Am I insecure and how do I deal with this problem of magazine "looking"?

[needesteem]

I admit I am insecure about my looks even though I see better/worse than myself for my age. What happened is my bf found a penthouse at work and brough it back and either thought I saw it or that I was headed for the bag it was in and told me and then put in by the night stand not hidden. Heres my dilemma. My ex of several years was OBSESSED with pretty, and beauty and perfection to where it insulted me and humiliated me and scarred my womanhood. There is much more but that's enough on the ex. This guy seems to care for me but still since it isn't a magazine for US to explore I have been down and feeling like crap for a few days. I looked at it and thought I am not built like that or chesty or anything and I have been ANGRY as all get out and keeping it inside harboring and festering! The thought of him masturbating (desiring, wanting, lusting) to paper dolls makes me feel like I am so UGLY I have been crying by myself. I am not 20 and have kids so a little stomach and of course battle scars. It hasn't been a habit (like the ex) but I am angry and disgusted at him for not just looking and tossing it away. This cheating to me. I understand people seeing someone and looking twice but I would like to be numero uno as far as a woman/lover/lust goddess for him for the real thing. How (or do) I bring this up I didn't sleep last night.

[moimeme]

This has been a really big issue on the boards lately. The crux of the problem is not what he is doing. He does not prefer the magazine ladies to you AT ALL. That is what so many women fear - and it is because they feel horrible about themselves and can't believe anybody would actually love them.

 

Your situation is worse because of your previous BF. Have you explained all about your previous relationship to your current BF? Does he realize that him looking at a magazine makes you feel exactly the same as your old BF made you feel?

 

The answer to your situation is twofold; he will need to show more understanding of your situation for the time being and be extra sensitive to the fact that these are old wounds for you that are still easily reopened. You also need to work on your self-esteem to try to recover from your old relationship. That may take reading books and/or seeing a therapist. You deserve to not feel bad about yourself.

 

Men look at porn. Women look at porn. Nobody prefers the porn to their actual partners but you need to come to a point where you understand and believe that - and the first step to that is to gain enough self-esteem to believe that your BF actually does love you more than anybody else. Because of your last relationship, this will be hard for you but I believe you can overcome it.

[FreeMe]

needesteem,

 

I'm so sorry - I know exactly how you feel. I have the same problem as far as my boyfriend looking at others - whether on tv or mags, wherever. I also had a previous boyfriend when I was young who played horrible head games and would actually act disgusted if I tried to touch him and then would stare at other women lecherously. He had a lot of influence over me as it happened when I was only 18 and he was 32. Unfortunately I am still dealing with this problem. I am on the verge of losing my current boyfriend over it. I'm in the process of looking for a counselor and I've been reading on self esteem and irrational jealousy issues. It's very difficult and I wish you luck. I wish I could say something more useful but I at least wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[needesteem]

Thanks for replying it's good to know I'm not alone even though I feel the same. I get ANGRY inside and keep it bottled. With my ex husband there was a lot of abuse aside from whatever his obsession was or quest for PERFECT. Yes I am scarred. I have been able to talk to this guy about the abuse but the sex thing is not only humiliating it is plain embarassing and hideous (to me). I could always see or feel the difference with my ex the difference in 'looking' as most people do compared to GAWKING as I told him and was upfront about my feelings because we were married and I felt betrayed over time. There were times I caught him in the middle of the night (not pictures) and it hurt me then angered me to where the last several years I couldn't stand him near me. With this guy I would feel better if we were engaged somehow I know that. Now I am fuming that he may have watched the victoria's secret special last night and that's why he didn't invite me over. That I don't get him going enough. If I find out he watched it I am DONE with him for good because I suffered years of that sort of thing with the ex. I hate to accuse but I wish I knew how to ask. I'll think of something and say it's the wrong (airing) date and ask something about last night's tv shows. It's NOT juvenille to me because my feelings MATTER and I am a very open person sexually to ideas, talking, good communicator and sensual and I need a FAITHFUL man in all aspects. Sure, I understand everyone has fantasies. I mean I could accept looking at a mag and tossing it (soon). Now my ex WOULD have watched that show knowing it would hurt me and say if I wasn't home he would make an effort to watch stuff on tv knowing I'd be gone, yet he was pretty 'closed' sexually when it came to the real deal. Fairly inhibited. I have no problem with SHARED fantasies, porn (if agreed between a couple) whatever both are into. It always hurt me that the ex had a REAL woman, a loving, caring female willing to love him and chose paper. I need to air this someplace thanks for listening.