Legal Separation Day 1 - Denial, hope

[singledad2]

I have been posting trying to be strong in my faith and help others to make myself feel better, but now my stomach is in nots and I am losing my faith that I can make it to the other side of this. I have seen so many helpful people here, that I am drawn to post my story.

 

My wife "disappeared" on Aug 14th, didn't say good bye to anyone, and took important papers, and memorabilia with the obvious intent to start over somewhere else. This would not be that odd except for one huge fact. We have 3 beautiful children: a 10 year old that was a premie, an 8 year old spirited boy, and the 5 year old beautiful girl that she always wanted. She was a stay at home Mom and claims she loves it. I had to track her down. I had to do investigation on facebook to find out she had headed out to stay with her high school prom date 18 hours away by car. The guy has never been married and told her she should get away from it and come stay there as long as she needed to to get back on her feet. I had to get the police to do a welfare check to verify that she was alive and secure.

 

She left a note saying she was going to be gone for awhile and to tell the kids she was on a trip. She emptied an account by signing my name. She was telling her best friend lies about where she was going. There are inappropriate conversations between the prom date and her. My now wife claims nothing happened there and he's just being a friend. Well, that is likely to keep her out of trouble when it comes to the settlement.

 

Well as expected she calls a few days later and says she loves me and we just need to work some things out. She says she will rest and come back in a couple of days. Meanwhile I've been filing for divorce and trying to make sure I get to keep the kids in a battle.

 

Shocker: She comes back and says she is not here to work it out and that she is leaving again. She does NOT WANT THE KIDS, and wants a divorce. She agrees to go to a counseling session with me and blows off the recommendation of the counselor to put any big decisions on hold and go off and work on our wounds. She leaves there an says she will be getting a divorce.

 

Okay, I can see not wanting me around if I am the cause of here unhappiness, but GET RID OF ME NOT THE KIDS!

 

Anyway, after a week of calmer discussion we agree to a legal separation, giving our marriage and family some hope, but she loads up a car takes the settlement of 6 months of help and blew back out of town after only 8 days back. She cried with me that divorce is not needed for her to get herself back but she still wants the break. I love her and grant this and help her get away. She wants to keep in touch with the kids and I expect for some short time she will let me hang on to hope, but I don't see how we can work on our relationship with her so far away. So I think I am treating this like a divorce and trying to move on. My pain is heartbreak and wanting to get over her so bad. There are lots of things I know are wrong with her, but she is the mother of my children and I guess I feel like the dumpee even though I did the filing.

 

She has been gone for 1 day and I feel like I will never find love again outside of the lord and my kids. I'm trying to make that enough, but the heart doesn't want to be alone. I am not the picture of attractive driving a mini-van and hauling 3 young kids behind. Will I ever find another?

[Echio]

:bunny:Yes you will find another.

Time really can heal lots of hurt.

hope things get better for you soon.

[floridapad]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like she is incredibly lost, but unfortunately, she may just be that type of person. I'm sure/hope you are doing everything to secure your financial assets. If not, it needs to be done now. She sounds like she has gone over the edge and she will do anything to survive. At some point you are going to have to lose the hope. It is painful I know but it is the only way you (and I) can move on. It truly is. I'm stopping the images I play in my mind of her having a sudden epiphany and coming to her senses. That epiphany will take years if ever. If she did come back I would say No because I know she will have not made the changes and self realizations I have made. I know she will be emotionally high maintenance without it and possibly do it again. I feel for her oddly enough but I can't do that anymore. I have her pain and mine and I need to get rid of hers. I do not want this woman back in my life because I will never be able to trust her. Keep up the faith and spiritual work. It is the single biggest thing that allowed me to look at myself and accept things. Your children are lucky to have you as their rock. BTW, time to trade in the minivan for an SUV. Much cooler :-). The chicks will dig it.

[singledad2]

Thanks for the encouragement. Yeah, I have been thinking of trading the Odyssey in for an MDX or a Pilot. I've been driving the van because I am trying to keep the kids in some kind of routine. Same school, same house, same bed, same car....no Mom. Oh yeah, she will call and let them call her. Cake and eating it too. You are right. I probably don't want the person that left, but I would give her a chance if she came back like the prodigal son did, but instead she came back and put a figurative gun to my head.

