Who wants a cheater anyway: why OW wouldn't stay with the MM if they were the BS

[OWoman]

I find it the pinnacle of absurdity for an OW to buy into the idea that there is no legitimacy to a marriage and that there is no sex in the marriage simply because the cheating spouse 'says so'.

 

Anybody who believes anything from a single, potentially interested, source is taking a risk. Would you believe that your car needs a new windscreen because a passing windscreen salesman says so? Would you check in for a facelift because a cosmetic surgeon you met at a dinner party said it would really help you? Most people are bright enough to spot the hidden agenda and get a second opinion.

 

And, when the MM's friends, family and colleagues all agree that the MM's M is dead / abusive / etc, there are usually grounds for it - evidence built up over the years, in many different situations.

[jasminetea]

Most people are bright enough to spot the hidden agenda and get a second opinion.

 

It would appear from the evidence of this board that many if not most, OW don't seek a second opinion. In many cases it seems that its just not possible to do so anyway. The OW is kept a secret so she's not going to have access to his friends and family that would be able (or not) to back his allegations up, much less access to his wife who is really the only one who can validate or not if he's still having sex with her.

[OWoman]

It would appear from the evidence of this board that many if not most, OW don't seek a second opinion. In many cases it seems that its just not possible to do so anyway. The OW is kept a secret so she's not going to have access to his friends and family that would be able (or not) to back his allegations up, much less access to his wife who is really the only one who can validate or not if he's still having sex with her.

 

Not always - sometimes there are other (disinterested, and thus far more reliable) sources, too...

[jasminetea]

Not always - sometimes there are other (disinterested, and thus far more reliable) sources, too...

 

Ewwwwwwww!

 

[tami-chan]

I find it the pinnacle of absurdity for an OW to buy into the idea that there is no legitimacy to a marriage and that there is no sex in the marriage simply because the cheating spouse 'says so'. If monogamy is important to the OW then ... of course that is what the MM will say. How else can they have their cake and eat it too?

 

 

Why is it absurd? If my H told his OWs( which I am sure he did) that we were NOT having sex, it was the truth! Our marriage was a partnership in child rearing and finances. So yes, for all intents and purposes our marriage while still legally binding was over.

 

Besides have you read other threads about people complaining about "sexless marriages". Denying that does not make it untrue.

[jennie-jennie]

It would appear from the evidence of this board that many if not most, OW don't seek a second opinion. In many cases it seems that its just not possible to do so anyway. The OW is kept a secret so she's not going to have access to his friends and family that would be able (or not) to back his allegations up, much less access to his wife who is really the only one who can validate or not if he's still having sex with her.

 

There is usually only so much sex to be had from a man. If you fill that quota, there won't be much left for the W to have.

[donnamaybe]

There is usually only so much sex to be had from a man. If you fill that quota, there won't be much left for the W to have.

 

If that's all a person strives for - to be someone's sex-quota-filler - that's kinda sad.

[donnamaybe]

Most people are bright enough to spot the hidden agenda and get a second opinion.

 

But people shopping for a windshield aren't in the hormone induced fog.

[silktricks]

but instrumental to that is another person who also wants him to change and took the time to make him see the"light"(so to speak)-somebody willing to wait in the wings for him to work on his issues.

 

The point IMO is what I've bolded. The BS is rarely that person who is "willing to wait in the wings for him/her". The BS is the one who generally speaking says "if you don't want to be here, then leave - and leave NOW, but if you do want to be here, then it will be with me alone, no other people are going to be involved".

 

There is no waiting in the wings. There is no, "I want to help you change". There is none of what you've implied about wanting to help the MM "straighten out", nor claiming to have helped him do so. It's totally on the person who has cheated to straighten out his/her own self. The BS is often willing to work on the marriage and the problems therein (if they don't simply divorce immediately), but only rarely is the BS willing to "wait in the wings" while the poor MM "finds himself" or "straightens out".

 

That does, however, appear to be the role many OW/OM choose. They wait. Some do not - for example GEL, who is now happily married with the fMM. Had she not acted, the man would probably still be married to his first wife and GEL would still be the OW. Waiting in the wings doesn't work, not for the BS nor for the OW. It's a path to continual waiting and continued disappointment.

[Lovely10]

If that's all a person strives for - to be someone's sex-quota-filler - that's kinda sad.

 

Sad doesn't even begin to approximate it.

[OWoman]

But people shopping for a windshield aren't in the hormone induced fog.

 

Bad analogy. Someone shopping for a R would be adversely affected by a "hormone induced fog". Someone shopping for a windscreen would be adversely affected by feeling out of their depth around car stuff.

