wife left me - how do i get a 2nd chance? i am not dealing with this well...

[luke5579]

I have been married 3 1/2 years. We were married at 21 and we are each 24 1/2 now.

 

My wife told me 1 month ago today she was moving out.

 

I read the books she left for me and now that I look back everything is so clear, i know exactly why she feels the way she does now and exactly what I have done in the past to correct this.

 

Its the same thing that is so common in marriages, I wasnt meeting her emmotional needs which in turn made her feel unimportant, unloved and not my top priority. In my mind she was all of these things, however I wasnt showing it with my actions. Staying late at work and forgetting to call, not spending quality time with her, making mean comments, not truly listening to her when she would talk to me about the way she was feeling. In my mind I really thought she was depressed and saw only the negative things about me, thats why she was unhappy. We saw a counselor a year ago and she thought my wife was depressed and wanted her to seek medical attention. Once I heard this then I was convinced that she was depressed due to her low self esteem. So when she talked about not feeling loved I just said "its her depression, there is nothing i we can do to make this better unless she gets on some antidepression medicine". However in reality if there was any depression it was due to me not making her feel like number 1 in my life. We have had many discussions in our marriage about things I was doing that made her unhappy and I always said i would work on them, but never had a real understanding of why these things made her happy. So in turn I went back to my old ways and I made her feel more and more unloved every day that went by.

 

Now I have a very deep understanding of what I was doing and I know exactly why she felt the way she felt. My only problem now is that I am afraid she isnt going to give me another chance to prove this to her. She has found an apartment, new cell phone and isnt talking to me very much. I know that I am pushing her away further because I am becoming more and more of a emotional basketcase and calling and emailing her very frequently. I just feel like if we go very long without talking that she will like being single more than being married and choose that route. If she doesnt talk to me then she doesnt have to think about me, which i think will allow her to grow apart from me more easily.

 

She says that she still loves me but not like a husband, more like a friend. She says that she is scared to come back and things go back to the way they used to be, she said she cant take anymore emotionally.

 

Over the last few days she is ignoring my phone calls, voice mails and emails which only makes things worse for me. That makes me wonder 1 million things, what is she thinking, why is she not calling back, is she getting a divorce, why why why will she not call me back.

 

We are attending marriage counseling but the counselor is more worried about our own personal happiness than saving the marriage. She often says "Heather, you have to decide what you want to do and if you want to stay in this marriage". Instead of saying this I think she should say "Heather, you need to decide what you need in order to get your marriage back on track". The way I look at it is we are married and when you are married you stayed married unless there is some kind of abuse and you are in harm. If you have the option of divorce and leaving then there are times in your marriage when you will pick that route because it is "easier" than staying and toughing everything out. If every married couple got a divorce or seperated when they didnt think they wanted to be married anymore or doubted their love for their spouse then I dont know of any marriages that would make it. I should have picked a christian counselor who would have been more forceful about no divorce.

 

I have two goals right now.

 

The ultimate goal is to get my wife back so I can show her that she is the most important thing in the world to me.

 

I need to be able to deal with her leaving and live a somewhat normal life until she gets back, if she does.

 

I dont know how to do this. She is always on my mind, rethinking conversations, thinking about future conversations, thinking how to get her back, what can i do, wondering what she is thinking, etc etc. I cant concentrate at work, i cant sleep because my mind wont slow down, i cant eat because i always having the feeling like i am going to be sick... I just dont know how to handle this.

 

Maybe someone out has been in my same situation and can give me some ideas?

 

The fear of her not giving me another chance is the main thing that is driving me crazy...

 

Thanks for listening,

Luke

[Arabess]

Luke,

 

I think you should send her a copy of your post. It is very beautiful and states exactly how you feel. Once she has had a chance to read it and think about it......then you should get a reply from her one way or the other. Sometimes a change of heart or the way you handled the probems in your marriage can fix it. Sometimes it doesn't. There is never any guarantee. The problem with 'hindsight' is that it means absolutely nothing.

