help...it's me again

[MA]

Hi everyone,

 

Well my boyfriend and I broke up a week or two ago because we had just grown apart and he didn't communicate worth crap. Anyway I have been hangin out with friends and doing very well lately. I had a good weekend and was well on my way to getting over it. He had some things at my house and I am moving this weekend so he emailed me that he wanted to pick them up but also wanted to see me "one last time". He could pick the things up from my porch b/c it is a grill and some chairs which are outside ( you don't need a key). I knew I should not see him b/c he would probably get to me even though I was getting over him. Anyway to make a long story short he did come over and finally did manage to have a conversation with me that we should have had a long time ago......I found out he had been cheating on me for four months. Now I am so disgusted, devastated....mad and everything else. I feel like I don't believe anything he's said to me for months and wonder how he can live with himself. I think it may actually be easier to get over now b/c I am more angry than anything else. But, now I am wondering if I can ever trust anybody again. Also, just wanted to let anybody who is dealing with a break up know that the advice I got about going to do things for yourself and calling old friends and things like that really do help instead of having a pity party for yourself. But I just want to know if there is a way for me to get this anger and hatred out of my system. I feel like it is eating me alive and I almost want some kind of revenge or something, although I know I am not psychotic enough to do anything crazy I am just horrified that I wasted my time caring about such a jerk. If anybody else has any stories about horrible cheaters I would love to hear them. For all of you pschology wizards, what makes people cheat? I would like to think we all have morals but I think tony is right, they went out the window a couple of decades ago. Sorry to write such a long post, but I really needed to vent.

 

Any advice or stories would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

If you continue to fester anger and resentment against this butthole, you simply allow him to be in your life and to make it miserable for a long time to come. Your anger is certainly justified, however, but it is not serving you well.

 

Your big mistake was talking to him. You had the power to leave his stuff outside. He did not hold a gun to your head and demand that you to talk to him. The quality of your life has not improved by this talk. The information you gained, which at this point is immaterial, has driven you to new heights of anger. Please don't talk to him anymore.

 

The only way anyone who has this type of anger can move on is simply to forgive. I know you don't want to hear that because you are mad as hell right now and you want to be pissed off. But I promise there is NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD who is concerned about or affected by your anger but you. It hurts you, destroys you, takes up YOUR time and does not make the world a better place.

 

Try to understand we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. I know it is hard as hell, but if you develop an attitude of forgiving people for being human, you will be much happier. You don't have to hang around them and you don't have to even tell them you have forgiven them. This is an act that takes place in your heart.

 

By not forgiving the jerks that cause you pain in your life, you give them such an amazing amount of power over your life they simply DO NOT DESERVE!!!

 

By forgiving and moving on, many biological changes will take place within your body that will help you liVe longer. Go to the following link and read how anger can kill you: http://www.msnbc.com/news/401990.asp

 

It is also important to take responsibility for things that happen to us in life. If you had paid attention and used your intuition, you would have known this guy was seeing other people. However, I know it's very painful when we are in a relationship to consider that the person we love is betraying us. We just don't want to listen to our own heart...and we really don't want to hear it from other people. We just want to ignore anything that threatens our happiness.

 

Yes, you will be able to trust again. Once you choose to be kind to yourself and let the anger go into the atmosphere, you will heal from this. You will meet lots of men and if you listen to them, see how they interact with their friends and family, see how they relate to people in their everyday lives, you will know if they are trustworthy or not. If you cannot trust someone, you can't have a relationship with them.

 

I will say that generally that people's morals, ethics and principles of living are much looser than they used to be. But there are still lot of upstanding guys out there. You've just had some bad luck. But if you take responsibility for what happens to you, you will be more diligent in listening to your gut next time.

 

It will serve no purpose to you to hear other people's horror stories. There have been cheaters since the beginning of time. We recently learned our beloved Thomas Jefferson cheated on his wife with one of his slaves and had a child. Our beloved President Clinton has oral sex with a young intern in the Oval Office while smoking a cigar and talking to a Senator on the phone while his wife was 150 feet away in the Rose Garden.

