Surfer Girl Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 He has to understand the past just doesn't go away.... It can't be like before.... otherwise you repeat the same mistakes.... Until he understands what makes a relationship last is communication on the past, present and future.... you don't hide from the past you talk it about it so you can better your relationship.... if it opens up doors of hurt, misunderstanding, whatever.... it still has to be addressed!!!! you just don't get back together and say.... forget about it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 He has to understand the past just doesn't go away.... It can't be like before.... otherwise you repeat the same mistakes.... Until he understands what makes a relationship last is communication on the past, present and future.... you don't hide from the past you talk it about it so you can better your relationship.... if it opens up doors of hurt, misunderstanding, whatever.... it still has to be addressed!!!! you just don't get back together and say.... forget about it.... I totally agree SG & thanks ... I think we need to give this lots of time .... he has not allowed this to really filter thru yet ... nor have I probably. Our kids want us back together, our friends want us back together, He wants us back together ... I'm trying to slow it all down. Some people are saying 'look he loves you, he wants you back, he forgives you' ... What are you waiting for???? But I know in my heart nothing is that simple ... there is a lot of processing that we both need to do ... and alot of exploring. AR Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I am deeply saddened to read your limited beliefs about the capacity of the human heart, soul and spirit to love and forgive others who have made mistakes in their lives. We would all be lost ...... in a world without forgiveness? .... AR Sure, you can love and forgive others, but you can never have a meaningful relationship with them. We all make mistakes, for sure, but there are always consequences. Life is too short and there are no retakes, why share it with someone who crossed the line? Your husband deserves a new beginning and so do you. There are children involved and for that reason, respect and civility are a must. Reconciliation efforts should focus on developing a positive parenting relationship, no more and no less. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I totally agree SG & thanks ... I think we need to give this lots of time .... he has not allowed this to really filter thru yet ... nor have I probably. Our kids want us back together, our friends want us back together, He wants us back together ... I'm trying to slow it all down. Some people are saying 'look he loves you, he wants you back, he forgives you' ... What are you waiting for???? But I know in my heart nothing is that simple ... there is a lot of processing that we both need to do ... and alot of exploring. AR Having served twenty year + in the Marine Corps and then retiring out here into civilian la~la land has been one Hell of a deceleration process ~ I'm here to tell ya! Its been like going from 'wrap-drive' on the starship Enterprise to first gear on a 62 Ford four cylinder Falcon coughing up 'cat hair' You cannot go from what you had to what you have? Like it or not? You've got to get over the OM. And that means greiving. Like it or not? You've got to get over the 'promise' of what your marriage was in the the begining when you married him to begin with? And that means grieving! Did he let you down? Did you let him down? Who knows? Who am I to judge ~ who am I to say? Only you and he can figure that out? Sufice to say? Someone's needs weren't getting meet ~ somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Sure, you can love and forgive others, but you can never have a meaningful relationship with them. We all make mistakes, for sure, but there are always consequences. Life is too short and there are no retakes, why share it with someone who crossed the line? Your husband deserves a new beginning and so do you. There are children involved and for that reason, respect and civility are a must. Reconciliation efforts should focus on developing a positive parenting relationship, no more and no less. Good luck Nomad, it appears that what you're saying here is that love and forgiveness is restricted to only those who have not entered an extra-marital relationship of some kind. That would exclude close to half of the population in my country. Owl (if you know his story) is a perfect example of a H who with enough love found forgiveness and re-built not only a meaningful relationship with his W but a stronger and more fulfilling one ... albeit not without hard work. Correct me if I am wrong Owl? And the way I see it, if that is possible then children are most definitely the beneficiaries. AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 You cannot go from what you had to what you have? I completely agree with you Like it or not? You've got to get over the OM. And that means greiving. Like it or not? I'm going through that process now .... no doubt in my mind. You've got to get over the 'promise' of what your marriage was in the the begining when you married him to begin with? And that means grieving! Did he let you down? Did you let him down? Who knows? Who am I to judge ~ who am I to say? Only you and he can figure that out? Sufice to say? Someone's needs weren't getting meet ~ somewhere? There are many important questions that need to be asked before reconciliation will be possible. I agree and I appreciate your thoughts here. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I completely agree with you I'm going through that process now .... no doubt in my mind. There are many important questions that need to be asked before reconciliation will be possible. I agree and I appreciate your thoughts here. And to do all that you need time! Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Aquarius > I understand from your post that the OM's departure prompted you to consider going back to your XH. Am I right in suggesting that you would not have entertained the idea had the grass been indeed 'greener'. If I am right, any reconciliation would be based on very shaky foundations. Why do people do this to themselves? There are millions of men and women out there. Why revisit old ground? Please don't say 'for the sake of the children' because they never figured in your earlier escapade. So tell me Aquarius, a serious question here, what was it like in your world when you were 'trapped' in the foggy bubble of Lurv? Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Aquarius > I understand from your post that the OM's departure prompted you to consider going back to your XH. Am I right in suggesting that you would not have entertained the idea had the grass been indeed 'greener'. If I am right, any reconciliation would be based on very shaky foundations. Why do people do this to themselves? There are millions of men and women out there. Why revisit old ground? Please don't say 'for the sake of the children' because they never figured in your earlier escapade. So tell me Aquarius, a serious question here, what was it like in your world when you were 'trapped' in the foggy bubble of Lurv? Nomad1 No, not the OM's departure. My decision (after 4mths separated) to tell my H everything is what led to his decision to offer complete forgiveness and efforts to reconcile the marriage. That is what I did not see possible. I don't find your posts helpful ... but rather they have a very bitter connotation to them... I can only assume that your own experiences of marriage, separation and divorce have shaped your views. I haven't read your threads... I hope you are able to find peace and happiness in your life. AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 And to do all that you need time! Absolutely, and I had that conversation with my H today. It is going to take time .... and effort.... and help and support. Thanks G for yours. AR Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Having served twenty year + in the Marine Corps and then retiring out here into civilian la~la land has been one Hell of a deceleration process ~ I'm here to tell ya! Its been like going from 'wrap-drive' on the starship Enterprise to first gear on a 62 Ford four cylinder Falcon coughing up 'cat hair' You cannot go from what you had to what you have? Like it or not? You've got to get over the OM. And that means greiving. Like it or not? You've got to get over the 'promise' of what your marriage was in the the begining when you married him to begin with? And that means grieving! Did he let you down? Did you let him down? Who knows? Who am I to judge ~ who am I to say? Only you and he can figure that out? Sufice to say? Someone's needs weren't getting meet ~ somewhere? Gunny hit it again, you have to grieve more then just the marriage that you thought it was going to be. Yes you have to get rid of the OM or it will NEVER work. There is a reason you had the affair & it isn't just because you needed sex. I also had an affair on my W 20 years ago and only until I started to see a professional that I now understand why I had it. I didn't get the love I needed when I was younger and I looked outside our marriage to get that love. You need to tell your H that you need to space to look at yourself, figure out why you did the things you did. Sure he says he can forget the past but if you don't deal with it then it will come back & bite you in the A$$ down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I am the one pushing for a slow reconciliation. He wants me back NOW!, and says he has waited long enough. I agree completely and I am in no hurry .... He probably wants you to move back with him before the MM comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Gunny hit it again, you have to grieve more then just the marriage that you thought it was going to be. Yes you have to get rid of the OM or it will NEVER work. There is a reason you had the affair & it isn't just because you needed sex. I also had an affair on my W 20 years ago and only until I started to see a professional that I now understand why I had it. I didn't get the love I needed when I was younger and I looked outside our marriage to get that love. You need to tell your H that you need to space to look at yourself, figure out why you did the things you did. Sure he says he can forget the past but if you don't deal with it then it will come back & bite you in the A$$ down the road. I completely understand this ... and agree. I already know that this desire to find more outside of my marriage is related to unmet needs in my childhood, namely a violent, abusive, emotionally unavailable father. I am having IC this week and want to discuss how I begin to slow down my H's wish to reconcile quickly. Maybe in MC I will be able to help him understand this more? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 He probably wants you to move back with him before the MM comes back. That would make sense, but I don't believe that is his motivation..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hi. Thought I would jump in here. I'm new (as you can see). I have been reading a book I think you might like. I'm a reader and I always think the answers to my questions are hidden in a self help book somewhere. Sometimes they are a waste of time but sometimes I find a real gem. And I'm going to recommend this book so many times on these boards that people are going to start to think I wrote it. HA It's called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay'. It really gives you a lot of ways to think about the relationship you have and decide what's good in it, and what's not working. You can find it on Amazon, for one. I have read it twice now and highlighted and marked it up. You might consider getting the book, it may give you the clarity you need. Also to chime in on your story, I think you need some time before moving back in. The EA was a sign of trouble somewhere (with you or your marriage) and just because the EA is over does not mean the trouble is gone. The EA is a symptom of a bigger problem. So I think no harm in keeping your own place and spending time with your H as 'dates', to see where it goes. If he's rushing you back in then he's not listening to what you're saying to him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 So I think no harm in keeping your own place and spending time with your H as 'dates', to see where it goes. If he's rushing you back in then he's not listening to what you're saying to him. Good luck! Thanks Mrs A .... the book sounds worthwhile ... I'm sure I have heard of it ..... appreciate your views .... and I definitely agree. AR Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 These are beautiful thoughts ... I would love to believe that is possible .... thanks for sharing ... I really appreciate it. AR (hug) *hug* * ...WOW! That's something we'll all be thinking about for the next couple of days! High praise coming from you, Gunny - thank you. * Have some ideas of what your next step may be, AR? Link to post Share on other sites
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