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this. Keep posting so you don't feel all alone while you wait for her response.

 

Arabess

[moimeme]

Luke

 

I agree with Arabess. It might work to send the post to her.

 

I wish to heavens that men would 'get it' long before they have destroyed their women's love for them. Love will die of neglect. There comes a point where it can no longer be revived. Unfortunately, an awful lot of people only 'get it' when the love is dead.

 

Fergawdsakes, men, teach this to your sons!!!!!! Copy his post and include it in your wedding gift to every male. Warn your brothers and friends - if you want to ruin your own life, this is one of the best ways to go about it.

 

Good luck, Luke.

[ROSEBUD]

DID IT TAKE YOUR WIFE LEAVING YOU FOR YOU TO ACTUALLY WAKE UP AND REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THINGS WERE TO HER? MY HUSBAND AND I ARE HAVING THE EXACT SAME PROBLEM BUT I HAVEN'T LEFT YET. WE HAVE SMALL KIDS AND I AM COMMITTED TO OUR MARRIAGE. EVEN IF I HAVE TO FEEL UNLOVED FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES I STAND BY THE COMMITTMENT TO MY HUSBAND. IT'S JUST VERY PAINFUL. I FEEL LIKE MY INSIDES ARE DYING. KEEP ME POSTED. I HOPE YOU CAN WORK IT OUT

 

ROSEBUD

[camaro2727]

In some ways, this is catharsis for me, in other ways, it is support for Luke and advice for the lady who feels like she is "dying inside." Okay, first, very similar situation Luke. My wife thinks she might want to be single again. We are both 26, dated 6 years, best friends before that for 2 and the "perfect couple." Now, in the last six months she has been heavily fliritng with other men behind my back, pulling away from close friends for new sinlge ones, having problems at work, and even kissed another guy on a trip. She told me two weeks ago she needs space. It was miserable, I avoided her, I tried to rationalize. I have been a good husband. I thought that her going out was good beause it was what she enjoyed. Little did I know that the more guys paid attention to her in the bars, the more she felt like I didn't pay her enough attention. And, like you Luke, after reading every single thing on relaitonships I can find, I realize I wasn;t paying her enough attention. She says she doesn't know if she wants to work it out. We went to couseling once, the counselor told us it would not be worth it unless we both wanted to try. We are both in individual theoropy, which to me seems totally inadequate, but it helps some. It just doesn't help get my marrtiage back. I left one week ago, and we have our first date tonight since then. Like you Luke, I have no idea what would be best. Should I be rmoonatic and special, or try to win her back, or just casual and friendly. I don't know. My counselor said that it really won't matter, because the other factors in her life are what she is dwelling on. Luke, I am twisted and turned and NEVER saw this coming. I can barely get through the days. All I think about is her and the fact that I may not be able to have a life with her. I know I can show her that I can give her the attention she desires, but that just may not be an option. I had the same theory of marriage you do, only abuse or neglect should end it. However, some people don't see it that way, which is so painful. We can't give up hope yet, buddy. I support you and want to hear how you are doing. I have no idea how to get through this, but I sure as hell don't want to do it alone.

 

This leads to me to the advice for the "dying inside" women. SIT DOWN AND TELL YOUR DAMN HUSBAND EXCACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!! Don't mince words, don't think he'll get the signs, don't feel as though he should get the signs. He shouldn't get them. You have to tell him. If you don't, you and only you are to blame. Sure, it would be great if he suddenly tapped into your mind and got all the pieces he needed, but it will never happen. Tell him or you must shoulder the responibility for it not working out. He cannot fix what he doesn't even know is broken and expecting him to is absolutely wrong. Find a way to talk to him. He will not get it at first either. He will feel as though you are blaming him. That's normal. However, you need to also reassure him that there are good things, but the bad things need fixing NOW. Give him time to process it, then reapproach and find out what can be done. Step up. Quite feeling sorry because your husband is not a mind reader and face the facts that if you need change, you have to ask for it. All other ideas are delusional. Sorry this seems harsh, but I can't believe my wife felt as she did, never told me, and now wants out because she has convinced herself I didn't care. I didn't even know. I thought things were pretty good. Only 1.5 years of marriage, I knew we had hills to climb, but not anything that meant the end. Her not telling me will never leave my mind.