 

Give yourself a break and just stipulate that there are millions of cheaters in the world and you just have to be weary and watchful of them. They cause a horrendous amount of pain but it is just a fact of life. Posting the stories here is not constructive.

 

All will be well.

[Nina]

You know what's funny? You can ask the people who do cheat over and over again why they did it and they can't tell you. I could go over the biological determinism of the sexes. The way the sexes are physiologically structured, women can only have a few offspring while men can have many wth different partners, so we women have a biological drive to seek a partner who will help support us and care for our children. Men have the biological drive to spray their seed as far as it can go. It's a funciton of trying to pass on your genes, which is the whole point of our species and why we spread like a virus over the earth.

 

But many men wre raised with a religious or personal moral background that causes them to seek fulfillment with one individual. Usually, if his parents have been married for several years, then he'll be more likely to be monogamous. the affect of divorce on male children, controversy be damned, is that they are presented with a parttern of committment that is sketchy and irregular. Thus, they see it as ok to give in to their genetically coded impulses. And sometimes, even if the parents are still together, the nature of their relationship is such that the pattern the male child is presented with allow him to give in to his desires to cheat.

 

My ex, for example, had divorced parents and couldn't have a relaitonship longer than a few months. And to this day he hasn't. My fiance, on the other hand, comes from a very religious family and his parents have been married for about 25 years. In the year I've been with him, I have never had a doubt in my mind about his sincerity or commitment.

 

This theory is controversial, of course, because so many people with children are getting divorced these days and they don't want to admit that the long term consequences of divorce are unhealthy relationships in their children.

[magicklady]

Take it from someone that has been there.. just let it go and move on. You never should have talked to him, I tried to tell you that the night he was coming over.. but I think I was online to late. He is A DOUBLE JERK because he could have left well enough alone and not told you about his cheating ways. I think most of the time if you are broken up it is better left unsaid. The father of my children just informed me the other day he cheated on me 20 times while we were together.. after I got out of that relationship I tested myself for Aids and was negative.. but the whole concept is scary. Men need to think about these things (and women to) while they are out there cheating... Having many partners is a DANGEROUS thing these days and I think I was more angry with him for taking a chance with my Life and catching some disease than him actually cheating. So anyway.. just let it go.. and you will trust again, but from now on listen to your inner voice.. it usually knows... Take care and keep in touch.

Hi everyone, Well my boyfriend and I broke up a week or two ago because we had just grown apart and he didn't communicate worth crap. Anyway I have been hangin out with friends and doing very well lately. I had a good weekend and was well on my way to getting over it. He had some things at my house and I am moving this weekend so he emailed me that he wanted to pick them up but also wanted to see me "one last time". He could pick the things up from my porch b/c it is a grill and some chairs which are outside ( you don't need a key). I knew I should not see him b/c he would probably get to me even though I was getting over him. Anyway to make a long story short he did come over and finally did manage to have a conversation with me that we should have had a long time ago......I found out he had been cheating on me for four months. Now I am so disgusted, devastated....mad and everything else. I feel like I don't believe anything he's said to me for months and wonder how he can live with himself. I think it may actually be easier to get over now b/c I am more angry than anything else. But, now I am wondering if I can ever trust anybody again. Also, just wanted to let anybody who is dealing with a break up know that the advice I got about going to do things for yourself and calling old friends and things like that really do help instead of having a pity party for yourself. But I just want to know if there is a way for me to get this anger and hatred out of my system. I feel like it is eating me alive and I almost want some kind of revenge or something, although I know I am not psychotic enough to do anything crazy I am just horrified that I wasted my time caring about such a jerk. If anybody else has any stories about horrible cheaters I would love to hear them. For all of you pschology wizards, what makes people cheat? I would like to think we all have morals but I think tony is right, they went out the window a couple of decades ago. Sorry to write such a long post, but I really needed to vent. Any advice or stories would be appreciated.

