should guys look at porn when they are married?

[TylersMom]

I agree that men should not look at porn while they are married, or in a commited relationship. My boyfriend

 

and I have been together for over a year, and I didnt think that he was the porno type. But then he moved in

 

with me. Then I walked in on him after getting out of the bathtub, and he was watching it in our room!!! I was

 

not happy to say the least. He said that he wouldnt do it again. Well he was right, but then the next thing was

 

the magazine.

 

I am getting ready to go out on the road with him (hes a truck driver), and i'm switching his stuff over to a

 

different shelf,and while i'm doing that I feel something and i pick it up and its porn magazines!! I was not

 

happy at all, I went in the house balling my eyes out, I told him I didnt want to go with him. It was so hurtful to

 

see that he was doing this.

 

Did I forget to mention that at the time I was 7 1/2 months pregnant when I found these! I was very

 

inadequate with my body. I had gained 20 lbs at the time, and I had a large baby in my stomach, I

 

had looked 9 months pregnant. I had just started to get stretch marks on my stomach and my legs. I wasnt

 

happy with myself at all. And I see him with these magazines, with these perfect woman, with nothing wrong

 

with them, it hurt me, because it made me feel like that was what he wanted, and that was what turned him

 

on. Needless to say, we got into a big fight about it, but he said that he wouldnt do it again.

 

And just recently I went with him to drop off a load, and I found another porn magazine in his truck! I just had

 

our baby, but I know weigh 30 lbs, heavier, my stretchmarks arent looking so good, and my thighs are huge,

 

He says he does it so he can see girls naked, and so that he has something to visualize when hes jerking off.

 

First off, you have pictures of me in your truck, why cant you visualize me? and second, your home all the

 

time!! Why do you need to? To me it makes me feel like hes cheating on me. He has other girls in his head

 

when he is doing this, not me. He doesnt see why it makes me unhappy, but if he was in my shoes he would

 

know. It hurts me because, he cant even have phone sex with me, he says hes horny when hes out on the

 

road thats why he had it, have phone sex with me then!! I'm horny when he is gone too! Hes not the only one

 

that is deprived of sex when hes gone, but I dont go masturbating to Hot Guys in a magazine, I wait till he is

 

home so I can have sex with him. But, also I'm thinking that while he has sex with me, he has the picture of

 

those women in his head, hes not even thinking about me. Why do you want to waste $10 on a magazine

 

when you can have phone sex with me for free. He told me he doesn't know why, but he just doesnt like

 

having phone sex with me. Well, if he was so horny, why wouldn't he.

 

If he did look at porn before I got pregnant, I probably wouldnt care as much because I didnt have problems

 

with my body. But, he didnt watch or look at porn then, just when I started to get bigger. This is why I have

 

such a problem with it. It hurts women, and for me, it makes them feel unsexy when their boyfriends/husbands

 

are looking at women who are size 7 with these D cup breasts. If men really loved their girlfriends/wives,

 

they wouldnt look at it if they had a problem with it. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that feels the same way

 

about this subject. Reading these makes me feel alot less guilty about it, and alot better.

[dnm1010]

ok first of all its good that you vented your feelings.

i was having a similar problem but i didnt very anythign out nor did i have anyone to talk to and it made it that much more difficult. then i found this forum btu that was after everythign was over....

 

i think maybe you should let him feel how you feel... have him walk in on you masterbating to some hot guys or something.

i think guys need to control their urges and it doesnt make any sense to me why the world has to revolve around them sometimes.

[TylersMom]

I just needed to get it out. I just wish that he knew how much that this hurts me. He saw how much it hurt me the first time I saw him, and the second time... why do it the third? The second time was the worst... we got into the biggest fight. But, this third time... I took my anger out, but mostly on the mag. I ripped it up, threw it in his truck, and i left him a note. He is always telling me that I have an attitude, and he asks me why I do all the time, well this is why I do. He will sit there while he is watching a movie with me, saying "oo shes hot. I'd do her." I'm here watching a movie with you, I dont want to hear that you think that she is hot, when you dont say these things to me. Its so hurtful. He doesnt tell me I have a hot body... he just says "you have nice eyes"... I thank him, but for some reason when he says that, i'm thinking..."no, he likes those other women" Do I need help for this?

