The female BFF, How to proceed?

[looking4 green grass]

Ok, after much dating around, I finally found a guy that I click with and we decided to see each other exclusively. I introduced him to all my friends (not my family since they live far away) and he introduced me to his entire family (since they are in town) and all his friends. He does have several female friends, and they were all very welcoming to me and feel comfortable hanging out with them even when he's not around.

 

Then, we come to the female BFF.......I'm not sure how to take her or what to do with her.

 

The first encounter with her was....weird. My bf had bought her a book she wanted and was going to drop it off at her house. This was fine by me, she has three kids, one with special needs, and I see how getting to a bookstore would be rough. We got to her house, and he dropped the book off, but she wouldn't let me come in and meet her b/c she didn't look "pretty" and my bf said he "didn't want to get in trouble."

 

In itself, this situation is just strange to me. I couldn't decide why she wanted to impress ME with the way she looks. I really don't care.

 

Then I start to notice she texts him ALL the time. As in ALL day and ALL night. It was annoying to say the least.

 

Then, I finally get to meet her. We show up to pick her up. She doesn't greet me. On the way to go eat, she talks about how pissed her live in bf is that she is hanging out with my bf. She talks about how she had to lie to her man about the book purchase because that would make him mad and how he was already mad because one of her kids blurted out that my bf spent the day with them.

 

THEN.....as if I didn't want to choke her already...she starts talking about how she finds it "sooooooooo" funny that people think she and my bf are a couple when they are out together b/c they joke and laugh and have a good time and she didn't know why people had a problem with that. She goes on about trying to see it from an outside perspective but she "can't see anything wrong" because they never do anything "weird."

 

She wasn't rude during dinner, but she wasn't pleasant either. I was just.........there.

 

When we dropped her off, she did not say good bye, say it was nice to meet me, or even acknowledge my existence. Then the obsessive texting commenced.

 

My bf asked me what I thought and I was honest, I did not like her, and I told him this. He dropped the subject. Later when we got home, I had a talk with him and explained how I felt. That I thought she was rude, that I thought she was very disrespectful to me and our relationship, that I thought her character was a bit questionable, and that she didn't bother to tell me good bye. I also explained I was uncomfortable with him buying her and her children gifts if she kept it a secret from her live in boyfriend (of 10 years mind you). And I asked him how he would feel if there was a man doing all those things for me (buying me stuff, paying for my dinner, texting me all the time) and he agreed that he would be very upset about it.

 

He said he understood my point and had already been thinking that he needed a clearer friendship line with her and that he thought he needed to pull away from her some. (I did not in any way do that whole "me or her, choose one" type things. I'm not like that.) He did get upset (in a sad way, not an angry way) because she is the "only" person who has always been there for him.

 

He's gone overseas to work for the next month and a half, and we don't talk about it at all. I'm not going to beat a dead horse, I said my peace and left it alone. I trust that he will do what he says he will do. I do not expect him to cut her out of his life, that's just retarded. But I do need to find a way to incorporate her (successfully) into my/his life so that she doesn't drive me insane.

 

I don't want to NEVER see her again because my spidey sense says something is a little off from her end and I don't want this to be an underground friendship. My gut says she uses my bf for material things and because he gives her the attention her own bf doesn't. My gut says she's also very controlling of him and she's not going to be my biggest fan,

 

So how do I go about this situation?

[lostsunsets]

Sounds like you're doing fine. Can't see any mess-ups on your part. Just keep monitoring the situation. This could be a long haul.

[sally4sara]

Honestly, I wouldn't bother with this mix for very long. There are other guys. Ones who don't have some shady girl using them to create drama.

 

If you are absolutely sprung on this guy and no other will do, just be frank about your feelings and then be much less available to him. He will make the choice he was going to make anyway, but without being able to blame you for pushing him to it. You might not end up with the guy, but he will be damn clear that you didn't stick around because of his choices and not because you were just a brat.

I find that you get better and faster results from most men if you state your case and then leave it to them to resolve it if they wish to see you again, but you have to stick to your guns and not cave even a little. If you cave, you end up dealing with the problem you wanted to avoid as though you said nothing at all.

So ask yourself - are you going to be happy with this chick around or not? Be real with yourself. If you think you can accept it, then make her your friend too. There is not a lot of room for a middle ground in this kind of dynamic.

[loveslife]

I think if you're going to proceed with this bf you might consider trying to "kill her with kindness."

 

I've been in situations where a guy friend's girlfriend hated me. Hated that I knew the bf before her, hated that him and I got along well, etc. etc.

