lupa Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me No more... Whoa-oo-oah-oo-oah-oo-oah-oah... No seriously, though. I thought I was in love before, when I was in high school. I cheated on her with like every girl I could find, because I was dumb and in high school. I really was fond of her. Then in college I dated around, and found a girl that I could have married on the spot. Something about her ruled my world. We went our separate ways, but kept in touch, and actually I almost chased after her to another city but I met the woman that would become my wife (and soon to be ex wife). Between college and my thoughts of chasing this other woman to the other city, I dated a woman who I am now dating again. I have very strong feelings for her, just like I did 7 years ago...breaking up with her was what led me to want to go find the woman from college, but unfortunately (or fortunately given what I have learned) I met my wife. So, fast forward to this morning, as we are laying in bed, I wake up, and just stare at her for like 5 minutes, thinking how right it feels. So I proffer the same question -- what is love? I never had this feeling for my wife, instead with her I had comfort and stability and knowledge that she would be a good mother who would make a loving home for my children. I loved her, still do a little, or at least I thought I did. I can't get enough of the girlfriend (current woman), and I feel about her the same way I did about the highschool girlfriend and the college girlfriend. (Keep in mind the current girlfriend and I dated in highschool, briefly, but I don't think that counts as we were really young. I did like her then, but it was more like a crush). Confusing? Yes, welcome to my world. Also, I'm still married...but on the way out. So, what is love? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Love is primarily a bio-chemical reaction in the brain to ensure the proliferation of one's DNA which typically last about four to six years (Long enough for the ensuing rug rats to learn how to walk, talk, feed themselves) closely resembling OCD via brain scans. It eventually wears off. (Thus the proverbial 'seven year itch') The brain receptors are the same that react to crystal meth and crack, which is why sex is so supposedly much better when having sex while on such? (I wouldn't know) Half of all marriages end in divorce, 62% of all second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce (re-bound and re-marriages for the most part. ONLY 13% of the half that stay married report being happily married. The remaining 37% stay married for the sake of finances, the children, religious convictions, status quo? The answer? Marry someone you would want to be with regardless, that brings a smile to your face when they walk into the room, that compliments you and makes you a better 'you' and you make them a better 'them'! Marry someone who you love despite their annoying habits and flaws you cannot stand but can overlook and or forgive. Someone your not afraid of giving to. For your not afraid of giving if you're' willing to give willingly. Someone you don't feel as if you are required to spend every waking hour with. Whom your willing to move aside from time to time and allow them separate space. Someone you never force to do anything for you in the name of love. Love is not bargained for. Love is not being afraid. Love is not fearing lost Love is not over analyzing your relationship Love is realizing you always have choices Love is a pooling of resources. That is to say that with each relationship you are not only giving you are becoming more. Love is not allowing experiences to harden you heart: rather using it to become more aware, sensitive and the person you were meant to be! Love is thinking of not in terms of forever, but of the here and now. Think of now? And Forever will take care of itself. Live in the moment Love is growing up together constantly Love is an investment of a great deal of time, effort and energy. Lasting relationships don't just happen. They are created! Love is recognizing that any and all relationships cannot be forever. Recognize their temporary quality but continue to act as if they are permanent. Love is respecting the other person's relationships apart from you. If the are important to the one you care about, they should be important to you. Love is never idealizing others. They will never live up to your expectations. Love is taking your time, moving slow,. Love is removing price tags from people. Everyone has worth. The excitement lies in discovering their value. Love is not being afraid of giving. You can never give too much ~ if you give willingly. Love is feeling that you are not required to spend every waking moment with those you love. Its moving aside from time to time and allowing them a separate space too. Love is realizing you have choices. Its up to you. Love is not smothering each other ~ but allowing each other to grow. No one can grow in a shade. Love is never losing touch with your craziness. This, with a large dose of caring will ensure your relationship will never be boring. Love is keeping the child in you alive and playing. Leo Buscaglia ~ "Loving Each Other" I really recommend his books especially his book "Love" He was the first college professor to teach a college level course about the subject of "love" when one of his students committed suicide. In so far as the bio-chemical aspect of 'love" there's the Feb 2006 edition of National Geographic magazine and Time Magazine of the same year, (Forgot the month) comparing the brain scans of people with OCD with people "in love" ~ (They're almost identical), and then there's the book "Brain Sex" (Which BTW explains a lot about human behavior) Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Love is when you think of your partner as a part of you, as one enitiy, united. That is to say you think behave and act for the good and benefit of both of you, you become "us" rather than I. To hurt the other is to hurt oneself. To make the other happy is to make oneself happy. To put in a religious way your Eve to your Adam. Your family. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Love is passion, love is sex, love is going shopping with her and holding her hand, love is sharing the eclipse of the moon, love is someone to share your deep thoughts that you share with no on else, love is candlelight dinners, Love is also her happily washing and folding all of my underware, not because she has to but wants to Love is me cleaning the cat boxes, before I pick her up from work, so she don't have to Love is me doing all of the cooking and dish washing so she don't have to Love is her working late, then getting up early on turkey day to cook the turkey, and making her awesome stuffing for me. I can cook a turkey, but not the stuffing. Love is her rearranging the furniture yesterday and putting the recliner in front to the tube, as it is football season, and her not bitching about the hours I spend watching the games. Love is me not bitching when she watches her judges shows. Love is bras hanging over the shower curtain Love is us arguing who will pay for the groceries, "I'm buying", "No I am buying" "Yes Dear, you are always right" Love is me pointing out the firemen, she likes their butts Love is good night kisses and good morning kisses. Yes there has to be passion and romance in love, but also doing and sharing the simple things in life Link to post Share on other sites
OnceTrueLove Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I have read some of your guys' posts and they are all sound. My question is when does love become secondary to a relationship - meaning that you can have an extraordinary amount of love for someone - and love them - but all for not. Is love different in every relationship, or is it just a broad term to be used loosely to describe everything else. I have been hurt in love - as with the majority of the people here, but why does it have to be such a tainted word. Does this even make sense? - at least it did when I was thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me No more... Whoa-oo-oah-oo-oah-oo-oah-oah... Show of hands..... WHO DID THE SNL HEAD BOB WHEN THEY READ THIS!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Love is what you want it to be. Love can be broken down into cold chemical formulas with brain receptors and endorphins. Love can be a psychological state brought on by primal urges to mate and reproduce Love can be a religious spiritual event. Love is different for everybody. For me, it is intimacy and connection so deep that the rest of the world falls away. That for those moments together there is nobody else. Just two people melting into one sharing all and hiding nothing. ....but then, I'm divorced, so what the hell do I know!:p TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 TOJAZ I SO DID!!! LOL OMG!!! ROFLMAO!!! I think everyone lables love as they want it to be...most of us want it all encompassing and involved in our lives...It evolves as much as our lives and our personalities but true love makes you stick it out thru the changes...Okay so I admit drinking some and not reading all the posts...I am with Tojaz...I am heading to divorce and so what the heck do I know... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Geeze, I always thought love was just a many splintered thing! Link to post Share on other sites
ryepatch Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 love is what perseveres in your heart, what kills the selfish instinct in you, what pushes you to trust no matter what someone has done to break it. love is like a cancer. . . it won't stop growing, and it'll kill you. i think it's the most important thing in life. i prefer this pain to the numbness of hedonistic, self-oriented single life. it might kill me, and my wife might not come back to her original beliefs about love, but i won't say that i gave up, that i chose my own life over love. i know this runs counter to the prevailing advice here. . . and i know i need to work on being a more autonomous person whether my wife comes back or not. but i am in it to win it, as they say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Ok...well... Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I absolutely think it's possible to love two people at the same time. I think affairs often start up with little feelings connected to it and then feelings of love develop. I think affairs are hard to end bc love gets involved and I think the wandering spouse doesn't want to leave the marriage or the affair bc they love both individuals. This is just my perception of it...I would never have an affair? Lupa, are you over your marriage or if your wife came back tomorrow would you give it another shot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Lupa, are you over your marriage or if your wife came back tomorrow would you give it another shot? I don't know. Thankfully, I will not have this problem to deal with, and I think I'm falling in love with the girlfriend all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Ok...well... Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Depending on the person? Its possible to fall in love with two, three, four or five. But generally it goes along the same lines as "Sex In Marriage" rules At first? You have sex everywhere! In the bedroom, the den, the living room, the dining room, on top of the roof! The second stage? You only have sex in the bedroom. The third and final stage of sex in marriage? Is 'Hallway Sex" You pass her, she passes you in the hallway and you turn your head ~ she turns her head toward you and in unision you both say ~ "SCREW U" Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 People can love there cats, dogs, you can love your best friend. I heard it is when you are willing to do anything for your partner without asking or needing anything back in return. