention and if he is playing the nice guy role you have already lost. She is not thinking about what she wants in a guy she just wants someone to be nice all the time at this present moment to comfort her. Let her find out on her own, she will regret this down the road.

[fatamus]

Only one person wants to share their thoughts? I am looking for an outside opinion here guys thats why i asked. Thanks.

[Broseph]

It dosnt sound like from your description that you totally trust her, this might always linger in the back of your mind. This might always have an obstacle, what if you guys have a small fight and she texts this nerd guy you so speak of. That will cause some major drama. It definetely sounds like she has some things to figure out before she can give anyone her heart and there is nothing you can do about that.

 

There is two key things that I read hear that would say that maybe the time has come to cut your loses, trust me I know how crap that sounds cause im one of those give it my all kinda guys too.

 

1. She has a serious lying problem, she lies about a lot of little things and its bee very hard to trust her, I catch her in lies all the time, I mean daily

 

2. She is back with him, again because she is lonely and she has hurt me for the second time in the row now.

 

In the words of Mr GW Bush 'There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

[GrayClouds]

she hates being alone and that’s why she was dating him in the first place. That’s extremely hurtful but understandable.

 

Understandable????????????????????????????????

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

She using some poor guy becouse she doesn't like the discomfort of being alone?

 

How selfish and low self esteem does one have to be to rationalize behavior like that?

 

Why would you want to be with her, never knowing if she loves you or just hates being alone?

 

She used you, she using him and she will use the next guy, if your smart you will not be him.

[fatamus]

That’s what everyone else keeps telling me but it wasn’t getting through to me, I kept trying and trying, that’s just the way I am. I guess I had hope that I could change her and the lies would stop. I manned up to my mistakes and have changed myself for the better, but I am afraid she is still the same. My gut kept telling me about the cheating and lying from day one, but my heart was still with her.

 

 

 

She has always had very low self esteem and i am the complete opposite. I have talked to the other guy for about 20 minutes and he is just a kid for the most part, it was like talking to some surfer dude who doesn't know what the words honor and pride even mean.

At this point I even feel bad for him, I just hope she digs down deep inside and finds the courage to reevaluate herself.

[NopeNah]

He's a rebound and will soon find her out on his own. Run far and run fast from this one!

[fawn]

If she has low selfesteem she will rationalize any excuse why she is with somebody. You have to understand that people with chronic dishonesty issues do not feel guilt, they just find any excuse and in their heads it makes it ok. If she has been dating the other guy all this time and he wont face the music they have the same issues and lack of morals. If the other guy had any self worth he would be out of there. You said it yourself she gives up all the time and jumps ship when the problems start. Right now she has someone to tell her sweet things and give her space and some people with low self worth just want to hear nice lies over truth. Why would you want someone like that in your life? If he could not face you and stand up for her he is not a man any woman would want for a lifemate. Women need security and protection, even if they stay together it will always be in the back of her mind that he could not find the courage to face you. Leave them be she will be kicking herself in the butt later.

[samspade]

1. You have oneitis for this girl. You need to break free and date (read: sleep with) other women.

 

2. She went behind your back. Then she went behind HIS back. If you reunite with her, what do you think she will do - eventually?

 

3. Your suspicions were all you needed to dump her. Confirming what you already know was a waste of time and added aggravation for you. Confronting her new suitor was even MORE of a waste of time. What did you hope to accomplish by any of this? If a woman is behaving in a way that makes you think she's two-timing you, she either a) IS two-timing you, or b) is behaving poorly and not worth dating. Dump - don't be Sherlock Holmes.

 

4. Stop blaming yourself for her transgressions. "I'm no saint," "I got angry," blah, blah. She CHEATED. Her fault - end of story.

 

Look at the bright side: She did you a favor by telegraphing her slutty behavior to you. Be glad you didn't marry this one.

 

Remember: Anything you cannot walk away from is your MASTER, and you are its SLAVE.

 

Don't be a slave. Disrespectful people get the boot. Don't look back.

[fatamus]

Man I feel like a huge weigh has been lifted off my shoulders. I did blame myself for a lot of things and I was a jackass at times but I never betrayed her. Thanks for the encouragement guys, all my friends said the same exact thing but sometimes its hard to listen to friends because there is always some factor of bias. I have a pile of messages from girls I never got back with, time to catch up I guess!

[gorgio]

Your situation is so similar to mine, it's unreal. The only difference is that I never confronted the nice guy.

 

Move on my friend, it has taken me a while to figure it out but I have moved on. We are lucky that nice guy took them away from us.

[fatamus]

Yeah he is scared, i will let him live with that shame. I know her enough to know its doomed, she will get tired of the always nice guy role and go look for someone new.