 

It made me feel like, well, screw you... And I just didn't care about her concerns because she was such a beotch to me.

 

But then in other situations the gf has been nice as could be and respectful to me and the history I had with the guy. In those cases, I respected their relationship a lot more.

 

For me, I care about who my friends date. I want my guy friends to be with women I like because I want to feel like it's someone who will be good to him and make him happy.

 

You don't know their entire history, but they do have a history. It's an adjustment for her to have to share him. As much as you want her to respect you, then you need to do the same in return. You might think you did nothing to piss her off, but I expect you went into this with a little attitude and it just got worse during the course of the time together.

[New Again]

I agree that as your bf's bff, this woman should be doing her very best to try to get to know you, accept you, and so on. That's what a real friend would be doing - at LEAST trying to get to know you. She should also be respecting her FRIEND'S relationship with you - by not talking about things like other people mistaking them for a couple. She would want him to be happy, and as long as you make him happy - she should being trying to be friendly toward you and making you feel welcome.

 

Kill her with kindness (I agree with the whole keeping your enemies close thing), but otherwise I think it sounds as though you handled the situation well.

[looking4 green grass]

I do think it will be an adjustment for her to have to "share" him with another girl. I don't think he's ever gotten too serious with anyone before, so she's always gotten the most attention. She's old enough to know better, but that doesn't mean she is mature enough to have figured things out.

 

I will most definitely be sticking to my guns on this one. There isn't even a little wiggle room. At this point in life I know what I want and I have no spare time for drama.

 

It's like she was trying to pull some bizarre alpha female crap. Maybe she's into the whole competing for his attention thing, but I am not. Whoever said there would be a drama free guy is right on (not that I ever find those! haha)

 

I'm trying to think if I had even the smallest hint of an attitude. I don't think I did. I had met several of his other close female friends over the previous week and had hit it off with all of them, so I assumed she would be just as nice/fun/welcoming as they were.

 

*goes and pulls out her overly nice panties and puts them on*

 

I'll try this approach first and see what happens (while secretly wishing she stop being so weird all on her own).

 

He did mention to me that after dinner she texted him and apologized for not being very nice to me but that she liked me. Again.....weird.

[sally4sara]

But then in other situations the gf has been nice as could be and respectful to me and the history I had with the guy. In those cases, I respected their relationship a lot more.

 

She is not dating you, does not have to be compatible with you, if you were more like her (and therefore more likely to be compatible) it would mean that you were also more like her. If you were more like the girl your guy friend dates - wouldn't he then be interested in dating you?

This is the rub among friend with the people they choose to date. They like their friends for their friends qualities AS friends. They like the people they date for different reasons or they would just be friends with them. For this reason, you should always respect your friend's relationships unless their is physical and mental harm going on, because you don't know what the relationship means to them.

 

For me, I care about who my friends date. I want my guy friends to be with women I like because I want to feel like it's someone who will be good to him and make him happy.

 

If you respect your friend, you must also respect their ability to pick that person without your approval as you are not compatible with your friend on that level which is why you and they are friends and not dating.

 

You don't know their entire history, but they do have a history. It's an adjustment for her to have to share him. As much as you want her to respect you, then you need to do the same in return. You might think you did nothing to piss her off, but I expect you went into this with a little attitude and it just got worse during the course of the time together.

 

You don't share your partner with their friends because it is a different qualifier. That is like a child thinking their parent loves them less when they're being affectionate with their spouse. The love is different, it is expressed in a different way and the emotions involved are not interchangable. I cannot love my son the same way I love my spouse or even the same way I love my close friends. So the adjustment you speak of is a possessive belief born of the feeling that you have some claim on your friend through a shared history that you perceive as adding to your value.....it makes it sound like an ex GF who can't give up the ghost of a failed relationship.

 

It is always really cool if everyone naturally gets along without the feelings that they require some extra show of respect. Perhaps it is more about treating everyone with basic respect and not expecting an extra measure for time served.

[New Again]

 

He did mention to me that after dinner she texted him and apologized for not being very nice to me but that she liked me. Again.....weird.

Uh yeah that is really weird. Did she give an explanation for her behavior?

[loveslife]

You don't share your partner with their friends because it is a different qualifier. That is like a child thinking their parent loves them less when they're being affectionate with their spouse. The love is different, it is expressed in a different way and the emotions involved are not interchangable. I cannot love my son the same way I love my spouse or even the same way I love my close friends. So the adjustment you speak of is a possessive belief born of the feeling that you have some claim on your friend through a shared history that you perceive as adding to your value.....it makes it sound like an ex GF who can't give up the ghost of a failed relationship.

