Separated 4 months ... H wants to reconcile

[Aquarius Rising]

Hi everyone

 

I've never posted here before but I'm a bit of a local on the OM/OW thread. I'll be honest up front ... I'm in recovery from a EA that led to my decision to separate from my H. The A has ended ... painfully as they all do ... and my H knows everything, although I was not strong enough to tell him the whole story until after we separated.

 

My marriage of 15 years (18yrs together... 2 kids) has been rocky, but mostly it has been my restlessness, unhappiness, unfulfilled needs etc. for the most part my H has been very happy.

 

After telling him everything about the EA, my H has offered to stand by me, forgive, work on the marriage and move forward. I know that this is an exceptionally rare thing for a H to do after being put through the pain of a EA and I am really struggling right now about what to do.

 

He is hurting and desperately wants me to come home. I am living on my own in an apartment, we have shared parenting of our children.

 

I am hurting, still bleeding from the effects of the EA. My H says he can't wait much longer I need to make a decision. I'm terrified of making the wrong decision i.e. to go back now only to find that I am still unhappy 6 months down the track and then put everyone thru the trauma of me leaving again

 

or

 

To tell him to move on with his life and spend the rest of my life alone and regretting that I didn't work on things.

 

We have had LOTS of counselling over MANY years .... I have begun to give up hope that counselling can help us...

 

I know these questions are too big for any real answers .... I just need to put it out there ... I just need to talk about it.

 

AR

[deux ex machina]

Has your husband brought up his discomfort about the fact that you are interested in reconcilation right around the time your affair ended in a way you didn't prefer?

[Aquarius Rising]

Has your husband brought up his discomfort about the fact that you are interested in reconcilation right around the time your affair ended in a way you didn't prefer?

 

Hi, My H desperately wants to reconcile our marriage ... there is no discomfort for him about me wanting to consider that ... I am the one uncomfortable about it ... for all the right reasons which I think you are implying here???

 

AR

[deux ex machina]

I'm surprised he hasn't brought it up - anyone with half a brain, no matter how much he loves you - would question it.

 

Perhaps he's desperate, and afraid of upsetting the apple cart?

 

I'd say that one good place to start, whatever you decide, is to at least give him a reason why you seem up for it now, rather than earlier.

 

Have you asked yourself those questions?

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Aquarius Rising]

I'm surprised he hasn't brought it up - anyone with half a brain, no matter how much he loves you - would question it.

 

Perhaps he's desperate, and afraid of upsetting the apple cart?

 

I'd say that one good place to start, whatever you decide, is to at least give him a reason why you seem up for it now, rather than earlier.

 

Have you asked yourself those questions?

 

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

I think because he is prepared to forgive ... that's probably why I'm willing to consider reconciliation ... that's why I left the marriage ... the shame of having fallen in love with someone outside of my marriage. I couldn't live with myself any longer. My fear is that he says he can forgive and move on but I know the damage that EA's cause ... I watched my parents relationship for 16 years before they D. and I don't know if he would ever really be able to forgive ....

[deux ex machina]

I think because he is prepared to forgive ... that's probably why I'm willing to consider reconciliation ... that's why I left the marriage ... the shame of having fallen in love with someone outside of my marriage. I couldn't live with myself any longer. My fear is that he says he can forgive and move on but I know the damage that EA's cause ... I watched my parents relationship for 16 years before they D. and I don't know if he would ever really be able to forgive ....

 

You're right - this is a HUGE decision. I see you have two children as well, so you definitely don't want to go back-and-forth and upset their world. It would make everything worse.

 

I know it is just after your affair, so I can't imagine you're feeling it at the level it needs to be.

 

Do you think it would be a good idea to date intensely, stay overnight at his place, ect...but still maintain your own, and try to get the bond back to the level a marriage requires that way?

 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but I'm sure it was SO hard to leave the first time. Yes, he needs a decision, I understand, but does he want someone back who could leave again? I'll bet the second time would be worse, for everyone.

 

He needs to know that, and if you choose to stay out of the home for now, he will have to make the decision on whether or not he can live with that - and for how long.

 

I just feel things are so up in the air right now, that staying put and getting help is the best choice right now?

 

I know it will be very, very hard...even to bond without living right there. That's where effort comes in I guess.

 

Hard decisions like these can't really be avoided.

 

IF you want to do something like this, though - I'd keep a time limit on how long it will be before a decision MUST be made. He has been in limbo for a long, long time...