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I don't know. Thankfully, I will not have this problem to deal with, and I think I'm falling in love with the girlfriend all over again. When that answer is a firm NO! in your heart, then and only then are you truly "In Love" with the GF. To feel love for someone and to be "IN LOVE" are two very different things. I think you want to be "in love" with the GF and she with you, but it is only fair to her if she stands alone there. I LOVE YOU MAN!!:laugh::laugh: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 When that answer is a firm NO! in your heart, then and only then are you truly "In Love" with the GF. To feel love for someone and to be "IN LOVE" are two very different things. I think you want to be "in love" with the GF and she with you, but it is only fair to her if she stands alone there. I LOVE YOU MAN!!:laugh::laugh: TOJAZ Well, because I listened to all the advice here, you know, take it slow, don't get involved too fast, be careful... Anyway, because I listened to all the advice here, I said it back to her last night. Because I do feel it. I didn't flat out say "I love you" out of the blue, but she said it to me on the phone, and we had just had a nice conversation, so I responded with a "You know I love you, too, don't you? You know I'm in pretty deep in a lot of ways, but I cannot deny the feeling I have for you." Good job, big guy, way to stick it out, take your time, and hold your ground. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Haha Lupa! Don't be angry with yourself, sometimes love takes over and controls you...remember, I still want my marriage and husband back after all he's done to me! Love is a beautiful thing and consumes you when you least expect or want it...in my opinion, go with your heart! Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 "You know I love you, too, don't you? . sorry to threadjack lupa, but i've backslidden a little today, and this statement really gets me. the first time my wife, er, ex said i love you to me, i actually later said the exact same words. too many memories for me to just let go to the wayside. we really had a beautiful thing. **** walkaways. i'm going to have to something with my life to help people in these predicaments. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Where are you going with this, MayI? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 What is love? A prison that makes waterboarding look like a fun activity BTW, Gunny, it was 'eat shyte and die' Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Where are you going with this, MayI? i don't know. i'm just swimming in my own head today, i guess. you're doing the right things with the GF. it's okay to love her. i'm sure it has to be difficult to get the full "in love" feelings for you right now. it will come. it takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lupa Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 i don't know. i'm just swimming in my own head today, i guess. you're doing the right things with the GF. it's okay to love her. i'm sure it has to be difficult to get the full "in love" feelings for you right now. it will come. it takes time. well, the thing is, I kinda start out each time seeing her with some trepidation, some anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I'm sure she can sense it, because, well, it seems like she can sense a lot of things about me. She can tell when I'm stressed or high-strung, and only once has admitted that she knows I'm thinking about my wife or my situation. She'll get quiet for a bit, but then she smiles and I can't help but kiss her...and then the pain goes away. That is why I'm confused. I don't think I'm using her to forget about what I'm going through, in fact i think it is the antithesis of that...I think I forget what I'm going through when I'm with her! So, is that love? Is love getting so lost in the other person that it feels right to have her fall asleep on your chest, when you never did that before? Is it feeling like you can't wipe a goofy grin off your face when you see them, whereas 10 minutes beforehand you were anxious and uncomfortable because you have just had your heart ripped out, stomped on, ripped out again, stomped on again, and then kicked into the gutter (and then stomped on)? I am so overwhelmed by feeling when I'm with her, and I find myself thinking about her during the day, more and more. I knew when I saw her in that bar, and I hesitated to go up to her, well, I knew what was going to happen, because I was so taken with her once before in my life. She wrote me a text last night that said "Wow. You are what I've been waiting for all this time." (hope she doesn't come on here, I doubt she does). I know what she has done over the last few years since we broke up the last time. Dated a little, lived with a guy for a while, was restless, transient in her world. The way she lit up when I saw her that first night, well, I knew what was going to happen. So, I love my wife in a painful, terrible, awful way, and I'm starting to love the girlfriend in the way that is all promise and hope and joy. ...and I'm scared. I'm scared that I have "sucker" written all over my forehead, that I'm the guy who cannot be alone. The timing of this couldn't be worse...but could it be like a corny-ass movie where I thought the world was ending and then a light comes down from the clouds and shines on me, there she is!? Could it be like that, or am I setting myself up to fall hard, get my teeth kicked in one more time? Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Love is turning to your partner, touching their arm gently, and with a sweet and tender look on your face saying "Babe, you know I think you're the sexiest and most wonderful man alive. Think you might take a shower today?" Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 you're not a sucker lupa. far from it. i imagine if anyone in this predicament may think that of themselves, it'd have to be the girlfriend. you're not going to allow her to feel like a sucker. go with it. all of it. if the feelings for the stbx are not those of pure, unfettered love, then you'll just have to let those feelings be there until the bitter end. i haven't posted it on here really, but i have a girl who is genuinely interested in me. i was around her with other friends a couple of times, and she has expressed that she wishes she and i had met under different circumstances. i got drunk and cried on her shoulder the first time we met. i felt like a total ass, but she said that i was the most loving man she's ever met. i just can't do it. i can't pursue anything that could potentially cause grief with my daughter. i'll tell you what love is whenever i find it again. for me, right now, i can say love is the feeling i get when i hear "daddy!!!!" , and turn to find my precious little girl after not seeing her for the entire day. Link to post Share on other sites
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