 

But my point was, the person ISN'T shopping for a windscreen. And some windscreen salesman telling them they need one isn't going to convince them they do - at least, not until someone else that they trust, who doesn't stand to gain by the outcome one way or another, confirms it. For most people, anyway.

[OWoman]

It would appear from the evidence of this board that many if not most, OW don't seek a second opinion. In many cases it seems that its just not possible to do so anyway. The OW is kept a secret so she's not going to have access to his friends and family that would be able (or not) to back his allegations up, much less access to his wife who is really the only one who can validate or not if he's still having sex with her.

 

There are other kinds of evidence, beyond hearsay.

[donnamaybe]

Bad analogy. Someone shopping for a R would be adversely affected by a "hormone induced fog". Someone shopping for a windscreen would be adversely affected by feeling out of their depth around car stuff.

 

But my point was, the person ISN'T shopping for a windscreen. And some windscreen salesman telling them they need one isn't going to convince them they do - at least, not until someone else that they trust, who doesn't stand to gain by the outcome one way or another, confirms it. For most people, anyway.

 

Oh, but then you have some man (or woman) playing the part of the oh-so-charming wounded, misunderstood marriage partner who is being wronged by their spouse convincing someone they need to be saved by this new, wonderful person! And this new, wonderful person buys into it, hook, line, and sinker. Emotion is involved. No one else NEEDS to tell this person anything about this poor, misunderstood MP. They are in LUUUUUVVVVVV!!!!! And ANY common sense flies RIGHT out the window.

 

In MOST cases. We've all read the stories.

[fooled once]

Anybody who believes anything from a single, potentially interested, source is taking a risk. Would you believe that your car needs a new windscreen because a passing windscreen salesman says so? Would you check in for a facelift because a cosmetic surgeon you met at a dinner party said it would really help you? Most people are bright enough to spot the hidden agenda and get a second opinion.

 

And, when the MM's friends, family and colleagues all agree that the MM's M is dead / abusive / etc, there are usually grounds for it - evidence built up over the years, in many different situations.

 

OW - I love these analogies!!!

[jasminetea]

There are other kinds of evidence, beyond hearsay.

 

Again, ewwwww!

 

 

Seriously, apart from medical checks (ewwwww!) or viewing the married couple every time they're together I can't imagine what else could prove they're not having sex.

[NoIDidn't]

The point IMO is what I've bolded. The BS is rarely that person who is "willing to wait in the wings for him/her". The BS is the one who generally speaking says "if you don't want to be here, then leave - and leave NOW, but if you do want to be here, then it will be with me alone, no other people are going to be involved".

 

There is no waiting in the wings. There is no, "I want to help you change". There is none of what you've implied about wanting to help the MM "straighten out", nor claiming to have helped him do so. It's totally on the person who has cheated to straighten out his/her own self. The BS is often willing to work on the marriage and the problems therein (if they don't simply divorce immediately), but only rarely is the BS willing to "wait in the wings" while the poor MM "finds himself" or "straightens out".

 

The last time I checked, a W isn't waiting in the wings anyway - she's center stage. Whether the APs want to admit it or not. Everything is orchestrated around her maintaining center stage so that she can't check the wings for lurkers.

 

That does, however, appear to be the role many OW/OM choose. They wait. Some do not - for example GEL, who is now happily married with the fMM. Had she not acted, the man would probably still be married to his first wife and GEL would still be the OW. Waiting in the wings doesn't work, not for the BS nor for the OW. It's a path to continual waiting and continued disappointment.

 

This is where I disagree. GEL would not have settled for being his OW any longer. She had left him enough times and the last time seemed really final until HE stepped up and actually made moves to divorce.

 

This is where many OW go wrong. They do wait. And waiting doesn't seem to work unless you are already married to the MM. A W can wait out the indecision in ways that an OW can't.

[GreenEyedLady]

This is where I disagree. GEL would not have settled for being his OW any longer. She had left him enough times and the last time seemed really final until HE stepped up and actually made moves to divorce.

 

You are so right, I was so OVER being the OW. I knew what I wanted, knew I could get it from someone else, if not him and knew that I would survive.

 

He saw the writing on the wall and, the rest is history.

 

I think you have to respect yourself, before anyone else will respect you.

[silktricks]

This is where I disagree. GEL would not have settled for being his OW any longer. She had left him enough times and the last time seemed really final until HE stepped up and actually made moves to divorce.

 

This is where many OW go wrong. They do wait. And waiting doesn't seem to work unless you are already married to the MM. A W can wait out the indecision in ways that an OW can't.

