Read this article, what do YOU guys think of it?

[KikiW]

The article is basically about how one woman handled things when her husband had a mid-life crisis. I found it interesting, but there are parts I disagree with and wanted to see what others thought.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=2&em=&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1249491680-+mZu1nw+SV77dAec1Yoqqg

[TaraMaiden]

well, I'm glad it worked for her.

if indeed it did.

he either felt 'beaten into submission by her attitude, or really decided that he'd been doing it wrong, and came to his senses.

but I doubt many would have the patience and tenacity to hang on by their fingernails like grim death.....

[Adunaphel]

I can't help wondering whether there was an other woman..

[KikiW]

I was surprised that so many comments left about the article were all in praise of her, when the feeling I got was that she was allowing him to go off in a corner and act like a selfish, petulant child. I am sure there are times when ALL adults act like selfish, petulant children, but welcome to the world of putting on your Big Boy pants and having discussions with your wife about how you are feeling and what you can do as a couple to resolve the issues together.

[Thaddeus]

Methinks there's a lot more to the story than the author is letting on. Sexless marriage, perhaps? Yes, she's making him out to be a bit of a self-centred jerk, but I can't help but wonder what part she had to play in the whole scenario other than the "I refuse to suffer" stuff.

[TaraMaiden]

This is something quite pertinent, Thadd... and I think worth remembering...

 

While I would never call anyone untruthful, it's good to consider that only one person is relating their side, when anyone comes on and posts a problem.

I wholeheartedly include myself....

But I bore it in mind when I posted my thread....

 

It's understandable that a person will post from their own point of view...

but I look upon matters in a more broad-minded manner now, particularly when someone gets defensive about the partner they're discussing.

 

I did in my thread, and I believe I was justified.

Possibly then, so are they.

 

It's not 'making excuses'. it's 'levelling the playing field'.

 

Something this author actually hasn't done.....

[Adunaphel]

I guess I see it a little differently than you guys do so far. What I see is that she implemented the "180" in a non wavering way. This is what's promoted in these types of situations all the time.

 

It's probably moot as to what the problem was intially. He wasn't in a good place to resolve that issue. It wasn't the time. If he was cheating, what's the advice? 180. Everyone says cheating is caused by something within the cheater, so maybe she was just smart enough to recognize that whatever his issue was, it was HIS issue. Same goes for abuse, etc. It's something within the abuser himself.

 

So I think she was rather smart.

 

I think she was smart and handled it greatly, too.

But I am wondering whether she was 100% sure there was not another woman involved in his midlife crisis. Or whether she did not care about it. Or whether she cared more about keeping her family together than about him.

 

I guess I admire her. I think I might be able to handle such a situation in a similar way, but I'd have to be 100% sure that he was not cheating, or not planning to. Knowing the reason behind the midlife crisis would make to me all the difference in the world.

[KikiW]

Like control much? That's trying to control another's behaviors. She simply refused to take responsibility for HIM and let him work it out on his own.

 

I fully believe that there's more to the story and she probably contributed this situation, but I think by giving him his space and not creating an even more stressful situation by demanding answers and begging, pleading and such helped their situation. He was totally resistant to work on it when he approached her. Hopefully they are now at a place where they are addressing the issues that took him there in the first place.

 

Actually, yes I do, when someone else's behaviors can directly affect me and even more specifically my kid. So if my spouse comes home screaming and throwing things I should just sit back and let him work it out on his own? I shouldn't put my foot down and tell him to grow up and speak to me like an adult?

 

I think this writer was extremely lucky that this little break didn't cause further distance between them and ultimately cost their marriage. Quite frankly it seems like it was a 50/50 gamble.

[mem11363]

What an incredibly uplifting story. She mentions having the "hard" conversations later. I bet she hammered him when he came back to sanity. And he deserved it. I also thought her time table of 6 months was great. He was clearly throwing an adult temper tantrum. Her determination to NOT let him scapegoat her, the marriage or the family was extraordinary.

 

I agree it would be very interesting to hear his side of the story. I really don't think it was about another woman. I do think it was about his wobbly/failed business venture.

 

 

I think she was smart and handled it greatly, too.

But I am wondering whether she was 100% sure there was not another woman involved in his midlife crisis. Or whether she did not care about it. Or whether she cared more about keeping her family together than about him.

 

I guess I admire her. I think I might be able to handle such a situation in a similar way, but I'd have to be 100% sure that he was not cheating, or not planning to. Knowing the reason behind the midlife crisis would make to me all the difference in the world.

