jamesmadison Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 I am still bugged. I recently terminated and ruined a friendship with a girl i knew for 5 years. She and I were girlfriends who met in college. We hit it off and helped weach other out during school, all the whole time I enjoyed her friendship, but always felt she was very opinionated and always talked about herself to others(especially me), she always talked about How She Was Such a GOOD person and what she did in the past and expressed her opinions, sometimes she'd ask me questions and answer them for me(she liked to control conversationsa and i wasn't very assertive) she had written off some of our mutual friends over the years for reasons i never felt comfortable with, yet I always took her side.... anyway, i hadn't talked to her for a couple of months, i felt changes going on in my life and felt "Why do I put up with her?" "were really two totally different personalities. Long Story Short....We had a phone conversation, she started talking about herself again, I said something she didn't like that sort of challenged her personality, she didn't like it and got really defensive and got kind of mean, so i hung up on her. Didn't call her for 2 months, then i sent her an email telling her everything I didn't like about her and all the things that bugged me over the years about her. But I still Feel bad for doing it? I just felt that maybe i could show her that she needs to change some things about herself because she doesn't "get It". But Now I STILL feel bad for doing it, should I? Link to post Share on other sites
BEASTIEGIRL Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 What did your email say? Post it! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 Well I supose that you rejected her for her faults whereas she may have been irritating but there was no pesonal rejection of you. It may have been kinder to tell her about these things earlier and give her a chance to change rather than writing her off completely. Maybe the fact the she was so assertive and you weren't meant you couldn't do this. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 I think this is nagging at you because you know you did something wrong and you lost a friend as a result. I said something she didn't like that...challenged her personality...i hung up on her.... Didn't call her for 2 months, then i sent her an email telling her everything I didn't like about her and all the things that bugged me over the years about her.... I just felt that maybe i could show her that she needs to change some things about herself because she doesn't "get It". Sounds like you went too far. You attacked her, when you could have just asked her to modify whatever part of her behavior was bothering you. Funny, but nobody likes to have their core self attacked. Compare the following: ATTACK: "You've always been so loud and overbearing, that's why no one ever wants to spend time with you and listen to you totally dominate the conversation. Don't you know how to shut up and let other people have their say? Obviously not! I guess you think your ideas are the only ones worth listening to." REQUEST FOR MODIFICATION: "Hey, do I get a chance to talk tonight? I really want to tell you about <X>." I would never recommend that somebody "feel bad", but I would suggest you go back to this friend and apologize sincerely for insulting her and attacking her. (No need to bring up her shortcomings or defend what you did. Just a simple "I'm sorry about what I said - I was wrong".) Whether she forgives you or not, I guarantee you will feel better about yourself and this incident will no longer nag at you. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 if you didnt like her as a person and her personality wise why did you still cont to stick around her and be her friend?? dont people usually friend with another cause they like them/like their personality? well since you confessed what you felt about her and she had no response, it was the right thing to do. it would've happened sooner or later regardless of your phone hang up. dont sweat it man, if you dont like her as a person, then she doesnt deserve to be your friend.....which she probably saw it coming since it sounds like such an egocentric person. you confessing to her what you think about her should make her realize her faults and maybe even help her grow as an individual Link to post Share on other sites
jamesmadison Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 Thank to you all.....I appreciate all of your input... It was a friendship that grew out of school but had started out as a work friendship. we both worked for student services and had to depend on each other for what we did for the students. All I told her was: Look, I apologize for not calling you to tell you this, but seeing as you always try to control the conversation and maybe i'm not the best at talking and speaking my feelings, i felt i'd just write you a note to tell you why i haven't been the one to contact you since our argument 2 months ago. I just feel I owe it to you to tell you that, Honestly, I feel changes going on in my life, my outlooks, my views...I think you're a great gal but there are just things about your personality that I just don't like anymore that i feel i've sort of tolerated over the years. You come off very opinionated and and egotistical at times. You always seem to talk about yourself and what you've done in your life to help people and how good a person you are, sometimes telling me the same story over and over like it's the first time i've heard it. It's never really sat well with me how you wrote off Kat for wanting to do something different with her life or how you constantly continue to make jokes or talk about Jeanie for telling you what she really thought about you when she left the country. I'm guilty of it too, but now it just seems stupid and pathetic to dwell on all that stuff. I don't really think we have much in common even though you think were LIFE friends... I'll still never understand why you didn't think it was such a good idea for me and my sister to go out with you and your sister that one time because..as you put it.. My sister was in high school and your sister was a University grad, so what would they really have in common to talk about, as you said. I just think that you think you can't do any wrong, but nobody's perfect, i'm not perfect. I'm not saying you're bad and i'm good, i'm just saying that i think you need to take a look at yourself. I wish you all the luck in the world with your life but, but i just don't feel like talking anymore. Good Luck to you and your family. After I sent her that, she sent me a 4 page email to defend herself. Her whole email made me look like I'm the one with the problem and she was sorry that she ever thought we were friends and she's going to do what she needs to do for her life and the only reason she always talked about herself was because I wasn't very talkative and kind of a quiet person and that was her way of releasing her nervousness. I never considered us life friends, but she did and i guess that's what makes me feel bad for doing what i did. BUT, I don't understand why she considered us Life friends, Just becasue I always agreed with her and was an EAR for all of her stories and would help he out with stuff? I'm just too nice of a person, but i'm changing now. I don't know....I'm sure i'll get over the guilt. I just don't know why i can't get over feeling bad. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted November 21, 2003 Share Posted November 21, 2003 you feel bad because you're a decent person, I think. Especially when you realized that this girl felt a stronger kinship with you than you did with her. You did your best in your letter to explain why certain things made you feel uncomfortable, and that you don't necessarily agree with how she treated people, and that's all you really needed to do. The fact that she sent you a four-page missive defending her side of the relationship can be either a starting point for the two of you to resume your relationship, albeit a little more honestly (as in, speak up when you think she's doing something you don't agree with), or a chance for you to lay the relationship to rest once and for all. I know that any good relationship takes time and much effort to make it run smoothly, but there's no rule that I've seen that says you MUST be subjected to behavior you feel uncomfortable with. There are certain things that I don't put up with in my dealings with others (lying, trashing people, using people) simply because I try not to do it myself. It just makes me uncomfortable. My way of dealing with it is to not have anything to do with those kind of people at all, if I can help it; or cutting conversations short when I'm stuck with someone like that. It bugs my parents to no end that I treat my sibs with the same regard, but I've told them (parents) that while I love my family, I'm not interested in hearing or putting up with bullsh*t from them, I've got enough concerns of my own without taking that on. They don't like it, but they know what my boundaries are. one last thought: you say you can't see how being this girl's "ear" for all her stories made you her life friend. By just letting her words float over you without giving a differing opinion, she felt that you were in agreement with whatever she came up with, thus the belief that you guys were kindred spirits. Until you speak up and assert your opinion, people are going to think that you follow their beliefs or ways of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
trying Posted November 22, 2003 Share Posted November 22, 2003 I don't think the two of you were compatible as friends. You might want to check this out, it would help with any further communication: http://home.earthlink.net/~hopefull/i-statem.htm Link to post Share on other sites
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