BCCA Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 jmmm, The problem is that you have this thing about assuming, and filling in the blanks, in a way that fits what you want, but may not be realistic. He is definitely the type if he made up his mind about it and it was a no, he would just said it already Have you flat out asked him what he thought about it? My guess is no, and the reason is that you dont really want his answer. Dont assume things like this, you really have no idea. And remember, he doesnt want to be a huge jerk, and he is trying to be nice...it seems to be that hes trying to be friendly, but again, I dont see any indication on his part that he wants to try this again. if that is the case with friendship, he knows i won't be sticking around for that. I already made my intentions clear that I am not calling him for friendship and can't just be his friend. Why dont you just say, 'so Ive already let you know that Im not here for a friendship, and Im hoping we could work things out, but I need to know where you stand so I dont waste time' Anything short of an absolute YES should be taken as a NO. Have you dated anyone or done anything but think about him for the last 14 monts? You sound like youre in the exact same frame of mind you were last year, hoping against hope, and trying to assume too much. Im here out of concern, not nerve or a desire to rain on your parade. I just want better for you, this is kind of sad. Im sure youre a wonderful young lady, and here you are wasting a year + on a guy who dumped you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 i am not in the same mind frame as when this happened. I have done alot this year which he even noticed..i travelled, took classes, joined a sports team...i have gone on dates but i honestly was not interested in them and i was not going to just date anyone or force myself to like them in order to move on faster. he already said we need to take this slow and we will exchange some calls and then meet..i am sort of thinking the best thing i can do right now is just be patient rather than put him on the spot demanding an answer after being apart and not even communicating for so long. I don't think he would give an absolute yes right now. I think this was a little unexpected which he even said. But if it was a flat out no, he would have just said that already. He is unsure--i know that. But i also think he is considering it which is why he has been calling me and spending time on the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 Alright, well why dont you just not call him, and see if he gets in touch with you to hang out. At this point, all you can do is hope for the best, but try and busy yourself with other things. i have gone on dates but i honestly was not interested in them and i was not going to just date anyone or force myself to like them in order to move on faster. This worries me. Sounds like you went on them just to do it, but had no intention of actually giving it a chance because you were still waiting on your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 I wasn't going to give it a chance when i knew i didn't like them..i'm not going to force myself to go out on a 3rd, 4th date when i knew already i wasn't interested. It never took me long to figure out if i wanted to continue dating the person. If i saw something there, I would have. for now the pattern seems to be us taking turns calling each other. I called him last so now I am leaving it up to him to make the next call. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I wasn't going to give it a chance when i knew i didn't like them..i'm not going to force myself to go out on a 3rd, 4th date when i knew already i wasn't interested. It never took me long to figure out if i wanted to continue dating the person. If i saw something there, I would have. Ok, direct questions - did you meet ANYONE you were interested in, that asked you out, and took you out on a date? If so, how many actual dates did you go on? for now the pattern seems to be us taking turns calling each other. I called him last so now I am leaving it up to him to make the next call. Has he called yet? Im going to be perfectly honest, this post sounds EXACTLY the same as the ones you were making a year ago. The situations and time frames have changed, but I still see youre reading too much into stuff, and seeing things that no one else does. Link to post Share on other sites
Ingenue Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 he already said we need to take this slow and we will exchange some calls and then meet..i am sort of thinking the best thing i can do right now is just be patient rather than put him on the spot demanding an answer after being apart and not even communicating for so long. I don't think he would give an absolute yes right now. I think this was a little unexpected which he even said. But if it was a flat out no, he would have just said that already. He is unsure--i know that. But i also think he is considering it which is why he has been calling me and spending time on the phone. jmmm, just remember to keep your expectations in check here. We don't want to see you hurt again. While it is good you're taking it slow, re-establshing contact may not necessarily furnish you with the outcome you expect. Are you prepared to accept the possibility that after taking it slow for months, he may only want to establish a friendship and his hesitation is linked more to the fact that he hasn't been in your life for the past 14 months? If you fully accept this, tread with caution, but please don't read anything more into the relationship than what is actually there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 i called him a few days ago and he called tonight which is suprising due to the fact its the weekend..we spoke for about 35 minutes...seems ok so far. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 i called him a few days ago and he called tonight which is suprising due to the fact its the weekend..we spoke for about 35 minutes...seems ok so far. So... He had nothing else going on tonight and that's "ok"? Really? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 i called him a few days ago and he called tonight which is suprising due to the fact its the weekend..we spoke for about 35 minutes...seems ok so far. What did you talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Jmmm have you ever been in his shoes? Have you ever dumped someone and then they kept calling asking to talk? Do you know how you felt at the time? You can pretty much know what he feels like about you now...even a year later, then you will know what he could be thinking right now, and what kind of pressure he might be feeling trying not to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 i don't think he called me just b/c he had absolutely nothing else going on. We spoke about random topics. I see it as a good thing rather than a negative bitter thing. I didn't call him asking to talk, i have been giving him his space. If he had no interest in talking to me or seeing where this can lead he wouldnt be talking to me period and would have already said i just see friendship, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Has he mentioned wanting to try again or go on a date? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jmmm Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 not yet which is fine..he said from the beginning he wants to speak on the phone and exchange calls and then meet...i don't mind becoming more comfortable with him on the phone first..how we sounded when we first started talking to now is a lot better. He has a family thing coming up this weekend where he will be away so i think the earliest we will meet is in another 2 weeks.. I think its a good thing to take things slow. I don't need to rush to meet him and start dating so quickly again. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 If he had no interest in talking to me or seeing where this can lead he wouldnt be talking to me period and would have already said i just see friendship, sorry. You dont know that, and I disagree. Remember, he does not want to be mean or hurt you. And it seems like all thats happening is freindship, he isnt mentioning dating you or seeing you, at all. not yet which is fine..he said from the beginning he wants to speak on the phone and exchange calls and then meet...i don't mind becoming more comfortable with him on the phone first..how we sounded when we first started talking to now is a lot better. He has a family thing coming up this weekend where he will be away so i think the earliest we will meet is in another 2 weeks.. I think its a good thing to take things slow. I don't need to rush to meet him and start dating so quickly again. He cant see you for at least 2 weeks? That doesnt strike me as a good sign. I think its obvious youve got your mind made up, and are just going to forge ahead, regardless of what anyone says. I think this is a mistake, and not going where you hope it will at all, but wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Has he called since this last conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Has he called since this last conversation? You'll notice a common theme with jmmm, in that she intentionally leaves out what could be viewed as negative information, and repeatedly asks the same questions, worded slightly different (or recently, under a new screen name) with the hopes that anyone will tell her it sounds good and to keep the faith. As soon as that happens, she tends to latch onto that person, or what they said, while completely ignoring the mobs of other people who tell her to give it up already. She has litterally been asking the same questions, and looking for silver linnings, for over a year. She makes excuses for why she cant date anyone else, and she takes the slightest actions by her ex to mean that he wants her back. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I know. I've been following her posts for a couple of years now. I'm trying to make her see something I don't think she wants to see, for her own sake. Her insecurity is primarily what drove him away to begin with - being suspicious of every little thing, worrying about him going on a bike trip, etc. But she hasn't changed, despite saying she has. If she really DID change, she would tell this dude to F off. Look how many posts she's written about how he didn't treat her well. If she did change, she'd find someone who's crazy about her and wants to be with her, not someone who she has to reel in a little at a time and convince him to try again with her. Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 i've been in the exact spot as Jmmm,and i can so understand her plight,except her ex is more of a decent person than mine,one thing is common,the indirect answers the ex give,its neither yes or no. Mine just like to flat out play games,saying he'll call but doesnt,ignore my e-mails when it suits him but as soon as he wants to talk i'm always available,well..not always which it still is a dead end. I know exactly how it is to keep hoping for that person who long touched your heart,only one thing for sure if/when i do meet someone who makes my heart sing,i sure as hell wont be dealing with the jerk. maybe thats the problem she hasnt found a better replacement. She hasnt found someone who has her say,wait a minute,this guy has gotten me feeling something,uh,,,ex who? Link to post Share on other sites
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