 

:) That's what I meant... GEL ACTED. She didn't wait in the wings. She said NO MORE.

 

If she hadn't - in other words - if she had been a different person, one who was willing to "wait in the wings" - under THOSE conditions she'd still be stuck in the place where she was... but she's not that person.

[NoIDidn't]

:) That's what I meant... GEL ACTED. She didn't wait in the wings. She said NO MORE.

 

If she hadn't - in other words - if she had been a different person, one who was willing to "wait in the wings" - under THOSE conditions she'd still be stuck in the place where she was... but she's not that person.

 

I agree. But I want to add about "that person" that waits. This not a dig at Misty, who started this thread, just a general statement that can be beat up 'til the cows come home, lol.

 

Its usually "that person" that "waits" that has the worse time in affairs. Too afraid to leave the A because he might actually leave and then get with someone else. Too afraid to call it quits because they really love him and don't feel that there is someone else out there for them. Too afraid to leave the A because the marriage might get better in her absence and he will forget about her because he's happily married again.

 

See where I am going? A lot of fear, and not a lot of love. Perfect love casts out fear (where is BNB when I need her, LOL). Love isn't based in fear and "that person" usually can't tell the difference. They think they are waiting because of love, when they are really wasting their time because of fear. And yes, the same can also be said about the BS.

[donnamaybe]

I think you have to respect yourself, before anyone else will respect you.

 

Truer words were never spoken! Good one!!

[Sanafa]

The last time I checked' date=' a W isn't waiting in the wings anyway - she's center stage. Whether the APs want to admit it or not. Everything is orchestrated around her maintaining center stage so that she can't check the wings for lurkers.[/b']

 

This is where I disagree. GEL would not have settled for being his OW any longer. She had left him enough times and the last time seemed really final until HE stepped up and actually made moves to divorce.

 

This is where many OW go wrong. They do wait. And waiting doesn't seem to work unless you are already married to the MM. A W can wait out the indecision in ways that an OW can't.

 

 

Again NID... I understand why you have to think that.. I really do... but not even close to the case for all. You need to believe that... but when people tell you like myself that wasn't even remotely the case.... you won't hear it for a second.

 

I never was second.... I did not rearrange my life for her... at anytime.

 

We were together on avg 3 or 4 times a week....... out in public.... at events..... and to be really honest..... many times with friends including his. If I had an event that I want us to attend... I told him, and he made it happen.... twice we changed plans both because of sickness with his mother.... and even then texts from the hospital.

 

We did lunch...shopped..... talked about stress of work... the girls and literally "were"....took overnight trips and went on work trips together when possible..... I was not second... which is one of the reason it was so difficult to become second.

 

Not all men treat the OW as the secondary.... not even close.

[silktricks]

Again NID... I understand why you have to think that.. I really do... but not even close to the case for all. You need to believe that... but when people tell you like myself that wasn't even remotely the case.... you won't hear it for a second.

 

Sanafa, I'm going to jump in here.... there are NO absolutes. (not even this one. ). It just gets really tiring to always write usually this or usually that or in my experience, etc....

 

However, what NID stated is USUALLY the case. The wife is the elephant in the room - absent but important in a very messed up way. Usually the MP rearranges things constantly to make sure the BS does not become aware of the situation. Is that ALWAYS true? Of course not. But NID isn't saying it because she "needs" to believe it. She's saying it because it's usually the way things are.

 

Not all men treat the OW as the secondary.... not even close.

nope, all men don't.

[Sanafa]

Sanafa, I'm going to jump in here.... there are NO absolutes. (not even this one. ). It just gets really tiring to always write usually this or usually that or in my experience, etc....

 

However, what NID stated is USUALLY the case. The wife is the elephant in the room - absent but important in a very messed up way. Usually the MP rearranges things constantly to make sure the BS does not become aware of the situation. Is that ALWAYS true? Of course not. But NID isn't saying it because she "needs" to believe it. She's saying it because it's usually the way things are.

 

 

nope, all men don't.

 

I get that.... so ok... fair enough... I often don't put the disclosures and get 2x4'd occasionally so I do know the feeling.

 

As similar as all A's are.... they are all just as different..

 

Work is calling time to step away........

[foreal]

Whether one is the BS or OW...

 

Coming in second just means the BS or OW is the first place loser....whether they were in the lead at one time or not.

[ladydesigner]

Whether one is the BS or OW...

 

Coming in second just means the BS or OW is the first place loser....whether they were in the lead at one time or not.

 

LOL Foreal this is so true. I am a BS and OW and you are right no one ends up being the winner on either side of it.