I finally get it...Commitment phobia

[mimiminx]

After a month of agonizing, being so confused, hurt,and heartbroken the lightbulb has finally come on.

My ex is a classic commitment phobe. I read some stuff online and I was SHOCKED to read the signs.. it was like I could have written them myself. His motto was and still is, "I don't want to talk about it right now". He RAN when he felt too much pressure. We were about to move, the day before the appointment to view the house, he left. We had been together over 2 years and were planning on getting married and having children. I had a "promise ring" but that was supposed to be an interim to an engagement ring. Never got the engagement ring. He liked to talk about the future, but in an idealistic way. He had a long list of qualities he was looking for in a woman and it was like I fit all of them except one that was "really important to him" (because I was selfish sometimes, I complained too much) pretty much silly, non-dealbreaker excuses. He's almost 30 years old and I am his first long term girlfriend. He has had a series of short relationships where he's always the one ending it. His friend's have said that the girls he's dated in the past were never good enough for him, and he ended up breaking their hearts. His father walked out on him and his family when he was 4 years old. He learned that behavior from his father and grew up with a strong, overbearing mother. He has social anxiety issues that come up from time to time and I have read the two phobias tie together. When he left he said " I can't make a commitment to anything! " There's the writing on the wall. The funny thing is he's never backed down from anything before but when it comes down to his heart, I guess he's afraid. I read somewhere that "Love and fear cannot exist in the same place." He was afraid. My breakup finally makes sense. It isn't me, it is him.

I still love him very much of course. He never hurt me until he left me. I have hopes for a reconciliation, but I am not the one reaching out. He's now playing the yo-yo game with me, (predictable right?) now that I'm out of his reach. I want to maintain communication with him but I'm not giving in to him every time he calls or contacts me.

Anyone have advice? How do I deal with this and him?

I'm going to the bookstore today to pick up "He's Scared, She's Scared" and maybe a workbook. I want to send it to him in fact after I read it.

Thanks

[broken_promises]

Ugh... been there. The day we were supposed to sign a lease to move in together, he flipped out and bailed on moving. (This completely screwed up my entire school/work situation.) But he couldn't commit to breaking up, so he strung me along for another 1-1/2 years with more promises of things to come.

 

It is awful because it is the future talk that we heard all in the beginning that keeps us stuck thinking things will change. We keep hearing the promises and plans in our head despite the fact that he is totally different now.

 

I also found (on here, actually) the realization that my ex was classic commitment phobic. Once you begin to put all the pieces and signs together, it makes total sense. (I was my ex's longest relationship in a string of many, many 1-2 year relationships that he had before me. And, of course, it was always an issue with the women... never his issues.) That is interesting about social anxiety being linked to CP... I hadn't heard that before.

 

I read He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love. They helped. Also, I definitely recommend It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. It has made it much easier to be realistic about everything. Good luck... I wish I could say it gets easier, but I am still really struggling with the feeling of being duped and trusting what he said he wanted. I was the classic "target" of the CP... strong, independent, cautious about jumping into commitment too fast. This just led him to pursue me and make promises until I finally let my guard down and the dynamic changed. It is just something so difficult to get over for me. I'm working on it.

[mickleb]

I'm with you. Just received my copy of He's Scared, She's Scared through the post.

 

My ex's longest relationship before me was 6 months. We got to 14. He always made efforts to convince me everything he did was 'for our future'. Did the CP thing of going overboard with all the cute, romance stuff (as he, secretly, craves the security & intimacy). He's been living with his parents for the past 4 years, is self-employed (so just works ad hoc). We were planning what we were going to do on our holiday, one minute. The next, he was telling me he hadn't put any money aside for even his tax-return, had to break up with me and was gone.

 

He begged me to be his friend & still go on the holiday before he went. By that evening, when I called, he was screaming at me 'it is OVER, how many times do I have to repeat it?' We exchanged stuff and I told him I couldn't be his friend. That was it.

 

It was driving me crazy until I read about CPs. Now, I'm still shell-shocked. Can't quite believe that's it. Keep having memories of how it was right up to that moment, as it was the most fun, romantic, incredible time I've ever had. And then it was gone.

 

I think it's so hard for us to comprehend. I wish we'd had months of being miserable, so I could process it.

 

I hate how he could do this.

 

I'm also reading The Journey From Heartbreak to Connection. This is excellent for helping me to focus on the future and deal with the now. I'm trying very hard not to let it affect my future relationships.

[TaraMaiden]

I know - isn't it a shocker when you see it for yourself?

 

I did tell you this in your other thread....

 

just enough to keep you interested, but not enough to keep him committed.

 

But as with most things heart-driven - nothing can make you see it until something makes you see it.....

 

Well done hun...

I wish you well.....