How Long?

[Oh Moe]

Been dating each other for two years, all was perfect we love each other to death, still tell each other we do. Went to bed one night great, next morning wanted to break-up.

It's been a month, I cut of contact last Tuesday after getting mad at her for the first time ever, I told her **** if you don't love me tell me that and I'll disappear and she said I can't do that, because it's killing me her saying she loves me and misses me. Well she called Thursday, Friday and Sat., BUT she refuses to see me other then when we pass on the street, the one time I grabbed her and held her hand and she had watery eyes and drove away. If she sees me she's afraid she'll change her mind, the last time we were together we kissed and she made me leave saying get out of here before I change my mind that's how I know that. I don't want to contact her trying to give her time.

I've seen her around she works at a place I've stopping by for years now I've cut that out mostly now. I know she hasn't slept because she slipped and told me so the other day, she's lost so much weight she looks sickly and is physically looking it. We would go over each others house 4-5 times per week just to get good nights sleep because we would sleep so deep together. We only live about 2 miles from each other.

How long before I try pushing the issue of us again and how do I do it? Do two people who love each other as we do get back together?

[NopeNah]

Read my post on this very subject(feeling of relief).. My ex did the same things..It's all an act to make them feel better about what they"re doing to someone they care about..notice I said "care" not Love. Once the love flame's gone, it's gone in most cases.

[Oh Moe]

A little more to the story, as I said we both still tell each other we love and miss each other.

Here where her two main problems, She always said you have me to high on a pedestal, I thought this was being modest. She never explained what she meant. I will not exaggerate this women is wonderful, she did so much for me and my family. She's attractive, smart, the hardest working women I ever met. So she always got flowers, notes on her car, taken to dinner and I was always a gentleman to her, opened and closed the door for her the works.

Second she said I did to much for her, I was only replacing the favors she did for me. I cut her grass, if she worked long hours I had dinner, breakfast, lunch what ever cooked for her when she came home. If we ate at her place the dishes were cleaned. We picked each others kids up from school or after school events. She always said thanks and that was it. She said it felt as if I had control over her by doing all this. In our relationship she definitely had control 60/40. I loved it because all her decision were right on so I didn't mind.

Doesn't LOVE count for anything in a relationship any more ??????

[Thaddeus]

In our relationship she definitely had control 60/40. I loved it because all her decision were right on so I didn't mind.

And that's why.

 

Women want a leader, they want a man to take charge. Not in an aggressive, a55-holish way but in a way that says, clearly, "I am in charge of my own destiny. If you wish to be a part of it, come along. If not, that's ok too."

Doesn't LOVE count for anything in a relationship any more ??????

My friend, love is never enough.

[Oh Moe]

Ok A small update.

 

I cut off all contact last Tuesday after I for the first time was stern with her. I told her tell me you don't love me and I'll F______ leave and you'll never hear from me again. She said I can't do that.

Well she called me Thursday, Friday and Sat. I know she worked Sunday and Monday all day. Today she text me with an attitude about the cell bill that I need to pay, it's not due for another week at least, this was just a call to say I'm pissed you haven't bothered with me. Well I explained the deal to her that it's not due yet and such, Well with in a hour she's apologizing and telling me she going to call when she's done. She's totally on edge, lost so much weight she sickly looking. I think she's about to crash because her own words are she still loves me and she's fighting it. She can't handle her life and raising three kids. She has asked me many times to stop loving her so I can be her friend that she needs that so bad right now. I out of habit ask her how you doing and I get a short nasty I'll be ok.

I am sure she's going to call soon. What do I do??????????

Everyday not making contact it's getting easier and easier, BUT I do still love her and sure don't want her to crash.

[Oh Moe]

Since NC last Tuesday the Ex has contacted me nearly every day.

Well she stopped by yesterday to give my daughter something needed for today.

I had written a small note to her weeks ago but never had the opportunity to give it to her, it was short saying I acted like a jerk the last several weeks, she was mad and said I didn't and it was fine but I did and she knows it I also told her that at this time I thought the break up was a good idea and I agreed with it. She read it and couldn't believe it. She said she knew this was the hardest thing I've ever done. She said she is almost to the point where she can see me face to face and be comfortable. She also said she knew I was doing the NC thing because it's been over a week since I contacted her and it was OK to stop by and see her at work.

She also talked about her heart and mind again and said she didn't want me to get my hopes up but loved me from her heart and she knows that now.

How long to I wait to contact her or bring up a date ???

I believe in my heart she will contact within the next week or to.

[Oh Moe]

Another update maybe someone could comment??

 

I haven't contacted the Ex in nearly two weeks. She has initiated all contact. Well yesterday after along text session she got into what I thought of her and such. I got week and told her of course after several times saying I didn't want to go there. Well of couse it went back the other way and she still loves me. And from our past and knowing her I knew this anyway. All the conversations start out short and to the point and all end up with her saying this is a wonderful conversation. This week when we talk I'm going to cut it as short as I can. I think she calls just to maker sure I'm still interested, she knows I am. The more we talk the more she even uses all the nick names we had for each other. The winks smiles and all.

