LDR situation.

[dell2009]

I've been with my gf for about 7 months, LDR ~80 miles. From the time we started dating we saw each other for the most part once a week, because of our schedules and things. She starts school at her college again this fall. I did trust her 100% but then 2 weeks ago she called it off saying she didn't know what she wanted, if she wanted a relationship, our distance bothered her, and we are in differenc eplaces in life ( i graduated). A few days later she wanted to get back togheter, and said it wasn't a breakup, but she just felt overwhelmed and saw it as a little break. At times I do see things like this being a communication issue with her. She doesn't open up and answer things sometimes, but just gives me an IDK. then later when i ask she'll briefly work on it. She said she would work on communicating with me better, espescially with the whole saying the breakup when that wasn't what she wanted.

 

I'm just having insecurities with trust where because I know she goes out and likes to party. Which is fine. But naturally she's a very open communicative girl. Some people would see this as flirting. Me, if i did't know her, probably would think she was flirting with me, because she has no issues talking to people, even those she don't know. And that's one huge trait I really like, but in the bar scene, drunk guys, they can think of it as someone else. And if she had a few drinks, i've seen pictures of her all over guys. And just this summer she went out and things she said were cool bu tthen i ran into a pic with her all over a guy ( not kissing but u can definitely see from a 3rd person liek there was an interest with this random guy). We have 4 years apart in our age. We love each other.

 

The question is, do I just not let those little things bother me? Let her enjoy her college years with having me be apart of it at times or if I can't handle it walk away. I'm not going to tell someone to NOT do something. I will tell her i feel uncomfortable with certain things. Sometimes it just stinks thinking about it all when she's out, knowing how she may be acting, and maybe not even knowing it, because of her natural flirtyness or what not. I told her i felt uncomfortable if she's blacking out when she goes out, and she said that has only happen liked 3 times ever in her life, and rest it was just more gray areas.

 

And she doesn't have a car so it's me having to make the effort to see her. And she said she can't hang out every weekend because she has things to do, school, etc. this first weekend i asked if i can com eup with her and she said no because she wants to reunite with all her friends. Which i think is totally fine and cool. But if ur in love with someone, wouldn't u want to be with them? and have them be with your friends? and introduce them etc? she's met a lot of my friends already.

 

one mystery keeps me wondering is when someone said something about her hooking up with someone (before i met her) that I know and she is friends with , and when i asked her about it, she denied it. and that really makes me wonder...

 

I guess I'm here to ask for advise. or what is the best way to deal with the situation.

 

wow i'm all over the place in this post. haha.

[jumi]

My boyfriend and I are nearly exactly 80 miles apart... he is graduating this semester and I am entering my sophomore year (both college). So we're almost the same haha, except you know... genders reversed. but anyway...

 

it's good that you understand her outgoing nature and let her be who she is. what i don't like is the drinking... this is my personal opinion, so take it as you will, but i disrespect when people use drinking as an excuse to condone bad decisions. First of all, it is your sober and conscious choice to drink, and a girl who has been to as many parties as she has been should well know the line between being buzzed and drunk. So I feel like if you communicate to her that her drunken behavior really worries you and is hurting your relationship, then I feel like she should control herself and not let herself get wasted... for her own sake and for yours. She may not be able to control her behavior when she is drunk but she can certainly prevent being drunk.

 

overall it sounds like she is having an internal struggle, and she may be afraid to talk to you openly about it... being an outgoing person, she may be uncomfortable being vulnerable and opening up her true thoughts on the situation. but, in all honesty, a serious LDR needs a strong foundation of trust and understanding, or it will degenerate. but I think you need to talk to her and give her a chance to explain herself before you make any decisions, tell her how you feel and encourage her to open up for the sake of your relationship.

[dell2009]

Hi there Jumi thanks for the response!

 

She said I love you first, which i assume dropped down her vulnerability but i think she does have some type of guard up still , and i was hesitant at first to say it back. We talk ona daily basis, phone, text, sometimes email and skype. I know with her last bf of 2.5 years she would disobey her parents and visit him with a flight. With me, she wanted to be honest with her parents and ensure they like me, and they do. She did add her X on FB again today, because she said he's always resquested it and finally gave in. (irrelevant but im just ranting haha).

 

I mean even without the drinking she can be seen as flirty, beacuse her openness and nature. When we drink together she is very emotional with me, says i love you and is all over me. I have yet to see it when we go out this fall int he bars of her college town. but the few times we have went out last spring things were pretty good, and very fun. she doesnt intentioanlly go to get drunk, but u know how it goes when you are taking shots. I'm happy she doesn't black out, but seeing how drinking makes people more open and flirty, i'm just afraid of that, how she acts with other people, when i'm not there. i trust she wont cheat on me, but i also dont want to be dating a girl who has the cookie and the pie, or however that saying goes. her doing whatever (not kissing of course) with guys when shes out and im not t around then here i am when i visit or am on the phone. best of both worlds or whatever you wanna call it.

 

Yeah it is frustrating sometimes when she gives me an IDK response to something, such as yesturday when we were together all day. Then on her drive home she gave me the brief answer, then got off the phone. I know people are diferent, and communication with people is different.. im on that if i have na issue i want to addrses it right away, i dont need time to think where i think she likes to think about stuff. Since the brief breakup or whatever she did say she was going to be more open to discuss things instead of keeping it inside, but she's told me before she keeps things inside then it explodes at once. And yesturdays incident contradicts what she said since she didn't explain to me off the bat, and told me later.

 

I'm afraid that we may hit a plateu in our relationship where it wont go anywhere since we have the same arguments or the same situation where she wont open up on questions or situations, but i hope i can some how find a way for her to be able to speak to me about things.