Fiance won't marry me unless his parents are part of our life

[SC980]

This is long - I wanted to get as much info out there as possible to try and get back some advise. I don't know what to do & need help.

My fiance's parents have caused a lot of trouble in our relationship & now we are at complete different places on where to go. I want to take a break from his parents - 1 to 2 years - to focus on us & our relationship. He says no. I also don't want his parents at our wedding because of their behavior & he say he won't marry me if they aren't there or can't be part of our lives. I don't think our relationship will survive with them in it anymore.

 

Background: Together 4 1/2 years, lived together most of that ( separated for 7 months 1 year ago) , engaged 5 months, wedding in 1 month, relationship had lots of ups & downs, been to counseling during separation

 

Background on relationship with parents: They have treated me poorly since they meet me. They tell me they don't want me around, wish I hadn't came, would like to see their son without me, I have ruined holidays, and generally act as if I don't exist & am not good enough for their son. They have also done some not so nice things to me. During this time my fiance didn't believe they were doing or saying anything to me. Only until about 8 months ago didn't he finally start to open his eyes. He has a very controlling relationship with his parents. They put a lot of guilt, blame, and their own problems on him which has a negative effect on our life together.

 

When confronted about this they deny it all. Over the past few months they have sent several emails to my fiance that he should question getting married, that I don't love him, they should have a say in our life, etc. My fiance emailed them many times in return & after not getting anywhere asked them not to come to the wedding & to stay out of our life if they couldn't be supportive.

We had a face to face meeting with them very recently to try & talk about these things. We told them how we felt about their behavior & his parents refused to acknowledge their behavior, denied ever saying or doing anything to me, & then said they would apologize if I thought they had done something wrong. I asked them not to come to the wedding since they didn't want us to get married and couldn't be supportive. A day later they made plans to come to the wedding & then tried to book a party for a rehearsal dinner (which we are not doing, nor did they discuss it with me).

 

I am really upset over all of this. My fiance was upset & trying to figure out why his parents are doing these things. Now he thinks that everything is fine & that his parents are trying to fix things by planning the dinner. I disagree. They are very passive aggressive & I think they are just trying to go ahead with things without asking. They already tried to take over the invitations & had a fit when I limited the number of guest. We are having a very small wedding - 20 to 30 people. In the past they tell him what to do & when to do it and he always follows along. I think they are doing it again.

 

We are so far apart right now that I am not sure that getting married is a good idea. We have been fighting for most of our engagement over his parents trying to take over our life. They believe that we should tell them what is happening in our relatioship so they can have a say on how to proceed.

 

Please help me understand this or get a better perspective on things. I have seen our counselor again alone & he agrees that the parents need boundries & that we need time to focus on us. My fiance is refusing. I feel like he is more worried about his relationship with his parents than ours. Am I completely out of line here?

[GorillaTheater]

Without going into depth on the specifics of your situation, my first take is that his parents WILL be part of your married life, whether you like it or not. You effectively marry his entire family. I wish somebody warned me prior to "marrying" my MiL, but there you are.

 

If this is unacceptable to you, you may want to reconsider the marriage. I'm sorry.

[Thaddeus]

Ain't in-laws a pain-in-the-ass?

 

Frankly, I think your man has to step up to the plate immediately and set some boundaries with his parents. Sure, he doesn't want to disappoint them and they're always going to be a big influence in his life, but the fact is that he's chosen you as his life partner and his relationship with you MUST take precedence over his relationship with his parents.

 

There are no half-measures here. He's all the way in with you, 100%, or he's not.

 

Now, arguing during wedding plans isn't anything surprising, it's a hugely stressful (and expensive!) experience, so I wouldn't really worry about that part too much. But his attachment to his parents IS worrisome, and it's nothing that's even remotely in your control. It's time for him to develop a spine with his parents and create some hard-and-fast boundaries.

[TaraMaiden]

Could I ask whether everyone involved is complete American, or whether we have other races here?

