Abuse has ruined my life!!!!

[CARL45]

I am still dealing with the effects of sexual abuse in my life. A few years ago I revealed to my parents that I was sexually abused by my brother. There reaction at the time was that of oh he must have been abused. At the time I really did not think anything of it, until I meet my new therapist who thought that was sick because he believed that my parents did not really come to terms with the abuse. The more I thought about it the more I believed that was to be the case. The abuse happened when I was 5 and my brother was ten. Sense then my mother who works in the school district has been trying to help him get a job at a school. This has troubled me to no end, so I told my therapist about it and he told me I should call the authorities. Well yesterday I went to the police department and wrote a report. I felt like I was reliving the whole thing again. The thing that was the most painful is the way my mother is allowing him to work at school.

 

What I really wanted to talk about is how badly the abuse effected my life. First I better start with why I am in therapy. Its because I was caught watching porn in the computer in my parents house. What really got me was the way me and my therapist was able to connect this back to abuse that I got from my brother as a child. My brother exposed me to pornography when I was the age of 5 and from there on I have been addicted. I really thank God for this therapist because he has opened my eyes to the far reaching effects of the abuse. The abuse has also taken an effect on my confidence I feel I have to hide things and because of that it has lead me not really to have any deep relationships with people. My romantic aspirations messed up and only slowly have I began to grow. I feel sadly that I really can't go to my parents anymore. They seem not to have the most sound advice. They force me to say hi to my brother whenever he calls which is about ever day!!! But I feel as though I can get through this. It's just that my parents frustrate me with the fact that there sweeping my brothers abuse under the rug. Maybe unfortunately they have become delusional. I hated having to go to the police about this, but once he started to work at a school I had no choice because other people's children are involved. I believe now that I am growing. I feel that I can get my confidence back, I just need time. I also trying to set boundaries with my parents and that probably where I have the most trouble.Can anybody relate to this?

[EsmerKiss7]

Did you ever mention this to your brother?

[CARL45]

I have yet to confront him. He can become very close to being violent!!! which is really the problem I have with confronting him. But I really should not have to see him. I am only doing it for my parents, but I should not be doing it at all.

[hoping2heal]

Carl, I am glad and proud of you for going into therapy. I'm glad you are realising the long term effects of sexual abuse, and how it is not something that gets better with time; it doesn't. It CAN and DOES get better mind you it isn't a hopeless battle; but it gets better with hard work and healing not with ignoring it and letting time go by. Time doesn't lessen the wounds or hurts of sexual abuse instead it exacerbates them.

 

Now, as for your parents; When I told my parents I was sexually abused by a cousin I got the same response "he must of been abused" further more "I don't think there's anything they can do (legally) when he was a child himself." That was from my mother's mouth. My father had no reaction at all, I mean none. Wait- I guess he did say "well when did this supposedly happen?" and starting making jabs that I do nothing but lie in the days that follow. My own mother has told me she needs to see a doctors report to "understand" but when confronted I get her to admit what she really means is to "believe". I don't talk to either of my parents about what happened to me now.

 

There is NO point. They will not validate me, they will not support me. They will minimize my pain and suffering and they will invalidate my experience, they will hurt me deeply. This same seems to be the case for you and your parents. I wouldn't bother trying to have an ally in the healing journey because they aren't going to be one..does that make sense? Also, your parents have NO, I mean NONE whatsoever right to force you to speak to your abuser. Ok? You need to put your foot down.

 

You are used to accomodating others; it's what the abuse does to us. It makes us people pleasers we have to run on everyone else's schedule. We lack boundries in everything. If you don't want to talk to brother? You DON'T. If you don't want to confront him? You DON'T. Start learning to be sensitive to YOUR wants/needs. If you don't want to do something don't do it. My mother knows how to play the guilt and manipulation game like no other and once I stood up to her? It just took the wind out of her sails, now she doesn't do it nearly as much becasue I've taken the power of that back. I stand up for myself. You need, it's IMPORTANT and IMPERATIVE you do the same with your parents.

 

It's going to help you a lot to create a "safe" list. I have done this. This list is all the people who I can talk about my sexual abuse with and who will validate me and not hurt me. It's a very small list and all the people on it? Have known me less than a year. Whilst the list of people who have hurt me or invalidated or minimized my abuse and I can't talk too is a much, much longer list and my former best friends, and all my family is on that one.

 

That's just the reality; more often than not parents hurt their children and perpuate the hurt by not believing, not validating, and minimizing their childrens abuse experience. So, make that list and ONLY speak to those whom are on it, because trying to talk to anyone else or get support will only hurt you because those people CAN'T and WON'T give you what you need during this time.

[Green]

I've never been abused but to me it seems like u did the right thing. Although the abuse has not ruined your life. Seriously to say it has no effect would be a lie but to say your life is ruined because of it is also one. good luck to you