[MA]

thanks everyone I am feeling better all ready. You guys are right, I shouldn't have talked to him. He is a jerk and I am glad it is over but today he emailed me some picture and said it reminded him of the last vacation we went on. I figured I could write back an awful email telling him to go to hell or just leave it alone. I didn't write him back, I don't want anything to do with him. Can anyone tell me why this guy cheated on me and I think is pursuing a relationship w/ her but won't leave me alone. I just want to live my life absent of his presence or the presence of anyone like him, but instead with the friends I have who actually care about my well being and happiness. ANy suggestions on why this creep won't leave me alone.....and how to get rid of him?

Take it from someone that has been there.. just let it go and move on. You never should have talked to him, I tried to tell you that the night he was coming over.. but I think I was online to late. He is A DOUBLE JERK because he could have left well enough alone and not told you about his cheating ways. I think most of the time if you are broken up it is better left unsaid. The father of my children just informed me the other day he cheated on me 20 times while we were together.. after I got out of that relationship I tested myself for Aids and was negative.. but the whole concept is scary. Men need to think about these things (and women to) while they are out there cheating... Having many partners is a DANGEROUS thing these days and I think I was more angry with him for taking a chance with my Life and catching some disease than him actually cheating. So anyway.. just let it go.. and you will trust again, but from now on listen to your inner voice.. it usually knows... Take care and keep in touch.

 

[Tony T]

ANy suggestions on why this creep won't leave me alone YES, GUILT.....and how to get rid of him? YES, DON'T RESPOND TO HIM, DON'T TAKE HIS CALLS, DON'T SEND HIM MESSAGES, DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR AND IF HE KEEPS ON AFTER YOU, SEND HIM A CERTIFIED LETTER STATING IF HE MAKES ANYMORE ATTEMPTS TO CONTACT YOU, YOU WILL HAVE HIM PROSECUTED UNDER LOCAL AND STATE STALKING LAWS AND/OR SEEK COURT REMEMDIES INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, A RESTRAINING ORDER FORBIDDING HIS CONTACT WITH YOU WITH PENALTIES OF JAIL IF HE DISOBEYS IT.

 

Any other questions?

[magicklady]

Sweetie.. it is a comfort zone thing with him. He is just trying to keep you around incase the other doesn't work out for him..!!! I just got myself out of that type of situation. Instead of looking at the e-mails that are sent do yourself a favor and delete them without reading them and then dump them, it will make you feel much better I assure you and there will be no way he can get to you. Don't answer the phone if he calls. The more you talk to him the more power you give him over you and the situation, take control of it yourself and save yourself some dignity and self esteem. He cheated because he is a selfish fool, it was nothing to do with you, from talking to you I think you are a very nice person. Send him an e-mail and tell him not to send you anymore that it is over and to let you go on with your life. I guarentee you will feel better after you do.

 

Take care and keep me updated..

thanks everyone I am feeling better all ready. You guys are right, I shouldn't have talked to him. He is a jerk and I am glad it is over but today he emailed me some picture and said it reminded him of the last vacation we went on. I figured I could write back an awful email telling him to go to hell or just leave it alone. I didn't write him back, I don't want anything to do with him. Can anyone tell me why this guy cheated on me and I think is pursuing a relationship w/ her but won't leave me alone. I just want to live my life absent of his presence or the presence of anyone like him, but instead with the friends I have who actually care about my well being and happiness. ANy suggestions on why this creep won't leave me alone.....and how to get rid of him?

 

[billy the kid]

MA, your going to hate me for this but, and I mean really like masturbation most people (put in the ( wrong or right) situation) cheat and then say they didn't or don't.. every one tells stories, lies,fibs.. and then we go back to stories,lies, ect.don't believe any one doesn't tell stories or white lies, even my mother does and she is a saint.. now about revenge, forget it, the best thing you can do is just walk away... I say this so often but it is true.. I have done what your thinking of doing (hey I wrote a novel (not finished or puplished yet but it will be) anyway it doesn't help to be revengefull, it will

 

only hurt you in the long run..and I think (much respected "

 

Tony" was right ) morals went out a long time ago back in sodom and gamora...