[Lauriebell82]

I went through this before. My ex boyfriend's family HATED ME..and they never met me!!!! They thought I was corrupting their son because we moved in together and said I wasn't welcome at holidays, birthday parties, ect. My ex boyfriend knew they were doing wrong and supported me but it was still very painful for me and I knew he felt torn. Our breakup was not solely based on his family but I have to say I'm relieved to now be engaged to a man with an absolutely wonderful family who I love so much. My future MIL is such a great lady, I can't believe how lucky I got.

 

Moral of the story: this will cause continuous problems between you. Even if he gave up his family for you he would still be upset and angry that he had to chose in the first place. It would still hurt both of you and continue to cause fights. I think you need think long and hard if this is the kind of life you want to have. He will eventually resent you, as you will him for the entire situation. Do you want to resent your husband?

 

I suggest speaking with him (just the two of you) and seriously consider what you are doing. Talk about what will happen if they ARE a part of your lives. Maybe you two can reach a mutual agreement but based on my experience I'm sorry to say it's not likely.

[hoping2heal]

He could fix this very easily HE could stand up to them. If he would do that, you would both win. He could have them in your lives, and they would cut their mistreatment out of you. I for one, would NEVER, I mean NEVER stand for my family treating my honey that way. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about my mother has "no one is good enough" syndrome. We have "rules" She is not to talk bad about him in front of me, for one. She can complain to any ear who will listen, but not mine. She is to treat him with RESPECT.

 

It seems like he should of nipped this problem in the bud a long time ago, it took him 8 months to take your side? I don't know, but that's a pretty damn big red flag to me. I'm not saying that means you should or shouldn't marry, or that your relationship should cease but do I think some changes are necessary or you will be miserable? I think you can answer that for yourself. Personally, I feel for you that the man who issupposed to be your soon husband would let his family treat you so awfully and never stand up to them. I mean 8 months? That's ridiculous. I could never put my honey through that. I love my family, but are they saints? No Are they infallible? No, is anyone? They aren't always right and they are entitled to their opinions but they will not disrespect him in either one of our presence and theyw ill not put him down to me. He's a WONDERFUL, wonderful man so all of their nit picking about him to begin with is nothing but hot air and being threatened.

 

He needs to understand you are going to be his WIFE, he needs to protect you, he needs to stand up for you. He needs to be a MAN.

[SC980]

Everyone is of the same race

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, well, fine..... would that make you all American or all.... something else?

[SC980]

Ok, well, fine..... would that make you all American or all.... something else?

 

I guess I am not sure what your definition of "all American" is?

 

We were all born in the US. Of course we have ancestors from European countries & my family has some Native American roots. The color of our skin is white, but I am not sure how that changes anything. I view a person as a person, not by their skin or if they are "American" opposed to "Australian" or "Canadian" or any other country of origin.

 

I am very troubled by your continued questioning about if we are "American." I don't know where you are going with this or how it has any bearing on what is happening in our relationship. Can you explain?

[Jilly Bean]

This is very simple.

 

As long as your fiance allows your parents to meddle in your relationship, and disparage you, it won't get any better.

 

His parents aren't the ones with boundary issues - it's him.

 

Until he grows a pair, stops letting his parents control him, realizes that YOU are his priority, tells him parents to back off, this relationship is doomed.

 

I'd definitely put the wedding off for now until you can see if this can be resolved.

[D-Lish]

I guess I am not sure what your definition of "all American" is?

 

We were all born in the US. Of course we have ancestors from European countries & my family has some Native American roots. The color of our skin is white, but I am not sure how that changes anything. I view a person as a person, not by their skin or if they are "American" opposed to "Australian" or "Canadian" or any other country of origin.

 

I am very troubled by your continued questioning about if we are "American." I don't know where you are going with this or how it has any bearing on what is happening in our relationship. Can you explain?

 

 

Many family practices/behaviours are culturally driven. I am pretty sure she was trying to get the the root of the problem by deciphering whether or not the parents are influenced by cultural-specific values. Not meant to be offensive, just part of the information gathering process.