 

Yes, I bottled up the finances. Started that the day she disappeared and she swiped money out of the checking account. I got the kids, house, almost all the funds and she basically got a car and her stuff and enough to live on for awhile. Couldn't have worked out better as far as that goes.

 

I pretty much gave her the ability to move on. Part of me hopes she gets help and finds herself. In he mean time, I just want to forget and move on with life. I just hate this broken heart stuff that i have to go through! While the rest of my mind and soul move on, my heart suffers. I see it making me tired, listless, grumpy. Have to hold it together for the kids. What about ME!!!????!? I know there is a blessing at the end of this huge trial. I am suffering though. What can I do besides the keeping busy, the soul searching, the divorce support group, throwing myself into work. I am running the kids to their activities, feeding, and taking care of them, but every moment alone brings me to a painful spot. Its that stupid hurt that only time can heal. Gimme a time machine!!!!

[soheartbroken]

If you find that time machine please let me know!

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hear myself in your posts ("every moment alone brings me to a painful spot"), so very accurate.

 

But you have your faith! And that is such a wonderful thing, and it will pull you through. I am envious.

[LisaUk]

Hi Singledad

 

First I want to say how selfish your wife is! I thought my ex leaving the way he did was bad, but THIS is something else and you saying fair enough, not a problem, not that bad, you must be the most understanding man on the planet! She left you a Dear John letter, you had to get the police to check she was alive! That is no way to treat your Husband or anyone for that matter, no matter what her issues or her issues with you are.

 

It sounds like she has major self indulgance issues, given that she has not only abandoned you but also her children. I know you love her dearly and at this time any words will bring you little if any comfort, but this is NOT a women you want in your life.

 

As for wiil you meet anyone else? Yes of course, I'm a women aged 33 and if I was lucky enough to meet a commited and caring, responsible man and father like you sound you are, I would thank my lucky stars that your wife put you back on the market! Someone will love you and your children, the way you deserve to be loved, I have no doubt about that, you just need to give yourself time to heal first. It is time, by the way, a cliche, but so true. Keep posting!

[singledad2]

Hi Singledad

 

First I want to say how selfish your wife is! ...It sounds like she has major self indulgance issues, given that she has not only abandoned you but also her children. I know you love her dearly and at this time any words will bring you little if any comfort, but this is NOT a women you want in your life.

 

As for wiil you meet anyone else? Yes of course, I'm a women aged 33 and if I was lucky enough to meet a commited and caring, responsible man and father like you sound you are, I would thank my lucky stars that your wife put you back on the market! Someone will love you and your children, the way you deserve to be loved, I have no doubt about that, you just need to give yourself time to heal first. It is time, by the way, a cliche, but so true. Keep posting!

 

Thanks for the post. It does help to hear a women's view.

 

Selfish is one of the words I have always described her behind closed doors....It seemed like all the giving she outwardly did was for "show". She seemed to really only care about what people thought she should be doing, her outward appearance. I guess I knew who she was inside and it probably leaked out too many times. The last time was when she overdrew her account and had hundreds of dollars of overdraft charges. Yep I was a little ticked. So yeah, I'm the responsible one. Thats probably why she left me the kids. She could never tell the kids they couldnt do an activity because she blew all the money on whatever. Yeah, I have said I dont want this woman in my life. I think she is having a mid-life crisis, and I pray for her as she is a lost soul. It still HURTs though. That is what I can't wrap my head around. Logic is defied here...I wish I could take a pill and move on. I am impatient and want to move on with my life, even though I know the man upstairs is using this time to draw me nearer and take me to the next level. There has got to be something better than this TIME thing!!! I'm getting comfort from every friend I know. And her friends and family too who can't believe this happened. Looking forward to "Day 2". I hear the sequel is better.

[LisaUk]

Thanks for the post. It does help to hear a women's view.

 

Selfish is one of the words I have always described her behind closed doors....It seemed like all the giving she outwardly did was for "show". She seemed to really only care about what people thought she should be doing, her outward appearance. I guess I knew who she was inside and it probably leaked out too many times. The last time was when she overdrew her account and had hundreds of dollars of overdraft charges. Yep I was a little ticked. So yeah, I'm the responsible one. Thats probably why she left me the kids. She could never tell the kids they couldnt do an activity because she blew all the money on whatever. Yeah, I have said I dont want this woman in my life. I think she is having a mid-life crisis, and I pray for her as she is a lost soul. It still HURTs though. That is what I can't wrap my head around. Logic is defied here...I wish I could take a pill and move on. I am impatient and want to move on with my life, even though I know the man upstairs is using this time to draw me nearer and take me to the next level. There has got to be something better than this TIME thing!!! I'm getting comfort from every friend I know. And her friends and family too who can't believe this happened. Looking forward to "Day 2". I hear the sequel is better.