[luchalucha]

samspede!!!! only by reading the part where you said he should be glad he did not marry her made feel terrible, i am in the same situation and i am married i never and probably never confront the guy i don't think is worth it anp it will be more painful to see who he is.

 

on the other hand i still love my wife and i hope she grows up a little bit to find out that cheating is one of the worst things you can do.

 

same as him i have a temper but i am fair and caring, she only had to work 3 days a week part time 4 hours each, i get home tired since i work on a more demanding field plus i play in bands, which makes me busy all the time, my wife is always jealous when i play shows since there are all kinds of rocker girls and they flirt with me, believe me i have never cheated on her and if i kind of flirt or actually being nice is in order to sell cd's of my bands.

 

the thing i don't get is how can she be mega jealous and at the same time cheat on me with people that do not have anything in their favor besides sweet talking her?????

 

it is stupid that i want her back even with her juvenile mindset.

 

to make things worse she is going around town tellin everybody that i kicked out of the house but not saying the role she played in the break up,

now i gave up our apartment and i am staying with a friend, and this gets worse she is meeting with my friend to check on me an talk bad stuff about me ( my friend knows is bs ) after she sais her life is fantastic and her new boyfriend is marvelous she goes to say oh an how is he doing(me)????

 

i don't get it,this week 5 of no contact on my part exept for the part that i called her mom to tell her what really happened and the cheating stuff bla bla bla, i probably should not talk to the mom but i did not want have my dignity fall that cheap.

 

this is week 5 and i almost broke contact today ( maybe that is why i am writting here).

 

to all of you STAY STRONG!!!! i know i am not but if she is coming back she needs to change a lot, i need to change some things too but there are not as evil compared to what she was doing to me for months lying cheating never admitting when i caught her , typical excuses "ohh he is gay that is why he sends me text like those or oHH that you are paranoid he is only a friend, i know how friends talk and those things where how lovers talk.

 

well i am fine i got a vd test and i am ok, now chwck this out!! she saw i got a vd test an and confronted me about it, i could not tell her that i was suspicious of her maybe that was bad. i am a sucker i love my wife!!!!

 

you think she will realize someday what we had???????

[fatamus]

Well for me I had to be 100% sure of the whole deal, she kept the lies up and I kept believing her and kept thinking she will change. Dumb on my part, whats done is done. I really did give it my all. I did love her after all. She claimed she never slept with the guy to this day, I am sure she lied about that and now I could care less. Guilt will creep up one day, maybe not now but sooner or later it will eat her from the inside. Funny thing is that I really didn’t want to do anything to the guy; his cowardly actions humiliated him enough. I wish I recorded our phone conversation because you could smell the fear from a thousand miles away. Once you realize someone like that is so afraid he won’t stand up for anything you just let it go man, it’s like kicking someone on the ground.

 

luchalucha, cut your loses man. Before I had doubts and wanted it to work, it was always in the back of my mind. Now I had enough, the air smells fresher, the food tastes better and there are a ton of girls out there.

[luchalucha]

thanx fatamus, well i will still post as long this saga of deception keeps happening, plus i am no expert but i have been in many break ups some of them did get great second chances!!! so don't be discouraged.

in this last breakup i was speechless since she said i want to have a separation but she said that because i was completely sure of her cheating, she was really stupid and stubborn check this out:

 

on that tragic sunday i saw her facebook account open, i am not a jealous guy but my gut kept telling me she was up to something for the past months,

so i read her amorous e mail, with some guy so i told her hey wath's up with this???? and she goes ohhh that,? that's from months ago ( like that makes it ok). after that i was so sad while she was getting dressed to go on another date with a different guy but she told she needed some time alone to get her head togheter, she comes back that night and goes to sleep hugging her cell phone, i went to chek on it and she went actually on a date with a different person from the email, grossss!!!!!

 

next day i talked to her in the morning when i was more relaxed, i think i made her change her mind for a few hours or maybe she was just buying time so she could emty my apartment when i was at work.

i came home fron work a said f@#$ this i am leaving so i packed my stuff

and she comes home saying oh i was willing to give a second chance but since you are packing i am leaving you but we need to split the stuff from the apartment so we leave in a fair manner and i will send you money for my cell phone bill and your credit card payments ( she spent thousand on clothes with my card). i was enraged so i said everthing here is mine don't send me money for the cell phone i am cancelling your account right now, i don't want you to use my phone so can send millions of texts with that guy,

i started calling the phone company and she attacked me and bit me many times, she broke my phone, next she said i will be right back and she went to the bank and emty our account!!!

 

mext day i called her so we could have i nice brek up but she just treated me like i was the one that coused everything, i know i am not a saint or rich but i am on my way to do good things in life.

 

i will keep posting this story since it gets better.

