amazinglywow Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 if it doesn't work.. type in porn... something along the line of internet cheating i think its disrespectful, its just another way of sayin, you don't fulfill him. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 No, they should not be looking at porn during the wedding ceremony, when they are getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 its just another way of sayin, you don't fulfill him And here, ladies and gentlemen, is the crux of the problem. If you believe this, of course you'll be pxssed off if he looks at porn. If you realize this is not reality, you will not. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 Originally posted by SoleMate No, they should not be looking at porn during the wedding ceremony, when they are getting married. Does this just apply to internet porn? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I am sorry but you can't allow something throughout your relationship and then just because you are going to get married expect him to change. You either accept it or you don't. You don't change your mind half way through and expect him to just go 'oh, okay honey' just out of interest - does this mean that you cant ever change your mind about anything, and that once you marry, your opinions have to stay the same throughout your married life? i am not sure where i stand on the whole porn thing, i cant make my mind up. every post i read changes my opinion. it threatens part of me, but then i can be quite flippant about sexual jealousy plus when in the right mood i dont give an owls hoot, let alone feel any jealousy. and now i have just read that Dr Phil link, (who??) and its got me all gee'd up against porn. how do i discuss that rationally with my bf?? actually, right now i am thinking its actually non of my business what he does in his spare time as long as theres no emotional or physical involvement. what involvement is there with porn if there is no physical or emotional involvement? visual involvement? never heard of being visually unfaithful. men oogling women in the street/bars? and THAT i wouldnt like. but thats just the same as looking at porn really. is it? someone help me out here. and no i havent been drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by BigBelm men oogling women in the street/bars? and THAT i wouldnt like. but thats just the same as looking at porn really. is it? I wouldn't consider it the same. With women on the street/bars, even if it's not explicit, there's a sentient connection. Instead of him focusing on himself (porn), he's focusing on another. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 right now i am thinking its actually non of my business what he does in his spare time as long as theres no emotional or physical involvement. what involvement is there with porn if there is no physical or emotional involvement? visual involvement? never heard of being visually unfaithful. men oogling women in the street/bars? and THAT i wouldnt like. but thats just the same as looking at porn really. is it? People who get nuts about their SOs looking at porn seem to do so because 1 - they think all porn is immoral and therefore people who indulge in it are also so 2 - they believe in their minds that the men actually covet the women they are looking at and therefore prefer those women to themselves 3 - they are insecure about their bodies and believe that their SOs are craving photos of physically superior women 4 - they had agreements with their SOs that the SOs would never look at porn and the SO broke the agreement 5 - the men are using porn for sexual gratification and ignoring the wives (although in many cases it seems the men are doing so because the relationship is not going well) 6 - the men are porn addicts who spend inordinate amounts of time viewing porn and rarely or never participate in sex with their SOs You have your choice of reasons. If any apply to you, then that's the position you take. My objections would begin at reasons 5 and 6; I don't believe in or care about the other reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Dyer - thanks, and agreed. the detatchment differentiates it nicely but i still assume some men see a sexual signal, and look. regardless of whether that signal is on a screen, glossy paper or stood next to them in the queue for ice cream - i doubt that a signal becomes a potential for capability of feeling until an emtional connection has been made - therefore, do men look at women in the street with a view to having a connection? some yes some no i guess - would be uncomfortable with it either way. theres another thread somewhere where the difference between emotional and physical affairs was mentioned, but am getting off topic with my ramblings I think i have issue with point 2 merry - but thats because i dont understand how men use porn - i am sure that some men do covet those women, but if they do then are they encroaching on point 6 in having abnormal associations? also point 3 - its a media image thats airbrushed and makeuped into the middle of next week, unless they are readers wives fans. then i do have issue with the way media portrays both men and women, plus relationships and lots of things in general. damn am late for a meeting will finish up later Link to post Share on other sites
soontobesolo Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 The key here is communicating with your potential spouse. Tell him how you feel about him looking at porn, calmly and rationally. There are no set "rules" about whether it's OK or not to look at porn once you're married, it's all about how you BOTH feel about the issue. Personally my boyfriend and I watch porn together and we've found that it enhances our sex life, but that may not be for everyone. Ask him to try and tell you why he likes to look at it, maybe you can incorporate it into your relationship without either one of you feeling compromised. Either way I agree, no ultimatums in a relationship, they always backfire - for both of you! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 and also don't forget to cut of his balls and carry them in your purse. Why do some women believe that once they are married there are a new set of rules on what a man can or can not do? You married this man knowing he looks at porn, why should he stop? Link to post Share on other sites