[Surfer Girl]

Giving up the Ea may not be as easy as you think.... Perhaps you will go thru withdrawals..... The bottom line is do you love your husband enough to want to make it work????

[Aquarius Rising]

Do you think it would be a good idea to date intensely, stay overnight at his place, ect...but still maintain your own, and try to get the bond back to the level a marriage requires that way?

 

He has been asking for that ... for me to say o/nite at his place etc. as you suggest here... I am uncertain about that because I don't want to give him false hope .. what if we do go there .. begin a sexual relationship again and then I decide that I can't do it ... I can't go back to the marriage .. that would be so cruel .. I just couldn't do that to him... I'm trying to protect him from ME ... as crazy as that sounds!!!

[deux ex machina]

He has been asking for that ... for me to say o/nite at his place etc. as you suggest here... I am uncertain about that because I don't want to give him false hope .. what if we do go there .. begin a sexual relationship again and then I decide that I can't do it ... I can't go back to the marriage .. that would be so cruel .. I just couldn't do that to him... I'm trying to protect him from ME ... as crazy as that sounds!!!

 

No, I can understand it.

 

You don't sound crazy, you sound like you are trying to make the best decision with what you have to work with, today.

 

I don't know how you're going to be able to bond unless you really give it the proper amount of time together, though.

 

Yes. People can get hurt. I don't think there's any way to avoid it, that's why I really tried to emphasize the TIME aspect - the only protection is that. Yep - might hurt - but at least it won't be forever. You know?

 

I don't envy you, at all.

 

You only have so many choices. You only have so much time.

[Aquarius Rising]

I don't know how you're going to be able to bond unless you really give it the proper amount of time together, though.

 

You only have so many choices. You only have so much time.

 

Kind of like, 'feel the fear and do it anyway' attitude maybe???

Can I ask, Have you been thru something like this yourself?

 

AR

[deux ex machina]

Kind of like, 'feel the fear and do it anyway' attitude maybe???

Can I ask, Have you been thru something like this yourself?

 

AR

 

Nothing quite like this. No. It's a bit sensitive to share, with the things I happen to be going through...revisiting the painful past wouldn't be wise at the moment. I get the dynamic, though.

 

I have to say one thing, from my experience, for the little that it's worth - personally, I have not been able to love someone again (to the level they need), once the love is gone.

 

Yet I always regretted not really trying. I had my own reasons, just as you don't want to give him false hope...I didn't want to be vulnerable.

 

To my credit, I didn't know what I know now. Somehow I doubt it would have worked out anyway, it was too complex a situation --- the whole thing consumed itself, never having gotten anywhere good.

 

The very foundation of it was shaky. He wasn't always the nicest person.

 

You appear to have history, respect, empathy, all of those things are rare and special. I think it is worth a talk with your husband. Just think of what a freeing feeling being honest with him now must surely be with you.

 

Now imagine, many years from now, being able to look across the room, into his eyes and truly understand you made it through hell, you did it together. It's you and him against the world.

 

That's the kind of R. I want (maybe minus the "going through hell" part ).

 

Envision the kind of R. you would want with your husband, as much as you can right now. Know that it won't feel okay for a long time, due to the fallout, but stick with it. It's no one's fault if it feels very strange at first, so I wouldn't panic at first. Never stop touching each other.

 

I hope that whatever you decide, you can find happiness and peace of mind.

 

x

[deux ex machina]

Kind of like, 'feel the fear and do it anyway' attitude maybe???

 

AR

 

I think so. No guarantees in this world, but why not set some boundaries that you both agree with and try it?

 

Up to you, of course. Lol

[PWSX3]

I still think you need counseling because you will need to work on the grief of the affair & then work on your relation with you H. I don't think moving in would be the best thing to do until you talk to someone & do some work before moving in.

 

Doesn't mean you don't want to get back together but just taking it slow getting back together which includes not moving back.

 

Sounds like you H might be afraid & hasn't dealt with his problems.

[Ariadne]

Hi AR,

 

I've taken an interest in your story.

 

I noticed that you have gone through huge changes in just a couple of weeks:

 

13th August 2009:

 

MM flew home to his native country this morning to reunite with his family

will be gone for several weeks

after a month of intimate and intense contact

we do love each other very much

 

25th August 2009:

 

I ended it with MM last night.

