conehead Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 So Katherine, have u heard back from him yet? Sorry for your breakup. I'm going through one myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 12, 2009 Author Share Posted September 12, 2009 No I have still not heard back from him and I cant believe it... Maybe he's hurt, maybe he's being stubborn, maybe he's initiating No Contact.... Maybe he genuinely doesnt give a f*** .... I dont know... Im done with him and moving on, but I feel like I have no real closure since we havent even SPOKEN about us breaking up and I havent heard ANYTHING back from him... How could he do this? Just throw someone you care about away like that?? I feel so disposable. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 No I have still not heard back from him and I cant believe it... Maybe he's hurt, maybe he's being stubborn, maybe he's initiating No Contact.... Maybe he genuinely doesnt give a f*** .... I dont know... Im done with him and moving on, but I feel like I have no real closure since we havent even SPOKEN about us breaking up and I havent heard ANYTHING back from him... How could he do this? Just throw someone you care about away like that?? I feel so disposable. Well, as crappy as it is, at least he is showing his true colors. When tough times hit, he turtles, rather than deal with it. This should just underscore that this guy is not someone you can depend on in a long term healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 No I have still not heard back from him and I cant believe it... Maybe he's hurt, maybe he's being stubborn, maybe he's initiating No Contact.... Maybe he genuinely doesnt give a f*** .... I dont know... Im done with him and moving on, but I feel like I have no real closure since we havent even SPOKEN about us breaking up and I havent heard ANYTHING back from him... How could he do this? Just throw someone you care about away like that?? I feel so disposable. I know it sucks when men act like that but If he dont want to treat you right, you not going to be happen anyway. I learned the hard way to TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD!! If he dont want a relationship...YOU have to ACCEPT IT. If he is not treating you right....even though you love him alot....You have to make the change for your life. I didnt value myself and I paid for being a doormat and letting him get away with stuff and guess what....it didnt get any better. Stop waiting for his call or whatever. He is not going to give you want you want and you dont have time to wait for him to decide to do so. He may never decide to treat you right He aint going to act right and you are going to be even more disappointed baby Link to post Share on other sites
climbergirl Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 But I really cant believe that he has not gotten in touch with me, which could mean one of three things... 1) He's a coward, and doesnt want to face the music 2) He doesnt care and he never did or 3) He feels hurt and his pride is getting in his way, just like it always has IMO, Katherine, it could be none of the above. Some use the silent treatment as a form of punishment. Perhaps he knew you were going to end things and didn't want to face it, but after his 4 day vanishing stint-I'm thinking he's using his silence as a weapon. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 Katherine, read up on passive-aggressiveness. It might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 I still havent heard from him. I want to contact him so badly... I just feel like I never had any closure... we never communicated our break up. This is killing me. I just wish he would call me. My boss said it sounds like a man scorned... Do you think I should call him, to have a dialogue at least?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lynx331 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I still havent heard from him. I want to contact him so badly... I just feel like I never had any closure... we never communicated our break up. This is killing me. I just wish he would call me. My boss said it sounds like a man scorned... Do you think I should call him, to have a dialogue at least?? Personaly... I would not call him. I second the idea that he is usingthis o punish you. He's probably pissed.. So he's like alright I won't talk to her that will eat at her. If you call.. I can guarantee you will NOT get an answer.. And you will PROVE to him what he wants, that his ignorng you is tearing you up inside. You will without meaning to, reinforce this immature behaviour. Stand your ground, stand behind what you did and how you feel, don't give him any satisfaction. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynx331 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 You've already stood up for yourself, you did the hardest part already... Don't sit back down. Just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
