calithin83 Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 ive been dating my bf for 3 years and it irritates me that he watches porn, i just found like 20 videos of downloaded porn on his computer..it makes me angry because it makes me feel like he isnt satisfied with just me, i dont know what to do, hes young ..ive told him it bothers me but i guess hes just so into it that he cant give it up...i think it sux!! what should i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 So, he likes a little porn. Unless he's ignoring you to watch the porn, I don't see a problem. Sometimes it could make you feel a little insignificant, but he's just fantasizing. I am sure you fantasize too. If someone enjoys porn, it's kind of unfair to ask him to give it up. Sure he looks at them, but he's interested in YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnedays Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 Quite honestly, I won't lie... when I find pictures of nude women or porn videos.. or see my boyfriend checking out models/actresses ...I don't like it. LOL.. who DOES like it. Nobody can say that it makes them feel GOOD when their boyfriend does it. They might not care... but nobody feels good cause of it. I told my boyfriend once, just casually, that I didn't like it when he would be like "she is so hot... i would do her" when we were watching movies (because I never did such things---never have)... and he stopped doing it as much. Quite honestly, what made me feel better was to start doing things that he did back. It made me realize how harmless it is. I read romance novels sometimes and anytime I find some porn or a picture somewhere of his...I just think back to the fact sometimes I fantisize through romance models or I"ll think in my head... "wow"...if I see some guy on tv. I dont' think I do it nearly as much as he does (out loud or otherwise)... but I remind myself that when I do it...Its harmless and means nothing about my love and attraction for him. Now if he was checking out "real" women right infront of me... I'd give him a kick in the ass becasue it's rude and I would feel disrespected (unless it's some big breasted woman we both can't help but look at). Just like i would never stare at some real guy's butt when I"m with my boyfriend. Try some self therapy. Do it back. When you see a hot guy on tv...comment on it. Put a hot picture of a guy on your wall. Buy a magazine with male models... look at them too. And if you aren't visual like guys are... read a romance novel and get some emotional porn. You'll start to realize that it means nothing. Seriously, do it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Callisto Posted November 20, 2003 Share Posted November 20, 2003 after reading lynndays post I felt I also needed to clarify that if my bf was looking at real women like that I would be pissed. There is a line bewteen fantasy and reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 Maybe the next time he feels "in the mood"....you should tell him to go watch a movie on his puter instead. I bet he'll get the hint if you try THAT one a few times. Generally, I think porn is fine if it's not the type of porn which can lead to deviant hebavior (such as Kiddie Porn)....but it has to be 'viewed' in moderation. I wouldn't be particularly fond of him downloading a whole library of the stuff. I'll admit, alot of guys do though. There are several previous threads on this issue which have been posted. You can go back and read them...maybe get some additional ideas as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author calithin83 Posted November 21, 2003 Author Share Posted November 21, 2003 well i told my bf that i found the porn videos on his comp and that it made me mad, it wasnt the first time i told him..but this time i told him in another tone of way..without screaming or nagging, but just brief like this.."i found porn in ure computer and it makes me feel degrading and it makes me think of u in a different way cos it seems like u have me and u dont seem to care and rather use ure hand, it even makes me not wanna be sexual with u anymore" ...he understood and told me that he would try to stop looking at it....which was nice:).....but i hope he keeps his promise... Link to post Share on other sites
Jamie31 Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 I swear...every day there is a new post about this. Some girl whining because her boyfriend is looking at porn. BIG DEAL!! I don't know any guys that don't look at porn at some point in their life.....girlfriend or no girlfriend. It's not like they are out cheating. What does it hurt, really? It's just a guy thing, and if it makes him happy, who cares? You know, he could be out going to strip clubs, and buying hookers or cheating on you every night. He COULD be doing that. So be glad that he is just looking at porn on the computer. It's no big deal. Don't sweat the small stuff, hun. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 Can't there be like ONE official thread for EVERYONE to read instead of creating new ones for porn and stripclubs? It's all the same thing every single time. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 Originally posted by Arabess There are several previous threads on this issue which have been posted. You can go back and read them...maybe get some additional ideas as well. I always assume the person who is posting may be new to the site and isn't aware (yet) of all the archives and past thread topics. I agree with you Kevin and Jamie....it sure does seem like an epidemic complaint. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 I think it would be handy if LS had a FAQ section where the threads on these issues could be collected. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 porn is porn..... you either love it or hate....... i dont think its a big deal..... Link to post Share on other sites
