My W wants to communicate with my xOW now that it is over.

[2sure]

For me, speaking with or sending the OW an email was a very good thing.

Now, my H is a real *******, a serial cheater...with no emotions for any of them so its a little different.

 

Several did not know he was married and I contacted them basically just telling them that they had been duped. They didnt even know his real name. So, they were victims also. I felt more obligation than animosity.

 

Others he met on an affair hook up site, so they were married. I emailed them and told them what he was doing, how many people he had met, that they also did not have his real ID, AND that he had researched exactly who they were (via license plates, etc). I felt less for these women, but also dont think it was wrong of me to tell them how much they didnt know, how much of a risk they had taken. I am sure it was alarming for them to realize that he (and now I) knew who they were while they had no idea who he (or I) was.

 

And there were more. One in particular , that I do know and who knows me. This one generated rage within me. I felt, aside from the obvious, that she violated me personally. I still do. But right now, I'm still too angry to contact her. That being said...

 

If I was told NO, I couldnt contact her...that would put me at a frustrating stand still. It would put me ten steps back. It would not only impede recovery , it would impede my own emotional healing. Speaking to or contacting the OW takes away the secret, the mystery, makes it tangible. This is your wife's life, the affair, the infidelity...isnt all about you.

[jasminetea]

I just don't get it.. why is it OK to invade someone's privacy in the name of someone else's mental health? To me, that doesn't make sense..

 

This type of invasion is, IMO, harassement, pure and simple..

 

Oh come on, it's hardly an invasion of privacy

 

As far as the OP goes, I got in touch with four of my ex's OW for the simple reason I wanted to know what he was getting from them that he couldn't get from me. I felt a lot better having done it. The only caveat to advising a BS to get in touch with the OW is be warned - they may try to stay in touch with you and the one that tried to with me was pretty hard to shake.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If they were going to have contact I would give my xOW my wife's contact info and tell her my wife would like to communicate...but no, I wouldn't just give out her info....and no I don't want to break NC.

 

Why is that Devil? Your wife can't contact her without HER permission? Yet she could screw around with her H without her permission. There is a major difference here. The OW is deserving of things that the W isn't?

 

I could. But honestly I just don't think it would do any good. That, and I don't want to throw my xOW under the bus. I don't thik this signifies that I am choosing her over my W....just that as another person that has been respectful in NC...I do not want to just throw her to the wolves.

 

My xOW never gave her husband my contact info...granted she divorced him and he never knew about me...but I can't see her doing this. She has always respected every boundary we set.

 

I hope my W can see past this.

 

Ofcourse your OW didn't give her H the information, it could have been used against her AND the A was still going on. That's comparing apples to banana's. You don't want to throw her under what bus???? You don't see how it could do any good??? For whom??? When exactly did you start worrying about what good could come of a situation. Did you apply that line of thinking to your M, to the A? Did you mean to say I don't know what good could come for me??? All of a sudden you are worried about what is fair and good?? Interesting turn of events and still its your wife you expect to sacrifice. Your marriage doesn't stand a chance, you are wasting your time. Your OW deserves to be protected from your W as much as you proctected your W and marriage from the OW.

 

I'm not saying she is wrong for wanting to talk to her...or that I don't understand...just that this is an act that effects three people...not just us two.

 

Exactly, infact all acts have affected 3 people, but it didn't matter then. All of a sudden it matters now? How is that? All of a sudden it doesn't benefit you or OW so now we're worried about the numbers. Your OW knew you had a wife, she took that chance willingly. Your wife deserves to have her say. NOWHERE else in this world have I heard that unless you are married to someone that you cannot take issue with them interfering in your life in anyway. Its crazy.

 

I just don't get it.. why is it OK to invade someone's privacy in the name of someone else's mental health? To me, that doesn't make sense..

 

This type of invasion is, IMO, harassement, pure and simple..

 

Define OK LIzzie. Certainly if it is OK to sleep with someones H then it is OK to call another human on the phone to ask about it. How is one OK and one is NOT. I'm guessing you don't mind someone calling asking where you got your hair cut or what color you painted your stoop but all of a sudden when its personal, such as someone you are disrespecting, its "private". Yeah, right.