soontobesolo Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 I don't think it's a control issue Fredrolin, that's a little harsh!! More likely not ever exposing herself to it makes her feel intimidated or threatened by it. What would scare you off from a relationship if the woman in your life was into something that you had always believed was wrong? There's probably something.... Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by toots307 Well if Dr.Phil says it's bad it must be - hahahahahahahahahaha - can you picture Dr.Phil doing it?? He's probably super boring in bed. Doctor Phill admonishes married men looking at porn. Gee, what a shocker. Hmm ... I wonder what demographic dominates Dr. Phil's viewing audience. It wouldn't, by any chance be married women. Would it ?? I think married men should never look at porn again. And married women should never watch romantic movies again with hunky actors like Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, nor should they ever read a romantic novel again. If sexual fantasy and the occasional escape through imagination is bad for men, then its bad for women to. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Originally posted by soontobesolo What would scare you off from a relationship if the woman in your life was into something that you had always believed was wrong? There's probably something.... yes my wife does or has done things that I don't approve of but, hey, I married her "as is" and I will not change her or let her change me. Sure we may voice that we dislike something but that's as far as it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
soontobesolo Posted March 19, 2004 Share Posted March 19, 2004 Fair enough, and I agree. I don't believe in telling my partner what he should or should not do, what he should or should not think, do I hear nagging? Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 To BigBlem, Of course you can change your mind about things once you are married but I think the point I, and others, were trying to make is that so women think that getting married is like waving a magic wand and all those things that bugged you about your man should magically go away. If the guy watched porn while you were dating he's gonna watch porn after you are married - if you have a problem with your guy watching porn, discuss it BEFORE tying the knot. And what the heck is the problem with a guy looking at a woman walking down the street or in a bar?? I suppose you have never ever noticed a member of the opposite sex?? Come on - we are human beings with natural instincts - we LOOK at each other - whoopie!! I would seriously have to check my bf's pulse if he didn't notice a good -looking chick - we both notice good looking people and point them out to each other - we notice ugly people too - my gosh - my bf is a visual cheater!!! and so am I !!!! As far as I'm concerned, the lower your self-esteem, the more likely you are to have issues about porn and looking at the opposite sex. And InmannRoshi - you made a very good point mentioning Dr. Phil and his target audience - he's gonna support whatever is gonna keep his show on the air. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 so women think that getting married is like waving a magic wand nope all those things that bugged you about your man should magically go away nope. if you have a problem with your guy watching porn, discuss it BEFORE tying the knot. i would, but i am not getting married and i wouldnt necessarily have a problem with my fella watching porn And what the heck is the problem with a guy looking at a woman walking down the street or in a bar? nothing. as long as hes not my bf i think you misunderstood me. right now i am thinking its actually non of my business what he does in his spare time i have a BIIIIG problem with it my bf is a visual cheater!!! in response to: never heard of being visually unfaithful. ????? the lower your self-esteem, the more likely you are to have issues about porn i certainly dont have low self esteem. i dont know if i even have issues with porn, i question it so i can understand more about how the whole thing works. thanks for taking the time to help me understand. haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetmind20 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 I am somewhat surprised that there are so many replies to this thread.. i thought for sure people had had a crawlfull of this "porn stuff". anyway, at the beginning of our relationship, he didn't have a computer.. his habits with porn were kept hidden from me. this went on the first year of our relationship. yes, of course, i knew he must watch it some at a guy friend's house, but that was it. finally, he got a computer and i found some porn on it. in fact, we used to watch it sometimes together. there was not a problem then. i think what bothers me about it now is that he has used this porn more than as just a hobby. he uses it everytime he is stressed out or when we are having problems.. and when he is lonely.. and i have also noticed that after he watches it, he is more oversexed.. but in a somewhat hurtful way. his "antennas" are out and he loves to "ooo and ahh" other women in front of me. i just notice this after he uses it. another side of him emerges and that is not one which embraces me as a girlfriend, let alone a wife. so, i do believe that people should be upfront with their beliefs on things.. i never made a big deal out of porn before. but now that i have seen some of the negative uses of it and its effects, i question the good of it for a relationship- esp. marriage. i realize you can't just tell someone to stop all the sudden.. but also, when someone is prepared to marry you, they should recognize that things change and though they remain individuals, they are also "responsible" if you will for the wellfare of their partner. anyway, thanks to all who replied. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 how have you dealt with the changes sweetmind? have you talked to him about it? what does he think of your perception of how his use of porn has changed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetmind20 Posted March 24, 2004 Author Share Posted March 24, 2004 bigbelm, to be honest, it is sort of a sore subject at the moment with me. My guy is going through a lot of stresses in his life right now, and has basically gone into his "cave". though it upsets me that he seems more willing to "connect" with his porn than with me and talk through or acknowledge current stresses, i feel that i should not say something at this second. If i say something about it right now when he is already upset and using it as a tool, he may just well come to resent me and shut down completely because he thinks that i am "nagging" him. i want to say something.. but i am waiting for the right time to approach such a delicate subject, esp. since he is particularly defensive right now. in the past, i have gotten his views on porn. he told me that porn is nothing. he said that everyone fantasizes about someone else now and then with or without porn. he also told me that it is great to fantasize about this "supposedly" perfect woman. i didn't appreciate hearing that. he told me that the person on the page is just a visual and nothing more. and that for all he knew, the chic might be the most annoying person in the world in real life. that it's all just fantasy. i guess that is where my problemo lies.. he is too caught caught up in fantasy and has stopped addressing the issues of "real life". anyway, thanks for your reply.. take care! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 You state that he is not connecting with you, and instead with porn. Do you ever think that "connection" is precisely what he's trying to avoid, and porn has nothing to do with it? j/c Link to post Share on other sites
kamajerchin Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 I never thought about it one way or the other. I would never personally dictate to another person what they could or could not "look" at, but that being said, my husband is obsessed with porn and so are his friends and co-workers. They email stuff to each other, he has every copy of Playboy since the 60's and spends hours in the bathroom looking at nude women. I believe it has affected our physical realtionship. The fantasy for my husband seems to be better than putting the effort in to the reality of sex with me. It is a very self-centered obsession and my husban is the "King" of self-centered. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Do you see porn as a CAUSE of problems, or a symptom of problems that already exist? Link to post Share on other sites
Greta Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 I'm confused, the original post was made in Nov of 2003, are you now married? Hell, I'm married and we watch porn together, I don't have a problem with it. Sure there are some parts of porno's that I find distasteful & a turn-off - but I just look away during those parts. When we watch together it always ends up with us having sex - and hey, I've even picked up a few techniques from watching! And sure, my husband looks at magazines too, I even bought him a subscription to Playboy and now, Easyriders (but as you may have seen in another thread, I draw the line at lap dances in strip clubs - whole different ballgame, for me, when the girls are naked, live & in person, and there's the opportunity for actual contact) If you didn't come to a compromise about this situation (since it seems like such an issue for you), and still got married, I see more trouble down the road for you two Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetmind20 Posted March 25, 2004 Author Share Posted March 25, 2004 actually,i am not yet married. i am engaged... i was thinking along the lines of marriage because we basically are except for the paper between us. dyer, you had a good point. is it the cause or the symptom? i would say both. it causes extra problems because he doesn't know how to cut the fantasy out of his life. he uses the porn has a substitute and as a tool. that is where porn can have negative effects- it triggers things in people. some people have control over this, but others may not, esp those who are lonely or have difficulty dealing with emotions. i actually spoke to a married man who shared his views on porn. he wrote an article on it. " pornography may or may not make men violent- the scientific evidence is widely admitted to be inconclusive. but no matter what it does, porn enters your mind, and sits there, a radioactive lump. watching porn made me feel like the guy in the hertz ad- the one who is dropped by unseen forces from the sky, into the driver's seat. pornography put me, the voyeur, in charge- gave me control. the drawback was, it told me what to feel. porn let me feel one thing only, and one thing is as close as you can get to nothing at all." anyway, i know that had nothing to do with my situation.. but i thought i would add it since this is another one of those porn posts. thanks all who replied. Link to post Share on other sites
toots307 Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Greta, You sound like the wife I hope to be someday. Porn can be fun - it's all how you look at it. I also agree with you that there's a line that must be drawn. I think strip clubs are ok but my man doesn't get lap dances - he hardly ever goes to the strip clubs anyway. I'm just kinda curious as to what man doesn't want to look at some form of porn?? There was a really funny episode on That 70's show where the gf caught the bf with nudie mags and she was livid. Then she asked all the guys 'would you still look at porn mags if you had a gf that you were happy with bla bla' all the guys agreed they would still look at it and that it was just a little fun fantasy for them - not a replacement for their woman. Link to post Share on other sites
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