Now what??

[ratjak]

I'm 21, my ex girlfriend is 18. We recently went through a bad time. When we first met last year, I thought of her as only a friend, she wanted more. After a few months, I started to become more and more drawn to her, so I decided I did want a closer relationship. She seemed happy about that.

 

I started then to go out of my way to be nice to her. I bought her many gifts, made myself available to her all the time, and even stopped arguing or discussing thigns with her that we disagreed on. She told me I didn't have to do all that, but I kept on doing it. When this started to bother her, instead of stopping, I tried even harder to be nice. She stopped calling me--and after I stoped over a few more times, she finally said that while we can still talk, she did not want me to come over anymore. I was not beign myself and her mother was even starting to get worried.

 

That was almost 3 months ago. I wrote her a few times (once a week) at first, and she did not reply. I kept thigns simple and did not talk about my feelings though. A few weeks after that, I tried to call her but when she answered she said she was too busy to talk, and that I should call her later at 9pm. I did so, and at 9 she did not answer the phone. At that point I felt that she really did not want anythign to do with me.

 

I sent her a graduation card a week after that and wrote nothing in it, and I sent her one last letter 2 weeks ago where I came out and said that I did care for her, but respected her right to decide what is best for her. I also said that if we did talk again I would not hold on so tight.

 

After that, I did not expect to hear from her.

 

Now, just the other day, I got an email on my computer from her. She did not bring up her feelings at all, but it was a friendly letter.

 

I know based on my actions toward her I scared her away. I also know that if she was to possibly want to be friends again, it would take time. I did take time and waited a few months. I did not pressure her. She is even much different than most 18 year olds in that she is VERY independant. She grew up with not much money and her father left the family when she was only 3, so she wants to do things for herself and does not rely on others for help.

 

I am happy she wrote back now, but my question is what do I do now? I figure I should wait a week or so before I write her back, but what should I say when I do? Any thoughts or ideas?

[Tony T]

THE THING YOU SHOULD DO IS NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AGAIN.

 

I just got a few sentences into the second paragraph of your post when the reason for your problems poked right out at me. YOU WERE SIMPLY TOO DAMNED NICE!!!

 

First, girls in general DO NOT like a man who is too nice, too predictable, too sweet, always giving gifts, etc. It makes many of the barf, as in REGURGITATION. To many it is simply not a challenge, to others it seems phoney, and to even more it is simply behavior that is foreign to them.

 

Since her father left her mom when she was young, she's probably gotten an earful from her mother about how bastardly men are. So when a nice one turns up, it just doesn't ring right with her. It's something foreign.

 

Secondly, it is really sickening to a girl to have a guy just bend over backwards to meet her every single need. That is no challenge whatsoever. The electrical charge that provides the passion for romance is often the unpredictability, the uncertainty.

 

OK, now to make it work.

 

1. Do not be predictable. Do not call her every day and do not call her at the same times of the day. Always be THE FIRST to end the conversation. Make some calls very short...but nice. Others, make a little longer. DON'T talk to her for hours, except very rarely.

 

2. If you have to leave a message for her, don't be around all the time when she calls back. BE SURE TO MAKE ALL THIS LOOK VERY NATURAL. DON'T EVER LET ON THAT THIS IS A STRATEGY.

 

3. Do not answer her every Email and do not answer all of them quickly. Answer some right away....others wait a day....others wait a few days.

 

4. Do NOT ask her out in a predictable fashion. Let a week go by just talking to her once or twice on the phone and don't ask her out at all. Let her know there is MORE to your life than her.

 

5. Do NOT shower her with gifts. A card and small gift for her birthday, something at Valentine's Day, a nice card and gift and Christmas is fine. DO NOT give special things to her mother. Do NOT buy her things she says she likes when you go to a mall or shopping. DON'T even surprise her with it later except on RARE occasion.

 

6. Get a life of your own apart from her. Don't let her think she's the only thing you have going in your life. Spend lots of time with friends and DON'T invite her along except on occasion.

 

7. Send her FLOWERS no more than once a year for the first year. If you send them for her birthday or Valentines Day, forget any other time...unless she dies.

 

Remember, in psychology, intermittent reinforcement is far more powerful than any other kind. If a lady starts taking you for granted, you are DEAD in the water!!!

 

No matter how much you want to act otherwise, if you don't do what I say here, you will sicken this girl to death and she will NEVER EVER want to talk to you. But if you have the strength to be a man, she will love you until the end of time.

