Sexless Marriages And The Men Who Get Suckered Into Them

[The Collector]

I pulled this from a post by Toodamnpragmatic in the sexless marriage thread. It's not her words, but from some magazine. I think the situation is unbelievably typical.

 

Question

I’m 39, mother of two; I met my husband in my early 20s. I “learned” to love him as he’s a great husband and excellent father.

Two years ago I began an affair with a co-worker, despite that he frequently treated me badly by lying and rejecting me sometimes. Still, I enjoyed the passion and excitement.

My husband discovered the affair and was devastated but willing to work on our marriage because he still loves me and wanted our children to have the best life possible.

I continued seeing the other man until the affair ended this year… with me heartbroken and depressed.

I don’t love my husband. We haven’t had sex since the affair started, and I still won’t let him touch me. I stay because I’m afraid of what separation will do to my kids. But every night in bed is like sleeping with a stranger.

He says he wants to be “a hero for the kids” so won’t go out with other women as I’ve encouraged him to do.

I don’t know how long we can keep this up.

 

- Devastated Still

 

First, note how there is no shame about what she has done, or sympathy for her cheated husband. She's the 'devestated' one. But the point I want to make is why does society and the media refuse to discuss the fact that so many women enter marriage with a guy they don't love (or have to 'learn' to love, ha) or find attractive purely for the security and 'good father' role he can provide (even if the kids aren't his)... until his usefulness is over and he's tossed aside like trash (minus half his stuff and his kids probably, though that issue does get some mainstream debate).

 

I've seen this plenty in real life. I see it plenty here. Has it always been this way? Is it because there are no real men left who can fulfil both roles as a sexual prize and be a good provider too? Is it that women take their marriage vows less seriously than before?

 

I don't want this to be a woman-bashing thread, but let's not pretend this isn't the way many many marriages (don't) work these days. The women, like the above, probably don't plan to do things that way, the men going in are equally optimistic. But can someone point me to anywhere this phenomena is being discussed? It seems like the whole of society has its head in the sand.

[sally4sara]

This woman does not represent all women nor do you know for a fact that the story you quoted is a true account.

 

Is this happening to you currently? How can we help YOU with YOUR problem? You need to tell us the details of YOUR marriage so we can advise according to YOUR situation.

I don't care about campfire stories unless we're camping.

[The Collector]

This woman does not represent all women nor do you know for a fact that the story you quoted is a true account.

 

Is this happening to you currently? How can we help YOU with YOUR problem? You need to tell us the details of YOUR marriage so we can advise according to YOUR situation.

I don't care about campfire stories unless we're camping.

 

Ok, we'll put you down as in denial then. Anyone who thinks these marriages aren't common is welcome to their belief. They can comfort themselves believing the quoted letter is fiction or unrepresentative of many marriages.

 

And if anyone doesn't care for threads about general relationship trends and societal attitudes, and is only interested in those threads where an individual is asking for help with their personal situation, by all means stick to those.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First I don't know where or what I have said to make you think I am female.....

 

What you posted was from ASK ELLIE a syndicated columnist, that appeared today..... I think Ellie's answer was spot on (don't always agree with her).

 

"Get a grip on your own runaway emotions, and the destructive charade you’re playing out in your home.

You and your husband both have raising children to consider, and should realize it’s not best done by martyred mothers and desperate fathers who are strangers in bed.

Have the courage of your convictions: You felt free to have an affair and expose your children to that potential scandal. Summon the dignity now to live a truth, not a lie, and decide to either stay as a wife – getting appropriate counselling on how to re-connect as a couple - or separate.

It is NOT a “best possible life” for children to be in an environment such as you describe – filled with rejection, tensions, and regrets, which will only get worse over time, and on both sides.

If you think it’s “okay” for Hubby to now have affairs, while you stay “for the children,” you’ve got a distorted view of what a healthy home life is all about."

 

Point is this woman again highlights issues I see over and over with women saying catch phrases and convincing themselves of certain things.

 

How do you marry someone and then try and fall in love with them if not an arranged marriage?

 

Why do you fall out of love, which is so cliched, unless your spouse has done heinous things, been terrible, friend, listener, confidant, a bad provider, a cheater, grown fat and slovenly? Otherwise try and stay engaged, happy and loving in your marriage.

 

Sorry but almost every marriage for better or worse is a glass half empty scenario.... If you look at the empty half you will grow miserable and out of love.....