[Lizzie60]

Humm.. I think she acted like a lot of women do.. I didn't read the whole article but enough to think that she was using the 'not buying it' excuse for not saying to herself 'I'm a miserable doormat'..

 

A lot of women, who don't want to lose their husband will do just about anything so they won't lose him... They let him 'live' his mid-life crisis... they let him cheat.. they let them go out and come back late.. etc.. etc...

 

all because they're not buying it.. :rolleyes:

[Kamille]

Humm.. I think she acted like a lot of women do.. I didn't read the whole article but enough to think that she was using the 'not buying it' excuse for not saying to herself 'I'm a miserable doormat'..

 

A lot of women, who don't want to lose their husband will do just about anything so they won't lose him... They let him 'live' his mid-life crisis... they let him cheat.. they let them go out and come back late.. etc.. etc...

 

all because they're not buying it.. :rolleyes:

 

She actually adresses the doormat comment in the article.

 

It's not like she was forcing him to stay in any way either. She left him whatever room he needed to make his decision about leaving the marriage. Sounds like she just refused to be part of the problem - or even part of the solution. She left all that up to him.

 

I buy her story. I think she was really strong and perceptive. She had no way to know he would eventually decide to stay. She just refused to believe that what they had build together for so many years was a complete lie.

[AlektraClementine]

I guess one could also argue that some folks take their vows quite seriously. What she did was try a different method of accomplishing honoring those vows. "To love in good times.....and in bad", may have meant just that to this woman.

 

It seems also that she had recently taken a new path in life and executed a tactic in line with that path. Ironically, her husband spiraled downward at a coincidental time.

 

A girlfriend of mine is going through something interesting right now. Her history is that of great disrepair. She's a smoker, a heavy drinker (possible alcoholic), a shop-oholic, a sleep-oholic, and a cheater. She's cheated several times on her husband. For the last few years she has really made some changes. Quit smoking, cut wayyy back on the drinking, gone back to school, minded the budget, and stopped stepping out on her marriage.

 

Her "model citizen" of a husband is now finding everything in the world wrong with her and picks fights constantly. In part, I think it's because she's now coherent enough to hear him. I wonder sometimes though, whether or not he liked her better broken.

 

I wonder similarly about the author of this article. Did he pick this fight to test her new strength. hmmm.

[Lizzie60]

She actually adresses the doormat comment in the article.

 

It's not like she was forcing him to stay in any way either. She left him whatever room he needed to make his decision about leaving the marriage. Sounds like she just refused to be part of the problem - or even part of the solution. She left all that up to him.

 

I buy her story. I think she was really strong and perceptive. She had no way to know he would eventually decide to stay. She just refused to believe that what they had build together for so many years was a complete lie.

 

Ah OK.. I didn't understand it like that.. I will go back and read the rest.. but it's sometimes easy for a woman to say they 'don't buy it'..

[Lizzie60]

OK.. I read the whole article..

 

I was wondering.. what made him become like that in the first place.. like someone said.. we only have her side.. of course she's not going to say if she withhold sex.. or if she was bitchy half the time... why would he want to move out.. all of a sudden..

 

And let's say.. she wasn't part of it.. he just got bored and wanted to see what was out there.. when he was going out late.. maybe he went 'out there'.. cheated.. and found out that it wasn't worth it.. or he simply didn't find any women he would fall head over heels with.. then came back home.. thinking.. oh well.. at my age.. I guess I should stay .. she's a good wife afterall... She will take care of me.. always..

[Kamille]

OK.. I read the whole article..

 

I was wondering.. what made him become like that in the first place.. like someone said.. we only have her side.. of course she's not going to say if she withhold sex.. or if she was bitchy half the time... why would he want to move out.. all of a sudden..

 

And let's say.. she wasn't part of it.. he just got bored and wanted to see what was out there.. when he was going out late.. maybe he went 'out there'.. cheated.. and found out that it wasn't worth it.. or he simply didn't find any women he would fall head over heels with.. then came back home.. thinking.. oh well.. at my age.. I guess I should stay .. she's a good wife afterall... She will take care of me.. always..

 

She's lucky he didn't run into a femme fatale like you then!

 

This raises the question: what is love? In my opinion it's what you build as a relationship with a person, after the original "papillons" are gone. So in this sense, I agree with her assessment: was he really saying that he lied to himself for their whole marriage and that he wasn't proud of what they had accomplished together? I wouldn't buy it either.

 

And even if he came back to the marriage because he didn't find better "out there", it doesn't mean that they can't work at making it better now does it?

[Lizzie60]

She's lucky he didn't run into a femme fatale like you then!