 

Never, ever treat her mean or with disrepect...just DON'T KISS HER ASS!!!

 

If you really want to have her drop dead fall in love with you, go to a bookstore or website and order:

 

"Love Tactics" By Thomas W. McKnight & Robert H. Phillips

 

"More Love Tactics" By the same authors

 

Also, see if they still publish a book entitled "Nice Guys Don't Get Laid" If not, get it from a used book supplier. I don't recall the name of the author but it contains priceless information for nice guys like you.

 

Read them from cover to cover and pick out what is appropriate for your relationship.

 

Now, you are a nice guy. Logic tells you that being nice will get you what you want. But that simply isn't true in this case and in many other cases. You have got to play some games.

 

Now there are a lot of people who will read this and get really pissed that I am suggesting you play games. To them I say if they don't think love is a game sometimes, they are living on another planet.

 

Now, start being a man and STOP being a lovesick pup. And if this girl doesn't respond in a positive fashion move on to another chick who will. I UNCONDITIONALLY GUARANTEE THAT IF THIS GIRL SHOULD FIND OUR YOU ARE SEENING SOMEONE ELSE, SHE WILL LICK YOUR FEET OVERNIGHT.

 

I didn't have any say in how this world was created or how people work. I am not responsible for all this. But I can tell you that this is what you have to do if you want this girl to fall for you big time.

 

REMEMBER, BE KIND, RESPECTFUL, CONSIDERATE BUT NOT TOO NICE, GENEROUS, AND PREDICTABLE. GIVE HER A RUN FOR HER MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!

 

If you aren't up to this, then just forget her (and most other girls your age).

 

DISCLAIMER: There are many wonderful girls from good families who do respond positively to nice men but this girl isn't one of them. As women get older, they typically are far more receptive to kind men and more receptive to their kindness, particularly as the relationship progresses. However, you will rarely meet any lady who is turned-on to a super super overnice guy right up front. As the relationship progresses, you can become nicer but never get to the point of being a doormat. Remember, if a lady can't respect you, she can't love you.

 

Now I've painted the whole picture for you here. If you don't make it with this chick, I'm going to be really upset!!!

[billy the kid]

my self I would give her time and space, but no presure.. if it is ment to be it will be. only time will tell.. just don't chase her away..

I'm 21, my ex girlfriend is 18. We recently went through a bad time. When we first met last year, I thought of her as only a friend, she wanted more. After a few months, I started to become more and more drawn to her, so I decided I did want a closer relationship. She seemed happy about that. I started then to go out of my way to be nice to her. I bought her many gifts, made myself available to her all the time, and even stopped arguing or discussing thigns with her that we disagreed on. She told me I didn't have to do all that, but I kept on doing it. When this started to bother her, instead of stopping, I tried even harder to be nice. She stopped calling me--and after I stoped over a few more times, she finally said that while we can still talk, she did not want me to come over anymore. I was not beign myself and her mother was even starting to get worried. That was almost 3 months ago. I wrote her a few times (once a week) at first, and she did not reply. I kept thigns simple and did not talk about my feelings though. A few weeks after that, I tried to call her but when she answered she said she was too busy to talk, and that I should call her later at 9pm. I did so, and at 9 she did not answer the phone. At that point I felt that she really did not want anythign to do with me. I sent her a graduation card a week after that and wrote nothing in it, and I sent her one last letter 2 weeks ago where I came out and said that I did care for her, but respected her right to decide what is best for her. I also said that if we did talk again I would not hold on so tight.

 

After that, I did not expect to hear from her. Now, just the other day, I got an email on my computer from her. She did not bring up her feelings at all, but it was a friendly letter.

 

I know based on my actions toward her I scared her away. I also know that if she was to possibly want to be friends again, it would take time. I did take time and waited a few months. I did not pressure her. She is even much different than most 18 year olds in that she is VERY independant. She grew up with not much money and her father left the family when she was only 3, so she wants to do things for herself and does not rely on others for help. I am happy she wrote back now, but my question is what do I do now? I figure I should wait a week or so before I write her back, but what should I say when I do? Any thoughts or ideas?

[D.]

Let me just share this with you as it says it all:

 

"To Thine Own Self Be True&.."

 

by LanThi (February 2, 2000)

 

"To thine own self be true&.."