 

For me finding some answers helped a bit, (my ex was CP, commitment phobic, he jilted me after 18 years together), but there is a danger of over analysing. Here's a website you might find some answers on, it's written about men in MLC, but applys to women also,

www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

 

The other thing that helped more than anything else was seeing for myself that there is better out there and that my ex was not capable of true intimacy, of giving himself fully to me or the relationship. Once you discover what was lacking in your w that you need in your life, things will become easier.

 

Other than that, be patient with yourself, your grieving, post here and TIME.

[floridapad]

The hurt takes a while to get through as I am three months in and I still feel some pain. The only thing that helps is to take it day by day and live in the now. Bought an audio book called living in the now which I am still listening to. Fairly spiritual but not God based more self based. Trust me, when you start getting sick of the pain you will begin to do more things to move on. But accepting the situation for what it is helps a bit. You are only in Day 2 my friend. You are feeling exactly what your supposed to feel. With time I find myself making more conscience efforts to stop thinking about the pain. It's a day by day thing. It also helps alot to get out with friends. Get a baby sitter and do some "me" things. Your kids need you and if that means you need to leave them with a babysitter to allow yourself some fun time then it can only help them. I find that writing here helps. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in Day 2. A lot of hurt and analyzing life. I too am a VP (Finance) and some times its hard to keep it together at work, but we have to. For the kids sake. God Bless!

[singledad2]

For me finding some answers helped a bit, (my ex was CP, commitment phobic, he jilted me after 18 years together), but there is a danger of over analysing. Here's a website you might find some answers on, it's written about men in MLC, but applys to women also,

www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com

 

.

 

Lisa, OMG! This MLC site describes her and the situation verbatim! The sad news is that I can't go around this, I have to either go through it or quit. And its another one of those TIME things.... I can now wrap my head around her actions, but I don't think I understand what I am supposed to do. Stay or Move on. I have been trying to do both, putting my feelings in a box in case she comes home, but wanting to live for the future. This looks like if I want to "stay" that I will have to walk a tightrope and deal with pulling the feelings out of the box to keep her involved and putting them away to keep myself moving forward. Looks like a tough road. Not sure she is worth all that. I almost left 4 years ago myself, but my compass kept me here. I didn't think she respected and loved me like I felt a life mate should. Wow....

 

It says its HER journey that I have to deal with. Ick. I am not one to get into someone elses junk. I like to delegate. I like for her to own her own life so maybe she now does and me and the kids move on. Eventually the kids will know she doesn't care. What a mess....

[singledad2]

Thanks FloridaPad. I needed a nudge not to feel guilty about leaving the little ones to spend some time for myself. I think that is why so many folks are trying to take the kids off my hands and such. I've skipped alot of activities for myself to be with them because once I had a friend over that wanted to do the whole after school, dinner, bed and bath routine and my daughter freaked out and was asking where her daddy was, and all I did was get out to shop some. I figured I would get my arms around the situation, clear out the mess she made getting out of here, settling the household then I would venture back onto the grid. Instead I just about am so exhausted and wounded I curl up into a ball when I know I need to attack the list of things to do so it doesnt overwhelm. I do need to take care of my needs. My wife says she wants to come visit and take care of the kids while I take a planned trip for a few days. I am not sure this is a good thing or not.

[LisaUk]

Hi Singledad

 

The thing about the MLC site is the author, whilst acedemic I believe, her H is in MLC. She advocates something she calls standing. That is essentially to wait it out. However, that is her personal choice, a servere MLC can last up to 7 years, to wait around that long would IMO be an enormous amount of emotional upset, when the spouse who resolves their MLC may do so BUT still not come back to the marriage!

 

I think the site is helpful though for answers to the persons behaviour, that alone may help to give closure to allow you to move forward if that is what you choose.