JohnP82 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I don't understand the problem. You already said your peace so why does he need to talk to you? He knows the relationship is over and so do you, so move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Share Posted September 19, 2009 I know. Youre both right. I dont really know why I want to talk to him. I guess I just miss him. I just feel like things didnt end the way they shouldve, like I have no real closure. I mean, there was no huge fight, there was no betrayal, no name calling... I dont see why we cant have a final goodbye. I still really care for him, and I know he cares for me. I definitely didnt end things based on any lack of love, I just knew that we werent compatable, that my needs were different than what he could give me, and that nothing was going to change. I just wish I got a chance to explain all that to him, and to actually have a real conversation... like two adults who care about each other, and have spent a year of theyre life together, and a million memories created, deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynx331 Posted September 19, 2009 Share Posted September 19, 2009 I know. Youre both right. I dont really know why I want to talk to him. I guess I just miss him. I just feel like things didnt end the way they shouldve, like I have no real closure. I mean, there was no huge fight, there was no betrayal, no name calling... I dont see why we cant have a final goodbye. I still really care for him, and I know he cares for me. I definitely didnt end things based on any lack of love, I just knew that we werent compatable, that my needs were different than what he could give me, and that nothing was going to change. I just wish I got a chance to explain all that to him, and to actually have a real conversation... like two adults who care about each other, and have spent a year of theyre life together, and a million memories created, deserve. I completely understand what your saying... However.. You hav toremember the reason why you can't have your final goodbye. It's because of him! Not you, you are doing/have done nothing wrong! The reason you can have a goodbye is his fault, not yours. So you shouldn't feel bad at all.. I understand you want to say good bye, but in my opinion.. You would just be hurting yorself more if you talked to him now. Believe it or not.. Your healing.. Maybe only a little bit but your healing.. If you talk/see her again.. You will be righ back to square one. Trust me.. Idid that just a week ago... Sent me right back into a depressed sad/crying state.. That I had already got passed.. This is all just my opinion.. So take it for what it's worth but I do think you will only make him feel better, and you feel worse if you contact him. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I know. Youre both right. I dont really know why I want to talk to him. I guess I just miss him. I just feel like things didnt end the way they shouldve, like I have no real closure. I mean, there was no huge fight, there was no betrayal, no name calling... I dont see why we cant have a final goodbye. I still really care for him, and I know he cares for me. I definitely didnt end things based on any lack of love, I just knew that we werent compatable, that my needs were different than what he could give me, and that nothing was going to change. I just wish I got a chance to explain all that to him, and to actually have a real conversation... like two adults who care about each other, and have spent a year of theyre life together, and a million memories created, deserve. I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I communicated for a little while after our break up, and about a month ago I finally wrote her a letter where I said "if you want me to move on and make someone else happy, as you have told me to do, please talk to me and help me get over some of this baggage that I still feel". Since then I haven't really heard from her. I can't understand it at all. We meant something to each other for a year and a half, now she is moved on to a new guy, new job, new everything, and I asked her to just talk to me about a few of the things that happened so I could forgive myself and move on, and she won't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Ok, I am going to be very blunt here. You called him a coward for not answering, but you dumped him via txt? That was the coward move, not him not replying. You leave this guy whom you love and who loves you b/c he is not appreciating you? From what I am reading here, your actions are totally emotionally immature. Sure, maybe he's not meeting your needs, but how was he not appreciating you? Maybe I am confused and totally wrong, but maybe you can let me know what he did so terrible? Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Ok, I am going to be very blunt here. You called him a coward for not answering, but you dumped him via txt? That was the coward move, not him not replying. You leave this guy whom you love and who loves you b/c he is not appreciating you? From what I am reading here, your actions are totally emotionally immature. Sure, maybe he's not meeting your needs, but how was he not appreciating you? Maybe I am confused and totally wrong, but maybe you can let me know what he did so terrible? Whoa! Alright... let me answer some of those questions for you. 1- He has been ignoring her calls for awhile, yes that was a coward move. (Grown adults do not ignore eachother, and if he was doing it for a reason, that makes him even more of a coward). 