[quankanne]

a friend and I have been discussing a similar topic, and I think he hits the nail on the head with his reply to my initial email about a girl I know who pretty much lived her life like a checklist: Married her high school sweetheart, had kids, realized she was unhappy, lost a lot of weight, dropped a bombshell on her husband by telling him she no longer wanted to be married to him, divorced him and is now remarried. Jury's still out on whether she's happy or not, but my guy-buddy responded thusly:

 

"I don't buy into the whole cult of fulfillment. If you can't find ways to be fulfilled in your own skin, if the other person in the relationship is just a means to your gratification, then the relationship is just an advanced form of masturbation. And, I'm here to tell you that, the morning after or seven years later, the feeling of having been used is an awful, soul-crushing sensation.

 

I think we're seeing a lot more stories like the one OP posted, that people decide they're unhappy, so instead of working on the problem, they opt to screw around or make martyrs of themselves by staying in a marriage they don't want to be part of.

 

people have a different understanding of marriage today: They go into it believing divorce is an option, and to me, that's a kiss of death, because why would they even bother trying to make the relationship work? It becomes a matter of convenience – or as my friend says, "an advanced form of masturbation."

 

get rid of the crappy mindset, and the rest will fall into place

[NoIDidn't]

a friend and I have been discussing a similar topic, and I think he hits the nail on the head with his reply to my initial email about a girl I know who pretty much lived her life like a checklist: Married her high school sweetheart, had kids, realized she was unhappy, lost a lot of weight, dropped a bombshell on her husband by telling him she no longer wanted to be married to him, divorced him and is now remarried. Jury's still out on whether she's happy or not, but my guy-buddy responded thusly:

 

"I don't buy into the whole cult of fulfillment. If you can't find ways to be fulfilled in your own skin, if the other person in the relationship is just a means to your gratification, then the relationship is just an advanced form of masturbation. And, I'm here to tell you that, the morning after or seven years later, the feeling of having been used is an awful, soul-crushing sensation.

 

I think we're seeing a lot more stories like the one OP posted, that people decide they're unhappy, so instead of working on the problem, they opt to screw around or make martyrs of themselves by staying in a marriage they don't want to be part of.

 

people have a different understanding of marriage today: They go into it believing divorce is an option, and to me, that's a kiss of death, because why would they even bother trying to make the relationship work? It becomes a matter of convenience – or as my friend says, "an advanced form of masturbation."

 

get rid of the crappy mindset, and the rest will fall into place

 

Great post! I agree with all of it. Advanced masturbation, and all. LOL.

 

Sadly, though, divorce is an option to many. You read it enough times on many boards. Couples marry with the thought that if things don't work out, they can always divorce. People help married folks cheat on their spouses with the thought that "their marriage only had at best a 50% chance anyway".

 

Round and around we go.

 

I think the situation spoken of in the OP is pretty common. But its only one situation. And I've seen it resolve into the best marriage ever once that person GROWS UP and learns to appreciate what they have.

 

This cult of fulfillment has got to come to an end soon. Its wreaking havoc in marriages, schools, on jobs, and in politics. Everybody is looking for a quick fix. They don't exist.

[sally4sara]

Ok, we'll put you down as in denial then. Anyone who thinks these marriages aren't common is welcome to their belief. They can comfort themselves believing the quoted letter is fiction or unrepresentative of many marriages.

 

And if anyone doesn't care for threads about general relationship trends and societal attitudes, and is only interested in those threads where an individual is asking for help with their personal situation, by all means stick to those.

 

I don't believe it doesn't happen, I just don't believe it is commonly an intentional situation willfully perpetrated by rampant hordes of selfish women who premeditated to sucker unwitting wonderful men into sexless marriages while they got their rocks off with the hot intern stud at their office. I don't believe it is EVER that easily explained anywhere other than in a porn plot.

Stop watching porn perhaps?

Also

Sexless marriage something only men deal with.

Nor is infidelity anything new or something only men have happen to them.

Yet - we have your thread title......as though no woman is unhappily in a sexless marriage with a man who is cheating on her (or even NOT cheating on her but not wanting to have sex with her).

Concern yourself with the problems YOU have in YOUR life and not what might happen to you some ambiguous day.

Why?

Because these inflammatory websites and magazines are not reporting actual numbers or facts; they are only intended to pit the genders against each other because it sells.

I'm not sure why some people who are not even in a marriage seek this subject matter out to get in a twist over......

 

Can you explain why you are so interested in something you claim you're not going through?

[The Collector]

First I don't know where or what I have said to make you think I am female.....

 

I'm sorry, I have a cold.

