Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 She told me today that she wants a chance to talk to or email my xOW. I told her that I did not think that would be productive and she thought I was being unfair. She felt that I was protecting the xOW...which in a sense I am. Did any BS's in here talk to the OW/OMs after the A was over. Did it help with anything? Link to post Share on other sites
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Why does she need to talk to her, again? It sounds like trouble to me. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I know my sister who was the former OW was called up on several occasions by the BS. They were both pissed off at the MM/WS so they had a lot to talk about! I have heard of other OW who were crushed by D-day yet still connected emotionally with their MM more or less just respond "talk to your husband about it". Do you feel you could hand out contact information to your ex OW without asking for her permission? In that case that would mean breaking NC, and I don't think you want that, do you? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Personally, I wouldn't allow it. I don't see one good thing that can come from it. Of course, now your W is manipulating this to say that you are protecting your ex OW, and making it seem like you're taking her side. The person your W should have issue with is you, and not your former OW. Does she know who your ex-OW is? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 so do you want to continue to hide small bits of truth from your W or do you want to heal the M? if you don't allow them communication she will view this as you protecting OW. either you agree to her having the ability to know anything she wants - or it's never going to begin to heal. COMPLETE transparency - does not equal partial information or even half truths. if you value the M - give her anything she wants. the more honest you are - the more healing is accomplished. no matter how painful it is to your W - it hurts a lot more to wonder if there are more lies and cover up that you don't know about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Why does she need to talk to her, again? It sounds like trouble to me. They never talked. I admitted the A after it was over. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Yes, I spoke with the OW after my H had an affair. It was because H ended it with 'it's over' and that was that. I never blamed the OW, my H owed me, she didn't. Mind you, I do feel she was complicit in the A. I needed answers before I decided what to do next, we were very civil. I was not friendly, but civil to her credit she told me the truth and it echoed what H had told me and what I knew. I felt H owed her closure, he wouldn't she phoned me a few times shouting that I wouldn't let him speak with her - truth was he didn't want to and was relieved it was over. It helped me to hear what she had to say and to realise that she was hurt too. H has never said I shouldn't speak with her, if he did I would be suspicious he had something to hide. After the first few days we just got on with rebuilding our marriage and because I knew I had the truth I didn't feel the need to speak with her again. If your wife feels the need to contact OW she will find a way to, no matter what you say. I have been amazed by how easy it is to track someone down through reading forums. I used to write letters to OW by the score but never sent them. Your wife will be angry and want answers, if she feels you are truthful and foccusing on your marriage and not protecting OW (even if you are) the need to contact will lessen. I just never get bashing the OW. How long has she known? Are you totally NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Do you feel you could hand out contact information to your ex OW without asking for her permission? In that case that would mean breaking NC, and I don't think you want that, do you? If they were going to have contact I would give my xOW my wife's contact info and tell her my wife would like to communicate...but no, I wouldn't just give out her info....and no I don't want to break NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Does she know who your ex-OW is? Not a clue. My xOW lives in another state...so they would never run into each other either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 so do you want to continue to hide small bits of truth from your W or do you want to heal the M? if you don't allow them communication she will view this as you protecting OW. either you agree to her having the ability to know anything she wants - or it's never going to begin to heal. COMPLETE transparency - does not equal partial information or even half truths. if you value the M - give her anything she wants. the more honest you are - the more healing is accomplished. no matter how painful it is to your W - it hurts a lot more to wonder if there are more lies and cover up that you don't know about. I have answered every question with honesty. I just don't see how this will help. Link to post Share on other sites
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 They never talked. I admitted the A after it was over. Sorry, I worded that incorrectly my grammar sux too... I meant what was her reasoning for contacting the OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 How long has she known? Are you totally NC? I confessed the A on Friday. It ended over three months ago...and I have been totally NC for over 30 days. My xOW and I closed every door. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Sorry, I worded that incorrectly my grammar sux too... I meant what was her reasoning for contacting the OW? She just said that there were some things she would like to say and some questions she had...she wouldn't specify. I wonder if it was a test just to see how I would react. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 She just said that there were some things she would like to say and some questions she had...she wouldn't specify. I wonder if it was a test just to see how I would react. Could you explain the concept of NC and that your W as an extension of you would be breaking this NC with OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 NOOOO .. don't let her ... it wouldn't do any good.