 

thanxx to everybody.

[fatamus]

man our stories are very similar, some parts are exactly the same. She also did all the bitter stuff, trying to screw me ever which way with this and that. The whole separation was very hard, we moved to a new state together, lived together etc... Separating all the stuff, accounts and belongings was a lot of aggravation but nothing competed to what she did to me with the backstabbing. I am not a greedy person, I don’t care if she takes all the stuff and the money, whatever its just stuff. Take it all, I still have my honor and nobody can take that from me, not even her. I gave her back every single thing she has ever given me; of course she kept all the diamonds and jewelry I gave her. It took me a long time to realize this but people like that really do NOT feel guilty, they just make an excuse in their heads. This is in psychology books, I did a little research. You go down the list; something like

 

1) does the person tell white lies?

2) Does the person tell lies to get out of trouble?

3) Does the person seem confused on what they want all the time?

4) Has the person hid things behind your back?

 

etc etc and mine was a classic example of this, like 100%. She just tells herself it wasn’t meant to be and I was an ******* etc etc and there is no guilt there at all. Her whole family is kind of like that, it’s sad. My family has encourages me to work it out the whole way and has never once said a single bad word about her. My mom just told me “do what makes you happy and that’s all I will stay out of it, and forgive her”. Her family just backtalk, its ok I forgave them also. I really was stupid enough to think we could make it work and change her. She doesn’t care; she has always taken the easy way out and always will. It’s a sad state of affairs. She will hop from one guy to the next and maybe in 10 years she will "get it". The kid she is with now couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag if the directions were written on the bottom. I know her, she knows it too this aint going to last. She is lonely and insecure so she will procrastinate, make herself believe she is in love and then have it all crash. I will still pray for her and wish her the best, that’s all I can do for her.

 

On the upside there are so many gorgeous girls out there it’s crazy, you just have to know where to look. I just started seeing a new girl I met a few weeks ago and for my ex's good I hope they never bump into each other in public because this girl has everything my ex was insecure about. Upgrade for me, huge downgrade for her. Life sometimes just works you know?

 

Dump her man and move on.

[luchalucha]

wow!!! almost the exact same thing, when i talked to her mom she treated me like s%$#, i felt better when i told her what actually happen, the mom asked me for the other guy's number and my ex's number i said no that is not my problem anymore, i wonder why my ex does not tell her family anything, my guess is that she feel bad and that she did awful things.

 

i guess i will feel better with an apology and an explanation, part of wants to take fer back and the other part wants to move on, but i guess this is too fresh now so it's probably the normal thing to feel.

 

thanx fatamus your words help a lot.

[fatamus]

This is not easy to hear for you but listen here. Its one thing to cheat and hide things from your partner, but when you have no remorse, no sense of guilt, you can’t get any lower. There are people who cheat and then curse themselves for years begging for forgiveness and ultimately improve themselves. Then there are the low-self worth weak people who just find a reason why they did it like “he deserved it”, “it wasn’t technically cheating”, etc. It’s over at that point. This is a wreck that will only get worse. Trust your gut, don’t trust anything she says if she has a habit of lying.

 

Mine started with hiding things from me, talking to another guy behind my back, lying about it and it continued until this day. She has not improved, she made no progress in the moral department. She has not apologized directly for what she has done, she feels no guilt, her whole life is one big excuse. She has no clue what she has done to me and how much she has hurt me, absolutely no clue. I know I mistreated her at times in our relationship and since we have broken up I repented every day, I promised myself I will never repeat the same mistakes again. Some people are weak and some are strong, that’s life. Her parents are not helping her, they speak of morals but pretty much only care about themselves. Life it too short to be with someone like that. Took me almost 8 months to finally figure it out.

 

Kind of strange how my thread turned into helping others.

 

You might want to check this thread out

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200311/

[NopeNah]

Good to see you realize what you've "lost", fatamus. Be glad it's gone and begin looking forward to a life without that in it! Good luck to you..

[luchalucha]

wow!!!! i am starting my week 6 of no contact but even with all her lies and cheating i still miss her.

 

anxiety is a bit lower today, but the hope of her calling does not stop, this is really hard, i go back to the day of the breakup and she wasn't sure if she wanted to dump me, it was like this for a few days, she even said you have improved and stuff like that, i don't know if this is a sign or maybe a way of saying sayonara without me feeling horrible.

 

the part that does not let me heal i that she is trying to make contact with my roommate, what kills me is that she is telling him sometimes things like maybe i will come back to him and the week later she says her life is wonderful with the new guy.

 

i guess i should just give it some time if she calls and and i notice real intentions we can get back together.

 

my gut told me she was cheating and now my gut is telling me she is not coming back.