[sally4sara]

a friend and I have been discussing a similar topic, and I think he hits the nail on the head with his reply to my initial email about a girl I know who pretty much lived her life like a checklist: Married her high school sweetheart, had kids, realized she was unhappy, lost a lot of weight, dropped a bombshell on her husband by telling him she no longer wanted to be married to him, divorced him and is now remarried. Jury's still out on whether she's happy or not, but my guy-buddy responded thusly:

 

"I don't buy into the whole cult of fulfillment. If you can't find ways to be fulfilled in your own skin, if the other person in the relationship is just a means to your gratification, then the relationship is just an advanced form of masturbation. And, I'm here to tell you that, the morning after or seven years later, the feeling of having been used is an awful, soul-crushing sensation.

 

I think we're seeing a lot more stories like the one OP posted, that people decide they're unhappy, so instead of working on the problem, they opt to screw around or make martyrs of themselves by staying in a marriage they don't want to be part of.

 

people have a different understanding of marriage today: They go into it believing divorce is an option, and to me, that's a kiss of death, because why would they even bother trying to make the relationship work? It becomes a matter of convenience – or as my friend says, "an advanced form of masturbation."

 

get rid of the crappy mindset, and the rest will fall into place

 

Ahh, but do you believe she married her first husband with the intent that one day she would do all this? Would you say she "suckered" the guy into a sexless marriage? It was all a ruse from day one or even year one?

[The Collector]

Ahh, but do you believe she married her first husband with the intent that one day she would do all this? Would you say she "suckered" the guy into a sexless marriage? It was all a ruse from day one or even year one?

 

Whatever the answer, I thought one woman isn't representative of them all?

 

To reiterate, I am not just talking about marriages that don't work out. I am talking about women marrying men they know they don't find attractive, know they will not be sexual with once they get a few kids (or the bad-boy ex's kids get a new daddy), and know are primarily marrying for the reliability and stability and financial security... until the kids are old enough to cope with a divorce (or maybe earlier). Of course they do not tell the poor beta provider this, they pretend to be in love, and he usually falls in love for real and is heart-broken/suicidal when he realises the sham.

 

Of course not all marriages fit this pattern. But so many do.

[sally4sara]

Whatever the answer, I thought one woman isn't representative of them all?

 

To reiterate, I am not just talking about marriages that don't work out. I am talking about women marrying men they know they don't find attractive, know they will not be sexual with once they get a few kids (or the bad-boy ex's kids get a new daddy), and know are primarily marrying for the reliability and stability and financial security... until the kids are old enough to cope with a divorce (or maybe earlier). Of course they do not tell the poor beta provider this, they pretend to be in love, and he usually falls in love for real and is heart-broken/suicidal when he realises the sham.

 

Of course not all marriages fit this pattern. But so many do.

 

Thank you for clearing that up as your original post seems to indicate that sexless marriages are due to women who have intentionally married for traditional reasons and not for love that happened to turn sour.

[Devil Inside]

I wonder if it's a thing where some people can never be happy with just one person. That one person can never fulfill all those roles.

 

Maybe they find that the kind of man that they would want as a father of their children and as a domestic partner is not the same kind of guy that they would like to have sex with.

 

I agree that people get married too young and for the wrong reasons. I know I did. However, once in that situation you do have a choice to work on it...I also agree that many throw in the towel early or act out rather than go through the hard work of martial counseling. Once again, that is my experience.

[carhill]

A marriage devoid of sex and physical intimacy is the absolute worst form of the friendzone that can be foisted upon a man. 'Suckering' a man into one is emotional abuse by deception. I see a waterboard in her future

[LucreziaBorgia]

I've known a few 'bait and switch' women. The come on like sex goddesses and give the most amazing sex until they get married/settled. Then, they cut it off. Why? Because sex is only a means to an end for them. They never liked it much to begin with.

[Thaddeus]

I've known a few 'bait and switch' women. The come on like sex goddesses and give the most amazing sex until they get married/settled. Then, they cut it off. Why? Because sex is only a means to an end for them. They never liked it much to begin with.

Unfortunately, I've seen this as well, over and over and over again. Lived it too.

[carhill]

And then they'll meter it out just enough to keep the man from bolting, along with a good dose of guilt and manipulation.

 

It didn't occur to me until today that such a marriage really is the 'friendzone', except with legal bonds. Yuck

[GorillaTheater]

It didn't occur to me until today that such a marriage really is the 'friendzone', except with legal bonds. Yuck

 

An excellent way to characterize it.