Nostalghia Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 Ah Jesus not another one of these whiny "why does my BF love porn" threads! :throws up excessively from the typical NAUSEA as of late: Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 Hahaha, once when my boyfriend and I had just started dating, I walked up to the house through the back way (we both lived in the same off-campus residence when he was still in school), and my boyfriend's window was very visible from the back alley. What's worse is that his 19" computer monitor was facing said window. I almost died a thousand deaths when my two friends and I saw this very large breasted, slutty looking woman stripping on his screen. Honestly, even though it did bother me when I would come back from class and be in the mood, and hear that he wasn't, but find porn in his recently viewed documents when I would access the Internet, the porn itself never really did bother me. I just thought I'd share my funny porn story. We decided to knock on his door - well, my friends, did, anyhow, and we all still have laughs about it sometimes. He answered after a minute...I wonder what he'd been up to, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
foxangel Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 I am in a similar situation as some of you women. That is, my boyfriend, who I care about, is a frequent consumer of pornographic videos and dvds. However, my concerns are not really of a 'personal' nature. That is, I am not jealous of the attention/ time he dedicates to watching other women, and am not insecure that he prefers them to me or compares them to me etc. In fact, I am quite sure that he cares about me alot and desires me. My problem is that the porn itself, by and large, portrays women as little more than '****-objects'-attractive objects to **** and suck. The women's purpose in life seems to be little more than to provide an attractive hole for a man's penis, and further, the women in the movies are portrayed as being totally enraptured by merely satisfying that purpose. This is not a new argument by any means, and much discussion and research has gone into uncovering the multitude of ways in which mainstram porn demeans and degrades women, and then eroticises that degradation. Not only can these films harm physically and mentally the actresses involved (note that even though they are 'consenting'-actresses are commonly pressured into doing things they do not wish to do, or find painful and injurious. This also has been well-researched), but they can affect the way in which the viewer sees women in his or her life. However we live in a society in which these harms are not commonly known or recognised. Thus, any women may find her partner (commonly male) watches porn frequently and is aroused by it. For the record, I believe that both men and women can be aroused by the demeaning portrayal of women in porn. How to deal with a partner who watches porn? First, be confident in your disapproval. IT IS OK to not like porn. You may not be sure why you do not like it. That is ok. There is much written on porn wich may be of use to you. I know it is not fashionable in this society not to like porn, but that doesnt mean that the arguments against mainstream porn and their portrayal of women have no merit. Understand that your partner has been socialised to be aroused by porn, but that these doesnt mean that the situation cannot change. read male feminist John Stoltenberg for more info. Enlighten them to the harms caused by porn--porn is less arousing when the harms and demeaning portrayals are pointed out. There is an excellent book by Gail Dines, Robert Jensen and Ann Russo which analyses the content of mass-marketed porn which you could get him/her to read. Tell them that you cannot go out with someone who watches porn frequently. If they respect you as a woman, they should understand why the perpetuation and consumption of demeaning images of women harms you. This is what I am doing with my partner. I am being honest, open and frank. He can choose to keep the porn if he needs to. However, I do not have to stay with him under those circumstances. Best of luck to all of you!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bicylejunk Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 He shouldn;t be watching it if he has you. If you haven't been giving him sex for 4 months, then it's the porn is gonna start rolling in, But if he has you and you guys have a good thing, That sucks He shouldn;t have all that porn. Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 6, 2004 Share Posted January 6, 2004 Originally posted by bicylejunk He shouldn;t be watching it if he has you. If you haven't been giving him sex for 4 months, then it's the porn is gonna start rolling in, But if he has you and you guys have a good thing, That sucks He shouldn;t have all that porn. Absolute nonsense. I suppose you're not allowed fantasies, as well, if you're in a relationship. Some women need to open their eyes, stop being prudes and they may find a whole new avenue of their lives, with their partner. Link to post Share on other sites
foxangel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 "Some women need to open their eyes, stop being prudes and they may find a whole new avenue of their lives, with their partner" For me it is not about prudishness, jealousy, fear of sex or anything like that. Rather, i do not want my partner purchasing and consuming images which demean and degrade women. I understand that all porn is not the same, but nevertheless believe that much 'mainstream' porn (the stuff you find in adult shops, the stuff that advertises spam) degrades women. Here are some examples from the back covers of videos that are widely available in regular adult stores, and are considered 'mainstream': Gentleman Dirty Dave Cummings: “Caution; Ass-busting Anal inside” “He’s 57...and very clever!...Dave invites the nastiest porn starlets...gets them to suck his knob ended cock, then ****s them, and EVEN CRAMS IT UP THEIR ASS!” Sea Sluts vol 1 “Bodacious and buxom Harmony gets her tight a**h*** TORPEDOED” Nineteen: “You can guess what happens when a hot babe falls asleep poolside with two pool cleaners working about” **** em All 2 “More than a slogan...its a lifestyle!....