logitech Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hello all, Just over a month ago my fiancee broke up with me. We were together for 7.5 years and of the last 6 months we were engaged. We have lived together for 5 of those years. I've had to move out of the unit we were in since it is owned by her parents. She said that the spark was gone and that our personalities don't match up. She even went on to say that she feels as though she is still quite immature and needs to understand who she is as a person. I know that she has been hanging out with a few guys that are a few years younger than us (we're 25 they're 21 etc). I had some issues with one of the guys since at our engagement party she spent a lot of time with him instead of me. I have done all the things you're not supposed to do in the time after seperation. I kept in contact with her trying to understand what was going on. We went rollerblading a few times and ate out as well. I am now trying to do some form of no contact as so far the last time we spoke was Wed last week. I tried to say that I agreed with the break up at this stage as obviously there are things that would need to be sorted out. I still love this girl and really hope that we will be able to work something out. That being said, I don't know what to do if she contacts me in this no contact time that I am trying to do ( I haven't told her about it). There are obviously a lot of details I haven't included in this post so hopefully this is enough to get things rolling. So my questions are, What do I do if she contacts me during NC? Am I doing the right thing by doing NC? Do people feel as though there is still a chance for me here? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Sorry you are going through this. Read both of these to understand NC better: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 You are still in the early stages of NC.... It is without a doubt heartwrenching to go thru these early stages.... Time is your best option... you can not control how she feels.... let her take the time... detach the best you can and let her have her space... For me If my ex contacted me... unless he really understands why he needed to do what he did.... I would ignore him... as I would not want to rush back into getting back together for the sake of just missing him....The more you have NC the more you will realize why you broke up in the first place Link to post Share on other sites
bluewolf17 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Awh, I feel so bad for you. Read CaliGuys NC guide. It's a good one. There is nothing you can do. She has to decide what she wants and there is no real way to force that. And there is no way to tell how long it could take. Your best best is to just let her go 100%, leave her alone, and move on. If she comes back, she will, but in the mean time just assume she won't. You will be just fine either way. Everyone can survive a broken heart. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 I guess the hardest thing is I never really saw this coming. I knew there were some things going on but I always thought we would talk it through long before it got to this. It's all just such a confusing situation. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I guess the hardest thing is I never really saw this coming. I knew there were some things going on but I always thought we would talk it through long before it got to this. It's all just such a confusing situation. I thought the same but after NC things became clearer and i saw the warning signs. Did you have less sex, did she seem quieter or in a mood more. did she stop returning the compliments,did she spend more time with friends. did she spend less time going out with just you?did she start to nag and nit pick at little things. did she start changing her appearance or putting more effort in? did she lose weight or go to a gym. You will probably see the same too. She probably had doubts for a while . She chose to bottle things up rather than talk about things while there was a chance. She said that the spark was gone and that our personalities don't match up. After 3 years my ex said she felt we had very little common, it was heart breaking because i had invested my heart in our future and only a few months earlier she was wanting to get a house together. My mind was geared towards out future. now I felt like our relationship had been fake. Stay in NC, highly unlikely she will come back and possibly she will soon stop all contact and be moving on. It is going to be hard. I'm 3 months on and i've started having dreams about her again. It took me 2 months before my sleep was back to normal. i was not sleeping until 2am and i was waking up at 5,30am. Keep busy, get in touch will all our old friends. take up some hobbies, read books before going to bed, do some physical exercise to tire you yourself out. block her or remove her from all social sites. concentrate on yourself and doing things that make you feel good. you are going to have moments and days of depression. You will break down and cry along the way on some days. Try to change your mindset that you are thankful that she broke up with you before you got married and bought a house together.Now that would have been really messy. My ex hasnt been intouch since the break up. It hurts so much and i would do anything to get her back. Just makes me realise she had wanted to split up for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Yeah a lot of the warning signs you mention came up. I have to say I did notice them but the hard thing was I dind't know it was to do with me. She had been having troubles at work and was going to be chanigng office soon so I thought that was the main reason. Also her mum had been rubbing her up the wrong way a bit lately too. I guess now none of it matters since this is the decision she has made but with all the things that had been going on in her life I thought she could see me as the one stable thing. It's crazy to think how much time a person can spend with someone for them to simply decide it's all over. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Yeah, i know how you feel my ex's mom was terminally ill and i thought that was the reason why she was starting to pull away. I didnt know how to deal with it as she wasn't using my shoulder as support and was keeping me out of the loop. It is hard to understand how someone can chuck it all away so easily but i bet she had been thinking about quitting for a while but was just trying to do it a the right time and getting the courage to do it Stick to NC and things will become clearer. Hopefully you can learn from your mistakes and take that into your next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well, I guess I have already broken the NC... Last Wednesday was the last time we spoke on the phone about things like internet at the old place (since I set it all up etc in the past). Since then I had removed her from my Facebook feed and hidden most of what I am doing etc from what she could see on Facebook. On Monday she sent me a message asking when my hockey finals were since our team has made the grand finals. I dwelled on it for a day but decided to just send back a quick message saying when they were. I kept out any other chit chat. I'm keeping myself focused on the hockey game and preparation for it but at the same time I know I will still be wondering if she comes or not. I was tempted to not send anything back thinking that if she wanted to go enough she would be able to find out for herself, but at the same time I knew it would look like avoidance if I said nothing. What do you guys reckon?? Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Chit Chat.... Validation.... did she say .... I made a mistake I want you back.... I am sorry..... No..... Typical of wanting a fix.... yet not wanting to work on the relationship... And so it goes.... chit chat... for whatever it is worth... nothing.... keep NC Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 Well I am in a bit of a funny situtation with all this. Her sister is getting married in November and the groom is now a good friend of mine. I was to be one of the groomsmen but my ex was to be a bridesmaid. Since all this has happened I'm no longer a groomsman but I still intend to go to the wedding. I think though the biggest step I have made for myself though is to stop seeing what's going on on the old FB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I probably should have posted this all in the second chances section but oh well... Still trying to go NC but as my previous post shows I haven't lasted longer than a few days. From our engagement party we had there was 2 vouchers for a bridge climb. She SMS'd me today asking when she should book if for. I didn't respond to the message so she sent me another later telling me the date she has booked it for... Oct 2nd. So... I sit here and wonder what I am doing and feeling as though I am hurtling toward the friend zone at a million miles an hour. I've already told her how I felt about everything at the time of the break up but now I just don't know what to do. I still want to do the climb because it would be some time that we spend together with a good experience, at the same time with how I currently feel I will be longing for more the whole time. I am worried that I won't be able to keep myself in check. I don't want to break NC but I also think I would prefer to hold off on the climb until a slightly later date... Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hi All, So I didn't respond to her message and the date she has selected does sort of conflict with another thing I had planned. As I can see it now my options are as follows... 1. Keep NC until climb. Go do climb, have fun, keep it simple (no relationship talk) leave as soon as done to head off to other commitment (which involves a 4 hr drive). 2. Contact to change date of climb to later date. 3. Keep NC and don't go to climb. (not much of a fan of this option) Of course all this is assuming she doesn't come to, and try to talk to me this weekend at my hockey finals... Oh yeah, if it makes any difference, she still addressed me by my pet name in the SMS... Any ideas?? Link to post Share on other sites
Broseph Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Harbour bridge??? That will be cool good time of year to do it I say do the climb, relax your mood till then and see how it goes. Think positive the whole time, dont look sad and dont discuss any relationship unless she says asks first... I know your staying away from the friend zone and I dont know how to avoid this? Anyone else have suggestions for logitech? Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 So... I have decided I hate my subconcious/dreams. It's always in the time just before waking up that they strike and pretty much convince you that things are the way they were before everything went south. I dreamt that she was still with me and that we were happy. Trying to stay strong but all this does is makes me wish I could hold her again... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 So... I have decided I hate my subconcious/dreams. It's always in the time just before waking up that they strike and pretty much convince you that things are the way they were before everything went south. I dreamt that she was still with me and that we were happy. I had a dream this morning, just before waking, that my ex had sent me a text reading only "I love you".. It kinda sucked when there was no such text on my phone. Damn dreams! Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Still having mixed thoughts about the bridge climb... Considering calling it off all together. Trying to do NC but not very good at it. She sent me an sms tonight that read as follows: Hey! Just wondering if its ok for me to see you play tomorrow or if its best not to! Let me know, otherwise im coming and GOOD LUCK!! So.... Now it seems she will be at my finals game since I am trying to do NC I am not going to tell her not to come. I guess it will be interesting to see how our interaction goes tomorrow. Who she shows up with etc. Oh well, can only wait and see... Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Oh, I just discovered she has blocked me on facebook in that she has completely disappeared from my friends list... Link to post Share on other sites