Hi everyone, Well my boyfriend and I broke up a week or two ago because we had just grown apart and he didn't communicate worth crap. Anyway I have been hangin out with friends and doing very well lately. I had a good weekend and was well on my way to getting over it. He had some things at my house and I am moving this weekend so he emailed me that he wanted to pick them up but also wanted to see me "one last time". He could pick the things up from my porch b/c it is a grill and some chairs which are outside ( you don't need a key). I knew I should not see him b/c he would probably get to me even though I was getting over him. Anyway to make a long story short he did come over and finally did manage to have a conversation with me that we should have had a long time ago......I found out he had been cheating on me for four months. Now I am so disgusted, devastated....mad and everything else. I feel like I don't believe anything he's said to me for months and wonder how he can live with himself. I think it may actually be easier to get over now b/c I am more angry than anything else. But, now I am wondering if I can ever trust anybody again. Also, just wanted to let anybody who is dealing with a break up know that the advice I got about going to do things for yourself and calling old friends and things like that really do help instead of having a pity party for yourself. But I just want to know if there is a way for me to get this anger and hatred out of my system. I feel like it is eating me alive and I almost want some kind of revenge or something, although I know I am not psychotic enough to do anything crazy I am just horrified that I wasted my time caring about such a jerk. If anybody else has any stories about horrible cheaters I would love to hear them. For all of you pschology wizards, what makes people cheat? I would like to think we all have morals but I think tony is right, they went out the window a couple of decades ago. Sorry to write such a long post, but I really needed to vent. Any advice or stories would be appreciated.

[LT]

My theory of why people cheat: They're addicted to the feeling of "victory" or conquest they get. In other words, they've tied their whole sense of who they are, what they're worth, on whether or not someone else finds them attractive enough to bed. These are the same folks who will pine forever over the one "who got away," too! Same logic...they'll never feel they've "achieved" until they get that one too! And in your case, he seems to have put you in that category now...just keep saying no and don't let him know how angry you are...that feeds his ego and keeps him coming back hoping for more (since you're angry you must still care, right?)It's the challenge that they can't refuse...and what bigger challenge than an ex-gf who's pissed off?? If you'll take him to bed again he'll *really* feel he's conquered you!

 

LT

Hi everyone, Well my boyfriend and I broke up a week or two ago because we had just grown apart and he didn't communicate worth crap. Anyway I have been hangin out with friends and doing very well lately. I had a good weekend and was well on my way to getting over it. He had some things at my house and I am moving this weekend so he emailed me that he wanted to pick them up but also wanted to see me "one last time". He could pick the things up from my porch b/c it is a grill and some chairs which are outside ( you don't need a key). I knew I should not see him b/c he would probably get to me even though I was getting over him. Anyway to make a long story short he did come over and finally did manage to have a conversation with me that we should have had a long time ago......I found out he had been cheating on me for four months. Now I am so disgusted, devastated....mad and everything else. I feel like I don't believe anything he's said to me for months and wonder how he can live with himself. I think it may actually be easier to get over now b/c I am more angry than anything else. But, now I am wondering if I can ever trust anybody again. Also, just wanted to let anybody who is dealing with a break up know that the advice I got about going to do things for yourself and calling old friends and things like that really do help instead of having a pity party for yourself. But I just want to know if there is a way for me to get this anger and hatred out of my system. I feel like it is eating me alive and I almost want some kind of revenge or something, although I know I am not psychotic enough to do anything crazy I am just horrified that I wasted my time caring about such a jerk. If anybody else has any stories about horrible cheaters I would love to hear them. For all of you pschology wizards, what makes people cheat? I would like to think we all have morals but I think tony is right, they went out the window a couple of decades ago. Sorry to write such a long post, but I really needed to vent. Any advice or stories would be appreciated.