After 21mths of heartache, a broken family (my own) and deteriorating mental health

it was in fact a train-wreck

 

3rd Sep 2009:

 

H has offered to stand by me, forgive, work on the marriage

I am really struggling right now about what to do

can't wait much longer I need to make a decision

 

Just make sure you are not trying to stop the pain of being so close to the MM and now know that he is with another woman by blocking him.

 

That way is just a temporary comfort. The next time you talk to him or get close to him again you'll be very confused.

 

Good luck with this situation. It's very difficult and you are standing in shaky ground.

 

If your husband loves you unconditionally like he says, he'll give you time to make a decision when you are sure.

[Aquarius Rising]

Giving up the Ea may not be as easy as you think.... Perhaps you will go thru withdrawals..... The bottom line is do you love your husband enough to want to make it work????

 

Thanks SG, it's a good question. I know that I love him ... he is an amazing person and has shown incredible integrity and strength ... they are awesome qualities ... is it enough to sustain me for a life-time... I don't know ... perhaps when the affair fog has truly lifted I will be able to answer that ... thanks for the reply

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Hi AR,

 

I've taken an interest in your story.

 

I noticed that you have gone through huge changes in just a couple of weeks:

 

Thanks A, for taking an interest at all. I can tell you with no uncertainty that I would not have managed to get thru the hell I have dragged myself thru without the ongoing support from the LS forum.

 

Yes, the last month or so has been like a giant roller coaster... so much has happened in such a short while ... and you're right I need to be cautious that I am not created false securities around me ... to replace the void that the A has left. Believe me I am doing a lot of grief work, I seem to be doing it simultaneously along side of re-assessing my marriage .. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it seems to be happening. Thanks very much for the input.

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

I still think you need counseling because you will need to work on the grief of the affair & then work on your relation with you H. I don't think moving in would be the best thing to do until you talk to someone & do some work before moving in.

 

Doesn't mean you don't want to get back together but just taking it slow getting back together which includes not moving back.

 

Sounds like you H might be afraid & hasn't dealt with his problems.

 

I agree, we need to move slowly. I have told him that I do not want to move back into the family home. I still have another 4 months on my lease here, which is comforting in that it gives me some breathing space. He wants me to break the lease of course? But after 18 years I can't afford to make any more mistakes.

 

AR

[Gunny376]

You need time ~ time to find yourself, to understand yourself, to understand why you went outside of the marriage.

 

You need time to get to know yourself, what your wants and needs are? What your looking for?

 

You need to time to forgive yourself, to get over the OM.

 

You need time to get yourself mentally and emotionally straightened out from all this mess.

 

You need time to heal!

 

You need time to grieve the lost of the OM and the lost of your former marriage that you once had. To grieve the lost of the promise of what the future held with both your husband when you first married him? And what enticed you to become involved with the other man.

 

Your husband is wrong to pressure you to get back with him ~ to think that counseling is a 'cure-all' to all that ails your marriage?

 

In short what you need is the OM out of your life and for the DH to get off your back. To give you sometime!

 

Time to sort your feelings out, to find your ground to put your feet upon and stand on your own. And to get them back up under you.

 

I realize a lot of folks would come down on you for the affair, but the fact of the matter remains that there was a reason that it came about?

 

And I say this not because your a woman? But because your a human being.

[Aquarius Rising]

You appear to have history, respect, empathy, all of those things are rare and special. I think it is worth a talk with your husband. Just think of what a freeing feeling being honest with him now must surely be with you.

 

Now imagine, many years from now, being able to look across the room, into his eyes and truly understand you made it through hell, you did it together. It's you and him against the world.

 

That's the kind of R. I want (maybe minus the "going through hell" part ).

 

Envision the kind of R. you would want with your husband, as much as you can right now. Know that it won't feel okay for a long time, due to the fallout, but stick with it. It's no one's fault if it feels very strange at first, so I wouldn't panic at first. Never stop touching each other.

 

I hope that whatever you decide, you can find happiness and peace of mind.

 

x

 

These are beautiful thoughts ... I would love to believe that is possible .... thanks for sharing ... I really appreciate it.

 

AR (hug)

[Ariadne]

Thanks A, for taking an interest at all.

you're right I need to be cautious that I am not created false securities around me ... to replace the void that the A has left.

 

Actually, I'm reading your first thread here. I got curious now and I love the way you write. You really put feelings in your words.

 

And security, not only to be with your H to fill the void, but also to negate the importance of the other relationship or dismiss it.

