So it's over after all...

[Arabella]

I've posted a couple of threads lately about my LD love and the progress of our relationship, but for quick background...

 

We had been carrying on a LD for a few months and we met for first time a couple of weeks ago. Against my worst fears, everything went well between us but due to his mental and emotional instability, the trip soured up and it became apparent that we needed a break. Although he kept touch for a couple days when I got back, he then disappeared and I've been worried sick about him for about a week.

 

I guess I should mention that he and I met in an online game. A couple days ago I texted him saying that I was thinking of going back to the game (which neither of us has played for months), and asking if he was planning on coming back eventually... but he did not respond. Today, I logged in the game, just to pay the upkeep of the house we used to share so it wouldn't be lost. Then, I saw I had been locked out of it. I looked and noticed that he had been online only two days ago, which is when he must have done it.

 

At this point I lost it. He couldn't be bothered to call me or let me know he was alright for a week, but he had it in him to log into the game and do that? I called him, just to leave him a nasty voicemail, because I knew he wouldn't pick up. He texted me right away as I was leaving him a voicemail, saying that he was at work. After a week without hearing from him, imagine my surprise.

 

It may seem like a minor action but after what we talked about and agreed on (to take a break but remain committed to each other), to take such final and hostile action against me was very hurtful. And he did it without even telling me. When he finally responded, he lied to me, saying that he had not done it. According to him, he has given the account to a friend of his. I know this isn't the case. He did it on the very same day I mentioned the game.

 

I begged him a million times to just tell me if he wanted me out of his life, that I would respect it, but he never did. When I saw this, I sent him a couple dozen texts giving him a piece of my mind, although he replied to none of them until I told him goodbye. Then he said he wasn't cutting me out of his life, that he is just really mixed up right now. A few texts later, he added that he didn't want to lose me! Too little, too late. He still couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and call.

 

I was set and ready to wait for him to get better - no matter how long it took - so long as I felt he still cared and wanted things between us to work out. This was the nail on the coffin. I'm so hurt. I'm so done.

 

Guess I was glad to read his feeble attempts at not letting me go. It gave me a small measure of satisfaction to know that deep down it was not what he wanted.

 

So I got closure now. I got to walk away on my own terms. But right now that doesn't help much. I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

 

 

Arabella

[KikiW]

That really REALLY sucks and I am so sorry you are hurting, but I am SO PROUD of you that you told him EXACTLY how you felt and when he made those half-@$$ed attempts to try and get you to stick around you kept on walking. GOOD FOR YOU.

 

Grrr at him!

[xpaperxcutx]

In- game relationships are fantasies, and if your LDR was partially based on avatars interacting with each other, why would you assume anything significant would result?

 

From what you've written it seems you're better off without him. Based on the way he had been acting towards you, ask yourself why you would be willing to forgive him and continue on with a relationship? He has refused to call or respond to your calls, texts and messages, and if those actions of his aren't enough to convince you, then ask yourself how much are you willing to abase yourself to beg and plead for him to come back?

 

Consider your dignity, the kind of person you are and the kind of respect you deserve.

[KikiW]

In- game relationships are fantasies, and if your LDR was partially based on avatars interacting with each other, why would you assume anything significant would result?

 

From what you've written it seems you're better off without him. Based on the way he had been acting towards you, ask yourself why you would be willing to forgive him and continue on with a relationship? He has refused to call or respond to your calls, texts and messages, and if those actions of his aren't enough to convince you, then ask yourself how much are you willing to abase yourself to beg and plead for him to come back?

 

Consider your dignity, the kind of person you are and the kind of respect you deserve.

 

With all due respect, did you read her post? She's ended the relationship.

 

And my SO and I met through an online game. We have been together for over a year, have visited each other several times for 3-9 days at a time, and he is at this moment following up on job leads so he can move here to be with me sometime within the next 4-8 weeks. Our relationship is not a fantasy.

[xpaperxcutx]

With all due respect, did you read her post? She's ended the relationship.

