Parents' separation + relation with Mum on rocky grounds

[Pedigree]

About 9 months ago, I found out that my parents were separated. They actually have been separated for 18 months but the news was kept from me. I don't live in the same state as my parents because I'm studying at university. It turns out, that was grounds for trying to cover things up.

 

I had to force the news out of my mum. It was just getting suspicious how she started dropping in to Sydney during mid-semester breaks and when it was my turn to come back home, she's always missing on a "business trip". Don't know how they're gonna break the news to my older brother who works overseas. Feel sorry for my younger brother who had to keep quiet.

 

I played the role of the supportive son "Yeah I understand", "If you don't feel love anymore, don't force it" "bla, bla, bla". Then probably 6 months ago, my Mum got a new boyfriend. When she came to visit, she introduced him to me. We got along fine and my Mum seemed happy.

 

During my last semester holiday, I went to visit my Mum at the place that she and her boyfriend moved into. I hate to say this, but I felt quiet left out at that place. There were occasions where I was left alone in the living room whilst she and the boyfriend, along with the boyfriend's friends have a few beers out back. I was never asked to join them, pretty much was ignored when I went to get a beer myself. Call me attention seeking, but it's not like I see her everyday and it's not a good feeling to be left out when I'm there. I kept my mouth shut. Would've said something but Mum and I never got a chance just to speak 1 on 1.

 

After some days, I went to my Dad's place. He asked me how was thing at Mum's and it struck a bit of a nerve so I pretty much started to rant.

 

Holidays were finished, I went back to uni and then I got a call from my Mum. She told me my Dad spoke to her ("Call him, I think he has a problem") and got angry at me for speaking to my Dad with whom her relation has totally deteriorated ("It's only a matter of time before I ask him for a divorce"). I told her my side of the story and she got angry at me. Essentially, I got the attentionseeking moniker that I wanted to avoid.

 

Days later she said that it's all under the bridge.

 

Now it's the midsemester holiday at uni. She was supposed to come here and visit because business is taking her here. Now she says that she can't visit because business is taking her somewhere else. I can't help but get paranoid at the fact that she's doing this because of our fight over the phone. If that's the case, why the hell doesn't she just tell me instead of being passive aggressive.

 

My question to you:

1. What can I do to improve our relationship?

2. How can I do that when I feel that I can't trust her (After the efforts to hide the separation and her convenient "Sorry, my business trip to Sydney has been diverted")?

3. How can I do that when I feel angry to some extent at her? I honestly feel that my support for her during the initial stages of the separation has been taken for granted. It's like she wants my support to be unconditional, no questions asked.

 

Sorry for the long post. I tried to keep the paragraphs short.

[KikiW]

I can't say for sure, but here is what I suspect...

 

It sounds like your mom may have been unhappy for quite a while. She has been used to the idea of being separated from your dad, and has even found a new relationship. In her eyes, things are going relatively well, and she is enjoying her new lifestyle.

 

What she seems to be forgetting is that this is relatively new news to you. Children of parents who are separated/divorcing/divorce - no matter what age they are - have their own set of emotions that they have every right to have and express (within reason of course). It's a big let-down to know that your parents aren't "happily ever after", that there are new players on the scene (her new beau and his friends).

 

You have every right to tell her you felt excluded when you visited that time. It is not seeking attention, it is seeking inclusion. To be left in the other room not knowing whether you are welcome to join them or not is very awkward. The only thing I would suggest is that next time, simply join them whether asked or not. Join in the conversations. You have every right to be there and you are a part of your mother's family, so if the other guests turn a cold shoulder or THEN exclude you from the conversation when you are right there, I would DEFINITELY say something more to your mother.

 

Your mother may also be going through a wide range of emotions that she hasn't completely sorted through yet. I am sure she wants you to like her new friend, and I am sure she wants to spend a lot of time with this new guy because he makes her feel desirable and happy. So you bringing up negative aspects make her feel threatened or defensive - perhaps she is still internally agruing with herself whether she's made the right decision to leave your father, and anything negative is a dent in her resolve. Many things could be going on here.

 

My advice is to have a sit down with your mom, without anyone else there. tell her flat out you do not want things to go sour, you do not want things to turn into arguments, but you are still working through how YOU feel about all of it. You have a right to be heard, and if she thinks this is all about her and what she wants, then she will end up pushing away her entire family in the process. Divorce affects more than just the two key players and she needs to remember that.

[Pedigree]

but you are still working through how YOU feel about all of it. You have a right to be heard, and if she thinks this is all about her and what she wants, then she will end up pushing away her entire family in the process.

 

I agree with this analysis the most. For her part, she's taking me being supportive for granted and for my part, it only truly hits home that my parents are separated when I see my Mum and the boyfriend at the new place.

 

That she has been unhappy in the years leading to her separation is something that I've been made aware of by the woman herself.

 

Thanks for the advice. I will be sure to try to implement it next time I see her.