 

I think that staying with your husband may not be a bad idea after all, but some things take time.

 

Good luck.

[Gunny376]

You appear to have history, respect, empathy, all of those things are rare and special. I think it is worth a talk with your husband. Just think of what a freeing feeling being honest with him now must surely be with you.

 

Now imagine, many years from now, being able to look across the room, into his eyes and truly understand you made it through hell, you did it together. It's you and him against the world.

That's the kind of R. I want (maybe minus the "going through hell" part ).

 

Envision the kind of R. you would want with your husband, as much as you can right now. Know that it won't feel okay for a long time, due to the fallout, but stick with it. It's no one's fault if it feels very strange at first, so I wouldn't panic at first. Never stop touching each other.

 

I hope that whatever you decide, you can find happiness and peace of mind.

 

WOW! That's something we'll all be thinking about for the next couple of days!

[Owl]

I (as usual) agree a lot with Gunny's perspective on this.

 

Rushing back into your marriage would likely be a huge mistake for everyone involved.

 

You do need to take time to "get over" OM.

 

You also need to do some deep down soul-searching to figure out exactly what led to all of this...both the destruction of your marriage AND the failed affair with OM.

 

You need to understand what's broken...and where. Then you need to work on figuring out how to fix that, and address those issues.

 

THEN you can see where you and your H stand.

 

Because you need to realize that his faith/trust in you is completely and totally shattered, regardless of what he's saying about that at the moment. To him, at the moment, this isn't a big deal. But it will be.

 

Right now...you aren't safe for anyone to be in a relationship with.

 

You need to work on helping yourself get over all of this so that you CAN be safe to be with again.

 

THEN you need to prove to your husband (or whoever you end up with) that you're safe.

 

Your H forgives you, and wants you back...and that says a lot. But in complete honesty, he'd be a fool to rush back into a relationship with you at this point. There's a LOT of damage done...to your marriage, to him, to yourself. That needs to be addressed and healed before the two of you make any long term choices.

 

The two of you could consider starting MC...with a long term goal of eventually reconciling...but you'd need to make it clear to the counselor that there is NO rush.

 

Your H may not wait for you...and that's his option. But then again, he might.

 

But you'd both be foolish in rushing back into a relationship that's seriously failed once without having figured out exactly WHY it failed, and having worked to fix it.

[Nomad1]

I beg to differ and I am sorry to say this, but your husband is a fool. How can any man go back with a woman who sought extra curricular activities outside the relationship? He is a man like any other. There are basic instincts that are inscribed on our bodies and on our person. These are unchanging and will come to the fore at some point. He is too desperate to see it right now, but each time he becomes intimate with you, he will have repulsive thoughts about what you did...he may supress them at first, but they will get more pressing. If you love him as you say you do, do him the honour of not going back. There are certain acts which are unforgivable and unforgettable, period.

 

Do the right thing!

 

Nomad1

[Aquarius Rising]

I beg to differ and I am sorry to say this, but your husband is a fool. How can any man go back with a woman who sought extra curricular activities outside the relationship? He is a man like any other. There are basic instincts that are inscribed on our bodies and on our person. These are unchanging and will come to the fore at some point. He is too desperate to see it right now, but each time he becomes intimate with you, he will have repulsive thoughts about what you did...he may supress them at first, but they will get more pressing. If you love him as you say you do, do him the honour of not going back. There are certain acts which are unforgivable and unforgettable, period.

 

Do the right thing!

 

Nomad1

 

I am deeply saddened to read your limited beliefs about the capacity of the human heart, soul and spirit to love and forgive others who have made mistakes in their lives.

 

We would all be lost ...... in a world without forgiveness? ....

 

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Your H forgives you, and wants you back...and that says a lot. But in complete honesty, he'd be a fool to rush back into a relationship with you at this point. There's a LOT of damage done...to your marriage, to him, to yourself. That needs to be addressed and healed before the two of you make any long term choices.

 

I am the one pushing for a slow reconciliation. He wants me back NOW!, and says he has waited long enough.

 

But you'd both be foolish in rushing back into a relationship that's seriously failed once without having figured out exactly WHY it failed, and having worked to fix it.

 

I agree completely and I am in no hurry .... I do not want to make any more mistakes .... and hurt him again, but I am having a hard time convincing him of the work that we need to do. He believes it's a case of 'move on' and leave the past in the past?