 

Most of us are familiar with the above quote taking from Shakespeare's Hamlet, but how many of us know this verse: "And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man." Unless we can be true to ourselves first, we cannot be true to others.

 

To thine own self be true&..how profound. How many of us have a hard time being true to ourselves? Those of us that gave our life to another at the cost of loosing who we are in the process will have a hard time being true to ourselves. Allowing someone else to define who we are, we lose our ability to discover and grow inwardly. We no longer are able to discern a truth from a lie. For many of us, we have accepted lies for so long, that finding out what is true takes time. Having done this very thing, I know how difficult the journey to self-discovery can be.

 

Truth&.truth is a word that brings out such negative reactions to many of us. You see truth is really an action word. You cannot accept truth without change. Accepting truth about ourselves is difficult, especially to those of us who have been abused. But

 

truth does set one free if we will allow it to; it is a crucial part of healing. It gives us the freedom to be who we are. We are able to come to terms with our weakness (without condemnation) and appreciate our strength. Truth gives strength; it naturally builds healthy boundaries. Truth is open; it is honest even at the risk of being vulnerable again. Truth is light and brings forth life. When we walk in truth, we walk in light and when we walk in light we live a healthy life.

 

Truth is also love. The greatest act of love towards another is living a life that is truthful. For those of us who find it difficult to love ourselves, we will find it will come more easily when we walk in truth about who we are. If we walk in truth, we walk in perfect love, and if we walk in perfect love, then we do not walk in fear because perfect love cast out fear. Because we have been honest with ourselves, we are able to love ourselves with all of our imperfections, knowing that we are in "process" and therefore need not have others approval. This is freedom indeed.

 

The second part of this verse is a natural occurrence if we hold true to the first part of the verse. So, when in doubt as to our motives of not being truthful with someone&.look inside, are we being less than truthful to ourselves?

 

"This above all: to thine ownself be true,

 

And it must follow, as the night the day,

 

Thou canst not then be false to any man."

 

-Shakespeare-Hamlet

 

In conclusion ....... in the future, be yourself, say what is on your mind. Do those things that show the real you. Give her the opportunity to decide whether she likes the REAL you ... not the "put on Mr. Nice Guy" that you have been. You THINK you are doing a really wonderful thing, but you are, in fact, doing BOTH OF YOU a grave injustice! Be yourself~!

 

D.

[Jo]

OK, you've got to remember your a few years senior to this girl. I know it may not seem like much, but if you think about all you've probably experienced in those three years from 18-21, I think you would find you learnt alot. She may have seen you, wanted you, got you, became scared of what she had gotten herself into (especially if you were a little clingy!), and ran! No reflection on yourself as a person, and I agree that maybe she isn't used to a male figure in her life being SO nice! I mean what we cling to in life is not always the nicest or the best thing for us, but usually the most familiar to us!

 

I mean, but what were you doing!?! There is being nice and then there is BEING NICE!(sorry, if you think I'm having a go at you) You don't have to do all that stuff when you are with someone. I'm quite sure she started off in a relationship with you, just happy to be with you! Just be yourself and if that's not good enough, what can you do really! Sure, be nice, but remember that as a boyfriend you are there to enhance her life, not be her life (and vice-versa). You both existed (and happily I'm sure) before you met, and will continue to do so after you part (if that happens!). Oh, and also, if 2 people agree all the time, one of them doesn't think! Speak your mind. It's your right to at least put forward your opinion. If other people don't like it, so be it, as long as you don't try to force this opinion onto them, then what's the harm. After all I think we all enjoy a little verbal sparring match every once in a while. Nothing major, just a bit of an intelligent arguement is good for the brain!

 

In my opinion, since she did respond, she just might still have feelings for you. I think you calmed her nerves in saying that you had feelings for her, but respected her right to do what was best for her. I mean, maybe she thought that you were becoming too possessive or something like that, and no one likes that (and she might have thought that was where the relationship was going). Assuring her that you wouldn't hold on too tight was good, as long as you think you are capable of carrying through with that. I read something the other day and thought it was pretty useful:

 

'Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, within the open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on to some of it, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Hold loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact, but hold too tightly, too possessively and the relationship slips away and is lost.'