She even let me take her kids out last night to an arcade type place and we had a blast they had so much fun. She actually yelled at me the last time I seen them because she didn't want me to. I asked no questions but I know things aren't well at home they confided in me I just told them to love their Mother and they can call me anytime.

If she still loves me I'm convinced she will in a month also .If I cut her off can she learn not to love me, also how long before I initiate any contact. Would 30 days be to long ?

Any thoughts or comments?

[sheithappens]

the length of no contact is up to you, you know her , you know how she will react. also, a month does not seem like a lot of time to get over someone. you are lucky because you actually talk to the person.... wish i could say the same thing about my situation... anyways, hang in there, DO NOT show her you are weak.... remember , she wants to be with a man , not a boy..... Good Luck buddy... keep me posted dude

[Oh Moe]

It just sucks that we both still love each other to death and she won't budge.

[mimiminx]

your story sounds a lot like mine. I feel the same way, we love eachother so much but he won't budge. That is exactly how I feel.

[Peanut9330]

It just sucks that we both still love each other to death and she won't budge.

 

 

Not trying to sound harsh or anything just an opinion but maybe she's not budging because her love is not as deep as u think it is. I'm sure she loves you but maybe not as much and you would hope.

[Oh Moe]

I'm no expert her or I wouldn't be here. LOL

But how do you love someone only so much? When we talk she admits she loves me, she misses me. I haven't contacted her in two weeks tomorrow. She has initiated all contact, she won't see me alone she's afraid she may change her mind her words not mine.

I have series health issues that popped up and if all goes well this I am going to try to not talk even talk to her if she contacts me. NC for at least 4 weeks because me not calling her but her calling me I figure isn't no contact. No she doesn't know of my health issues I wouldn't tell her because I don't want her back because of that.

Just confused!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Not trying to sound harsh or anything just an opinion but maybe she's not budging because her love is not as deep as u think it is. I'm sure she loves you but maybe not as much and you would hope.

[Peanut9330]

I understand I know its confusing but just look at it this way actions speak louder than words and all she's doing is talking without backing up what she's saying. I think your on the right path with NC that way your able to heal and move on, and in the future if she realizes that she wants to be with you than let her contact you, and show you that she truly wants to be with you not tell you how much she loves you but refuse to do anything about it. I been in that boat before and believe that kind of talk leads nowhere. Just work on yourself get better stay positive and enjoy life. It will get better... I promise!!!

[NopeNah]

You are correct in saying when you talk to her,even if it's her initiating, is in fact, contact. It's hard not to answer the call/texts, i know. But, if you're still in contact she doesn't have the FULL effect of her actions turned on her. The phrase "how can I miss you,when you won't go away?" comes to mind. NC is just that.. VANISH off the face of the planet!

[Oh Moe]

Ok this is what's going to be done. After the Dr results this week that's it. Do I tell her or not or just ignore her from now on.

[NopeNah]

I'd say nothing to her

[Peanut9330]

Ok this is what's going to be done. After the Dr results this week that's it. Do I tell her or not or just ignore her from now on.

 

 

Its your choice you can tell her by saying dont contact me anymore I need time and space form you in order to be able to heal, or if u prefer just do it without telling her, let her figure it out.

[mimiminx]

Oh Moe-

It sounds like you and I are in a very, very similar situation. Your posts sound very much like mine and I find myself relating to so much of what you're writing. My ex also has always been the one who initiates contact with me, it's been nearly daily (with the exception of one or two days) for about a month now. (He left 6 weeks ago) He says the same things "I love you, I miss you, I want more than a friendship with you, he flirted even flirted with me. Yet, his actions just aren't following. He doesn't do anything about it because for some reason he's conflicted. He says pretty much the same thing, that if we saw eachother he would be weak, and I know we would most likely end up back together. In my case, he is afraid or something, he doesn't want to get back into the unhealthy pattern we were in (poor communication skills on both of our parts), yet he is still in love with me, still loves me, sends me pictures of us together, etc. But he won't budge. I believe you, it's not that they don't love us as much as we love them, or it's not as deep, because WE know.. we were with these people for so many years and know how it ended. My relationship didn't end badly, in fact the last thing he told me before he left, the LAST time I saw him he said "I love you" and he meant it. Don't listen to the nay-sayers

As far as the NC, I am also struggling with it, and HOW to go about it. I'm in the same boat as you... should I tell him I'm not going to respond or just do it and leave him hanging? I spent the past few days agonizing over an email that I was writing to him, explaining how I need my distance, if he ever comes to a point that he wants to work this out, I'd be more than happy to hear from him, etc. Basically, "leave me alone unless you want to get back together" (in a kind way). I haven't sent it and you know, I may not. I may just disappear off the face of the planet and go total NC. That, I am learning is the best way to go. If you give them the impression that you are still "around" by communicating with them, they know you're not going anywhere. I think going NC makes them REALLY wonder. You don't even have to say anything to warn them that you won't be communicating with them, just do it. I may not send my email but I have it saved. I understand your position, since you HAVE been in contact with her, as I have with him, it seems abrupt to just disappear and no longer respond to them but believe me, if someone did that to me I'd sure as hell be wondering and eventually chasing them down the street begging for them back if if I really loved them! (sometimes it helps me to reverse the roles to gain strength, I guess.