 

This raises the question: what is love? In my opinion it's what you build as a relationship with a person, after the original "papillons" are gone. So in this sense, I agree with her assessment: was he really saying that he lied to himself for their whole marriage and that he wasn't proud of what they had accomplished together? I wouldn't buy it either.

 

And even if he came back to the marriage because he didn't find better "out there", it doesn't mean that they can't work at making it better now does it?

 

You bet ma chouette!!!

 

I don't think, from what I understood.. that he lied to himself about the whole marriage.. they (MM in general) know very well that they have built something with their W.. and I bet most are proud of it.. but that doesn't mean that they don't fall out of love at one point ...

 

and if he went outside to see if there was something better out there.. and didn't find what he was looking for.. then he could be willing to work at making it better.. I totally agree.. but let's say he would have met a woman he really liked... I'm not so sure that he would have been willing to stay any longer..

 

and they might work at making it better until the next 'fight' over whatever... lack of sex... finances.. children.. etc..

[KikiW]

I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong solution.

 

How would I have handled it? I can't say for sure. I do not have the experience of her relationship and its unique nuances. I doubt I would have begged or pleaded for him to stay. I probably would have told him to pack his clothes and showed him to the door - if he realized the error of his ways, then we'd have some long, hard discussions coming.

 

In reading the article, I was rubbed the wrong way knowing that she let him stay in the house, with all the luxuries of family and yet be apart from them, uninvolved. I am not the kind of woman who takes someone saying they don't think they ever loved me very lightly. That is too serious of a statement for me to treat them with kid gloves and bubble wrap. Time to put your big boy pants on and be an adult. It's all I am saying really.

[AlektraClementine]

So I let me fiance read this article last evening. His first response was.. "Did you write this? This sounds like you". Ha.

 

What stuck out to him the most was the job and financial issues with the husband. He said that he can absolutely see it being a pride issue to set it off, then spiral into a tantrum. But, what he also said that kind of irked me was something along the lines of "wow, so he got to go have fun for six months".

 

Just thought I'd share another man's perspective on it.

[quankanne]

if that man was in that kind of pain from a bad business venture, I don't think he was having fun because it was still hanging over his head no matter what he did. For men, work = identity, because they're raised to believe that men are the providers, and their wives are responsible for home and family. Even in this day and time!

 

I have my boundaries...what's important to me. I have the choice of accepting his bad behavior or not. I can't MAKE him not do those things. I can only tell him it's unacceptable to me and while he has a right to express his frustrations in a way he deems appropriate, he needs to do it somewhere else. It's HIS job to control his own behaviors.

 

I'm with you on that one: While there may have been other problems contributing to her husband's crisis, I'm thinking it all boiled down to his failure in business, which he took very, very personally. And the writer was able to distinguish this from everything else, and made that hard decision to just give him that space and to allow him to act badly if it meant getting her husband back into the marriage ... basically, she used her knowledge of his nature to gamble on them as a couple.

 

when you think about it, that's pretty smart thinking, because she understood what his crisis was about and she was mature enough to let him figure it out. As another poster pointed out, I'm sure the questions came afterward ... but I imagine he was at a place where he felt a bit more comfortable discussing what was going through his mind at the time without feeling like his world was continuing to crash down around him.

[mem11363]

Quankanne - I 100% agree with your read on this. As a man who fully supported his family for 19 years of marriage - wife plus 3 kids - I can tell you that having your earnings crumble would freak a responsible provider out in a huge way. If he could have "walked away" he wouldn't have to deal with the idea of failing/letting them down.

 

His wife definitely understood this. All these comments that other posters have made about what SHE must have been doing wrong in the marriage don't seem right to me. Like for instance - say she had cut him off sexually. There is no way she would have kept saying to him "I don't buy it". Because he would have come back with - "don't be ridiculous, our marriage is totally broken, it is sexless, why are you in denial". But apparently he never specifically zoomed in on any particular "issue" in their marriage, likely because as she said there simply wasn't one.

 

I think the only way you could stay as calm, cool and confident as the author is if you really were a good wife. And "good" does not mean "weak".

 

As for her letting him treat her badly. My guess is he is going to spend a long, long time making this up to her in lots of kind, loving and sincere ways.

 

The only thing I couldn't figure out from reading it, was whether he cheated on her during this time. I wouldn't put money on it either way.

 

if that man was in that kind of pain from a bad business venture, I don't think he was having fun because it was still hanging over his head no matter what he did. For men, work = identity, because they're raised to believe that men are the providers, and their wives are responsible for home and family. Even in this day and time!

