My W wants to communicate with my xOW now that it is over.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't know if my W will just get over it.

 

You're right, i do have feelings for my xOW...I care about her....I lover her...but I also am done with her. I have concerns that an exchange between the two women could result in hurt feelings by all.

 

My xOW has a tendency to lash out in anger when she feels threatened. My W is fairly skillful in being diplomatic..but this is an emotionally charged issue.

 

Maybe I can ask a question or draft a letter to my xOW in the presence of my wife and send it to my xOW. This would be breaking NC, but then it would allow my xOW the option of replying...and perhaps from a non emotional standpoint.

 

I don't know!

 

You are afraid OW will say something or reveal something to your W deliberately to hurt her?

 

I think you need to talk to your wife. Explain your concerns. Tell her about this tendency of OW to lash out when she feels cornered.

 

Are you guys going to MC? Maybe you can talk you W into waiting until you get advise from MC before she talks to OW.

 

For me talking to H FOW wasn't a disaster. In fact, in the long run it helped. I will tell you this, there is nothing that would have stopped me from talking to her once I decided I wanted to.

[Devil Inside]

You are afraid OW will say something or reveal something to your W deliberately to hurt her?

 

I think you need to talk to your wife. Explain your concerns. Tell her about this tendency of OW to lash out when she feels cornered.

 

Are you guys going to MC? Maybe you can talk you W into waiting until you get advise from MC before she talks to OW.

 

For me talking to H FOW wasn't a disaster. In fact, in the long run it helped. I will tell you this, there is nothing that would have stopped me from talking to her once I decided I wanted to.

 

I have an initial appointment with an IC who is also a MC on Thursday. After that I want her to come with me. this sounds like an excellent topic to discuss there.

[EsmerKiss7]

There is just one thing you and anyone else who is dealing with an A have to realize. You, the person who committed the A and have come clean, whatever the BS needs to heal is up to them, not the person who did the cheating. As long it isn't abusive to you or going to hurt anyone physically, then whatever she needs, no matter what you think would help her. I understand your situation has taken some unexpected turns, but unless you are talking about what you need to heal from her infidelities, you have no say so in how she chooses to heal from yours.

 

That is true but I disagree with this, her problem is with her H not the OW. The OW has already repsected the boundaries with this guy and their thru. Leave it at that, or sorry bud, but leave him. She needs to deal with it from there, because there is no point in talking to the OW, nothing will change what has happened.

 

Btw, I was in a situation similar to this I was not the OW but the wife thought I was and called me, asking me all kinds of questions I had no answer to. She still didn't believe me or her H, it didn't amount to anything, just made a lot of people angry.

[whichwayisup]

She felt that I was protecting the xOW...which in a sense I am.

 

What are you protecting your exOW for? Or are you really protecting yourself.. Worried that the exOW might tell your wife something that she doesn't know yet?

 

If she feels the need to do this, then support her decision. Anything less than that is going to make it seem like you've got something to hide. Plus, this is another step in HER recovery, for her to trust you again.

[PhoenixRise]

At the end of the day DI

 

You put yourself in a position where 2 women were expecting you to look after their best interest. In an affair situation this is impossible.

 

Your wife will, I think correctly, see your refusal to allow the communication as you chosing your OW best interest over hers.

[whichwayisup]

just that this is an act that effects three people...not just us two.

 

So her talking to the exOW affects all three of you, quite innocent compared to what you and exOW did. Sorry to be harsh/blunt, but neither of you two thought of your wife during the affair.. Her wanting to talk to the OW, which she has every right to do, is nothing.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm not saying she is wrong for wanting to talk to her...or that I don't understand...just that this is an act that effects three people...not just us two.

 

 

So did the A, no one consulted her did they? Nor she you. It has always been more than 2 people involved and it stopped no one from doing what they wanted. So why try to stop her from doing what she wants? Seems kind of like still putting your and ow feelings in front of hers.

 

I did contact ow. I knew who she was. I contacted her spouse. After I said my peace I was finished, ow was not...an entirely different story. But Mr. Messy had absolutely no say so about how I chose to heal, neither did ow. She could have chosen not to speak with me, but not the choice and certainly not the initial contact.

[PhoenixRise]

That is true but I disagree with this, her problem is with her H not the OW. The OW has already repsected the boundaries with this guy and their thru. Leave it at that, or sorry bud, but leave him. She needs to deal with it from there, because there is no point in talking to the OW, nothing will change what has happened.

 

Btw, I was in a situation similar to this I was not the OW but the wife thought I was and called me, asking me all kinds of questions I had no answer to. She still didn't believe me or her H, it didn't amount to anything, just made a lot of people angry.

 

 

This is a topic that goes round and round here...but I will say that OW participated in DI's W marriage. The wife didn't know but OW was there and her presence affected the marriage. OW was a partner in the deception.

 

Seriously? OW can be a player in the M as long as the W doesn't know but once the W does know OW should be treated as just a bystander to a horrible accident? No.