Really, how can they know what life is like without you if you're still around?

I understand, it is so incredibly painful. It has been over 6 weeks since my out of the blue breakup of a 2.5 year relationship that was full of true love and respect. It hurts like hell.

Believe me, keeping "in limbo" is not going to ensure the chance of a reconciliation.. it will only breed resentment and ill feelings if gone on too long.

I would say, don't tell her about your test results. Go NC, ignore her attempts until she literally comes to you in person and says and PROVES "I want to get back together. I made a mistake. I will do anything to salvage our relationship. I am sorry, etc. Then wait for the follow through. That may not happen but again it may. You won't know unless you stop responding and contacting her.

After a month, you're right... if she does love you, she'll still love you then. "Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great" . This is the quote that gets me through.. no separation, breakup or distance can keep people who truly love eachother apart. Time and distance to a love that isn't true will destroy it. I know, this has happened to me before. There is no room for "limbo", especially in a case of the dumpees being indecisive, or wishy washy. Limbo is the worst place to be and you shouldn't be there with them.

I really should take my own advice! Trying to! So many people have been telling me the same thing and I am finally coming to believe it. In the meantime, take care of yourself! Think of it as over, even if in your heart you know it's not, don't hang on to the hope that she'll come to her senses and come back to you.. that way you won't be disappointed. You may be surprised what happens on your end when you stop the contact. If you have a chance, read Georgia Girl's posts. She has continually given me great advice and she has a success story. As someone else said, the success stories here generally if not always come from NC.

Keep us posted and good luck!

[Oh Moe]

MIMIMINX

 

Well she called to get my test results this week and was pretty cheery when all was good, it took a load of of my mind.

We went no place else I wouldn't let it. Kept the conversation to less then 5 minutes and we said good bye. She still wants me to stop by her work and get a book that she has, we used to share books, I said I wasn't going to do that and she said she would keep it in her purse just in case I change my mind.

Well it's been 2.5 days since we talked and I am going to stick to it at least three weeks for my own sanity.

As I said she called last week and I know she just wanted to hear me say that I loved her. I am hoping she just needs time to sort out her head, we do have 6 kids between us and we do have a big load. We always worked through them.

My faith gets in the way of logic sometimes though, I have never encountered two people who love each other like we do and just want to end it, it makes no sense to try to unlove someone.

I think the reason we are here now is lack of communication we used to weekly go out and talk about nothing and little things would come up and we would talk of them, this was a bad summer and we went out once that I remember and it was long needed we talked about everything but us. Since we've been talking the reason we are where we're at is so silly, I've learned a lot in the last month and she says she has also.

I believe because of our love we will work things out in the next month.

[mimiminx]

I hope things do work out for you. It's funny you mention lack of communication... if you read my post "Over Not Over" I have come to the same conclusion as to why me and my ex split. I even sent him an email about it. I know exactly how you feel... how can two people who love eachother so much and have all the great things about a relationship between them not be together? Well, as I have learned, communication is the glue that holds everything together. If that isn't intact, the relationship isn't stable.

[yag1967]

She sound clinically depressed. Did something traumatic happen recently?

[Oh Moe]

Yes there were two things with in a week of each other. One relative related and one of her kids having problems.

 

She sound clinically depressed. Did something traumatic happen recently?

[Oh Moe]

To bad we're three thousand miles apart we could drown in a few beers. LOL

 

 

I hope things do work out for you. It's funny you mention lack of communication... if you read my post "Over Not Over" I have come to the same conclusion as to why me and my ex split. I even sent him an email about it. I know exactly how you feel... how can two people who love eachother so much and have all the great things about a relationship between them not be together? Well, as I have learned, communication is the glue that holds everything together. If that isn't intact, the relationship isn't stable.

[Oh Moe]

Well today is day five of N/C and it sucks in plane english. I did a lot of soul searching the last few weeks to month anyway, I still believe we will be together before long.

I've realized I did lose myself somewhat in the last two years. I was always a leader, confident, always had a plan and stuck to it, went to the gym (gained about 30 lbs in the two yrs. together), dressed nicely whenever we went out. I lost most of this the last several months, the biggest thing was the communication we had but that was due to the kids being around all summer we had one day together without the kids all summer long. As a leader I would have confronted this and took care of it.

I have started to work on several of these things, going back to the gym is just one, have a plan again for the short term, long term and for us. I always worked from a plan because it works well for me. I've lost nearly 20 lbs. in a month, I dress up when I go out now.

I will survive to be happy again.

IN all honesty if she came crawling back today I wouldn't take the second chance on the relationship we had. I want a new one and I'll be in charge again, that with the love we have for each other it will be better then ever!!!!!!!!!!

[Oh Moe]

Well day six and she is texting and texting and texting. I'm going to have to ponder some here.