smartGXL Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 Damn, that totally sucks, Logitech. It sounds to me like she is trying to wind things down amicably. She feels guilty for doing this to you. I dont know what to say about the game, and the rock climbing event. I had this type of scenario a couple of years ago, we had bought tickets to a play, then broke up, a month before the play was supposed to take place. I wound up taking her but it was miserable the whole time, because I wanted her back but instead, she was treating me like garbage the whole time. If you let her go, she gets to feel better about herself, but that doesnt help you feel better. If you tell her not to go, it just pisses her off and doesnt help you feel better either. I would just simply not respond to anything at all; if she comes, great. Some thing with the rock climb. Just do whbat you want to do, and only respond to her when she is ready to talk about the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
JaggedRoad Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 I thought the same but after NC things became clearer and i saw the warning signs. Did you have less sex, did she seem quieter or in a mood more. did she stop returning the compliments,did she spend more time with friends. did she spend less time going out with just you?did she start to nag and nit pick at little things. did she start changing her appearance or putting more effort in? did she lose weight or go to a gym. You will probably see the same too. She probably had doubts for a while . She chose to bottle things up rather than talk about things while there was a chance. After 3 years my ex said she felt we had very little common, it was heart breaking because i had invested my heart in our future and only a few months earlier she was wanting to get a house together. My mind was geared towards out future. now I felt like our relationship had been fake. Stay in NC, highly unlikely she will come back and possibly she will soon stop all contact and be moving on. It is going to be hard. I'm 3 months on and i've started having dreams about her again. It took me 2 months before my sleep was back to normal. i was not sleeping until 2am and i was waking up at 5,30am. Keep busy, get in touch will all our old friends. take up some hobbies, read books before going to bed, do some physical exercise to tire you yourself out. block her or remove her from all social sites. concentrate on yourself and doing things that make you feel good. you are going to have moments and days of depression. You will break down and cry along the way on some days. Try to change your mindset that you are thankful that she broke up with you before you got married and bought a house together.Now that would have been really messy. My ex hasnt been intouch since the break up. It hurts so much and i would do anything to get her back. Just makes me realise she had wanted to split up for a while. Heh, that sounds so familiar. My ex started hanging out with friends a lot more often and started changing her appearance (lost weight). She admitted that she had been harboring doubt for a while (and I was aware) and chose to ignore them until she met new friends who made her doubts more clear. And the break-up really broke my heart because I was investing my heart in our future as you had with yours. We weren't looking at houses, but she kept bringing up the topic of engagement and marriage. We were planning out our next 8 months and things seemed to be dandy until she sent me an email to break up with me. It really does feel like I've been living a lie and that's a horrible thing to feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 So she did end up coming to the game. Tried to talk to me like nothing was going on. I had issues with it then afterwards I told her that I couldn't keep doing this. That it was going to have to be all or nothing. I didn't want to have to set an ultimatum as I know that it most likely works against my. Oh well, what else can ya do ey... Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 logitech, you need to tell her not to contact you as you need to get over her. Or atleast be in a stronger position. Do you want her the friend zone you? Only hope is you cut all contact and she starts missing you. jaggededge, i know how you feel. So hard to accept and comprehend that a person can be so wanting to settle down and then a few months later they are wanting to split up and be so cold and distant/ So many unanswered questions that will never get answered. it feels like someone has pulled the rug from under you and everything you were carrying/built has shattered into thousands of pieces and years of work just lost and now have to start from scratch again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Well since I told her that she knows how I feel. And that it is all or nothing for me that was sort of my way of saying NC without actually saying it. Like many have said on other threads. She knows what she has to do to get me back (knows where I live etc). So really now I just have to make it through time time of NC myself. As for the bridge climb, I told her I can't do that date after all. So yeah, it all ends with me saying it's all or nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author logitech Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 Just had a cry again... Just thought I would metion it to get it out there. Link to post Share on other sites
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