Shocked.

[Huh?]

I was with my ex-husband for seven years and we have two children together. Even though our marriage didn't work, we still remain friends.

 

I have a best-friend with whom I have been friends with for over a year. We know anything and everything about each other.

 

Last night at 4:00 a.m my ex-husband called me and told me that he was out at a club and got drunk and picked up a girl and went out to his car and slepted with her. Well, someone was banging on his window yelling for the girl he was sleeping with, when he opened the door, there was another really good friend of mine and then he realized he slept with my best-friend. He called cause he said he felt extremely bad and that he was drunk and would never have slept with her if he knew who she was. My problem is this. They have met two times briefly but she has seen several pics of him and said how good looking he was. Sometimes I have felt she is jealous of me, she is only 19 and I am 27 and so is he. A very deep part of me feels she knows who he was. One of my facts is that in the time I have known her she has never, ever slept with anyone, even when she was extremely drunk. And she has only had one sexual partner and that was before I met her. She is absolutely not the type to just go outside and sleep with someone. I know this because we go out almost every weekend.

 

I just feel weird. He and I will never be together, so that dosn't bother me, but something just seems off about this situation and that is what bothers me. And I can't ever look at her the same again. I personally want nothing to do with either of them right now, but with him and our children, I don't have a choice.

 

Please someone tell me what I should think or do or how to handle this.

[Tony T]

First, you should thank the day you divorced this man who is a father yet still has the mentality to get stone drunk and have public sex in a parking lot at 4 a.m. Your being away from him is a plus.

 

Alcohol, in various measures, takes away judgement, inhibitions, morality, and lots of other things. But I think somewhere deep down, unless a person is so very inexperienced at being drunk, that a person who is plowed with alcohol knows what they are doing. If you kill, rob, rape, or whatever under the influence of alchohol or drugs, you are tried in the courts for the offence just as though you had done it completely sober...and often having been drunk makes the punishment more severe.

 

My guess is these two knew what they were doing. But sober, I'm sure screwing your ex is the last thing your best friend would do. You are probably right...she did know who he was. But a large dose of alcohol coupled with a large dose of 19-year-old immaturity, coupled with a large dose of coaxing from an older man divorced from her best friend, all adds up to one nasty situation.

 

I know how you feel about this and at some level it hurts in several ways. But I don't see where, under the circumstances, your girlfriend set out to betray your friendship. She used very poor judgement...so did your ex...and it will be up to you, and only you, to forgive them.

 

Depending on how much it means to you to retain your friendship with this lady, you could either have a long talk with her...or simply just ask her how it was and tell her you hope she got a lot more out of it than you ever did.

 

If I were on a jury, I apportion fault as follows: 20 percent your best friend...and 80 percent your ex.

 

This will be a test of your ability to forgive, as awkward as the friendship may be for a while. The real question is can you be friends with someone who drinks often and uses such poor judgement? Whether you remain friends or not, it is critical for your own mental health to forgive both of them.

 

Your ex husband should work for CNN, giving you such BREAKING NEWS immediately after his misdeed. He certainly is a master of breaking news. Had he not called you, you may have read about it in the tabloids. I do think he sincerely feels bad and embarassed and seeks your forgiveness.

 

Also, tell your ex to be sure he gets his car windows tinted.

[Nina]

I disagree with Tony. This is only because women think very differently from men and men often give women the benefit of the doubt when it's completely unwarranted.

 

I say this from personal experience, after my best friend of 10 years said that under the influence of drugs she slept with my boyfriend at the time. Of course, drugs and alcohol provide a convenient excuse to indulge yourself without taking responsibility for your actions.

 

Every pschological theorist, from Frued to Adler to Jung, has menitoned one thing in all their theories: every behavior reflects a need. You friend demonstrated that she has self-control, being that she's gotten drunk and not slept with people indiscriminately. Whatever her need was, she satisfied it in an unacceptable way.

 

Also, it's telling to me that it was your ex who called you and not your friend that morning. If it had truely been a completely unintentional mistake, my first impulse would've been to call my best friend and beg forgiveness. She didn't.

 

it's your call, but from my standpoint, this reflects some instability on her side. As my ex-best-friend demonstrated, you can know someone for years but never truely understand them. These kinds of behaviors are consistent across time and often continue until the person acting out in unacceptible ways works thorugh their insecurities or fixations. Until then, I would distance myself from her to let her know that what she did was unacceptible to you and you won't stand idly by while your friend walks all over you.

[Tony T]

I agree with you totally and me too. I think perhaps the truth is in the middle. But overall, I like your post better. It makes a lot of sense and I'm glad you put it up.

 

Perhaps I'm too much into the forgiveness thing (at times). The problem with giving advice here is so often we don't have all the facts and you don't know all the feelings.

 

But you've given Shocked some very good ideas to ponder...and me too!!!

[D.]

I agree with both Nina and Tony, however where Nina stated:

 

"Every pschological theorist, from Frued to Adler to Jung, has menitoned one thing in all their theories: every behavior reflects a need." I would change the word "NEED" to "DESIRE".

 

If I knew that my best girlfriend knew who my ex-husband was from his pictures and admired his good looks, etcetera ... that would clue me greatly into the knowledge that she knew darned good and well that it was your ex with whom she was having sex. As for your ex, I believe from his frantic 4AM phone call that he felt shamed and embarrassed when he realized he had sex with a friend of yours. (In a drunken state, in a car, in a public place ... ewwwwww! I agree with Tony that you are lucky to be away from a man of his morals and ethics.)

 

It is customary for a girfriend to ask you would you mind if she were to date or have sex with your ex-husband. That is just the way it is. She did not do this. As far as forgiving her, consider she is also the type of person to have sex in a car in a public place, drunk or not. Is that the kind of person you want to associate with? Then again, who am I (or anyone) to judge another's actions regarding her choice of place to have sex.

 

The real question is how valuable is her friendship to you that you wish to forgive her for knowingly having sex with your ex without having discussed it with you first. To me, she showed you grave disrespect in doing so. However, she is YOUR friend and not mine. The ball is in your court here. It is your decision. Be true to your feelings about this situation when you make up your mind. Don't forgive because you feel you should, do it only if you feel it is what you choose to do.

 

D.