[Kressa1]

This is why I don't agree with men looking at pornography. It feeds a sexual desire that does not need to exsist in a natural human environment. The more that men need to fill this desire by watching porn makes an unstable sexual environment. Men who watch porn or own pornograhic material are the most vulnerable to women. They are more likely to cheat to meet their sexual needs. Porno is also demeaning to a womans sexuality, so why do women keep supporting it....why do you chose to let your husband disrespect you? Would you women that agree with pornography care that your 18 year old daughter is being looked at by men that are beating off or would you agree with her choice of lifestyle. People need to stop being hypocrits...men wouldn't be comfortable with their wives having a dildo twice the size of their penis in their closet everytime their sexual needs aren't being met. While men keep making these wrong choices and women give up the fight then men have won their rights to treat women as sexual objects and make that our self worth. Did we forget to mention also that pornography is a sin and it is not good for sexual health. There are too many reason why I am against it and I will never date a man who is sexually weak and is not up for the challange of keeping sex natural, sacred and a spiritual act solely.

[loveregardless]

agreed. A man should have no need for pornography...if they aren't satisfied with you then there is something wrong with that. It is a sick industry...very very very sick. Thanks Hugh...your a real gem!

[Just Married]

Well I confronted him again for the third time... he promises he won't do it again ... ahaaa sure... what he does now ... whenever he is done with the internet surfing erases all the history and the webpages visited... so I asked him why do you erase stuff when you are done surfing he says he doesn't ... I am going insane... I feel so worthless and ugly... it is starting to give me such a low self-esteem... and i know it shouldn't be that way... I am a size 9 but i am also 5' 8" ... i am not ugly and i have a decent body but i don't understand why he is doing this...

 

we cuddle less and less .. but keep in mind that we are only 3 months married. ... and i know he gets tired from working (6 days a week) but i work full time .. I cook homemade food everyday ... keep the house clean so he would be happy with our marriage ... but I guess no matter what I do it doesn't satisfy whatever he is looking for ...

 

when I ask him if he loves me he says of course and I am the only one ...now when it comes to having sex ... it's mostly me that will "pursue" it ... otherwise I would be left untouched if it was up to him. .. and I have read some of the replies that state women probably dont satisfy some of the needs ... what needs? I work , I cook , I clean , I want him unbelievably, I want to experiment with him in everything ... come on he is my husband why wouldn't I want to do everything with him , I believe I meet the standards of a good looking girl... then WHY?

 

but get this I work at a reception desk so there is a lot of customers... when he comes to my work and sits there , and sees a customer hit on me or say something along the lines of me being good looking he gets very very jealous... then why not express it in a way of saying stuff to me of kissing me or anything ... I don't understand .... I can't get through to him and it has never been like this ... we have dated 3 years before getting married. ..

 

Can anyone think of anything else that I could do to get through to him?

[twalkoe]

This whole porn thing really does boggle my mind.

 

I too, like every other poor woman in America has had to deal with porn and their man. I've researched this, I've tried letting it just happen and ignoring it, and I've even gone as far as to say "ok...go ahead, but lets just not keep it a secret between us."

 

In the end...I realized that I'm just not ok with it. It takes too much out of me to think of my b/f jerking off to some blonde bimbo that's been touched up and plasticized.

 

The straight fact is that some women are just ok with it and some are not. I think that you haven't been ok with it the whole time and are looking for an excuse to get rid of it now. Really, figure out if you can live with this for the rest of your life. Cuz there are many men on here that say that you can't take away his porn and it's a red blooded american male pass time and no man with balls would let you take it from them... well, I say that if you're that into porn, and it is so important then what the hell do you need a real woman for?

