Who wants a cheater anyway: why OW wouldn't stay with the MM if they were the BS

[pizzagirl]

On the other board, there is a thread about why BS's don't understand WS or OW/OM (that's the "polite" summary). Anyway, there seems to be some curiosity about why the OW don't understand why the BS want to take the WS back. Basically, why do the OW think the cheater is good enough for them, but not the BS? So here's my take, other OW: please feel free to chime in.

 

For OW, the fact that the MM is cheating with us doesn't neccessarily make him a cheater by nature. MM often say this is their 1st A, that they are the prisoner of circumstance and obligation and claim to no longer have sex with their W. So there is a small degree of loyalty from the MM for the OW to cling to (even if it's all lies, and it usually is). Also, it's all out in the open - OW at least know MM is involved in another relationship (married), so there's honesty in the dishonesty, supposedly nothing is happening behind our back.

 

The BS has no such honesty because she doesn't know that her H has another relationship. There's nothing for the MM to cry "victim of obligation" about why he stays in the supplemental relationship because he's not telling his W anything about his girlfriend. But the BS and the OW are similar in believing that the MM is having sex only with them, and both feel betrayed when they discover otherwise.

 

OW also like to believe that the crappy treatment is reserved only for the BS and only because of awful circumstance rather than being a personality trait. It is not all that unlike BS's wanting to believe that the WS is truly remorseful and is not by character a liar and cheater. When we love someone, we tell ourselves whatever we need to - BS amd OW's have that in common.

 

 

Wow, I don't know where to begin with this post.

If you are having an Affair with a married man You are also violating a trust, you are a co cheater. You are behaving as if the the responsibility of entering into a decietful relationship leaves you blameless and all the deceit is the cheating spouse's. Whether or not MM is the "prisoner of circumstances" if you choose to enter into such a flawed relationship, you choose to suspend reality and say he is ONLY lying to his Wife, I know him., uh, huh. But then you go on to explain the "honesty within the dishonesty" to have such a relationship built on secrecy.

The idea for the Affair partner to feel the same betrayal as the battered wife is amusing as it suspends reality that the dishonest honesty had the same value as marriage vows.

You wrap this pithy post " when we love someone, we tell ourselves what we need". That starts and ends with the person in the mirror when you enter into a dishonest honest relationship...when you #@9K with the bull sometimes you get the horns.

[pizzagirl]

Why is it absurd? If my H told his OWs( which I am sure he did) that we were NOT having sex, it was the truth! Our marriage was a partnership in child rearing and finances. So yes, for all intents and purposes our marriage while still legally binding was over.

 

Besides have you read other threads about people complaining about "sexless marriages". Denying that does not make it untrue.

 

 

This is a real Taboo subject because it is in the Rulebook of Marriage there is NO Reason to have an Affair. If the person SAYS they are not having sex with their partner it is ASSUMED they must be lying. Why do so many turn away from sexual connection in a marriage then expect, because of a peice of paper they can conduct themselves in a manner they Never would if unmarried and dating.

If you turn away your spouse sexually, you are accepting the responsibility of your actions. To many hear the label "battered Spouse" is worn like a badge of self righteousness. I have been the cheated on and the cheater.

And got to play both parts in the same tragedy. A sexless marriage is DOOMED, and a spouse that expects fidelity while denying their partner is a fool.

My ex was abused as a child. never shared that with me. We had a great sexlife while dating. After the I do's soon came the alibis, the books, therapy, but never honesty. I did not want a divorce, I wanted to make this marriage work. Then I had an A, with a partner that had a spouse behaving exactly the same way: no sex drive. We made a "contract". No divorce, no outing, no clinging, no relationship, just a physical outlet and friendship. Did not work, the AP got clingy, then angry when i ended it and outed myself. I was taken to the cleaners financially, and my spouse laughed they never enjoyed sex with me.

I felt little to no remorse. In fact I was always grateful to the AP because once I finally chose to have a sexual outlet, I really felt the depth of the sadness to know my partner did not even consider ONCE what that physical dislocation did to me. They did not want sex, we were married so assumed i would not have sex, except the obligatory pity sex occasionally.

 

many As are just friends with benefits...but if the connection is real good, someone often gets hurt emotionally.

[scatterd]

Hes a cheater all he has to do is get bored or have problems and he runs to whom ever makes him feel good.First time cn lead to second time he showed what he is going to do when times a tuff.When the going gets tough the tough get going.