 

And my SO and I met through an online game. We have been together for over a year, have visited each other several times for 3-9 days at a time, and he is at this moment following up on job leads so he can move here to be with me sometime within the next 4-8 weeks. Our relationship is not a fantasy.

 

I did read her post and I was only reinforcing her actions on why she needed to end the relationship.

 

As for in-game relationships, I stick to my opinions. You're lucky to have your SO, but not all relationships end up like yours.

[Arabella]

KikiW:

 

Thank you for your support I appreciate your words and I know that I did the right thing, it just hurts so much right now. But, I know that the hurt goes away with time and I will be better off in the end.

 

Congrats to you and your SO, btw. I'm glad to see some of these relationships can and do work out if love is strong.

 

xpaperxcutx:

 

Er, the relationship wasn't in-game. That's just where we happened to meet. We played together for a few months but we both quit the game eventually and that's when the actual relationship developed as we began calling each other on the phone to keep in touch. First as friends, then feelings for each other grew as time went by.

 

I explained more about the specifics of our situation in my prior threads, but there also other major issues at play. He suffers from several mental conditions and emotional disorders and is severely depressed.

 

Please read my other threads before you insult me calling this relationship a fantasy. :/ There is a lot more to this than meets the eye and you're making wrongful assumptions without knowing the full extent of it.

 

 

 

Arabella

[xpaperxcutx]

xpaperxcutx:

 

Er, the relationship wasn't in-game. That's just where we happened to meet. We played together for a few months but we both quit the game eventually and that's when the actual relationship developed as we began calling each other on the phone to keep in touch. First as friends, then feelings for each other grew as time went by.

 

I explained more about the specifics of our situation in my prior threads, but there also other major issues at play. He suffers from several mental conditions and emotional disorders and is severely depressed.

 

Please read my other threads before you insult me calling this relationship a fantasy. :/ There is a lot more to this than meets the eye and you're making wrongful assumptions without knowing the full extent of it.

 

 

 

Arabella

 

My apologies. Yet let me paraphrase that I meant to imply that in- game relationships in general are a fantasy and not necessarily your relationship.

 

Anyways, I understand relationships where the other SO has a mental illness. It allows them to make excuses to do certain things and get away with them. I have suffered from depression myself, and I have from time to time blame my mood swings for my actions as opposed to taking full responsibility.

 

Your (ex ) SO disappears on and off without regards to your feelings. Then he comes back and tells you an excuse for you to forgive him, which you do so obligingly. Then he does it again.

 

For him it's a cycle. He will continue with his behaviour whether you are in his life or not. No matter how much you try to accommodate him, he will push you away. His behaviour whether intentional or not, is selfish, but since you have been through enough, you understand how tiring it had been to constantly wonder where he is and why he has been avoiding you.

 

I've read your previous threads. And yes, his mental illness plays a big part in his life. But I haven't seen anywhere where it says he is seeking medical help.

[Arabella]

You're right it's a cycle. It's gotten worse over the past couple of months to the point where I don't know that I have the strength to endure it anymore. He used to be a very sweet, fun, encouraging person. He has turned cold and gruff, despite the fact that since I got back from seeing him I have tried particularly hard to be supportive and patient.

 

At one point he realized his mood swings were ruining more things than just our relationship and finally decided to seek medical help. He got a new prescription for a mood stabilizer but I do not know if he's been taking it, as he is not very regular or consistent about taking his medications. He used to ask me to remind him of it, and since we have been out of touch lately, I have a feeling he hasn't been taking it.

 

I woke up to a text of his this morning, reminding me that I had said I would wait for him to get better, that he still loved me but couldn't put into words how he is feeling at the moment. He reiterated that what he did wasn't actually him but a friend of his whom he gave the account to. I know he's lying... because that's what he does whenever he knows he's messed up and needs to save face.

 

At this point, I'm not going to cut him out of my life, because I still care about him and his well-being very much. If he needs to talk to somebody, as his friend, I will be here... but I'm not going to wait for him anymore. I did say I would wait for him, but that was under the assumption that we would keep in touch. He hasn't held up his end of the bargain, and I don't feel obligated to do so either.