 

In my opinion men look at porn as having their cake and eating it too. They still get to see other women naked, they get to jerk off to thinking about having sex with other women...thats not the action of someone in a committed, loving, relationship.

 

There are things that you can do to spice up your sex life without bringing a picture of another woman into your bedroom. If you need a jump start ,do creative things that involve you and your fiance...just cuz you don't look at or like porn doesn't mean that you are a dud in bed... give me a feaking break!

 

So figure it out...can you live with it or not. If you can't...explain that you can't and it should be no big deal for him to give it up. If he can't or won't give it up...then I think you've got some thinking to do.

[bluetuesday]

i'm deeply frustrated by the lack of understanding this argument about porn has created.

 

if you're looking for a good argument against porn there are perfectly sound moral objections that have nothing to do with individual insecurities and everything to do with the objectification of women.

 

but just not liking the idea of your male partner getting turned on by women in magazines or in films or on the internet is a very bad argument. a man may derive enjoyment from cartoons and spend time watching them without you. if logically this would not be upsetting, what is it exclusively about porn that threatens you? secure women are unafraid of porn.

 

those who seek to dictate to their men what they can and cannot watch (or what they can and cannot do in any other area) are being grossly unfair.

 

the overwhelming majority of men do not watch porn because they would rather be doing the woman they're looking at than doing you. porn is not about emotional interaction, which is one reason many men like it so much. it is not a substitute for a real woman. it is just an enjoyable diversion which has no reflection on the quality of the relationship or any bearing on how they view their partner.

 

this may be hard to accept but it's true. you may not like the fact he watches porn, you may feel upset but your hurt is based on the misunderstanding that porn takes something away from you. it doesn't. you can continue not liking the fact that he uses porn, but don't pretend it's a logically consistent or rational argument.

 

and so the concerns most of the women here are voicing really have nothing to do with porn. porn is not the problem. if your man is using porn (or cartoons for that matter) as a way of avoiding intimacy with you, the problem is communication or fear or boredom. not porn.

[flavius]

Blue T, that was such a magnificent piece of prose it is almost a shame to reply.

 

My perspective is a little different, and I'm basically re-framing the whole question. Your magnum opus aptly addresses porn viewing in emotionally healthy men, and your distinction between real moral objectiion and a woman's instinctual jealous reaction is superb.

 

You point out that women misunderstand the nature of the appeal of porn/erotica to men, and that's what I want to hone in on.

 

Now help me, because I hear another set of echoes ringing about this chamber: the same women who sit here swapping messages about anal sex, with me, a real live man who just might pose a tangible threat to their vaunted monogamy , are getting all torqued over their husband looking at PICTURES of distant, anonymous, noninteractive strangers doin' the nasty.

 

This reminds me of a couple, best friends of my wife and me. She complains that he ignores her and has no interest in her sexually. She also sneers that she has grown mildly disgusted by sex, and really doesn't care if she ever has sex again. She regularly rebuffs his advances because she resents his neglect, and he neglects her because he resents her constant rejection.

 

Now he is a man who does not even view porn (I know this because I maintain their computers), but somehow they present a caricature of Bad Love, exaggerated but in a way typical. She has near zero libido. She weaponizes his libido to punish him. She wants intimacy but witholds sex, knowing that he is morally bound to her. Does she sound evil? Actually she is a very nice girl, and she feels like he is almost entirely at fault (he likes basketball more than her, etc.)

 

But how typical is this pattern? Well, dozens of academic studies report that about 2/3 of wives say they do not get enough sex. Strangely, they also reveal that about 2/3 of wives complain that their partner wants sex too much.

 

In rough terms, that is about a third of all women living in total contradiction about sex. Although they say they like the idea of sex, (a) they have little libido, and (b) they resent their husband's libido. There is another third who simply like sex (almost a perfect correlation with the 1/3 who regularly masturbate. ) The remaining third logically would be those with low drive but who are responsive (v. resistant) to their husbands' libido .