[singledad2]

Well, I know my wife has reached her destination today. My heart is broken. She is so far away, building a new life. She is supposedly the one with low self-esteem, and needing to "find some self worth". Why do I feel like the roles are reversed? I don't think I am strong enough to "stay", even for the kids. I don't like the open endedness of that I like things with closure. Yet its obvious if I take the closure route, it probably means an official end to hope. Knowing what I know now from the female MLC, I can assume I just need to move on. I am going to assume her hope-giving is just a way to keep her options open. She doesn't care what we are doing. She only cares for her own journey at this time (aka "Selfish beyatch"). I can wrap my head around it now, but unfortunately the prognosis is pretty bad. Hugging my kids and faith in the lord is the only thing that is keeping me alive right this minute. I've had thoughts of whether or not she would come back to take care of the kids if something happened to me, or should I will them to someone else. Pretty crappy spot to be in.... Thanks for listening.

[singledad2]

so much for the sequel (day 2) being better.

[floridapad]

Hello my friend,

 

Hope can be a great thing that keeps us going. Buts it's are brains and soul that tell us what we should hope for. I'm going to be honest with you as painful as it may be. Your wife soon to be exwife is gone. The hope is for YOURSELF and your children. You have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children. You will meet another woman and fall in love as will I. All we can do is learn for ourselves. Live with the lord and live in the now (the second in front of you.) If ever you take your children to Orlando (which you really should do sometime) I would enjoy meeting you and your children. My children would love it. Oh and BTW. Get and SUV!! :-).

[silverfish]

You need a break from the kids sometimes. If your ex can't / won't see them, then you need to ask a family member, or get a babysitter to give yourself some time off even if it's one day a fortnight.

 

You will start to get exhausted and run down otherwise, and you need to look after yourself to be a good Dad. They'll also need someone to talk to about their mum, as that might be too painful for you at the mo....

 

I got impatient and snappy with my children for a while because all i heard was 'i miss daddy' / 'I want to talk to dad' and I had to make excuses for him because the truth was too hard to give them. Does your ex even call your children? Can you talk to any of her family about her actions?

 

I find it very cruel what she has done to you, but your children too? Gah...

[singledad2]

Yeah, I had a talk with a friend tonight that had lunch with my soon to be ex-wife. I haven't been calling myself singledad for no reason. I have lost her 4 times now. First when she disappeared, 2nd when stopped and turned around then turned around again, 3rd when she called to say she wanted to come home and work it out, and then now when she left again. So she has made the same decision 4 times now to leave us. Its just so hard for us all to wrap our minds around how she could possibly do this. Regardless of what she claims in her MLC mind, this was not brewing for years, I'm not the monster she says I am (else why leave the children with me), and its not that I did not love her. She is just in a selfish mode and if I look at the rest of our relationship, I can find a heck of alot of other reasons to not want to be in it. I'm a fool if I think she's working on getting better for our family. So, here's the plan....I move on. I get the dang SUV I want. I don't say anything bad, but hey, not calling the kids will let that take care of itself. Her family supports us. They have told me I have gone way beyond their expectations and shown what kind of man I am regardless of her "stories". I know I am no saint and I have made mistakes, but I have repented and am not where she thinks I am in life. One of us has the big man on our side and right now I am on the righteous side. I need to consider myself lucky now. I could have wasted more time and effort on this woman that never loved me and loved my children because she was supposed to, apparently. I just need to survive this moment. Thanks to all of you that have helped.

[singledad2]

Does your ex even call your children? Can you talk to any of her family about her actions?

 

I find it very cruel what she has done to you, but your children too? Gah...

 

Nope, no calls since she hit the road Friday. Just a couple of courtesy calls to me to let me know she was okay. She has detached herself from this family. What a shame. The lord cannot be pleased.

[singledad2]

Agonaizing. Can't sleep. I hate what I am going through. Exhausted. I need help. Dang holiday. Need a doctor to prescribe something I guess.

i dont want to be any lower, so is it an anti-depressant? Yet I need to sleep, so is that an anti-anxiety pill?

[ryepatch]

situational depression is real, and comes with anxiety when you don't know exactly how things'll turn out.

 

i've been on antidepressants two weeks only, but just today was able to begin to start thinking calmly about my situation. . . my cousin told me they give you a thicker skin emotionally, and i'm hoping it continues.

 

been taking anti-anxiety pills all summer, lorazepam works for me but is addictive (least of my priorities right now), hydroxine works too. they can make you sleepy at first, but you build a tolerance. still, i only take them at night, usually. they quiet your mind a little bit.