 

Luke, realize she should have told you. Yes, we saw signs, but we cannot do the impossible. We need to hear what we need to fix first.

 

Keep me posted Luke. I'll update on the date later.

 

Camaro

[ROSEBUD]

Thanks for the advice. It is really nice to get a man's perspective. I do have a few more questions. I know you are not my husband, but maybe just hearing thoughts from a man might help me to rationalize his side of things and help me be more patient with him.

 

First of all I have talked to my husband about the way I feel. Many times. I don't think he understands how serious my requests are about needing to feel loved, appreciated etc. In fact 2 nights ago we were up having this same argument again and I told him that I would give him until the first of January to decide if he really wants to put the effort into making our marriage work. What I wonder is if he will ever understand how important this is if I don't do something drastic to get his attention. What do you think?

 

Rosebud

[VivianLee]

I wish to heavens that men would 'get it' long before they have destroyed their women's love for them. Love will die of neglect. There comes a point where it can no longer be revived. Unfortunately, an awful lot of people only 'get it' when the love is dead.

 

That is so true so well put!!

[camaro2727]

Rosebud, I feel for you. However, my first question is have you asked to attend couseling. This may be a place where a nuetral party can help the communication process and help him hear your needs.

 

More importantly, the problem with the communcation is as much yours issue as it is his. I am not trying to take sides, but I am on the other side and have gotten hit in the face when I never saw it coming. Yes, I do think your husband can act without drastic action. If you feel he is not hearing you, perhaps your method/mode of communication is insufficent. During an arguement, my wife would say things like "I need a new husband." AS painful and hurtful as it was, I never thought she really meant it. Why? Because in an arguement tempers and emotions are high, and things are said in order to hurt. There can be very little real issues addressed in an arguement. I thought that after she calmed down, she would think about what she had said and feel bad about it, and I am sure she did. The point is, in an arguement, a man becomes defensive. He feels you are blaming him for what he is missing. He feels inadequate and thinks that you are out to get him. In some ways, he may be, but you cannot get this across to him when he is trying to defend himself. He thinks he is doing okay. You have to show him he is not. Leaving is not the best choice. Altimatums are childish, as are men, and he will push to see if you are serious. Then, if you leave, the problems are compounded by 100%. Try a reverse approach. It works with men and women. My wife told me she needed space and said terrible hurtful things as I tried to tell her things could change, we could work it out, etc... None of it made a differece. Then, when I finally realized that I was almost in a emotionally abusive situation myself. I said I was leaving because home was not a happy place and I needed to reassess if I was happy. She never expected this and it really made her think about whether she wanted me to leave. But because I was firm and confident, rather than wishy washy and defensive, she did not know how to react and I think this was the only success we have had since she admitted to wanting to separate. Try this with your husband. Appreciate him, give him attention that you wnat (a back massage, dinner, ect...) Then, when you are connected, share with him what is going on. DO NOT TELL HIM THAT HE NEEDS TO CHANGE OR ELSE... Simply state how YOU are feeling, what YOU need, how you know he can give it to you and you are willing to find a way to help him help you. Leaving is sooooo painful. It has forever chnaged me, and I am telling you if you can avoid it now, you have to take the responibility to do so. I recommend reading a few chapters on how to get your points acorss to men from Men are from Mars... I never thought a book like that would be anything I could put stock in, but it is so true and it will help you find ways to get things through to your husband. Also realize that nothing serious is ever changed in one day or one discussion. It will take time and effort. But please, don't let your marriage die if you don't want it to. You have the power to change it, don't assume your husband will.