 

DI, ofcourse you don't want to tell your W. Your OW doesn't want a phone call from her. Your W didn't want to be ****ed around on for years. Sooooo.... once again, its about what you want. Right, lets see how that works for you.

[foreal]

DI

 

A reminder: you are all adults.

 

OW screwed a MM. Shyt happens when that happens.

 

Your W screwed around on you and you on her. Shyt happens when that happens.

 

Now the fallout is here.

 

You can attempt to contain it, but it will seep out if your W is obsessive. And if she is obsessive, the seepage won't take long.

[theBrokenMuse]

I just don't get it.. why is it OK to invade someone's privacy in the name of someone else's mental health? To me, that doesn't make sense..

 

This type of invasion is, IMO, harassement, pure and simple..

Are you trying to be this obtuse on purpose?

[choklit]

DI,

 

I agree with addressing this issue in IC and MC. Your wife contacting the OW can have a few results. I know of a couple who the wife called the OW and twelve years later is still bringing up some of the OW's awful comments to him. In this instance, it did not help. BS called me and she felt worse because she learned more from me than him, therefore, felt like he was REALLY hiding info and trying to protect me. And I did NOT tell her half of everything, therefore, protecting him. She actually became more angry and even angrier when I ignored her subsequent calls. Another instance in which it didn't help the situation.

[Devil Inside]

UPDATE:

 

So last night my W wrote me an email to forward to my xOW. She told me to read it and decide if I wanted to forward it to her. She said that she did not have any questions...but that she just wanted to let her know some things.

 

I read it. Basically my W introduced herself (she told me later that she felt that xOW should know that she was a good person and that it killed her that xOW and I would talk about her without he having a chance to represent herself.).

 

The she went on to tell my xOW that she shouldn't feel like she was second choice to her. She said that my xOW was scond choice to my kids but that my W was second choice to xOW. She told her that she should at least know that I loved her (xOW) so much that she is not sure if I have the ability to fall back in love with her (W). She then told my xOW that she is sure she is quite the woman because I wouldn't fall for just anybody.

 

I read this and then asked my W if she really wanted me to forward this. She said that she was sure my xOW felt bad and that she should know how much I loved her and that she was not second. I asked if she really cared what my xOW thought or her feelings.

 

The my W admitted that she felt that just writing the email helped her..and that she hoped that I would react to the email by saying how untrue it was.

 

I told my W that I am here now...and I am committed to rebuilding our marriage...but that it was going to take time because trust has been broken on every level by the both of us. She cried and I held her. This is goig to be a long road.

 

Thank you for all your replies. Even though they pretty much went right down the middle I saw reason in most of them. This just goes to show how complicated and messy this all is.

[foreal]

Did you send it?

 

If not, DON'T!!

[Devil Inside]

Did you send it?

 

If not, DON'T!!

 

I did not. My W didn't want me to...she wanted me to read it.

 

I knew that if I did it would only stir up trouble.

[2sure]

Ahh. I get it. Completely. And I think I can tell you what your wife wants.

 

She wants you to write the OW a letter. She wants you to tell the OW that you love your wife, that you made a mistake, that your wife comes first and that for the rest of your life you will regret every instant when she did not. Your wife wants you to tell OW that you dont know what you were thinking, that she was simply a manifestation of something missing from inside of you, that it was nothing personal.

 

Thats what she wants. I dont know if its what she needs. I dont know if its a lie. I dont know if she would want you to send it.

 

But thats whats she wants.

[foreal]

Good job.

 

Stay NC all the way.

[tinktronik]

The she went on to tell my xOW that she shouldn't feel like she was second choice to her. She said that my xOW was scond choice to my kids but that my W was second choice to xOW. She told her that she should at least know that I loved her (xOW) so much that she is not sure if I have the ability to fall back in love with her (W). She then told my xOW that she is sure she is quite the woman because I wouldn't fall for just anybody.

 

I read this and then asked my W if she really wanted me to forward this. She said that she was sure my xOW felt bad and that she should know how much I loved her and that she was not second. I asked if she really cared what my xOW thought or her feelings.

 

 

 

How absolutely sad that you have made your wife and the woman who has borne your children feel this way. Second choice.