 

I have my boundaries...what's important to me. I have the choice of accepting his bad behavior or not. I can't MAKE him not do those things. I can only tell him it's unacceptable to me and while he has a right to express his frustrations in a way he deems appropriate, he needs to do it somewhere else. It's HIS job to control his own behaviors.

 

I'm with you on that one: While there may have been other problems contributing to her husband's crisis, I'm thinking it all boiled down to his failure in business, which he took very, very personally. And the writer was able to distinguish this from everything else, and made that hard decision to just give him that space and to allow him to act badly if it meant getting her husband back into the marriage ... basically, she used her knowledge of his nature to gamble on them as a couple.

 

when you think about it, that's pretty smart thinking, because she understood what his crisis was about and she was mature enough to let him figure it out. As another poster pointed out, I'm sure the questions came afterward ... but I imagine he was at a place where he felt a bit more comfortable discussing what was going through his mind at the time without feeling like his world was continuing to crash down around him.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Absolutely nothing in the article that said anything..... Really have no idea why it happened or how it was resolved.

 

Seems she had the ace up the hole as he recently was failing in his career....

 

Really did not get the article at all.

[OpenBook]

and they might work at making it better until the next 'fight' over whatever... lack of sex... finances.. children.. etc..

 

Yeah, that's what I would be worried about if I were in the W's shoes. What's she gonna do when he gets the next urge to "break away from the family"? Let him "throw his tantrum" in peace again? And if he insists it will never happen again, well, how does he know that? And this from the same guy who told her he didn't love her anymore, and didn't like what she had become? After those choice words, I'd have a hard time taking him seriously at anything he said.

 

But this could all be moot in their marriage. The tone of the whole article gave me the impression that she plays the role of his Mommy. I have witnessed this happening in many marriages that have lasted 25+ years. In conversation, the guy addresses his W as "Mom." So much for romance.

[Lizzie60]

Yeah, that's what I would be worried about if I were in the W's shoes. What's she gonna do when he gets the next urge to "break away from the family"? Let him "throw his tantrum" in peace again? And if he insists it will never happen again, well, how does he know that? And this from the same guy who told her he didn't love her anymore, and didn't like what she had become? After those choice words, I'd have a hard time taking him seriously at anything he said.

 

But this could all be moot in their marriage. The tone of the whole article gave me the impression that she plays the role of his Mommy. I have witnessed this happening in many marriages that have lasted 25+ years. In conversation, the guy addresses his W as "Mom." So much for romance.

 

 

I totally agree..

 

Methink the guy went outside.. wasn't lucky... went back to 'Mommy' .. he knows she'll take him back.. let him throw his little tantrum... take another break or two.. live his 'single life' for a while.. come back... and on and on .. and on... until she gets it...

[AlektraClementine]

I sent the article to 2 of my married girlfriends. Here are their responses.

 

Girl A is in a marriage for 9 years quite happily. Very pragmatic woman. Totally level. Girl B is in a marriage for 12 years and she's a serial cheater + addict.

 

Girl A-

I think that is pretty cool. I think that most problems between established couples can be worked through and relationships can be salvaged. I also totally agree that you cannot solve what isn’t yours to solve. It must have been very difficult for her to endure the things that he would say to her, but even worse than that is to watch someone you love so much go through that sort of agony. I imagine everything he said to her was really what he was feeling for himself. I think feeling like you no longer love yourself is pretty severe. Isn’t the next step self-destruction?

 

I read something like that and think about my parents and how they were married for almost 12 years and then one day my dad tells my mom he feels ‘trapped’ and my mom panicked and didn’t know how to react and so they split. Now look at them. One married a creep and the other married a witch. I don’t know if they would have been happy together had they tried to work things out or not, but they were happy at one point it seemed. And I’m not sold that either are happy at all now.

 

 

Girl B-

I think that it is easier sometimes to be short-sighted and let our own hurt and pain consume our vision of what is important. I think this chick is pretty brave to do what she did. I know it must seem like her husband got the better end of the deal here, but I've been on his end and it sucks and if I didn't have a spouse who cared more than I did at the time, I would be divorced right now.

[Sam Spade]

Hers is a clever - and pretty much the *only* approach in this situation. yelling/blaming/attacking him would only make him pack his bags faster, as would begging, bargaining, etc. While of course we don't know the whole story, she was wise enough to understand that in midlife crisis, people's knee-jer reaction is to blame their ofn family for holding them back. Some understand that this is bull****, some don't. She bet on him understanding that and she won. Sure this is a gamble, but that'sw exactly the point - you can't control another human being and can only give them options.

For all the control freaks out there that would adopt the confrontational approach - this it is the tendencies WILL cause the dissolution of any relationship. Giving options and being patient one a doormat does not make.