 

AS for the quote above, nothing could be farther from the truth or less helpful. Surely, men miss the signs. However, women shouldn't give signs, they shouls reassuringly say what they need and show them what they need. As a teacher, I know that simply telling a student how to do something is rarely successful, but modeling it for them truly teaches them what they need to do. I did not let my marriage die, I was never informed it was dying. The things I saw were isuues I tried to address, but I never understood the magnitude of my wife's feelings because she masked them in anger and rage. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get things back on track, but I need to know what she wants. Even now, she hasn't clearly identified what she needs, partly because she doesn't know herself. The Greeks say "Know Thyself." IF you don't, get counseling to find out, because you cannot expect someone esle to know what you want or need if you don't know yourself or can't communicate it to them. Men not decoding the signs are not the problem, the problem is women expecting men to figure it out for themselves. I don't know rocket science, and if someone put a rocket sceince question in front of me, I would not even know where to start, thus I wouldn't do it. The same is with your husbands. He has no idea what the scope of the problem is, he just knows there is a problem. He has no tools to try and ehlp because he does not get it. You must be the one to communicate what he should get, in a non blaming, non confrontational way.

 

As for me, my date was great last night with my wife. She still has no idea what she wants, but we are seeing each other again tonight. I am trying to pay her as much attention as she will allow. She is the most beuatiful, dynamic, and challeneing person in my life, and that is why I married her. I love her so much, but until she can find out what she wants / needs, I can only control my own actions. I hope that she finds a way to tell me what she needs. When she does, I will be waiting and ready to helpredefine or relationship.

 

Hope this helps. An update from Luke anytime would be intersting. I am here for you man.

[adamsb]

Luke, you post is so the post of many of us here. Although I was not married, the same situation has occured with my girlfriend of 3.5 years. She suddenly dumped me, her family, close friends, her job, etc to only hang out with a new group of friends. I thought I was the perfect provider - I put her through school, worked hard to bring home the bacon, did everything with her. I gave up all my friends. Then she tells me I've been horrible and that she fell out of love with me over two years ago. She never ever communicated this to me and I guess she's been living a lie for 2 years. Now she is still living here but these new friends are all she cares about. She says she loves me like a brother only. I have the same feelings you do when she is not here always wondering about her - where is she? The roads are snowy , is she ok? Why did she do this to me. I blame myself. I'm a mess and its been like this for two months. We all get this way I guess.

[bigwilly2301]

To Luke and all of the rest of the guys reading this with a simillar experiance I truly feel for you my wife left me 1.5 years ago we seperated at first but I knew something was wrong she was pulling away. I wasn't an exceptional husband but I was loving, kind and always a good provider during this difficult situation I had to pull 150 percent for our business or I was going to lose that now at 23 I feel as though I've lost the love of my life I still hurt and think about her at least once a day . I have now lost my wife, business, house and my vehicles. The good news if any is that the pain does subside it took me 6 months to be able to look at a picture of my wife without breaking down. Be strong I have no advice on how to get her back I couldn't get my wife to even talk to me. Look to Jesus He will help you through your struggles read these:Psalm 37,Matthew 19:4-6 Good luck and God Bless neverblame yourself marriage is a commitment and if both people don't try it will never work.

[horace]

Luke and others,

 

My wife left me five days ago and at this point I can't even guess when I'm going to pass the freakout phase.

 

Sadly, I don't know if there is anything you can do. I've asked the people I know who I think God likes a lot to say a prayer for us.

 

The echoes from her of 'dying inside' and 'dead love' still make me want to cry.

 

I'm 28, we've been together for 7 and a half years and married for five. I've seen all my dreams just disintigrate.

 

The Fates can be a harsh bunch. Some of us just don't have the dream life in the cards for us.

 

Good Luck to anyone needing it.