 

It's good to see that he still cares about me, but I can't do this anymore, so I chose to walk away. But whether it was my choice or his, it's painful all the same. I did everything I could and then some, and it just wasn't enough to hold us together...

 

 

Arabella

[Els]

In- game relationships are fantasies, and if your LDR was partially based on avatars interacting with each other, why would you assume anything significant would result?

 

PC, this in itself says an entirely different thing from what you're saying now. The OP clearly stated that they both MET in an online game (and she also stated clearly that they met in person a short while ago). Yet you still posted this. What was the point of writing this if you did not think it relates to the OP's post? I honestly do think that your thought process WAS 'met in game = ingame relationship = fantasy', and you're just trying to back up when people are coming up with rebuttals.

 

Don't get me wrong, I think you're a cool person and I really am not the kind of person to pick on specific posters. It's just that it feels glaringly obvious to me that you were generalizing that any relationship that involved people meeting in online games is somewhat less significant/less real.

 

On topic: OP, you're doing the right thing. I'm sorry it had to turn out this way. Don't blame yourself, sometimes we just gotta try and do our best to laugh it off if it doesn't work. No different from going on a date with a guy you just got to know.

[Arabella]

He texted me last night, out of his own volition, saying that he loves me and making some small talk about work. I was weak and I replied back saying that I love him too

 

Today I texted him saying that I didn't believe him in regards to the game thing and mentioning that I wish he'd explain to me why he did what he did. I also mentioned that it was very hard to trust him if he was never honest with me and that he was slowly starting to become somebody I hardly know anymore. No responses to anything.

 

In retrospect, these texts weren't exactly the way to start a productive conversation with anyone, but ugh. I love him, I really do... but at the same time I resent the way he's been treating me, and I resent even more the fact that he seems to have no respect or regard for my feelings.

 

Every time I think I'm done and I'm walking away... I tell myself, "maybe he will get better after all" and stick around... only to realize that he's not getting better anytime soon and I should walk away. At the same time though, I feel guilty for doing so and not offering him my support and friendship as I always have.

 

Ugh. This hurts...

 

Arabella

[Rollercoasterr]

Hey, guess what? If he really gave two hoots about you he'd call you or he'd say he was sorry face-to-face! It really annoys me how some girls can be so used to doormat behavior that they melt over an apology TEXT! I mean, really, what part about that made you gush with love for him? The part where he typed "im sry 4 being mean 2 u" or the part where you had to wait a few seconds before receiving the rest of the text?(assuming that it was long and heartfelt, of course). Come on, no one apologizes through a text and really means it from the bottom of their soul. If they did, they'd call and let you hear the sorry in their voice. That guy could have been having a beer with his buddies laughing at how stupid you were for believing him.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh, but I really think that some girls just need tough love. Good luck and I hope that you decide one day that he's not worth it.

[Island Girl]

I resent the way he's been treating me, and I resent even more the fact that he seems to have no respect or regard for my feelings.

 

So in truth he is a crappy person, has been, and continues to be.

 

He disregards YOUR feelings. wants, needs, and doesn't even treat you with common courtesy.

Someone who loves you would care about hurting you and would not do so continuously.

 

At the same time though, I feel guilty for doing so and not offering him my support and friendship as I always have.

 

So you are supposed to be there for him, support him, and be his friend although you are an after thought to him and he is in no way YOUR friend?

 

You feel guilty for taking care of yourself and getting out of a situation that is hurtful and damaging to you?

 

Bad news girlfriend. And if you are too deep in this to save yourself then you need to seek help.

[Arabella]

Hey, guess what? If he really gave two hoots about you he'd call you or he'd say he was sorry face-to-face!

 

Normally, I'd say you're absolutely right. But, he does have a history for having a hard time dealing with this sort of conversation over the phone. He just shuts down and becomes completely unable to give coherent responses and form thoughts. Overall, he just doesn't use the phone unless he knows it's going to be a pleasant conversation. He would even avoid listening to voicemails when he knew I was upset.