 

she has not asked me for a divorce yet so i do not know what is going to happen, this limbo is eternal!!!!!!

 

please if anybody has had this experience i will like to hear from you???

 

this sucks.

[fatamus]

I was done with this thread but got an email notification of new post so what the hell I will post again.

 

luchalucha, it’s normal you will miss her for a while, maybe months. Just keep a few things in mind; she chose to do what she did nobody forced her, it wasn’t some accident. What are you trying to accomplish with this? Even if she comes back can you deal with the cheating past? If you make up and get into a fight again will you wonder if she will do it again? It’s not easy, but I will tell you there are plenty of honest girls out there that won’t pull crap like this. Yeah you are going to be alone for a while, maybe for a long while and yeah it will suck big time but remember there will be somebody else out there that wont cheat and lie.

 

It sucks being alone after being with someone for so long. I am taking it easy and doing things right way this time, no rebound relationships for me, if I jump into a relationship right now with one of the girls I just started seeing I know it’s a rebound and wont end well, plus it makes me no better than my ex. Find something you enjoy doing (hobby, work, etc) and just try to enjoy life.

 

I have turned my bad ending into something positive at this point; my friends joke about her slutty attitude and the other day we were watching some movie and there was a little kid crying and he was being chased by a monster and someone yelled “look its (my name deleted) chasing slutty (hers name deleted) girly boy” and we all laughed and cracked jokes for good 30 minutes. We are a rowdy bunch so everyone laughs when they hear the story how her rebound boy wouldn’t come to the door and jokingly started a fund to mail him a skirt and some makeup, we might still do it. It doesn’t have to be sad, just find the positive and smile man, **** will figure itself out. Remember she cheated, lied and gave up not you. Don’t stoop down to her level, keep your integrity at any cost.

[blackhair]

Firstly, I feel your pain as do the majority of people on this site, but I don't agree with one thing in your overview and that is your confrontations with your EX';s new guy.

You don't really have a right to ring/confront him on his relationship with your Ex. I personally don't care how weak/feeble he is, it really isn't him that ended the relationship with your ex. He obviouysly knows that you have an agressive streak and isn't prepared for a confrontation with you, especially as it will upset your Ex.

You do sound like you love this girl but you have got to realise that your anger and stress did not just affect you (as you stated in your earlier paragraphs), if one person is suffering emotionally in a relationship, then the other person is also suffering. It isn't always a one way street.

Your EX may be insecure, but if you were always arguing with her, then that would not have helped the situation.

She seems to still have feelings for you but I think she is torn between the good and the bad in you. She misses the good things but possibly fears the bad.

I think if you can somehow show her you've changed by complimenting her, encouraging her, controlling your anger etc and ignoring her relationship with her now boyfriend, then she will see a better you...and in time will see that you have changed for the better...and who knows, you may get a second chance. You have got to make changes though - good luck!

[fatamus]

Blackhair, there was a little bit more to the whole story. At first he denied everything he pretended like he didn’t even know who she was. There was also some stuff that he said about me behind my back. I didn’t talk to him to tell him to stay away from her; I actually told him that he can do whatever he wants with her but to stop talking about me. I come from a background where if someone is talking behind your back you deal with it man to man. Keep in mind that I never knew what their official status was, she told me she is not dating anyone seriously and then I kind if found out that she is. It was a lot of lying and confusion, I wanted to get the whole story. I did love her, but I don’t think I deserved all of the pain she handed to me. Who knows what will happen God works in mysterious ways. My pride gets in my way sometimes but I am not a violent person, I still care for her and hope she will find the light someday. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself, she will realize what she threw away in time.

[luchalucha]

wow guys i see different opinions now, but here it is, regardless of my situation i have to fight my demons not to get her back but i know that i caused some of the outcome of my relationship, also she needs to accept the fact that cheating is almost like agony on your partner, i need to fix my anger but here is the strange thing everybody that knows me knows i am not an angry person why did i get so angry at her here is what i think it was:

her selfishness, her insecurites and the most was her blindness towards sharing life as a team, example: she was working 3 days a week part time and she was going to school that is awesome for everybody well one day i told her when you are done with school i will work part time and go to school myself, her answer was you already had your chance!!!! i was like oh my god but i put it in the back of my head, also she wanted to out all the time and i will pay for everything but if a day came that i did not have money she will be like aaarrgghh you never have money i don't know how you do it i work only 20 hours and i have money all the time!!!

 

god she really has to change i am still here but i don't know for how long.

 

i am not leaving the shack this place is great help.

i will keep posting.

thanxx fatamus and thanxx black hair both opinios are valuable!!!

[fatamus]

lucha, you never know what will end up happening unless you let her go. Look at my other thread if you need proof my friend.