 

You have a long, long road to repair this M. Your wife should seek Individual therapy; she has obviously had an enormous blow to her self esteem.

[whichwayisup]

I knew that if I did it would only stir up trouble.

 

Good choice, especially since your exOW is divorced, getting that email might give her hope that you want her back.

 

Best to stay in NC mode and focus on fixing things at home with your wife. Both you and your wife need to put eachother first, not second or third.. And never let ANYONE else interfer in your marriage. A whole new healthy dynamic needs to happen..

[Jilly Bean]

Devil - can I ask why you are bothering to repair a marriage that is so completely broken?

 

You have said that you're not in love with your wife. Your wife knows this, and she also knows that you loved your ex-OW more than her. Moreso, you have said yourself you're still in love with the ex-OW.

 

I don't see the point of going through the motions when there is no foundation left in your marriage. When you don't love your wife, when you love someone else, and your wife knows where she stands in all of this.

 

It almost seems dramatically more painful and fruitless to stay in this marriage, than it does to just end it.

 

I don't find nobility in forcing things that aren't meant to be...

[foreal]

ahh. I get it. Completely. And i think i can tell you what your wife wants.

 

She wants you to write the ow a letter. she wants you to tell the ow that you love your wife, that you made a mistake, that your wife comes first and that for the rest of your life you will regret every instant when she did not. Your wife wants you to tell ow that you dont know what you were thinking, that she was simply a manifestation of something missing from inside of you, that it was nothing personal.

 

thats what she wants. I dont know if its what she needs. I dont know if its a lie. I dont know if she would want you to send it.

 

But thats whats she wants.

 

 

yep. Bingo.

[Devil Inside]

Devil - can I ask why you are bothering to repair a marriage that is so completely broken?

 

You have said that you're not in love with your wife. Your wife knows this, and she also knows that you loved your ex-OW more than her. Moreso, you have said yourself you're still in love with the ex-OW.

 

I don't see the point of going through the motions when there is no foundation left in your marriage. When you don't love your wife, when you love someone else, and your wife knows where she stands in all of this.

 

It almost seems dramatically more painful and fruitless to stay in this marriage, than it does to just end it.

 

I don't find nobility in forcing things that aren't meant to be...

 

As much crap as has gone down...there was actually the framework of a good marriage at one time.

 

I am not saying that we will not end things...but I am not going to throw in the towel now...not before we work through some of this. I owe it to me, her, and my children, to work on things now that everything has come out...a fresh start.

 

I know that many of you don't believe that someone can love two people...I do....because I do. However, I am choosing to give it a go with my wife. I am one of those people that loves someone forever...it doesn't mean in will be "in love" with them forever...but I will always love xOW.

 

I do believe you can't be "in love" with two people...and right now I am kind of in limbo with that one.

 

So I see your point bout hanging on to something that is not there...but I am not at that point yet...and being honest with myself...I think that after I have given it a fair shot...if I don't feel we can give each other all we deserve...then I will end it.

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting turn of events. Kudos to you for handling it so well.

[foreal]

 

but I will always love xOW.

 

 

WTF?!

Dr. McDreamy said the same thing- geezus!

 

Maybe what you loved (love?) is how OW made you feel? You needed her more than you loved her?.... unless you dumped your W for OW, then how is this love, and forever love at that? FANTASY LAND...

 

There are a few OW on this board who ended up with their MM- only those couples have/had love (and who knows if it will last, but they are at least giving it the college try)

 

"There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not."

 

Francois De La Rochefoucauld

[jennie-jennie]

Tinktronik: "How absolutely sad that you have made your wife and the woman who has borne your children feel this way. Second choice.

 

You have a long, long road to repair this M. Your wife should seek Individual therapy; she has obviously had an enormous blow to her self esteem."

 

I am more inclined to see this in the perspective of DI giving his wife honest information to decide whether she wants to stay in the marriage or not. DI wants to give his marriage a chance, now his wife needs the information to decide if she wants that as well. We don't want her to base her decision on lies or missing information, do we?

[delirious]

One BS quote:

..............I have gained the impression that it's mainly OW and fOW who think the W should have no contact but I really do think if a BS wants it and it's nothing potentially psycho then it's a consequence that both the OW and the MM have to accept of their decision to have an A. By inviting the triangle then to me it's obvious that a W would want at least something form the other party in the triangle.