 

We haven't spoken on the phone since before we met in person a couple weeks ago as he has simply been too depressed to talk to anybody. He actually has gone several days without any contact whatsoever which is why I tolerate texts as a valid form of communication.

 

Come on, no one apologizes through a text and really means it from the bottom of their soul.

 

lol, this is the part where I feel absolutely stupid. You know, he never actually apologized. In fact, in the past few months, he hasn't apologized for anything where it was actually meaningful for him to do so. He hardly even acknowledged the reason why I was upset. :/ As if telling me he loves me was supposed to make everything better...

 

 

He disregards YOUR feelings. wants, needs, and doesn't even treat you with common courtesy.

Someone who loves you would care about hurting you and would not do so continuously.

 

I struggle with this because I've seen the person I believe him to be, and that's the person I fell in love with. Over the past couple of months I have seen him spiral down deeply into depression and slowly become someone completely different. Sometimes I can still see glimpses of who he was, and that's what makes me stick around.

 

He used to be one of the sweetest guys I've ever known who really seemed to care about what I felt. At some point, everything just began to change and I can tell it's not just toward me but towards everything.

 

He has become incredibly self-absorbed and unable to deal with any intense emotions or take into account other people's feelings. It's come to the point where he refuses to acknowledge anything that can be upsetting and cause him to sink deeper.

 

And if you are too deep in this to save yourself then you need to seek help.

 

Well, that's the thing. As I explained in other threads, we started out as friends. I've been there for him through a lot. He also suffers from a number of mental conditions which is the main reason why he behaves the way he does currently. The "friend" side of me feels compelled to stick by him, if that makes any sense... but I know that if I end it for good and tell him that I'm moving on, that will be the end of our friendship as well.

 

 

Arabella

[Island Girl]

The "friend" side of me feels compelled to stick by him, if that makes any sense... but I know that if I end it for good and tell him that I'm moving on, that will be the end of our friendship as well.

 

It seems to me this is a one sided friendship and you are getting eaten up in the process.

 

It's called self preservation. You aren't any good to anybody (including yourself) if you allow yourself to be hurt continually this way by anybody.

 

 

It seems that you need to start being a real friend to yourself.

[Arabella]

So he texted me tonight telling me he'd spent the day studying. I log in-game and I see he's been on only a few hours ago. I pick up the phone and call him - no response, big surprise.

 

At that moment it hit me. I just can't deal with his crap anymore. Even if he's being honest this once, and it's really not him, I don't trust him. He's lied to me so much. He keeps dismissing my feelings and never makes any attempts at showing any kind of care for me. Depressed or not, I wouldn't treat anybody like this, much less someone I claim to love.

 

So I left a voicemail and I told him exactly this. Then I sent him a handful of texts repeating the same, so one way or another, he would see it.

 

He texts me back almost right away...

 

him: whoa, hey, I don't use my account anymore... Didn't I make that clear?

me: Yes, and I think it's a lie.

him: Believe what you will

me: Fact is I don't trust you anymore and I'm tired of the way you treat me.

him: I'm going to sleep, perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

 

 

OMG! Not even at the end he could be bothered to acknowledge what I was saying! Typical him, avoiding the situation -again- hoping that I'll have cooled off in the morning and forgotten about it.

 

I really wish he would just say something like "Ok, I'm sorry for how things turned out, goodbye" so I couldn't deny it happened. By acting like this, he leaves the opportunity for me to forget what I said and continue like always... and I often do. Ugh.

 

I'm determined to not text him tomorrow. One day at a time...

 

 

Arabella

[xpaperxcutx]

So he texted me tonight telling me he'd spent the day studying. I log in-game and I see he's been on only a few hours ago. I pick up the phone and call him - no response, big surprise.

 

At that moment it hit me. I just can't deal with his crap anymore. Even if he's being honest this once, and it's really not him, I don't trust him. He's lied to me so much. He keeps dismissing my feelings and never makes any attempts at showing any kind of care for me. Depressed or not, I wouldn't treat anybody like this, much less someone I claim to love.