 

I know this is a great oversimplification, but the statistical significance is so strong that there is definitely a truth in there: Many women are just dislike the male sex drive. They seem to particularly hate that our visceral drive is largely independent of social and emotional factors (e.g., that she may be a total stranger, a prostitute, a porn photo, or a 16 year old clerk doesn't nullify the drive.)

 

I guess the male sex drive is just a dark and mysterious force that many women don't comprehend. Most dig it, but sadly many women apparently just think we're icky

 

Okay, that should get me a hatful of angry replies. But don't just try to make a name for yourself by whacking on me, enlighten me with your wisdom!

[bluetuesday]

oh flavius. we women need our collective heads looking at.

 

i too am familiar with some of my girlfriends moaning their partners don't pay them enough attention and then becoming moody and withholding sex to make him pay. i think they're nuts.

 

you say that 2/3 of wives want more sex. maybe they do but is that with their husbands????

 

i don't know the answer to this one. some of us are completely irrational, impossible to fathom and downright difficult. we want cake, then more cake, and then we want to eat your share. then we get moody and impossible because you're not supporting us on our diets. it's the nature of the beast. and i use the word advisedly.

 

come on women, shout me down.

 

but remember i'm one of you. and i've been learning these rules for 32 years.

[loveregardless]

My boyfreind has no reason or need for pornography. He has no interest in it. Neither of us masturbate either. there is no need for it. We occasionally glance at it on Max after dark when flipping through the channels, but it's really rather digusting and we just change it anyway. I think they're is something very wrong with watching two people in such an intimate moment and I think the industry is perverse and disgusting as a whole. I feel terribly bad for women who's husband watch such things and cause their women to feel less secure about their bodies, thier sexual abilities and the intimate act that is sex. Sex is sacred and they would not be allowed to see another women naked in real life, let alone naked and involved in a sexual act...so why is the fact that it's a photograph or a video any different? I can understand that some couples might use it jointly to spice up their sex lives...but that is a personal preference for them. Most times it is completely one sided and the men are the only ones watching these things and causing their women emotional/psychological damage. Hugh Heffner has been the major pioneer in marketing the perverse...and it is disgusting that women would be in such professions in the first place. I'm sure their parents are very proud...and once they get to be a certain age they just get bumped out of the house and replaced with a younger more attractive woman, later forced to deal with thier husbands or boyfreinds ignoring them and fantasizing about the new generation of perversion that has replaced them. The exact position that these women, who's husbands disrespect them with these behaviors, have been in all along. As women we should have more pride in our sexuality on a much more intimate level than this and I expect the same from my men.

[Proto]

Unless your man is looking at porno INSTEAD of having sex with you, this debate is absoleutly ridiculous.

 

Watching/masturbating to porno is NOT CHEATING. I don't care how you try to flip, twist, or spin it. It's not an infidelity. A lot of you women need to stop trying to find new ways to control your man and give your men some space.

[loveregardless]

being a pervert is fine as long as your not MY man. And it is cheating in MY opinion...why can a man not be satisfied with what he's got? My bf has no need or desire for it...I please him 100% and he me...nobody thinks masturbation is cheating...imagining having sex with some 19 year old porn star spread eagle in a magazine is cheating.

[zara]

Originally posted by Proto

Unless your man is looking at porno INSTEAD of having sex with you, this debate is absoleutly ridiculous.

 

Watching/masturbating to porno is NOT CHEATING. I don't care how you try to flip, twist, or spin it. It's not an infidelity. A lot of you women need to stop trying to find new ways to control your man and give your men some space.

 

this is not about control - why do men think this? it is about respect! I really do wonder what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot and men found their wives stash of porn - page after page of ripped young men with huge hard dicks on display, with lots of guy-on-guy action where women only featured in small parts, getting serviced by men, where the focus is on the nubile young men lapping at her obscured genitals, no woman's head in the shot (makes it easier to imagine it's you) some young stud's peachy ass having a dildo inserted by another toned young male - and she sneaked off to the bathroom with it regularly, kept pics on her pc or said "honey, i think we should look at this together!" and called you frigid and controlling for feeling uncmfortable with it. i really really wish women would put men in this position, even if they don't like it, just so the tables would be turned.