[starolfgaladriel]

I am struggling with my husband about him "not getting it" so to speak. We had our most heartfelt conversation of five years just last night as he is six hours away on a business trip. He left on Thursday and will be back on Sunday.

 

I have a well-developed sense of intuition from years of working as a nurse and have sensed something wasn't right , off and on, in the last three months. It waxes and wanes and frankly it scares me when things feel bad but my husband denies anything is wrong or is on his mind or whatever. His change of habits since the death of my mother in September have also made things harder to deal with as did my depression following her death as a result of a horrendous fire at her home.

 

My husband is someone I would willingly describe as the light of my life until the fall. Since the middle of November, as far as I know, he went a tad crazy (my opinion). He got two credit cards behind my back and used them both. He was picking fights to be able to go out at night to his friend's house or to hang out with a newer friend at a local bar (says he's not drinking, maybe not) or to go play with RC cars. He says that the fact that I was questioning his behavior changes and such made him decide to "teach me a lesson" and so he signed up for an internet dating service and emailed one girl. The picture he posted on the site was scary - he was practically baring his teeth at the camera - so maybe that's true. He got totally smashed which is highly unusual and I had to call the cops to keep him safely in the house since his plan was to wander the streets in a light jacket drunk in minus twenty degree weather. Never in our relationship did any of this sort of thing happen before.

 

I describe it to him as a married man acting like he's a single man. If I wanted to be with a single man with a single man's habits I wouldn't have married him!

 

He did stupid things like shopping before Christmas til 6 a.m. at Meijers and fell asleep on my brother's couch another night and didn't come home. Noone bothered to let me know. Lately I thought things were ok but then to find out last minute that the business trip he is on is being taken with the boss's daughter (who is the dispatcher) really frosted me. He told me and perpetuated the lie that an older man from the company was going on the trip too. Lied to me on purpose and told a ton of mini lies to keep the big lie going! My brother works for the same company and found out that I didn't know the gal was the only other one going so he called my husband and told him to come clean or he would tell me himself. So, he told me and it made a big stink that his boss didn't appreciate and he went anyways.

 

My husband has a habit of telling stupid small lies (to minimise his overspending for example) and since Mom died they have become bigger and bigger. Now he is sitting in Ohio, after I went to his job and confronted him before his trip, saying he has to get his crap together and stop lying to me but that if I hadn't found this out it would have been easier and easier to keep on lying. He told me a lot of things that sound hopeful but I am at the end of my rope as far as knowing what to believe and what not to.

 

I told him when he left for the trip that if he chooses to continue lying that we are through. He has been thinking about what he has been doing and sounds contrite but at this point I don't know what to believe. I haven't told him he has to change FOR me but he has to make changes if he wants to BE WITH me. I really feel like the fact that he went on the trip after he knew how upset I was with the LIE was him choosing his job over me. He doesn't think this is so.

 

He has been thinking that everything is okay. That any of our troubles are a phase we are passing through and that great things lie ahead. He will tell me to my face that he loves me and follow it up with mundane silence and sleeping in the armchair many nights and many times just has nothing to say. Now he told me, after our talk last night, that he understands why I feel betrayed. He is at a seminar to improve communications and its about salesmanship. I guess the teacher is promoting "reflection" as a communication technique. Also the concept of "active listening." When emotions get going he likes to think I say "mean things" because I am angry. Sometimes I do but I know that many times when we argue I tell him that I would take it as a courtesy to be believed, period! He has allowed his bad temper, which I never met until the fall, to rule his mouth too at times.

 

I am an articulate person, despite the ramblings in this post, and have told him exactly what I want for us and when things go wrong I do my best to be specific about what needs to be different. He is pretty selfish in a lot of ways and I don't have the tolerance for the bull that I had as a younger woman in my first marriage which became quite abusive.