 

So I left a voicemail and I told him exactly this. Then I sent him a handful of texts repeating the same, so one way or another, he would see it.

 

He texts me back almost right away...

 

him: whoa, hey, I don't use my account anymore... Didn't I make that clear?

me: Yes, and I think it's a lie.

him: Believe what you will

me: Fact is I don't trust you anymore and I'm tired of the way you treat me.

him: I'm going to sleep, perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

 

 

OMG! Not even at the end he could be bothered to acknowledge what I was saying! Typical him, avoiding the situation -again- hoping that I'll have cooled off in the morning and forgotten about it.

 

I really wish he would just say something like "Ok, I'm sorry for how things turned out, goodbye" so I couldn't deny it happened. By acting like this, he leaves the opportunity for me to forget what I said and continue like always... and I often do. Ugh.

 

I'm determined to not text him tomorrow. One day at a time...

 

 

Arabella

 

You should have stuck to NC from the very moment you started this thread. Instead by texting him and emailing him, you merely gave him more ammunition to reply on his own terms. This isn't hurting him in the slightest, and in fact is having the very reversal effect you don't want.

 

Why are you trying to elicit a reply from him? He will not give you closure and it's evident and clear in his actions to avoid confrontation.

 

You either have to move on by yourself or continue on like this torturing yourself.

[Arabella]

You should have stuck to NC from the very moment you started this thread. Instead by texting him and emailing him, you merely gave him more ammunition to reply on his own terms. This isn't hurting him in the slightest, and in fact is having the very reversal effect you don't want.

 

Why are you trying to impel a reply from him? He will not give you closure and it's evident and clear in his actions to avoid confrontation.

 

You either have to move on by yourself or continue on like this torturing yourself.

 

Yes, I should have stuck to NC... but then in those few texts he sent me I saw a fleeting glimpse of how he used to be and I couldn't help myself I'm not doing that again though.

 

I guess I felt like I needed him to acknowledge that we're over so I can move on... but you're right. I'm not going to get closure from him in his current condition, so I'm going to have to manage to move on by myself.

 

It's so hard sometimes though. It used to be that every time either of us had anything worthy of sharing throughout the day, we would text the other. Now it's like I look at the phone and I have to consciously make an effort -not- to text him.

 

It feels like I'm quitting smoking all over again... lol.

 

 

Arabella

[Rollercoasterr]

I say that you've been making excuses for him for so long that you don't know when to stop. Sure, the guy has problems, but that doesn't mean that he gets a free pass for everything that's hard for him. By allowing him to do that you're allowing him to walk all over you. And by the lighthearted posts that you make even when you're saying that you shouldn't do these things, tell me that you're not serious about this break-up and that you'll go back to him. I have a friend just like that and even though the guy she's with just went back to his ex wife and traded his clothes for drugs, she'll go right back to him. You will too. Unless you get stronger and stop making stupid excuses for him and his actions, you'll go back.

[Arabella]

I say that you've been making excuses for him for so long that you don't know when to stop. Sure, the guy has problems, but that doesn't mean that he gets a free pass for everything that's hard for him. By allowing him to do that you're allowing him to walk all over you. And by the lighthearted posts that you make even when you're saying that you shouldn't do these things, tell me that you're not serious about this break-up and that you'll go back to him. I have a friend just like that and even though the guy she's with just went back to his ex wife and traded his clothes for drugs, she'll go right back to him. You will too. Unless you get stronger and stop making stupid excuses for him and his actions, you'll go back.

 

You make an awful lot of assumptions there, but you are right in one thing.

 

I've been justifying his behavior with his mental illness for far too long. He has become accustomed to being able to blame everything on his depression and mental condition. As a result, he makes no effort whatsoever to treat me properly.

 

As for my lighthearted posts... I compared the man I love with a nefarious, deadly habit. It may be masked in levity but don't lose sight of the meaning of what I said. I fully realize what this situation has become and why I need to stop.

 

 

Arabella