[loveregardless]

that is exactly it. We don't need to control you...you need to control yourselves!

[Proto]

Originally posted by zara

this is not about control - why do men think this? it is about respect! I really do wonder what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot and men found their wives stash of porn - page after page of ripped young men with huge hard dicks on display, with lots of guy-on-guy action where women only featured in small parts, getting serviced by men, where the focus is on the nubile young men lapping at her obscured genitals, no woman's head in the shot (makes it easier to imagine it's you) some young stud's peachy ass having a dildo inserted by another toned young male - and she sneaked off to the bathroom with it regularly, kept pics on her pc or said "honey, i think we should look at this together!" and called you frigid and controlling for feeling uncmfortable with it. i really really wish women would put men in this position, even if they don't like it, just so the tables would be turned.

 

 

Spare me the BS, IT IS ABOUT CONTROL. It's about making sure that you are completely in control of your man sexually....EVEN with himself. Women who have problems with porn have such extreme insecurities that you will even find a man who is pleasing himself, offensive!

 

 

And I don't want to hear that crap about "put a man in your situation". Yes, I look at porn, BUT SO DOES MY GIRLFRIEND!!!

 

Fancy that! A girl who actually doesn't have ridiculous insecurities in regards to relieving yourself sexually. And guess what, she loves the fact that I look at porn because we both have very high sex drives, and we aren't going to be able to have sex EVERY SINGLE SECOND. That's where porn comes in and we both use it to take care of our sex drives when we can't be together and to get some ideas on how to further pleasure each other.

 

My girlfriend is a confident, STRONG WOMAN who doesn't feel threatened by a freakin picture of a girl that I will never ever see in my life, have contact with, and will be deleted off my computer in 15 minutes.

 

 

Ladies, there is nothing wrong, immoral, or disrespectful WHATSOEVER about looking at porn and satisfying yourself sexually. It's human nature, it's natural, and it's healthy. It is not cheating, it is not infidelity, simple as that! There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If my girlfriend ever came to me with that crap about my not being able to look at porn anymore, I would find that offensive and controlling and we would have serious problems, because I don't try to control her in anyway shape or form.

 

 

And by the way, I bet the case with MOST GUYS is that the amount of porn viewed is a direct correlation with the amount of sex received. With my ex, I rarely looked at porn when we were having regular sex because it just didn't appeal to me, but when the sex stopped, the porn went back up, period.

 

 

There really is no excuse for acting so petty and ridiculous over something of this miniscule importance.

[Proto]

Originally posted by loveregardless

that is exactly it. We don't need to control you...you need to control yourselves!

 

No....

 

YOU NEED TO CONTROL YOURSELVES...AND YOUR INSECURITIES.

 

 

It's not our job to comply with every single issue that you have, unless it's very important (REAL cheating, prison time, parenthood, etc etc)

[Proto]

Originally posted by loveregardless

being a pervert is fine as long as your not MY man. And it is cheating in MY opinion...why can a man not be satisfied with what he's got? My bf has no need or desire for it...I please him 100% and he me...nobody thinks masturbation is cheating...imagining having sex with some 19 year old porn star spread eagle in a magazine is cheating.

 

 

Blah blah blah. Masturbating is natural and cannot be stopped, get over it.

 

Him imagining having sex with another woman that he doesn't even know or will never ever meet in his life is not cheating, get over it.

 

If he's pleasing you 100% then you really shouldn't have a problem with him using porn for the times that you two may not be together...get over it.

 

And you know I'm sure that you as well as countless other females on this board have seen a guy walking down the street who you thought was EXTREMELY attractive and thought about him slamming you on a table and having his way with you....so we men should decry that as cheating then? RIGHT???

 

 

My lord!