 

if you buy over the counter sleep aids, they're expensive. most of them are the same as benadryl, which is generic. it'll make you more tired.

 

obviously i'm not a doctor, just my experience. see a doctor who at least has some sensitivity to mental health issues, or a psychiatrist.

 

also, your wife should see a psychiatrist, in my opinion. i wish mine would.

 

good luck, and don't get discouraged if anyone discriminates against you for being a single dad. a lot of people still think men aren't capable of raising children.

[LisaUk]

Hi Singledad

 

The first few weeks are tough, very tough, feels like you are dying in my experience, you can't sleep, can't eat, your whole body aches, my whole nervous system went into shock and I came out in this horrible rash. I've even lost some hair! But my DR assures me it will return eventually.

 

I have manged to stay away from meds through all of this, although Gallon on here recommended a good one for my panic attacks, whcih i will look into, as they are bad at the moment. Meds are ok in the short term if you think you really need them, but they can be addictive. There is a herbal antidepressant that a lot of DR's here in the UK recommend, it's called St.John's Wort from helath food stores, it really works by all accounts. Just a word of warning for any women reading this, it DOES affect the birth control pill, so you DO need to use another non-hormanal form of contraception.

 

It gets better singledad, I promise, the pain becomes less raw and more managable in time. Hang in there.

[floridapad]

Try Xanax. It does wonders for my sleep. Its anti-anxiety. Of course try not to over do it and go the Michael Jackson route.

[singledad2]

they give you a thicker skin emotionally

 

also, your wife should see a psychiatrist, in my opinion. i wish mine would.

.

 

Maybe that is why she has a thick skin. She has been on anti-depressents for years...

 

She definitely needs to but you can lead a horse to water...

 

Enough about her.

 

It's about me now. And my kids. A beautiful thing happened last night. My boys hugged each other at bedtime (we were camping out in the living room for fun) and my younger one asked if we were going to pray together tonight. We said the lords prayer and added some stuff about Mom being safe and our family being okay. I know that doesn;t necessarily mean together.

 

When will it be okay to be mad at her for this stuff? Isnt that a stage I need to go through? I have been trying to let those feelings go and let the judgement belong to someone else. "Only evaluate" I say. I can't let it out in front of them, I guess.

 

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions. I think I will set something up for tomorrow and survive on what I have until then.

[floridapad]

Definately let the anger out. When I was back in the house I used to go outside and just vent out loud in angry tones. You can't bottle it. It's very very bad. Honestly don't hold back when you do. Use whatever profanity you need to (My favorite is you F**ing B*tch. I say it over and over) and don't be afraid to speak out loud what you think and use as much anger when you do. Please trust me on this. When you have it out and you are thoroughly done venting out loud, pray to the Lord for his forgiveness and pray for her forgiveness and pray that she finds herself again and pray for her health and that she will be as happy as you will be one day. It's hard in the beginning but practice makes perfect. This helps with the residual bitterness after you let the anger out. Anger is temporary, bitterness is long term. Don't bottle the anger too long or it will become extreme bitterness and you will have a very hard time truly forgiving. Do this as often as you need to. It has helped me enormously. Forgiveness is something that takes time but when you do it it feels great. But you definately go through withdrawals and you wonder if you truly forgave. The answer for me is yes, but it doesn't mean I forget about what she did and it doesn't mean that anger doesn't rear it's head again.

[LisaUk]

Yes you need to let out the anger. Anger is a normal healthy feeling and as long as you express it in a healthy way thats good.

 

As for forgiveness, I don't attend church as often as I should, but I do call myself a Christian. I can't tell you from memory where the Bible says this, but it does say something about if your friend comes to you and asks for forgiveness, forgive him, if he comes to you again, forgive him, if he comes seven times, each time forgive. Tell me singledad, has your wife ASKED for your forgiveness? Perhaps I misunderstand, but my understanding of the testement is you forgive when you are asked to do so. You have done nothing wrong to feel the need to ask forgiveness for, this is her trespass against YOU, your children and God, it is her responsibility to repent, not yours.

 

This was not your choice, you wanted and would have worked to uphold your vows to your wife and to God. As PW said to be on my thread sometime ago, this is your wifes will, not Gods and what she has done is between her and God now!

 

Get angry when you need to, and YOU WILL find you need to, probably serveral times. There is no guilt to be felt in this emotion, this was not your will.