**** em all! Filthy ****ers vol 57 “Slutty Blondes ...get royally ass-****ed, double penetrated, hosed down with hot sticky cum, and DEMAND MORE AND MORE!:" Women are thus treated as sex objects to be used. They are also condemned as sluts. Sex here adopts a more violent, degrading, punishment construct-with the women, always as its playthings and victims. Their pleasure appears irrelevent (certainly that of the actors is irrelevant) , though they are often portrayed as enjoying everything the man does to them-this is despite the way he treats or talks about them. I believe that the type of sex presented as desirable in these videos is harmful to all women-i thus would not want the person that I am sharing my body with-to be consuming those images, and perpetuating them. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 well foxangel, either your man doesn't see these porns as degrading to women or he really does think less of women. Alot of men do. Especially powerful women or they have built up anger about a woman that got the best of them. Also men that have been rejected by beautiful women love to see women being degraded. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Foxangel those women are protrayed like sluts because they allowed them to be. That doesn't make every women in the world a slut. Its the chicks in the movies that are. Some people have a more open mind than others. My fiancee & me watch it together and she has no problem with me goin to a strip club with her & having another chick give me a lap dance. She thinks it's cute. It's because she KNOWS i'm going home with her. She knows I love her & only her. For someone to tell their mate they can't do this or that, is just going to drive that person to do it secretly. Instead of making him feel guilty about it, why not get some porn with some hot guys in it & watch it with him. Enjoy life a little and don't take things so seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 When I first got into my last relationship, we had sex like rabbits, many times a day EVERDAY. I was extremely happy and satisfied. And I still jerked off to porn when she wasn't around. It has NOTHING to do with being dissatisfied or unhappy or wanting out or wanting something else. Guys are just horny monsters. That's the best explanation I can provide. So to ALL WOMEN OUT THERE: Porn is NOT cheating. It's an easier quicker orgasm where we don't have to worry about anyone but us. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 there is a difference though of a woman having sex on film vs. a woman having 5 guys buttf**k her one after the other on film. I can understand women finding that offense or the fact that there man enjoys watching that offense. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 AHhh, I suppose so. I've never been into the gangbang stuff, though. Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Originally posted by UCFKevin AHhh, I suppose so. I've never been into the gangbang stuff, though. that's my point. I was trying to get that across to foxangel. your porn watching is normal. You dig watching people have sex. You don't dig a group of guy holding some chick down and forcing there penises in every hole they can find. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 I actually was having the same issue with my boyfriend. However, I have come to some understand about him and what porn really means to him. I HATED the fact that he watched it, to be honest with you it made me sick. I am not an uptight womens, by any means. My boyfriend in I probably have sex 5-6 times a week and we have been living together for about a year. But, still the porn really used to get to me. Sometimes, I felt like he didn't want to have sex with me because he was getting his satification from porn. So, after several months of being anger with him. I took some advice from another post and bought myself a vibrator. I had never owned on before, but it was by far on of the best purchases I have ever made. i decided I either needed to leave him or learn to come to some type of understanding about porn. So, I did. Instaed of feeling anger with him, about maybe watching it, maybe not. I don't even care to look on his computer anymore. I reach for my own self-satification. It gave me a whole new understanding about it. Plus, I wasn't trying to do this, but I made him feel alittle bit of what I was feeling for the last few month. I think the main issue here is CONTROL. I understand. I love my boyfriend, I am extremely sexually attracted to him and I did NOT want him finding satifaction in something other then me. Well, he was finding it, so I was going to find it. So, he was not too happy about my purchase, we used it together the other night and it made him feel like he was not good enough for me. That he was doing something wrong that he girlfriend had to go out and buy something like this, why, am I not good enough. BINGO, the light comes on.. Sometimes the best way to make people see your point, is to make them feel that way you do. I mean I did not want to hurt him or make him feel inadequate, I was really getting fustrated and needed to find my own outlet. So, that is what I did. I took some control over my own sexually pleasure and stop caring so much about what he is doing when I am not around. Because, outside of the porn, there is NOTHING wrong in our relationship. Porn never made he stop having sex with me. Our sex-life is really amazing. It just made me feel like I was not good enough. We have a amazing connection, he is my best friend, he is such a wonderful guy, I am not going to let him go over something like this. Instaed, I did something for myself and took control over my own sexual pleasure..... Not saying it is the best method, but it worked for me.... Good luck, I understand what a ****ty feeling it can be.... Link to post Share on other sites
doniker Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Originally posted by Confused123 I love my boyfriend, I am extremely sexually attracted to him and I did NOT want him finding satifaction in something other then me. This is all selfish insecurities. My wife has a dildo and she uses it often. It is also bigger then my dick. We also use it during sex. Am I jealous or intimidated when the dildo gets my wife off? Hell no !!! Link to post Share on other sites
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