[loveregardless]

You arguments are genius! I like how many names you called us in that last one. That was sweet. Lets see here, "controlling" "petty" ridiculous"... yup, thats me...all of the above...and my bf loves every minute of it without being a disrespectful pervert. I'm glad you and your gf can share that...but that doesn't make it right or normal...or mean that for the rest of us it has no importance...just means you too are accepting of each others excessive sex drives and disrespect for the sex act. I don't have an opinion on that...it's your choice. America's great that way...freedom of choice to be ANYTHING you want. Just as it is our choice NOT be comfortable with such behavior. BTW...your theories on human nature were cute, too. You must be a psychiatrist and a biologist!

Stop attacking us for our opinion Proto...it's not going to get you anywhere.

[loveregardless]

but neither my bf or I masturbate...as I said before. It may be natural but its not necessary for us.

And you know what, I DON"T think disgusting perverted thoughts about men walking down the street...thank you very much. Again, stop attacking us and calm down.

[Proto]

Originally posted by loveregardless

but neither my bf or I masturbate...as I said before. It may be natural but its not necessary for us.

And you know what, I DON"T think disgusting perverted thoughts about men walking down the street...thank you very much. Again, stop attacking us and calm down.

 

 

It goes both ways. Stop attacking and accusing men of infidelity for looking at porn and I'll stop attacking you, period.

 

 

And that doesn't just apply TO YOU, that applies to many women out there who will think of sex when they see a man they find attractive but then turn around and accuse their husbands/boyfriends of doing the same thing.

 

 

It's called control, plain and simple.

[loveregardless]

All I'm saying is my bf and I don't look at the nasty perverted crap and that its not a problem for either of us.

[Proto]

Originally posted by loveregardless

You arguments are genius! I like how many names you called us in that last one. That was sweet. Lets see here, "controlling" "petty" ridiculous"... yup, thats me...all of the above...and my bf loves every minute of it without being a disrespectful pervert.

 

1) Thank you for proving my point

 

2) That's NOT being disrespectful. The fact that you would view him pleasing himself, and not ANYONE ELSE, is disrespectful shows a weakness of character.

 

 

I'm glad you and your gf can share that...but that doesn't make it right or normal...or mean that for the rest of us it has no importance...just means you too are accepting of each others excessive sex drives and disrespect for the sex act.

 

:laugh:

 

That's great! So because the two of us don't have insecurities with ourselves when it comes to sex, that must mean that it's disrespectful? Are you serious?!? Having sex with someone else outside of our relationship, is disrespecful. Calling each other names and hurting each others feelings, is disrespectful. Masturbating to porn? No. That just shows that the two of us are FAR more sexually and emotionally open with each other than you

 

I don't have an opinion on that...it's your choice. America's great that way...freedom of choice to be ANYTHING you want. Just as it is our choice NOT be comfortable with such behavior. BTW...your theories on human nature were cute, too. You must be a psychiatrist and a biologist!

Stop attacking us for our opinion Proto...it's not going to get you anywhere.

 

I don't really give a damn about you or your sexual behavior...but I do care when you try to get on some high horse and look down on couples who are much more sexually open with each other than you are. Then it's my duty to kick that horse right out from under you and let you know that you really don't have the right to judge us, or men who are pleasing themselves. You don't have the right to control them, and you don't have the right shove your moral adgenda down his throat.

 

My own complaint are the weak ass men who will actually agree to these demands! Come on fellas you should be better than that.

[Proto]

Originally posted by loveregardless

All I'm saying is my bf and I don't look at the nasty perverted crap and that its not a problem for either of us.

 

 

Um...you did a little more than that, as is explained in my reply.

[blind_otter]

I am a woman. I like porn. I don't find it degrading because those involved are consenting adults who freely choose this occupation.

 

I feel that those with issues with porn have peronsonal moral issues, and it's ridiculous to make blanket statements about anything, especially when it comes to habits and preferences of indivdual human psyches. Same as those who think masturbation is wrong (yet infants do it without prompting or observing the behavior, hmmmm).