 

Personally I'm glad I had contact with the OW and I have little regard for any pain caused to her from it.

 

Sid ''

 

Yes Sid and you did not care how many people suffered and you went out to make as many as possible suffer including her son who had just lost his dad and the in laws (what!!!!). That was indeed psycho.

 

DI this was advice telling you to let your W contact your OW. One reason to dodge that one is the above. How many others will be involved even though it is pointless hurting more people.

 

 

Di I have followed your posts with great interest as I am like your OW although I have not ended it yet with my MM. It sounds like you had a bond with her that you are kidding yourself that it was because your relationship was new and exciting, you did things with her that you have never done, you experienced things you have never felt. All this confessing has opened you up as to how you really feel and want to feel and you are denying it to yourself. THank you for posting it is helping others too. It is helping me understand how men can compartmentalise.

[jennie-jennie]

WTF?!

Dr. McDreamy said the same thing- geezus!

 

Maybe what you loved (love?) is how OW made you feel? You needed her more than you loved her?.... unless you dumped your W for OW, then how is this love, and forever love at that? FANTASY LAND...

 

There are a few OW on this board who ended up with their MM- only those couples have/had love (and who knows if it will last, but they are at least giving it the college try)

 

"There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not."

 

Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

I am confused now. Don't we always love the partner who makes us feel good? Loving a partner is not an altruistic act.

[jennie-jennie]

Good choice, especially since your exOW is divorced, getting that email might give her hope that you want her back.

 

Best to stay in NC mode and focus on fixing things at home with your wife. Both you and your wife need to put eachother first, not second or third.. And never let ANYONE else interfer in your marriage. A whole new healthy dynamic needs to happen..

 

I am glad you now agree with what the OW have been saying all along in this thread.

[Jilly Bean]

As much crap as has gone down...there was actually the framework of a good marriage at one time.

 

I am not saying that we will not end things...but I am not going to throw in the towel now...not before we work through some of this. I owe it to me, her, and my children, to work on things now that everything has come out...a fresh start.

 

I know that many of you don't believe that someone can love two people...I do....because I do. However, I am choosing to give it a go with my wife. I am one of those people that loves someone forever...it doesn't mean in will be "in love" with them forever...but I will always love xOW.

 

I do believe you can't be "in love" with two people...and right now I am kind of in limbo with that one.

 

So I see your point bout hanging on to something that is not there...but I am not at that point yet...and being honest with myself...I think that after I have given it a fair shot...if I don't feel we can give each other all we deserve...then I will end it.

 

Fair enough. Always appeciate your honesty, and I must say, you sound terrifically realistic and grounded about the process.

 

I applaud you for giving it a whirl, mainly because you are not attached to a pre-determined outcome.

[foreal]

I am not saying there is/was not any kind of love...I am saying it is a NEED LOVE.

 

If he were not in a R with his W, then okay, away you go with the true love....but when you are M? That is not an environment for true love to grow..and if it is the exeption, then divorce the W and be with OW, that would be real love.

 

He needed her to feel a certain way. This 'new' love, exciting, never before felt love was was fueled and fed by OW meeting his needs. It could have been any OW as long as she was filling the need.

 

It is confusing..which is why I highly recommend not getting involved with a MM/MW unless you are actually M to them.

[Dexter Morgan]

She told me today that she wants a chance to talk to or email my xOW. I told her that I did not think that would be productive and she thought I was being unfair. She felt that I was protecting the xOW...which in a sense I am.

 

Did any BS's in here talk to the OW/OMs after the A was over. Did it help with anything?

 

I didn't care to talk to the OM as it didn't matter. If I would have initiated contact for any reason, it would have been to thank him for taking her on as his problem now.

 

As far as your wife, if she wants to talk to xOW, whether you think its productive or not, then your wife should get to do so. You owe it to her.

 

As for protecting the xOW.....thats her problem. Besides...protect her from what? Or are you protecting more secrets?

 

I agree that it probably isn't productive, but even if its only what your wife THINKS she needs to help her, then you owe it to her to let her. And really, she could just do it without your approval.