LisaUk Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Really I can't see the point in going on. No matter what I try to do, nothing is ever good enough for the people in my life. It seems I just get peoples backs up. My mother is emotionally abusive, she always has been, I endure personal attack every day of my life. When my ex left and put me on the street I had no choice but to return to my parents, yet it was the last place on earth I wanted to go. Today, my mum blew up for no reason that I can comprehend and now she has put me on the street as well. There must be something about me or the way that I treat people or something. I don't know what I have done to deserve this. I can't see a point to living anymore, there's no joy or happiness in my life, just a daily grind of walking on eggshells and pain from my ex leaving. God knows I am trying, I really am, I thought going to uni would provide the best hope for a future, so I could get my own place and remove myself from this volitale living enviroment. Now, I have paid out fees I have lost b/c I cannot go to uni anymore, I have to find somewhere to live and al job of some description. Either that, or maybe I would just be better off ending it all, b/c really that is how I feel, why even bother trying? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Incoming PM Lisa, please stick around!!!!!! Let me know your still there! Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa chin up honey ask some classmates you have met if you can stay and keep going to uni...talk to your mum about your plans and see if she will let you stay for a specific amount of time to find a place and a job...does the Uni have a student help section...you really need counseling and help now...seek out a shelter and seek some help...I don't like how you feel but I know that you have a brain and wouldn't leave me or the others without you...we can't beat you up and we all don't understand what we did in a past life to deserve what we are all going thru too... Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, nothing is worth that. Your stronger then all that. Do not think like that. He's not worth it, your mums not worth it, stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Hey Lisa, Moving back home sucks, it does, but we all do what we have to do temporarily to survive. I had to move back home a long time ago after my first ex-husband with a 3 year old in tow, no car, no job, no child support and couldn't even hire a lawyer because I moved from out of state. I felt like my mother was punishing me all the time, even felt like I was an interloper in her house because I was so depressed all the time. In reality, she was giving me what I needed to get on with life...a swift kick in the arse. It's easier said than done to pick yourself back up and get on with life, but it IS possible. It's not you or something that you have done, it's what your emotions are making you become. I've always told my kids this and it's advice that I even need to remind myself of from time to time...in moments of weakness, YOU CONTROL HOW OTHER PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL. If someone makes you feel unworthy but you've done nothing that you can tell, then it's their problem...not yours. The important thing to remember is that staying in the game of life means to find the rewards that life has to offer. You won't know what those are if you don't play the game and it can have so many....one day you will look back and see that this phase was only a bump in the road. It doesn't look like that now, but take it from someone who has been there...it truly is just a bump. Keep posting! We are listening. Hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, if you won't talk to me or us, call these guys, talk to someone. http://www.samaritans.org/ They are in the UK and have a crisis hotline. Just let us know your OK!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa chin up honey ask some classmates you have met if you can stay and keep going to uni...talk to your mum about your plans and see if she will let you stay for a specific amount of time to find a place and a job...does the Uni have a student help section...you really need counseling and help now...seek out a shelter and seek some help...I don't like how you feel but I know that you have a brain and wouldn't leave me or the others without you...we can't beat you up and we all don't understand what we did in a past life to deserve what we are all going thru too... Ladybug, in a normal relationship between daughter and mother a person may be able to talk to their mother about their plans. There is nothing normal about my mum, believe me when I say abusive, I'm not using that word lightly. Imagine not daring to even speak when you are at home for fear of the consequences. Welcome to my world! I just don't have any hope or strength left. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, I don't know what to say...please, please, please, please hang in there. It's okay to have those thoughts, almost everyone contemplates it at some point, but it's NOT okay to act on them. So many people are here for you and care about you, and you have helped SO many people. You have been my role model through this whole ordeal! I don't quite understand what's going on with the money for school...? Is it because you have nowhere to live now that you can't keep going to uni? I have PM now, so use it all you want. Please stick with us! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, please read your PM's lets talk about this, you know I've felt what your feeling!!! I included my phone # call me collect if you want, I don't care what it costs! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Oh ya, and schools are usually very understanding of these things. Please, if you can, find someone to talk to in administration/counseling/equity. I had to go into equity services and spill my whole story, and they let me take a break from school, no academic or financial penalty (they kept my minimum tuition to hold my spot). What's going on with your dad during this time? Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa I may not know your world but I know you are strong enough to make it thru this...If any of us had the money we would take you in in a heart beat! Sounds like a better idea to get out of that house anyway...everything happens for a reason...but you see as Trippi said you control how others make you feel...Get mad at the fates that things have to sink this low for you to find the way up...and hurting yourself is giving everyone else the upper hand and you have the mind and heart to help so many out there and smack those *********s down whree they belong...Including your mother! you are a grown woman who can dish it back just as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, if you won't talk to me or us, call these guys, talk to someone. http://www.samaritans.org/ They are in the UK and have a crisis hotline. Just let us know your OK!! Thans but how? How would I call them? I don't know how to explain this to people who have not experienced it, I can't use the phone, I am in her house, how can I use the phone? I am not allowed to have an emotion, a feeling other than what she wants me to feel and express and that is obendience and compliance. I MUST appear happy and aminable at ALL times, the first time I express an opinion or an emotion of any kind all hell breaks lose. She's not reasonable, you can't talk to her, it's not just me it's my father gets it as well. I daren't speak, I sit up in my bedroom 12 hours a day to keep out of her way. I am 33 years old and I have to ask permission to leave the house. Seriously, you have no idea, I am CONTROLLED to the point of not being allowed to have my own feelings. Why would I go on? There is no point, I can't even call a crisis line, b/c I will be overheard, I can't leave the house to use my cell phone, b/c that will set her off to. I don't want her getting physically abusive on top of everything alreday kicking off here, it has been known in the past, she once whacked me over the head with a frying pan! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 6 months is an awful spot for a lot of people it seems. But you've made so much progress. This is just a backslide....a really bad one, I'm not trying to play it down, but there will be an upside. Get to a doctor if you have to. Do anything. Call Tojaz! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 If your safe in your room for now, please answer my PM's , we can talk about all this. I have all day! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 She sleeps, doesn't she? Escape through a window, do anything if you need to get out. I'm not sure if anything that I'm saying is helping. I'm awful at taking others' advice. You can write me back and tell me everything I'm saying won't work, it's fine. Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 lisa, i don't know what to say except please don't give in to your thoughts. with all you've been through, you know what's needed. please, please, please don't answer those thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 If i have to double my post count to know your safe, you know I'll do that!! We've talked at length about your home life Lisa, but this is n't anything worth even considering something like this. I shared my darkest moments with you! You know how close I came!! To be honest in suffering through all this together, you are the best friend I have in the world. Just talk to me, we can work this out!! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 I'm gonna stick around as much as I can too. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 You still there Lisa? Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, please answer everyone's posts! Please let us know you are ok! Tojaz, if she has responded to your PMs, please post and let us know you have heard from her and she is ok! There were a few days when I was low enough to think that maybe it would be easier to "escape" than to continue feeling the pain! I can tell you, it's not worth it! I'm sure you remember that my brother committed suicide July 25th! Please don't act on your thoughts, there is nothing more painful than to lose someone over suicide! Things will get better, I promise! Things happen for a reason and this is happening to all of us bc there are better things in store for us ahead...we just have to be patient! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaUk Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 SHB, the tuition fees are already paid and as such I cannot get them back under any circumstances. I will not be able to continue with uni b/c I cannot afford to support myself financially, I do not qualify for a student loan and I would not have time, even for a part time job with all the compulsoy lecture and tutorial hours plus the study time required. The course I was doing was a Post graduate course to convert my degree to a law degree, it is essentially doing the last 2 years of an undergrad degree in one year, so very full on. In any case, I just don't want to carry on with life, I nearly commited suicide when my ex left me, my best friend managed to stop me from throwing myself under a train. Now, I just think what was the point, I should have done it then and saved myself all this extra pain, for every step I take forward, something comes along and kicks me back down. There is something I have not shared with many on LS, and that is that for 7 years I suffered with servere agoraphobia following a five and half year long, very painful stomach illness. I had just started to get back on my feet from that when the b*****d jilted me. So even just going 60 miles everyday on a train to uni is EXTREMELY difficult for me. Panic attacks are frequent at the moment and the NHS is so underfunded I am STILL waiting for CBT referal, 6 months later. I just don't seem to be able to get on. I thought things were looking up, with uni, meant I would be in school all day every day away from the h**l of home. Now I have to find somewhere to live (thanks to Anne for PMing me UK housing info) and try and get work, although I wasn't able to b/c of the recession before I applied to school. All this truely makes me feel like taking my own life, there is just no point, no happiness, I already lost my home once, now again and this time I lose my cat also, b/c I won't be able to take her with me. I'm sorry I posted, it wasn't fair to worry you all, whatever I do I will have to do myself. Thanks to you all for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
broken hearted Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, you can get through this, we can all get through this difficult time! Please please please don't act on your thoughts! You have no idea how many people care deeply about you and would be devastated if anything happened to you! Please call someone ASAP so that they can help and support you through this... Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Lisa, maybe this means nothing to you right now, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Things will change. Look at how much your life has changed drastically. Look at how much all of our lives have changed drastically. You are at rock bottom, but it can't possibly stay like this. No one's circumstances remain the same. Even if we all tried to keep everything in our lives constant, it wouldn't work. Things will change. And don't worry about worrying us. We are here for you, like you are here for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 LISA I HAVE PMed YOU... I HAVE NEVER DIVULGED MY OWN FAMILY LIFE... BUT READING YOUR FIRST POST SOUNDS LIKE I COULD HAVE WROTE IT.. MY MOM IS AN EVIL CONNIVING NARCISSTIC BT***... SHE WALKS RIGHT BY ME LIKE I DON'T EVEN EXIST...(WE LIVE ONE BLOCK FROM EACH OTHER)...AND WHEN SHE DOES TALK TO ME..IT IS ONLY TO YELL AT ME AND TELL ME WHAT A FAILURE I AM...ITS AWFUL...AND I HAVE BEEN THERE.. I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT OF MY LIFE THAT I WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER AGAIN...SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...I REALLY REALLY DO.. I LEFT MY PHONE NUMBERS ...PLEASE CALL ME.. WE CAN GET THRU THIS.. I GET IT!... I DON'T KNOW WHY GOD GAVE US SUCH CRAPPY MOMS...WHEN I TRULY BELIEVE WE, YOU AND I LISA, ARE GOOD DECENT PEOPLE.. MAYBE THAT IS WHY WE BECAME SO CARING AND KIND TO OTHERS... BECAUSE WE FOUGHT SO HARD TO NOT BE LIKE OUR MOTHERS.. I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW AWFUL MY MOTHER IS.. SHE MADE ME SO CRAZY, WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME....I HAVE BEEN IN THERAPY FOR OVER 22 YEARS NOW BECAUSE OF MY MOTHER...THAT IS THE GOD'S HONEST TRUTH.. SO I AM TELLING THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. SO MUCH PERSONAL STUFF.. HOPING YOU CAN SEE IT...YOU NEED TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS....PLEASE LISA...YOU MUST CALL ME OR AT LEAST PM ME OR SOMETHING...WE NEED TO TALK ... DO NOT LET THESE HORRIBLE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND THEY ARE CERTAINLY NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!! THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT LISA!!! WE LOVE YOU AND ARE HERE FOR YOU... WE WILL GET YOU THRU THIS ALL OF US HERE TOGETHER... YOU HAVE REACHED OUT WITH YOUR THREAD... SO KEEP POSTING AND LET US GET YOU THRU THIS.. THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY..I PROMISE...THERE IS... I AM LIVING PROOF...BELIEVE ME ON THE LIVING PART... THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY!!! WE LOVE YOU LISA.... PLEASE CONTACT ME OR TOJAZ...OR WHOEVER YOU CAN TALK TO RIGHT NOW..PLEASE??? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 look at all the people who love you lisa, please keep talking to me!! Link to post Share on other sites
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