 

My advice is not only for her and so as things will work out better for you two (hopefully), it is also for you. Don't loose yourself in your relationship. Continue your own friendships and have your own interests. Just because the two of you are involved it doesn't mean that everyone or everything else in your life suddenly disappears or is at a stand-still. Enjoy your relationship with her, but also enjoy your relationships (friendships that is, I'm not implying you have a couple of girlfriends!) with others.

 

As for writing back, I think you should do so after a few days to a week. Be friendly but don't bombard her too much with lots of feelings and whatnot. Just general chit-chat about what has been happening in your life and of course show interest in what she has been up to. I think she'll come around after she discovers that you realise where you went wrong and are happy to take steps to correct this. As you said and obviously realise, it will probably take a bit of time.

 

Don't be discouraged though. You sound like a great guy, and no matter what some girls say, I think we all just want someone to treat us, well, like a princess! (at least every once in a while!) Just be sure not to go too overboard. Put yourself first sometimes and let her do a little bit of the work and chasing. I hope everything works out well for you and as in all good romantic movies the good guy gets the girl! Also just a general tip: Smile, it makes people wonder!

[bob]

Listen to what Tony has to say, I didn't and i made a HUGE mistake. I was totally head over heels in love with this girl, and i was TOO NICE and i pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on. I called her every day and i sent her flowers once a week. Because i was soooo niceto her, i have lost her love and her. There isn't a day that goes by that i don't regret everything that i have done. I MISS HER SOOO MUCH, but I just have to live with it and write it down in the books as a lesson learned. If you don't do what Tony says then you will LOSE her forever. Please don't make thes same mistake I have done.

 

OK, you've got to remember your a few years senior to this girl. I know it may not seem like much, but if you think about all you've probably experienced in those three years from 18-21, I think you would find you learnt alot. She may have seen you, wanted you, got you, became scared of what she had gotten herself into (especially if you were a little clingy!), and ran! No reflection on yourself as a person, and I agree that maybe she isn't used to a male figure in her life being SO nice! I mean what we cling to in life is not always the nicest or the best thing for us, but usually the most familiar to us! I mean, but what were you doing!?! There is being nice and then there is BEING NICE!(sorry, if you think I'm having a go at you) You don't have to do all that stuff when you are with someone. I'm quite sure she started off in a relationship with you, just happy to be with you! Just be yourself and if that's not good enough, what can you do really! Sure, be nice, but remember that as a boyfriend you are there to enhance her life, not be her life (and vice-versa). You both existed (and happily I'm sure) before you met, and will continue to do so after you part (if that happens!). Oh, and also, if 2 people agree all the time, one of them doesn't think! Speak your mind. It's your right to at least put forward your opinion. If other people don't like it, so be it, as long as you don't try to force this opinion onto them, then what's the harm. After all I think we all enjoy a little verbal sparring match every once in a while. Nothing major, just a bit of an intelligent arguement is good for the brain! In my opinion, since she did respond, she just might still have feelings for you. I think you calmed her nerves in saying that you had feelings for her, but respected her right to do what was best for her. I mean, maybe she thought that you were becoming too possessive or something like that, and no one likes that (and she might have thought that was where the relationship was going). Assuring her that you wouldn't hold on too tight was good, as long as you think you are capable of carrying through with that. I read something the other day and thought it was pretty useful:

 

'Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, within the open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on to some of it, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold on to some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Hold loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact, but hold too tightly, too possessively and the relationship slips away and is lost.' My advice is not only for her and so as things will work out better for you two (hopefully), it is also for you. Don't loose yourself in your relationship. Continue your own friendships and have your own interests. Just because the two of you are involved it doesn't mean that everyone or everything else in your life suddenly disappears or is at a stand-still. Enjoy your relationship with her, but also enjoy your relationships (friendships that is, I'm not implying you have a couple of girlfriends!) with others. As for writing back, I think you should do so after a few days to a week. Be friendly but don't bombard her too much with lots of feelings and whatnot. Just general chit-chat about what has been happening in your life and of course show interest in what she has been up to. I think she'll come around after she discovers that you realise where you went wrong and are happy to take steps to correct this. As you said and obviously realise, it will probably take a bit of time.

 

Don't be discouraged though. You sound like a great guy, and no matter what some girls say, I think we all just want someone to treat us, well, like a princess! (at least every once in a while!) Just be sure not to go too overboard. Put yourself first sometimes and let her do a little bit of the work and chasing. I hope everything works out well for you and as in all good romantic movies the good guy gets the girl! Also just a general tip: Smile, it makes people wonder!