Author looking4 green grass Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 Because that's exactly what he is to her. How do you know??? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 I was one for many years. Soon to be free, entirely. It's a process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 How did you finally come to that conclusion? And can you Jedi mind trick your knowledge into my BFs head. hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Wish I had a magic potion. I learned most of the psychological aspects with the help of MC. Loveshack provided the proper verbiage. My experience may be atypical, but breaking the bond of a pedestal-builder to his statue is very difficult, especially if, IME, the building was done in youth when emotions were strong and raw. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 I think it started late teens. She's a couple years old than him, and a couple years younger than me. And while I would LOVE to send him here to LS....uhhhhh I don't want him reading this. ha! Part of my perceptiveness is that I am a therapist, but it's never a good thing to mix personal and professional life. Although, admittedly, I do try to therapy myself every once in a while. Unfortunately one cannot remain objective about oneself, especially when that said one is a tragic dater! He will read relationship/self help books though. I was reading a few (partly for me, partly for work) when we met, and he ordered them and read them himself before we ever started dating (wild for a 23 yo). We would have great discussions about them and how they applied to real life. Can you think of any books that I might suggest next that relates to the topic at hand? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sorry to profess I'm book ignorant. Other than my HSP books, I've never bought a book related to relationships or psychology. Hopefully, someone else can help. If your relationship becomes serious, I'd suggest referring out to a colleague with a psych degree if this issue inhibits the relationship's progression. Money well spent, IME. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Read, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It`s very comprehensive and it explores things from all perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 While I imagine Shirley's book is an excellent read, I doubt this woman ever wants the OP's BF for a partner. He's providing a cheap and ready source of validation while she f*cks her BF. This serves two purposes. It absolves the BF of all those pesky actions and words of validation and support and it provides a backup resource when the BF is being an a-hole. It's also a psychological aspect of what some here call the monkey branch theory for women who cannot be alone. They always have a backup lined up, even if never used. They are extremely skillful at emotionally manipulating the backup; this is much easier if he's a pedestal-builder and sees her as 'perfection'. Train him, use the right timing and words, and he'll perform like a circus elephant. Sorry for the reality check, but that book's about avoiding affairs. There isn't any chance of an affair here, IMO. Just a bunch of unhealthy psychology. I've lived it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 While I imagine Shirley's book is an excellent read, I doubt this woman ever wants the OP's BF for a partner. He's providing a cheap and ready source of validation while she f*cks her BF. This serves two purposes. It absolves the BF of all those pesky actions and words of validation and support and it provides a backup resource when the BF is being an a-hole. It's also a psychological aspect of what some here call the monkey branch theory for women who cannot be alone. They always have a backup lined up, even if never used. They are extremely skillful at emotionally manipulating the backup; this is much easier if he's a pedestal-builder and sees her as 'perfection'. Train him, use the right timing and words, and he'll perform like a circus elephant. Sorry for the reality check, but that book's about avoiding affairs. There isn't any chance of an affair here, IMO. Just a bunch of unhealthy psychology. I've lived it. Isn't it weird how intuition works once we are able to listen to it. Funny enough her BF is an Ahole more than not, but if I had her for a GF, I'd be one too. She treats him like crap. So, Carhill, I have not followed your post extensively, but can you direct me to a thread or just tell me, how did this situation play out for you? What did it do to your relationship? How was it eventually resolved? What happened to the girl on the pedestal?? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 how did this situation play out for you? What did it do to your relationship? How was it eventually resolved? What happened to the girl on the pedestal?? It contributed to the demise of my marriage. It is currently unresolved in a cogent manner. The remnants of the pedestal and I are flying home tomorrow, absent upgrades. Past-pedestals fly in economy. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 It contributed to the demise of my marriage. It is currently unresolved in a cogent manner. The remnants of the pedestal and I are flying home tomorrow, absent upgrades. Past-pedestals fly in economy. Non cogent eh Carhill. Shame on you, you are usually so cogent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 So marriage is over and the BFF is still in the picture? Or am I confused? Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 that`s what I`m wondering........................ Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 9, 2009 Author Share Posted September 9, 2009 yeah. I'd like to know how doomed I really am! lol Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 me,too. Actually my story is nearly identical to yours, so I`m waiting anxiously to hear what happened. Hey, L4gg, please feel free to Pm me if you wish, it looks like we`re in very similar boats........................ Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Non cogent eh Carhill. Shame on you, you are usually so cogent. LOL, surely you jest. So marriage is over and the BFF is still in the picture? Or am I confused? If you're talking to me, you better re-read my journals. She was never a BFF. I was, however, a BBBF. Unwinding a long emotional attachment takes time. I make progress each day. Made a lot the past few days. We ended up flying standby. The more I experience, the more I see reality. The stress of standby is a great reality-maker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomed. hahhaha Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Smoking hole in the desert Ever witness a car crash? It seems like everything happens in slow motion.... Unwinding an emotional attachment is the exact opposite. It seems like it happens quickly, but one looks at the calendar and wonders where all the years have gone. The downside in the OP's case is that the BFF will need to secure another BBBF to suck energy out of. This generally is not difficult, as women attract men like a dead drop calf attracts maggots, and it's just a matter of selecting a proper recepticle. Simple really, but it does require some effort, and, with these types, such efforts can be inconvenient; it's far better to maintain the status quo. Of course, she could be a fantastic, loving, generous soul and I'm just projecting Link to post Share on other sites
Author looking4 green grass Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 Carhill: she might be evil incarnate. I have yet to determine this though. But I totally see your point. And I think I have discovered a new source of her "pissed offness" towards me. He now refers to ME as his best friend........... Link to post Share on other sites
stace79 Posted September 17, 2009 Share Posted September 17, 2009 Wish I had a magic potion. I learned most of the psychological aspects with the help of MC. Loveshack provided the proper verbiage. My experience may be atypical, but breaking the bond of a pedestal-builder to his statue is very difficult, especially if, IME, the building was done in youth when emotions were strong and raw. This is a very interesting perspective. I think my fiance was a "pedestal builder". He met his ex when she was 17, he was 24. He was just in awe of her. Thought she could do no wrong, was the most beautiful girl, his "dream girl". It took me breaking up with him to realize that he was wrong for that. And she treated him horribly -- only wanted him when he was dating someone else or trying to move on. And he was a female part of the anatomy about it because he would never stop being her friend for the longest time! I just don't get that. Anyway over and done now, but I found your theory to be brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
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