 

Culture plays a huge role with family. I am positive that is all T was getting at, so, I hope you're still not feeling offended.

[curiousnycgirl]

She is trying to see if there are cultural pressures here - to be honest I was wondering the same thing.

[D-Lish]

Anyways- back to your problem....

 

I think you need to reconsider getting married to this man. If he hasn't been able to stand up to his parents yet- I doubt he'll ever be able to.

 

My former in-laws played a huge part in the demise of our marriage. My ex MIL was so controlling and intrusive, it was beyond crazy. My ex husband was so deathly afraid of his mother that he never stood up to her, more importantly- he never stood up for me.

 

If you marry this guy, you can bet that your problems will only get worse.

[Trojan John]

My mother went through something very similar with her now ex-husband. He had a very intrusive mother, and they were emotionally dependant upon each other. There is something very odd about a man in his late 40's still living with his mother.

 

If you think it's bad now, imagine what it would be like when you are married.

[SierraRose]

I totally agree. Your finace needs to set boundries and enforce them. It will not be easy. He has to be strong enough to do this.

I would seriously rethink marriage to this man. Marriage is a life long committment and it seems like his parents wont be happy until you two are destroyed. This is a long road. Good luck.

[shunter]

You need to talk to your finance. Tell him that you will welcome his parents and his entire family and all of his friends and anyone he wants into your lives.

 

BUT he needs to set some boundaries. It is going to be a small wedding, it is going to be ABC, XYZ. There are boundaries, you both are going to dictate them and everyone else is going to agree to them.

 

Simple.

 

If you cant do that, then cancel the wedding. If you need to hint at that (if he is very stubborn), then do it. You need to make your move now

[samsungxoxo]

Unless your fiance does something to solve the issue by either taking your side on not inviting his parents to the wedding (very unlikely) or standing up for you then I don't see this going no where. Personally if I were you and had a boyfriend's parents hating me, I would leave already and find another guy with wonderful parents. I don't need to put up with no hassles from no one.....

[KikiW]

Agreeing with other posters - you need to have a serious chat with your guy about this. You are supposed to become the most important person in his life, second only to possible future children. Is he planning on living with his parents? Is he happy when they tell him what to do? If not, then he DEFINITELY needs to grow some independence and cut off their awful behavior. It is inexcusable for them to treat you like they do.

 

Case in point, my in laws didn't like the first woman my brother in law married, but they put a smile on their faces and just waited to be supportive when the marriage failed. And it did fail. But they could honestly say that they supported their son, allowed him to make his own mistakes, and did so without adding to issue.

 

If I were you, I would also have serious doubts about marriage. He needs to work out this relationship with his parents, to the point where they no longer have such a hold on him. Is he an only child? He's GOT to be allowed to be an adult and make his own choices.

 

Good luck!

[stillafool]

Background on relationship with parents: They have treated me poorly since they meet me. They tell me they don't want me around, wish I hadn't came, would like to see their son without me, I have ruined holidays, and generally act as if I don't exist & am not good enough for their son. They have also done some not so nice things to me. During this time my fiance didn't believe they were doing or saying anything to me. Only until about 8 months ago didn't he finally start to open his eyes. He has a very controlling relationship with his parents. They put a lot of guilt, blame, and their own problems on him which has a negative effect on our life together.

 

You seem like a very nice person to me. Why on earth would his parents say those things to you and just not like you. What reason did they give?

If they did give you a reason did you tell your fiance?

 

It does seem that your fiance would support you and man up to his parents. If only you had proof to show him. Sooner or later he is going to want to see his family. This is a tough one. Can you all sit down and talk?

[Thornton]

Your fiance should have stood up to his parents long before now and told them that their treatment of you was unacceptable. He needs to do that asap, and he needs to implement some boundaries with regard to his parents meddling in his life. If you marry him, of course his parents will figure in your life to some extent, and they will be at your wedding... but they need to understand and respect the boundaries that your fiance has set. If he isn't willing to set those boundaries, there's no point in continuing with the relationship.