2- She tried getting ahold of him, but since he was being a coward and not answering, she had no other choice but to break up with him over the phone. 3- Emotionally immature? I think you might need to do a little self-evaluating. When two people are in a relationship, and one is not giving the other what they need out of the relationship, but instead running and hiding (ignoring phone calls/not returning calls), the other person has MORE than enough reason to break off the relationship. It's not fair to her that this relationship was completely on his terms, and his terms only. It didn't matter what she wanted out of the relationship, it only mattered what he wanted. She did the right thing. 4- 'Maybe he's not meeting your needs'.... gross. Why would two people stay together if their needs aren't being met? But instead, the other person is being disrespected constantly, even AFTER she told him how it was making her feel! Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I think the real problem here is you dumped someone you didn't want to actually end the relationship with. You are upset he hasn't called, not because you want a "final goodbye" and closure, but because you were hoping your dumping him would make him wake up and pay attention and suddenly become a loving, doting, communicating boyfriend. You weren't expecting to him just dissapear altogether. I empathize with you that you felt you had no other alternative to get his attention, but you shouldn't ever dump someone "for real" if you don't really mean it. I imagine you are learning that lesson now but if it's any consolation, you don't want to be with someone who isn't willing to work at your relationship anyway, you will get nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Whoa! Alright... let me answer some of those questions for you. 1- He has been ignoring her calls for awhile, yes that was a coward move. (Grown adults do not ignore eachother, and if he was doing it for a reason, that makes him even more of a coward). 2- She tried getting ahold of him, but since he was being a coward and not answering, she had no other choice but to break up with him over the phone. 3- Emotionally immature? I think you might need to do a little self-evaluating. When two people are in a relationship, and one is not giving the other what they need out of the relationship, but instead running and hiding (ignoring phone calls/not returning calls), the other person has MORE than enough reason to break off the relationship. It's not fair to her that this relationship was completely on his terms, and his terms only. It didn't matter what she wanted out of the relationship, it only mattered what he wanted. She did the right thing. 4- 'Maybe he's not meeting your needs'.... gross. Why would two people stay together if their needs aren't being met? But instead, the other person is being disrespected constantly, even AFTER she told him how it was making her feel! No offense, but you're answering for a total stranger. She can answer herself. I'm no stranger to relationships. I am in my md 40's and been there done that. Newflash, if you REALLY love someone, you don't throw them away because there is a bump in the road. Keep this up and you'll have 100 different relationships by the time you're in yout 50's. Not being appreciated by someone you love is the most common mishap in any relationship. People are people and we all don't see eye to eye. Sitting down and talking to your partner is the mature and right move, not to throw them away. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I think the real problem here is you dumped someone you didn't want to actually end the relationship with. You are upset he hasn't called, not because you want a "final goodbye" and closure, but because you were hoping your dumping him would make him wake up and pay attention and suddenly become a loving, doting, communicating boyfriend. You weren't expecting to him just dissapear altogether. I empathize with you that you felt you had no other alternative to get his attention, but you shouldn't ever dump someone "for real" if you don't really mean it. I imagine you are learning that lesson now but if it's any consolation, you don't want to be with someone who isn't willing to work at your relationship anyway, you will get nowhere. Bingo, it's called being passive argressive and not mature at all. No shame in it, we all do it. We all want to be hear/loved and to get attention. Men are pretty smart creatures when it comes to the "games" of women Link to post Share on other sites