[Woggle]

This is how many women are. Men need to to have a prenup with an escape clause that deals with this issue just in case it comes up. My theory is that women want what they can't have and view any type of contentment with their current situation as a form of settling. No matter how great a man you aim to be most women simply are unpleasable and the sooner men realize that the better our lives will be.

[Holding-On]

I've known a few 'bait and switch' women. The come on like sex goddesses and give the most amazing sex until they get married/settled. Then, they cut it off. Why? Because sex is only a means to an end for them. They never liked it much to begin with.

 

Meh. There are plenty of men who, once they marry, stop all romance and most hygiene. Like the women above it was not something they enjoyed, just a means to an end.

[carhill]

Definitely start a thread on that and I'll comment

[OpenBook]

In the majority of marriages I've seen, the spouses treat each other like sh*t. All their worst personality traits come out, while the good qualities take a backseat. They just let themselves go, physically and mentally. And there seems to be no motivation for them to behave better toward each other.

 

In this environment, it's not surprising that sex becomes non-existent between them.

 

Marriage stinks. Pee-yew. You want a great sex life? Stay single!!

[mem11363]

Just one mans theory:

 

An intense lifelong contract that is supposed to be sacred brings out the very best in some people and the very worst in others - men and women alike.

 

In the best - both parties attempt to make each other really happy, both learn how to be great partners and when the occassional disaster happens and they are in intense conflict, they rely on the marriage contract as a way to convince themselves to stay together because they "committed" to do so.

 

In the worst, there is horrible deception and masking behavior which comes to an end either right after the wedding or after the last child. But I think the deliberate deception like that is pretty rare.

 

So in the best marriages - both partners become true experts at close quarters emotional knife fighting. And both become experts and giving pleasure. And now you have a real game. I would never be callous and indifferent to my lovely wife's needs. She is exceptionally good at inflicting emotional pain on me. And I on her. And so when either of us has had really bad day and decides to indulge in a little "typical marital sadism", there is a little warning voice saying - "don't do it, do NOT do it". Because starting a knife fight with a determined and skilled opponent ends up being really, really painful.

 

But in many, many marriages they evolve in a bad way. When a woman sees her man as strong she is turned on, when she sees him as "weak" she is turned off. And so the tightrope the man walks can best be described as this:

- If he tries to "get his way" half the time or more, his wife will just think he is a very difficult, aggravating person and they will have a LOT of conflict which will kill their sex life and just make the marriage unhappy in general.

- If he simply strives to avoid conflict because he wants at all costs to avoid her getting angry at him, then she perceives him as weak and over time her body tells her to STOP mating with him.

- If however he can carve out a healthy area - maybe it is 10 percent - for us we call it my 5 percent - of topics where he is not reasonable, not rational, not movable. This is his "live free or die" stuff - and if he can assert himself in a hard, if needed harsh (but never violent with wife/kids) manner on those topics then she will find him to be worthy of respect but not infuriatingly argumentative

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Definitely start a thread on that and I'll comment

[Lizzie60]

In the majority of marriages I've seen, the spouses treat each other like sh*t. All their worst personality traits come out, while the good qualities take a backseat. They just let themselves go, physically and mentally. And there seems to be no motivation for them to behave better toward each other.

 

In this environment, it's not surprising that sex becomes non-existent between them.

 

Marriage stinks. Pee-yew. You want a great sex life? Stay single!!

 

 

I know both sides.. and trust me.. this is soooo true..

[angie2443]

Meh. There are plenty of men who, once they marry, stop all romance and most hygiene. Like the women above it was not something they enjoyed, just a means to an end.

 

I've been in a relationship like this. The guy just stopped bathing after a while. To be fair, he showered a couple of times a week, but he sweated and smoked and just stunk after a while. The relationship didn't last long. As far as the romance thing, I've experienced this in every relationship. In my marriage, I had to fight to get some of that back.

[Sam Spade]

That has always been a fascinating topic to me. I'm not sure of the prevalance, but just judging from the post here, it is way more common than I'd like.

 

The scariest part is in many of these cases men somehow allow to be treated like crap over extended period of time. It is not uncommon to see stories where this has been going on for years. I just don't understand how can you let it go for so long. It is not matter of getting sex as such, but being repeatedly turned down is prety much the ultimate humiliation in a marriage. So why take it instead of putting the hammer down and letting that ho that she should either shape up or ship out ? I am not yet married but want to be eventually, and if this ever happens to me, I'd sound the alarm within a few weeks at the most of noticing a pattern of rejection...