 

Anyways, I would appreciate some input on what it might take to get us back on track or comments to why anyone might think its a dumb idea. He says he wants me in his life and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and then he acts like he is trapped. Do you think it is a crock? Trouble is he has lied so much it is what plagues my mind. I feel insecure and unsure of us. I don't know how long he would have to be truthful for me to believe in him again.

 

We have been together over five years, married almost 3 of them and I am twelve years older than him, for perspective.

 

Thanks for letting me rant,

Sherry

[zoey11]

Wow. I have learned from these posts. I wrote the one about 20 years of marriage in trouble.

As I was reading the gentleman's post about how he didn't realize he was not giving his wife what she was asking for, it hit home.

I am on the receiving end now, and would like to privately email or post here either way with a man who has been on either side of this dilema. I don't have any male friends to confide in.

Some of the things I want to know is, did you wife come out and say things that she wanted, such as I have to mine like I want you to kiss me, talk to me alone about us, suprise me with a candlelit dinner, or a weekend trip somewhere ect.

I have told my husband point blank that his moving away during the week to work and only being home is killing our marriage, he is not here for our 16 year old daughter, and how wrong it is in my mind. He is destroying what we put 20 years into.

While he is on his midlife new life, only having to deal with kid issues and me one and half days a week, he expects me to work, do all the housework and be happy with a simple kiss on the cheek and a dinner out once a week? He treats me like a sister.

When I tell him that I cannot go on living this way with no effort from him in trying to show me he loves me, he stares at the ground and says he will always love me. He also has in the past, said he loved me for what we had and as the mother of his children. We do not make love, and only four times last year.

Time and time again over the past year, I have tried to show him wifely affection, he pushed away and says don't. My heart has been broken so many times that I can't count.

But if I start to pack to leave, he begs me to stay and says "they" (he and the kids need me).

Not he needs me, but "we". Of course I would never leave my kids. But there is no effort beign made, even though I have three times told him without it, I would have to leave.

Does this mean I should finally just do it? Do you think he is just confused in his admitted midlife thing? Do you think my leaving would end it for sure or possibly he would miss me? He always says I am his best friend. Duh? That's what we are supposed to be, but also there should be the love factor there too.

I am just so hurt and confused that I have been crying for a year on a weekly basis. I have to know one way or the other and have told him that. He can't give me an answer.

By the way, this was sudden, after a deep depression on his part. I don't think it is fair to "not know for sure" for this long. Any input is appreciated.

[Helemai]

I can confirm that ignoring your relationship will result in its ultimate death. I was married for almost 15 years and my divorce will be final this month. Through neglect on both my part and that of my ex's, our marriage did not survive. Somehow he became absorbed in his work and I was involved with raising our children, working and volunteering. We forget about each other and lived separate lives in one house and one day it dawned on me that I didn't love him anymore. I went to counselling, we went to counselling together, but it had been too long and I just couldn't find that spark anymore. I do not blame him anymore than I do myself. I should have spoken up and he should have paid more attention. I won't say the divorce was amicable, but I'm happy with my life at the moment and I am involved with a new man. My advise...remember to keep dating. My best friend and her husband go out a couple of times each week for coffee or breakfast and I think its taking the time to be together and stay connected that will make a marriage last. Just my 2 cents

[MutualBlue]

Wow - It's amazing that it takes a train wreck to get people to change. I think that we can all learn from experience that loving someone and hoping and wishing that you will get the attention you need is fruitless.

 

Communication is the Key. Communication has two distinctly seperate areas of responsibility. The first is obvious - to communicate to your loved one that your needs are not being met and you are unhappy. The second though is far less obvious - to ensure that the person who is on the receiving end of your communication understands the importance of your needs being met. This is a hard thing to know. Also its hard to convey to men without coming off as being nagging what it is exactly that you need to feel love. I think the best thing is to present it like a win win situation. You have to explain to them that if you feel good about the relationship you will gladly do the things they love to do and really are in it for - however explain to them that you become unmotivated to do those loving things when you are not receiving anything back.

 

Love is a circle - not a one way street.