 

It is always really cool if everyone naturally gets along without the feelings that they require some extra show of respect. Perhaps it is more about treating everyone with basic respect and not expecting an extra measure for time served.

 

Hey, I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just trying to give you a perspective on what might be going through her mind. We can't all be perfect.

[looking4 green grass]

Uh yeah that is really weird. Did she give an explanation for her behavior?

 

 

No, there was no explanation. In retrospect I should have asked, but since I didn't, I will let the dead horse remain dead.

 

I am going to ask a mutual friend about this BFF to see if she has ever been a problem before. I think if she's truly an issue, she's probably been an issue before.

[sally4sara]

No, there was no explanation. In retrospect I should have asked, but since I didn't, I will let the dead horse remain dead.

 

I am going to ask a mutual friend about this BFF to see if she has ever been a problem before. I think if she's truly an issue, she's probably been an issue before.

 

Because the apology wasn't really for you but rather to save face with him.

[New Again]

Because the apology wasn't really for you but rather to save face with him.

 

X2

I hate when women pull crap like that. About as much as I hate how guys fall for it.

[loveslife]

I am going to ask a mutual friend about this BFF to see if she has ever been a problem before. I think if she's truly an issue, she's probably been an issue before.

 

It sounds like you're handling this really well. I'd say if she's not a serial troublemaker then just let it go and things will probably work themselves out. Good luck.

[looking4 green grass]

As long as you guys think I'm acting in a normal non psychotic female way, then it's all good. I don't want to be that girl....you know the one. haha

[sally4sara]

X2

I hate when women pull crap like that. About as much as I hate how guys fall for it.

 

My fiance was one of those guys who stays friends with almost every ex and fling he ever had plus has female friends totally platonic that couldn't deal like adults. Some are now my friend including one I'm on such good terms with that I let her live with us for 6 weeks to take a class she needed at a local college. Others though, have been dusted. I'd say about 40 percent of them had to be given their walking papers. How sad is that?!

I feel like I was pretty good at spotting the difference because I could compare them to the ones I got along with easily.

If he had not had my back when it came to the trouble makers, I'd have been long long gone years ago. Even with him having my back tho, one sabotaged my gas tank and cost me $1200 in car repairs after he moved from my home town to finish school here in DC.

[looking4 green grass]

The response from the mutual friend didn't help much. She's never been introduced to this BFF, even though she has also been friends with my BF for nearly 3 years now. She didn't recall her being a problem before though. So now I have to sit here and be patient. I guess time will tell.

[loveslife]

The response from the mutual friend didn't help much. She's never been introduced to this BFF, even though she has also been friends with my BF for nearly 3 years now. She didn't recall her being a problem before though. So now I have to sit here and be patient. I guess time will tell.

 

I expect if she were a real psycho people would know.

 

Honestly, you have your relationship with your bf. Don't even worry about his R with this woman. It really is totally separate and he's committed to YOU.

[Paragon]

The "bff" is not a bff. She has more than platonic feelings for him (how deep they go, I cannot assess from such a brief record) but from what you've told us, he doesn't seem to feel "that way" about her--which is good for you

 

This girl obviously doesn't want you around taking up this guy's time and energy because she knows there will be less for her. You don't need to do anything except talk to him more about what you feel her intentions towards him are, and how they conflict with yours and his relationship. He'll then begin to see things a little more clearly and distance himself from her. If he does not, you re-assess and go from there.

[LaDiva]

The "bff" is not a bff. She has more than platonic feelings for him (how deep they go, I cannot assess from such a brief record) but from what you've told us, he doesn't seem to feel "that way" about her--which is good for you

 

This girl obviously doesn't want you around taking up this guy's time and energy because she knows there will be less for her. You don't need to do anything except talk to him more about what you feel her intentions towards him are, and how they conflict with yours and his relationship. He'll then begin to see things a little more clearly and distance himself from her. If he does not, you re-assess and go from there.

 

Omgoodness Deja VU!

 

Listen... if you read one of my first posts you will see that I went through this same situation...

 

However I was the BFF of the guy!

 

The girlfriend didnt like me and she had every right not to.

 

The BEST FRIEND FOREVER of the guy, is the girl who had a chance/ took a chance/ or still wants a chance.

 

The only difference between me and this girl you describe is that I was nice as pie.