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Share Posted September 20, 2009 Hi Everyone! Thanks for taking the time to respomd. Sorry it took me so long, I was without a computer all night! EEEP! Lynx: Thank you so much for your replies. they have helped me not to call him. And I dont think Im going to. Although... he does have something of mine that I want back, but I dont need it anytime soon... maybe that can wait until later. Exit: Im sorry you are going through this yourself. From what Ive heard of your story, it seems as if your girl likes to keep you on a string... which in my opinion, is evenm worse than being ignored... But I saw that you posted an updated thread, so Im going to check that out in a moment. Red: I KNOWWWW how cowardly breaking up with someone over a text message is!!! Trust me. I in no way wanted to do that. but I was calling him for 3 days straight... leaving voicemails... he wouldnt pick up or call me back... and on the 3rd day, he hit the IGNORE button!!! that reeeeally pissed me off, so in a fury I was like "OK! you wanna play like couple of children? then lets do this!" Hahah. I really do wish I could take it back, but I cant. I jus couldnt carry that burden with my for any longer. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I was screwing up at work... I had to get it off my chest. And him ignoring me for three days didnt make me feel like I was being respected... As far as the problems in the relationship... there were many. No huge fights, no betrayals, nothing like that. They were mainly due to the fact that he could be a complete selfish bastard, who didnt ever think of ANYONE before himself and his needs... He couldnt communicate with me virtually at all... it was semi-long distance, and when I did get to see him, for the last month or so, he wasnt making the same effort I was putting in... There are a number of reasons why I was feeling unappreciated... Its just hard to articulate. But if you have time, you could look up m old threads throughout the year... Thatll give you an idea! I sat him down and talked to him about this a MILLION times... I fought for us, for a long time, this wasnt by any means, any singluar bump, I was exhausted. And I had nothing left to give him. I am by nature, a fighter, when it comes to someone I care for... I dont ever give up on people. This is the first guy Ive ever broken up with! Im always the broken, not the breaker! Maybe thats why Im having such a hard time... Erica: thanks so much for going to bat for me! Hahaha. You pretty much nailed it all. And your advice on these forums is wonderful, youve helped me tremendously. I feel empowered and valuable again! Hoping: In a way, you got me. I do still care for him a lot. And yes, I didnt WANT to break up with him, but I knew that I had to. When I first started this thread, we were trying to work things out, but that last weekend we spent together... I finally realized that all my efforts were in vain, that this is my reality, and its permanent.... unless I leave. So I knew I had to leave. Its just that he wasnt the same person I fell in love with. He never treated me this way, he never made me feel disposable. Hes not the same man. I was fighting for someone I didnt really know. It broke my heart. I still do love him. yes. But I dont love him NOW, I love him THEN. I suppose there was a part of me that was hoping that this break up would jumpstart him into being the guy he was for the first 10 months, and to be completetly honest, I still hope this. But I know Ive made the right decision, and Im sticking to it. I just wish I got a chance to say all those things to him... That I didnt break up with him out of any lack of love, but because I missed the way things were... Im having a much stronger day today. Its the rollercoaster of it all... One day Im fine, and then the next minute, Im watching tv, something triggers, and Im crying to myself. Ive never broken up with anyone... well anyone that I loved.... Im suprised at how difficult Im taking this... Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I know exactly what you are going through, that's why it was so easy for me to stick up for you!! My fiance pulled the same crap! Ignored me for days, didn't care about my needs or wants. We broke up once for it, got back together (thinking he wouldn't do it anymore) and he went right back to being the same him. It sucks because there is a part of you who knows the kind of man he could be (because he once was that man), so you try to hang onto that for as long as you can. But it gets to a point where you realize that he isn't the same man who used to care about your feelings and your needs out of the relationship, and that's when you break it off. Just like I did. It's hard to be the person to break up with someone else, because you go through so many doubts about whether or not you did the right thing. You did the right thing! No matter how many conversations you have with him about this, it all comes down to him being selfish, and he isn't willing to change that for anyone. Not even himself. And as much as it hurts, thinking about all the good times you once had... you were very right in saying that you do not love this man. You don't even know him anymore. You love the old guy you were with. That's who you knew. It's a very very very hard thing to come to accept, but once you do... you'll see that it only gets better from there. It takes a very strong woman to be able to stand up for what she needs and wants, and I give you props!! Tons of girls will stay in a terrible relationship hoping he will revert back to his old ways. I know this too, I was one of them for awhile. But, at the end of the day, when you are all alone (like you were even when you were with him), you are getting exactly what you want and deserve. Respect. Only this time it's not coming from any other human being, it's coming from yourself. And that, to me, is the greatest form of respect in the whole world. I am going through this with you. We will get past this, and we will be much better people afterwards. Stay strong!! You can get through this!! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 in a moment. Red: I KNOWWWW how cowardly breaking up with someone over a text message is!!! Trust me. I in no way wanted to do that. but I was calling him for 3 days straight... leaving voicemails... he wouldnt pick up or call me back... and on the 3rd day, he hit the IGNORE button!!! that reeeeally pissed me off, so in a fury I was like "OK! you wanna play like couple of children? then lets do this!" Hahah. I really do wish I could take it back, but I cant. I jus couldnt carry that burden with my for any longer. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I was screwing up at work... I had to get it off my chest. And him ignoring me for three days didnt make me feel like I was being respected... As far as the problems in the relationship... there were many. No huge fights, no betrayals, nothing like that. They were mainly due to the fact that he could be a complete selfish bastard, who didnt ever think of ANYONE before himself and his needs... He couldnt communicate with me virtually at all... it was semi-long distance, and when I did get to see him, for the last month or so, he wasnt making the same effort I was putting in... There are a number of reasons why I was feeling unappreciated... Its just hard to articulate. But if you have time, you could look up m old threads throughout the year... Thatll give you an idea! I sat him down and talked to him about this a MILLION times... I fought for us, for a long time, this wasnt by any means, any singluar bump, I was exhausted. And I had nothing left to give him. I am by nature, a fighter, when it comes to someone I care for... I dont ever give up on people. This is the first guy Ive ever broken up with! Im always the broken, not the breaker! Maybe thats why Im having such a hard time... thanks for explaining this. This does make sense. He sounds like a chid. I understand about the not sleeping or eating while living in limbo. He seems super selfish. Signs of a very immature and insecure man. I do get where you had to make your point though. I am sure he's hurt, but guys like him will die before showing grief. Stay focused and huge hug Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 I It takes a very strong woman to be able to stand up for what she needs and wants, and I give you props!! Tons of girls will stay in a terrible relationship hoping he will revert back to his old ways. I know this too, I was one of them for awhile. But, at the end of the day, when you are all alone (like you were even when you were with him), you are getting exactly what you want and deserve. Respect. Only this time it's not coming from any other human being, it's coming from yourself. And that, to me, is the greatest form of respect in the whole world. Agreed and very well said :-) Link to post Share on other sites
wondering_girl Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 hi katherine and girls, it's amazing how we're all on the same boat, total strangers that have the same problems... writing on here helps.. katherine, the way you're feeling right now is the exact same thing i'm dealing with, almost with my bf of 4 years, i saw your comment on my post, thank you. being in the emotional rollercoaster is horrible i can't eat, i can't sleep, i keep losing weight just like you said and i dream about him almost every night....it's sooo hard to let go because i sit here wondering.....what happened to the "cool bf" i once had, where is this ignoring thing coming from and he's continuing to do it too...... i guess all i don't really have much advice except let's just all take it one day at a time easier said than done ahhhh, some of my days are ok, some days cry, some day angry.... i hope it gets better for us, the only thing that hurts the most is that i still love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted September 20, 2009 Share Posted September 20, 2009 Always remember that he was not like this in the beginning. If he had been you would not be in a relationship with him. So he has shown he CAN be consistent and reliable - but he chooses not to be for what ever reason and it isn't up to you to figure out why. A guy starts behaving badly and you call him on it. You let him know you will walk if it continues and if it does you follow your words and WALK. You don't want him the way he is. And that is who he is CHOOSING to be. So if you walk away - he may straighten up and want another shot - if so, at that point he has a lot to prove because the relationship had to end for him to get a clue (although you told him before) and that is a bad sign. If he doesn't straighten up and it is over then he never was going to, he had become a waste of time and emotion. He would have kept you unhappy for as long as you allowed him to. We teach people how to treat us. If a man starts treating you like a doormat - you have a choice. Stay there and be a doormat OR walk away and find someone else. Ladies - you ALL deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
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