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Could you explain the concept of NC and that your W as an extension of you would be breaking this NC with OW? I could. But honestly I just don't think it would do any good. That, and I don't want to throw my xOW under the bus. I don't thik this signifies that I am choosing her over my W....just that as another person that has been respectful in NC...I do not want to just throw her to the wolves. My xOW never gave her husband my contact info...granted she divorced him and he never knew about me...but I can't see her doing this. She has always respected every boundary we set. I hope my W can see past this. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 DI I spoke to my H FOW several times after dday. It was always.....cordial. I did it because I needed to. I didn't rail or argue. (You are in a unique position because my H never had a choice about what I did and I didn't ask his permission.) But for me, I needed to make myself real to her and I needed to take her out of my steriotypical notions of what the OW must be like. It helped me tremendously in ultimately healing my marriage. I know this is hard for you because you do have real feelings for OW but you can't protect her if you want to save your marriage. Let your wife do what she needs to do at this point and make an agreement with her that after this conversation she will not seek further contact with OW. Do you think if you withhold the OW contact info your wife will just get over wanting to have the conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 NOOOO .. don't let her ... it wouldn't do any good.. I agree. It will just open a door you already closed. She can talk to you, there is no reason getting the OW involved again. She probably wants to beat her a** and than turn around and harass you with stuff she learned from the OW. If she wants to get passed it than you guys need to keep the OW out of it, otherwise you'll hear about it for the rest of your life or however long it takes your W to get over it. I only say that because if I was her I would probably do the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 I could. But honestly I just don't think it would do any good. That, and I don't want to throw my xOW under the bus. I don't thik this signifies that I am choosing her over my W....just that as another person that has been respectful in NC...I do not want to just throw her to the wolves. My xOW never gave her husband my contact info...granted she divorced him and he never knew about me...but I can't see her doing this. She has always respected every boundary we set. I hope my W can see past this. Explain NC to your wife. Explain what breaking NC means. OW divorced, there was no need for her to give your contact to her H because she was not trying to rebuild trust in a marraige. You are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 DI I know this is hard for you because you do have real feelings for OW but you can't protect her if you want to save your marriage. Let your wife do what she needs to do at this point and make an agreement with her that after this conversation she will not seek further contact with OW. Do you think if you withhold the OW contact info your wife will just get over wanting to have the conversation? I don't know if my W will just get over it. You're right, i do have feelings for my xOW...I care about her....I lover her...but I also am done with her. I have concerns that an exchange between the two women could result in hurt feelings by all. My xOW has a tendency to lash out in anger when she feels threatened. My W is fairly skillful in being diplomatic..but this is an emotionally charged issue. Maybe I can ask a question or draft a letter to my xOW in the presence of my wife and send it to my xOW. This would be breaking NC, but then it would allow my xOW the option of replying...and perhaps from a non emotional standpoint. I don't know! Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 What I meant was that if your wife understood that NC is in the best interest of your marriage, she might respect that NC is her best choice as well. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 There is just one thing you and anyone else who is dealing with an A have to realize. You, the person who committed the A and have come clean, whatever the BS needs to heal is up to them, not the person who did the cheating. As long it isn't abusive to you or going to hurt anyone physically, then whatever she needs, no matter what you think would help her. I understand your situation has taken some unexpected turns, but unless you are talking about what you need to heal from her infidelities, you have no say so in how she chooses to heal from yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 What I meant was that if your wife understood that NC is in the best interest of your marriage, she might respect that NC is her best choice as well. That makes sense. I just don't want to throw salt in anybody's wounds. I really have been honest with my W...painfully so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted September 8, 2009 Author Share Posted September 8, 2009 There is just one thing you and anyone else who is dealing with an A have to realize. You, the person who committed the A and have come clean, whatever the BS needs to heal is up to them, not the person who did the cheating. As long it isn't abusive to you or going to hurt anyone physically, then whatever she needs, no matter what you think would help her. I understand your situation has taken some unexpected turns, but unless you are talking about what you need to heal from her infidelities, you have no say so in how she chooses to heal from yours. I'm not saying she is wrong for wanting to talk to her...or that I don't understand...just that this is an act that effects three people...not just us two. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 8, 2009 Share Posted September 8, 2009 That makes sense. I just don't want to throw salt in anybody's wounds. I really have been honest with my W...painfully so. If nothing else you could use it as an argument to justify your position. You have been honest, that is all that is required of you now. You should not be asked to go beyond what you feel is proper. Link to post Share on other sites
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