 

The girlfriend was invited to my house and I threw parties and invited her... but it was only to show my support as BFF....

 

So hey! I was a nice one, but I still had motives.

 

 

You need to be very careful of this girl... (especially how's she's tryna let you know on the low that she has a man and she don't want yours - yes she does! That live-in bf is just a substitute for the REAL THING)

 

However, drop the subject with your man... it will only make him chose his BEST FRIEND over you... and he will start being secretive.

 

 

And whatever you do, don't be fake... be what I'd like to call objective...

 

Hey! How come we never hang out... all of us together? You and your man and her and her man...

 

HAVE FUN WITH IT! AND....

Good Luck.

[looking4 green grass]

LaDiva....I like your thinking. The four of us SHOULD be able to hang out, right? I'm going to suggest that. It sounds like a reasonable request to me. Plus it might make her man feel better about the whole thing too.

 

The mutual friend did some digging on her own and she came up with a few stories about this BFF telling people how "hilarious" she finds it when people think she and my BF are a couple. So it is kind of a thing for her I guess. Maybe she lives in fantasy land?

 

This mutual friend also told me that she's talked to my BF before about how the BFF comes across as his GF sometimes and he needed to stop doing that waaaaaaay before I came in the picture. She is pretty outspoken, so I have no doubt she will reiterate that to the BF (I won't complain if she does, it won't be coming from me! I think that could be a good thing.)

 

In the meantime, I have decided to adjust my view of this BFF. Rather than have my feathers all ruffled over her, I'm going to be highly amused at her childlike behavior. Obviously she's way more threatened by me or she wouldn't feel the need to act like a hormonal 15 year old or a toddler who just got her favorite toy taken away. We are grown women! (Well, I am, the jury is still out on her.) I don't feel threatened by her in that she could steal him or whatever. As a guy, if my BF wanted "that" he would have made a move in the last 5 years.

 

All his friends tell me he goes on and on non stop about me and they've never seen him this way over a girl (woman...I am a woman! lol) So, that's where I am today.

[freestyle]

I think you`ve been handling this very well.

 

I recommend that you heed LaDiva`s advice, don`t put your bf in the position of having to choose between the two of you, he`ll end up resenting you for that.

 

Keep your eyes wide open, however. I smell someone who could act as a subtle saboteur, especially since she`s already making jibes about your relationship with him to other people.Don`t give her any ammunition to use against you.

I`ve been through a very similar situation, and it almost destroyed my R.

Her behavior towards you upon first meeting you is a huge red flag, and if any issues arise in your R, she will not be in your corner.(and don`t believe her for a minute if she pretends to be)

 

I like the idea of suggesting that the four of you socialize together at some point.

[carhill]

He's a back-burner boyfriend, so that would be BBBF, and she'd be his ma'am. The OP is horning in on her territory.

 

Next....

[sally4sara]

I think you`ve been handling this very well.

 

I recommend that you heed LaDiva`s advice, don`t put your bf in the position of having to choose between the two of you, he`ll end up resenting you for that.

 

Keep your eyes wide open, however. I smell someone who could act as a subtle saboteur, especially since she`s already making jibes about your relationship with him to other people.Don`t give her any ammunition to use against you.

I`ve been through a very similar situation, and it almost destroyed my R.

Her behavior towards you upon first meeting you is a huge red flag, and if any issues arise in your R, she will not be in your corner.(and don`t believe her for a minute if she pretends to be)

 

I like the idea of suggesting that the four of you socialize together at some point.

 

See right about here, where you have to start making a strategy and watching what you say or do all because the person your dating has kept a toxic ex around, is where I would start wondering if it is worth it at all. I won't walk on egg shells for the person I'm dating, I sure won't do it for their ex!

[looking4 green grass]

He's a back-burner boyfriend, so that would be BBBF, and she'd be his ma'am. The OP is horning in on her territory.

 

Next....

 

I like it. Simple, to the point. And yes I am taking over her territory. And here's where I stop short of calling her mean things. No need to go there........yet (but LS would be the place to come for sure!)

 

And she's not an ex. They have never dated/hooked up/slept together/whatever it is that people call it these days. If that were the case I would have been out the door already, I've dated enough guys with those kinds of ex's around to know better. I think it took a total of a week for my last BF to get back with his ex after we broke up. Oooo spidey sense was right on with that one! Never deny the spidey sense. *insert scary music here*

[carhill]

True back burner boyfriends are rarely ex'es. They're more likely pedestal-builders. Don't ask me how I know