Need advice since this is my last days to see him

[genie]

My on and off again boyfriend of 2+ years are off again. Always his decision to break up. He is 43 and I am 40. I have been divorced 10 years and he has been divorced 3. I feel he is a commitment phobia, because everytime things are great, he runs. He says that now his problem is that he can't give me what I deserve, he can't promise me a future. He says he doesn't even know where his future is. Every breakup has caused me a great deal of sadness and broken self spirit. But then every breakup we had (5) was a growing experience. I had learned that there are men out there that want me with good intentions. The sad thing is the ex is the only man I want. I understand his confusion, because I was also self dystructive when I was recently divorced.

 

He was in a 20 year marriage. Also, in the 10 years that I have been divorced, he is the only man that I admitted I was in love with. I also know that he loves me very much and he, as sad as this sounds, is the only man in my life that has not cheated on me.

 

Well, thats making a long story short, but this breakup we have remained friends and have been intimate a few times. I plan on going to see him tonight and I also plan on spending some of the Thanksgiving Holidays with him. I am playing in my head that after this time, I will walk out of his life and leave him with decisions he needs to make. I will leave forever if he can't love me enough.

 

I don't necessarily want marriage, but I want a man that see's me in my future and I know that if I continue to be with him, he doesn't have to consciously make that decision. I don't want to casually be with someone, I want and deserve more. The only thing is, my heart aches for him so much. I don't know if I can love anyone else. My heart does not want to give up, if it takes me walking out of his life to make him realize he loves me and as hard as it may be, then that is what I'm going to do.

 

My question is, please give me some ideas on what I should do, act, or say for these last few days I will spend with him. I want to give him something to think about and I want to be so irresistable that he can't feel like he can leave me. I want my man back 100% or not at all. Please give me ideas.

[Summerday]

It sounds like he starting dating you soon after his divorce, 1 year after.. correct me if I am wrong. Maybe he is not fully healed from his divorce yet.

 

Anyway, my thoughts and ideas are do not see him now or during the holidays. This might help him to realize what he is about to lose. I know this is easier said then done, and it's only my thoughts, I don't know if I would do it. Good luck to you, I know what you are going through.

[genie]

Thanks Summerday for your reply. Yes, I agree that he is healing from his divorce. There is so much that I this site doesn't have the space for me to note. But he has alot of guilt and he shut her out and after 20 years of that she fell out of love with him. He is doing the same with me. It hurt to hear your advice about not seeing him and in my head I know that is what's best for me. I know that I would be no good to my family, when I set my mind to leave him for good, I just cry all the time. I went to his house last nite and it was really beautiful. He hasn't played his guitar in a long time and I brought it out and asked him to sing to me. We were going to go out, but we decided to stay in. Who knows, maybe with that, I'll be able to make an exit. But, even though it hurts, it's good advice. Thanks.

[Arabess]

Genie,

Are all the break ups over the fact of him not making a committment?

 

I would think if you don't plan on having additional children together.....if you are happy in his presence, you love each other and he's a good man who doesn't cheat on you.....what difference does it make if he 'verbally' commits on a deeper plane or not? Why not totally enjoy the relationship where it stands?

 

I respect a man more who is slower to commit than one who jumps from one woman to the next. He was married a long time and had a tough divorce. He's probably still dealing with the fear of loss (emotionally AND financially). I'd give him time, be his best friend (and lover) and let love proceed in it's own timing.

 

Arabess

[genie]

I agree with you. When I asked for more, I merely meant, "if you don't see me in your future, then let me go", he thought I meant if you don't marry me soon, then let me go. Eventually, I want marriage, but only if it feels 100% right, can't tell you that after all I've been through, that I will ever feel 100% right.

 

I did want him to tell me that he could see us living together once my children are grown. He decided to walk out on me instead of trying. Last nite, he told me that when I turned 40 (August), I freaked out. He said it was like I had to have all the answers for my future. To a degree, he was right. I pay rent now, and I would much rather take that money and build a future with one. I guess I'm more there than he is.

 

The only problem I have now is "I know he loves me, I just don't know if he knows that". He is scared, and it is easier for him to walk then to stay and work this out. But I have told him, "if you choose to move on with your life, then I will grant him that wish. But if he chooses to be with me, "then I will grant him that wish also." I just think that if I don't leave him now, he may never have to make up his mind if he loves me. Up to the day we broke up, he didn't doubt that he loved me, but now he says he don't know if he loves me enough.

 

Oh yeah, the other break ups have not been because of commitment. The first time was my faught, I had trust issues and he got sick of paying for what others have done to me. I went to therapy, much better now. The second was because he was scared I'd hurt him and he didn't know if he loved me. Also, he felt he wasn't being fare to his family (mostly his 17 year old daughter) She said that he loved my daughter more (totally not true) So then he became rude to my daughter. He came back because he realized he loved me. The third time because his parents didn't like me (wanted him back with his ex) That is not going to happen, whether I'm in the picture or not, but he said they needed to like me. Came back to me anyway and said that it was their loss. And now this time. He usually stays away for about 1 - 1 1/2 months. Also, I now refuse to hang with his crowd. A pretty rough dysfunctional crowd that thrives on misery. These people were his friends through his misery loves company stages of his divorce. But they are not healthy for a single person, much less a couple trying to become better. These break ups help him and hurts the hell out of me. Now do you see why I may want more of a commitment?