[bentnotbroken]

So her talking to the exOW affects all three of you, quite innocent compared to what you and exOW did. Sorry to be harsh/blunt, but neither of you two thought of your wife during the affair.. Her wanting to talk to the OW, which she has every right to do, is nothing.

 

 

We had the same thought. I don't understand someone saying what another needs to heal. I really don't.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a topic that goes round and round here...but I will say that OW participated in DI's W marriage. The wife didn't know but OW was there and her presence affected the marriage. OW was a partner in the deception.

 

Seriously? OW can be a player in the M as long as the W doesn't know but once the W does know OW should be treated as just a bystander to a horrible accident? No.

 

 

Who needs to be protected from her own actions...not.

[seren]

Colorado you said:

 

I'm not saying she is wrong for wanting to talk to her...or that I don't understand...just that this is an act that effects three people...not just us two.

 

As a former BS, and not wanting to state the bleeding obvious, but - the A was always about the three of you and that is what your W wants/needs to know about. True rebuilding your marriage is about you and your wife, but it's the trying to put all of the picture together and make sense of it that drives most (well OK was me) BS crazy. The knowing that what we thought was our life during the A, wasn't what we thought it was. So, and it's early days for you both, the putting together all the bits and getting the truth helps to see it for what it was and where we fitted in.

 

Saying all that, on reflection there were times I wanted and needed to look her in the face and try to understand why and what it was about her that H risked all for. It's the not knowing, the grey areas that drive you crazy. As someone said, NC is just that, for both of you. I used to tell H I was going to speak with OW if I thought there was something that wasn't adding up, even thought he told the truth (and it hurt) it just never seemed important enough to blow my world apart and so I wanted to know and understand. It's a tough one, does your wife have support from somewhere? SI site has loads of stuff on NC and she would be advised by most there not to contact OW.

[jennie-jennie]

Writing an email to OW in your wife's presence seems like an option to me, if you decide to grant your wife's wish.

 

(But I would be cautious, because if I was in your position, I would know that every contact with my ex affair partner would satisfy some kind of desire within me. A desire I would not want to fuel if I had decided to stay in my marriage.)

[bentnotbroken]

That is true but I disagree with this, her problem is with her H not the OW. The OW has already repsected the boundaries with this guy and their thru. Leave it at that, or sorry bud, but leave him. She needs to deal with it from there, because there is no point in talking to the OW, nothing will change what has happened.

 

Btw, I was in a situation similar to this I was not the OW but the wife thought I was and called me, asking me all kinds of questions I had no answer to. She still didn't believe me or her H, it didn't amount to anything, just made a lot of people angry.

 

 

You can disagree, that's what boards are for. But as a FBS my beef was with everyone who decided to screw with my life without my permission. I would suspect a number of BS feel the same way. I don't mind confrontation, never have and the feelings of someone else being pissed of and angry, oh well, by product of stepping into my life.

[EsmerKiss7]

This is a topic that goes round and round here...but I will say that OW participated in DI's W marriage. The wife didn't know but OW was there and her presence affected the marriage. OW was a partner in the deception.

 

Seriously? OW can be a player in the M as long as the W doesn't know but once the W does know OW should be treated as just a bystander to a horrible accident? No.

 

I'm just saying that it was her H's decision to seek the OW, she needs to take it up with him since -yup- it is their relationship. She is just trying to look to blame someone else instead of working it out with H. Their relationship has nothing to do with outside people. Yea outside people may get involved every now and again but ultimately it lies with them to solve their problems.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I understand where she's coming from, i'd want vengeance too, but the question was should she talk to her - Nay. Bad idea.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm just saying that it was her H's decision to seek the OW, she needs to take it up with him since -yup- it is their relationship. She is just trying to look to blame someone else instead of working it out with H. Their relationship has nothing to do with outside people. Yea outside people may get involved every now and again but ultimately it lies with them to solve their problems.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I understand where she's coming from, i'd want vengeance too, but the question was should she talk to her - Nay. Bad idea.

 

 

Who said anything about vengance? Who said anything about looking to blame someone else?

 

DI said his w wanted a conversation.

 

 

I can tell you that I blamed my H for his affair. AND I still spoke to the OW several times.

[jennie-jennie]

I'm just saying that it was her H's decision to seek the OW, she needs to take it up with him since -yup- it is their relationship. She is just trying to look to blame someone else instead of working it out with H. Their relationship has nothing to do with outside people. Yea outside people may get involved every now and again but ultimately it lies with them to solve their problems.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I understand where she's coming from, i'd want vengeance too, but the question was should she talk to her - Nay. Bad idea.

 

Yes, why invite OW back into their marriage again? The door is closed. Keep it that way.

[bentnotbroken]

Who said anything about vengance? Who said anything about looking to blame someone else?

 

DI said his w wanted a conversation.

 

 

I can tell you that I blamed my H for his affair. AND I still spoke to the OW several times.

 

 

Exactly. If I wanted vengeance it would have been on Mr. Messy. I wanted her version of the lies.

[Lizzie60]

I disagree with the poster(s) who said that the W needs to do what she needs to do to heal.. that's IMO bull... she might say that she needs to talk to the OW for her closure.. but she can also want to talk to OW just for being nosey.. and/or to be 'mean' to the OW or simply to get some amunition against DI.

 

'Let your wife do what she needs to do at this point and make an agreement with her that after this conversation she will not seek further contact with OW. '

 

DI.. what guarantee do you have that your W will leave her alone after this one conversation.. What if she wants revenge and she wants to destroy the OW's family.. Who knows how the OW will react and put fuel on this already very sensitive issue..

 

You might regret this more than your A... tell your wife that as much as she needs closure on this.. you need a much bigger closure.. which is absolutely NC whatsoever.. end of story..

[Lizzie60]

and I should add that one W contacted me after we got caught together... and she kept calling me... she kinda got obsessed with me.. I had to tell her at one point to leave me alone.. :rolleyes:

 

I even felt that she wanted to get closer to me.. like a 'friend' or something.. it was weird..

[EsmerKiss7]

Did her version effect your decision about working it out or not? Did it really change anything?

[2sunny]

 

I have answered every question with honesty. I just don't see how this will help.

 

this is not for you to decide - it's your wife's to decide what she needs to heal - let her have anything she may want/need to help HER.

 

 

 

I don't know if my W will just get over it.

 

she won't just get over it. this process takes time and has many layers of healing if it is to end well. the more you give her free reign of WHATEVER she requires for that healing - the better things can look in the END. getting there is the rough part.

 

 

Maybe I can ask a question or draft a letter to my xOW in the presence of my wife and send it to my xOW This would be breaking NC, but then it would allow my xOW the option of replying...and perhaps from a non emotional standpoint.

 

 

NO! no contact is no contact... now, if your wife contacts - then that is her contact and NOT yours. give her any contact info she needs - then step aside and let the chips fall where they may.

 

it was not her choice for you to pursue another woman. it is now HER own healing process she has to go through before she can decide if it's possible to get her mind around wanting to move forward with you. if you roadblock her, you will surely be asking to end the marriage.

[2sunny]

I disagree with the poster(s) who said that the W needs to do what she needs to do to heal.. that's IMO bull... she might say that she needs to talk to the OW for her closure.. but she can also want to talk to OW just for being nosey.. and/or to be 'mean' to the OW or simply to get some amunition against DI.

 

'Let your wife do what she needs to do at this point and make an agreement with her that after this conversation she will not seek further contact with OW. '

 

DI.. what guarantee do you have that your W will leave her alone after this one conversation.. What if she wants revenge and she wants to destroy the OW's family.. Who knows how the OW will react and put fuel on this already very sensitive issue..

 

You might regret this more than your A... tell your wife that as much as she needs closure on this.. you need a much bigger closure.. which is absolutely NC whatsoever.. end of story..

 

i totally disagree with this viewpoint. given a roadblock - most wives would tell him to take a flying leap. i would view it as his way of protecting OW more than the W. i'd be throwing him out within 5 minutes.

 

how does that show his W that his actions of commitment are with her? that he will be loving and kind if he is still protecting the "secrets?" it doesn't.

 

it shows his W by his actions that he will protect the OW - thus, preserving the A.

[whichwayisup]

Your wife will, I think correctly, see your refusal to allow the communication as you chosing your OW best interest over hers.

 

I agree with this 100%.

 

Whatever her reasons to speak to the exOW, she has that right.. She has every right to get angry at her, ask her questions.. If it helps her with recovery, so be it. The exOW has to own up to her part in the affair and not just blame him. She knew full well he was a married man and chose to be in the A.

[jj33]

DI as Phoenix said, if you deny the request it will look like you are siding with the OW. And in some ways you are.

 

It could appear that you are more concerned about pouring salt on the OWs wounds than about your W's needs.

 

It sounds like your W is grounded and will not lash out at OW. If you warn your W that OW may lash out at her, and may not even be willing to speak to her you will have prepared her for what could be a very upsetting experience for your W (your concern has to be you W here not OW much as may be upsetting for her).

 

Beyond that I dont think its really your call if you are committed to putting your marriage back on track. Your W is giving you a second chance. That in itself is lucky - perhaps even a blessing.

 

Whether she actually calls and whether OW is happy to speak to her is out of your hands. You lived a double life, you controlled the relationship with both women while the A was in progress.

 

Its time to give up that control and let them do what they need to do. OW is an adult its up to her whether she speaks to W.

 

Im not sure how much I would have told W if she had wanted to discuss the A in detail - if it had been a secret I would have said very little.

 

You are obviously a wise and compassionate man used to assisting others with their problems and showing them the way. IMO, there is an element of control there that needs to be relinquished in this situatoin.

 

Youve been honest with your W there is nothing more to hide. The only downside for you is that you miss OW and if W contacts her, OW may contact you and it could hinder NC.

 

As others have said you may want to explain that to your W as painful as that would be for her as it would highlight your continuing feelings.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway, DI, why are you more concerned about your exOW's feelings than your own wife's?