My W wants to communicate with my xOW now that it is over.

[Dexter Morgan]

Personally, I wouldn't allow it.

 

is it really the WS's place to allow anything? I agree that probably nothing good can come from it, unless there are unanswered questions and continuous lies going unanswered.

 

 

I don't see one good thing that can come from it. Of course, now your W is manipulating this to say that you are protecting your ex OW, and making it seem like you're taking her side.

 

he said it himself that in a sense, he IS protecting xOW.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know if my W will just get over it.

 

You're right, i do have feelings for my xOW...I care about her....I lover her

 

so this is more about protecting your OW

 

 

 

but I also am done with her. I have concerns that an exchange between the two women could result in hurt feelings by all.

 

 

so as long as its just your wife that hurts, thats acceptable? I would think that the desires and wants of your wife trump that of any OW. So maybe you care for OW more than your wife and therefore, why are you really married?

 

 

Maybe I can ask a question or draft a letter to my xOW in the presence of my wife and send it to my xOW. This would be breaking NC, but then it would allow my xOW the option of replying...and perhaps from a non emotional standpoint.

 

I don't know!

 

Is your xOW married? if so, does her husband know? is this the main reason for protecting her?

 

Either way, seems that you are affording the OW more courtesies than your own wife. If I were married to someone that I found out cheated, which I wouldn't be, and it seems that they are protecting their sex on the side interest, which you clearly are, then I'd pretty much think the marriage is a joke. Forget whether or not this contact between the two would be productive. your wife has a need...to lash out, to ask questinos...whatever, and for you to deny her that need while fullfilling the need of an easy way to go for your OW is showing disrespect to your wife.

 

Your OW should be insignificant to you if you truly want your marriage. She is states away and too bad if she is hurt by this. YOUR WIFE IS HURT and she is the one you need to ease the pain for, not the OW. And whether or not pain or moving on can be accomplished by your wife contacting is beside the point.....she feels she needs this and wants this. You deny her this or ridiculously "forbid" it, then you are sending your wife the message...."OW means more to me than you do". and since you said you love the OW, I'd say OW does mean more.

[MistyK]

so this is more about protecting your OW

 

 

so as long as its just your wife that hurts, thats acceptable? I would think that the desires and wants of your wife trump that of any OW. So maybe you care for OW more than your wife and therefore, why are you really married?

 

Is your xOW married? if so, does her husband know? is this the main reason for protecting her?

 

Either way, seems that you are affording the OW more courtesies than your own wife. If I were married to someone that I found out cheated, which I wouldn't be, and it seems that they are protecting their sex on the side interest, which you clearly are, then I'd pretty much think the marriage is a joke. Forget whether or not this contact between the two would be productive. your wife has a need...to lash out, to ask questinos...whatever, and for you to deny her that need while fullfilling the need of an easy way to go for your OW is showing disrespect to your wife.

 

Your OW should be insignificant to you if you truly want your marriage. She is states away and too bad if she is hurt by this. YOUR WIFE IS HURT and she is the one you need to ease the pain for, not the OW. And whether or not pain or moving on can be accomplished by your wife contacting is beside the point.....she feels she needs this and wants this. You deny her this or ridiculously "forbid" it, then you are sending your wife the message...."OW means more to me than you do". and since you said you love the OW, I'd say OW does mean more.

 

 

Dex - READ before you post. DI's W had multiple affairs on him, previously he only knew of one EA, but apparently she kept cheating and even had a PA he didn't know about. DI's A ended 3 months ago and he's NC with OW. DI is now reeling from his W's new disclosure about all her A's. OW is DIVORCED. Now, does this affect your advice/opinion here?

[Sanafa]

WTF?!

Dr. McDreamy said the same thing- geezus!

 

Maybe what you loved (love?) is how OW made you feel? You needed her more than you loved her?.... unless you dumped your W for OW, then how is this love, and forever love at that? FANTASY LAND...

 

There are a few OW on this board who ended up with their MM- only those couples have/had love (and who knows if it will last, but they are at least giving it the college try)

 

"There is no disguise that can for long conceal love where it exists or simulate it where it does not."

 

Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

Aahhhhhhh

 

Why is there only ONE right way!!!!!!!

 

You certainly can LOVE two people .... What you can't do is COMMIT to two people.

 

why is it that if ANYONE suggests you can love two people ( of course you can...come on people... everyone is smarter than this!)

 

People have a HUGE ability to love..... I was 100% in love with MM..... but that does not mean for one second that I did not still love some truly important people ( including an ex) in my life.

 

They came into my life for a reason... He brought me the ability to see my creativity in my work, he brought me love and true acceptance. He didn't lose it when I lost it on him..... he try to understand it... not to say it didn't piss him off... or hurt him, but it didn't tarnish his opinion of me.

 

HIS choice to stay with his family, with his life.... doesn't tarnish mine of him.

 

Why must it be a Love or hate thing.

 

My MM will always be special to me, always... and that is 100% ok as long as I understand we will never be together and I am certain my heart is big enough to love again, but it won't change that I will always care about him.

 

God, I still care about my first love and we were 15!!!! I did love him, with all my heart and I think of him with a smile and I knew through mutual friends that he's great and that to me is fantastic. And if he died tomorrow... I would be upset.

 

Every time you meet someone who effects you ( be it a collegue, a lover, a child, a random person that just "touched you") you take a piece of them with you, a lesson and you truly are your experiences, your pain and your growth because of each of those people.

 

Why is it always a competition! BS - He didn't love OW ---- OW - He didn't love wife

 

God, is there only true happiness when you are on top? I don't get it... I don't get it and I do understand why most don't get me! as I would say.... " For the love of god..... come on people" Emotions are not tangible

[PhoenixRise]

UPDATE:

 

So last night my W wrote me an email to forward to my xOW. She told me to read it and decide if I wanted to forward it to her. She said that she did not have any questions...but that she just wanted to let her know some things.

 

I read it. Basically my W introduced herself (she told me later that she felt that xOW should know that she was a good person and that it killed her that xOW and I would talk about her without he having a chance to represent herself.).

 

The she went on to tell my xOW that she shouldn't feel like she was second choice to her. She said that my xOW was scond choice to my kids but that my W was second choice to xOW. She told her that she should at least know that I loved her (xOW) so much that she is not sure if I have the ability to fall back in love with her (W). She then told my xOW that she is sure she is quite the woman because I wouldn't fall for just anybody.

 

I read this and then asked my W if she really wanted me to forward this. She said that she was sure my xOW felt bad and that she should know how much I loved her and that she was not second. I asked if she really cared what my xOW thought or her feelings.

 

The my W admitted that she felt that just writing the email helped her..and that she hoped that I would react to the email by saying how untrue it was.

 

I told my W that I am here now...and I am committed to rebuilding our marriage...but that it was going to take time because trust has been broken on every level by the both of us. She cried and I held her. This is goig to be a long road.

 

Thank you for all your replies. Even though they pretty much went right down the middle I saw reason in most of them. This just goes to show how complicated and messy this all is.

 

 

Clearly, your wife didn't actually want you to send that email. She wanted you to deny the contents of the email. She wanted you to tell her that you loved her and that you were not just staying for the sake of the kids, and that she was not second in your heart.

 

How said for you both if you were not able to say these things to her.

[silktricks]

Here's the thing that keeps getting ignored - DI is still reeling with finding out that his W has lots of affairs and that she had a PA. Maybe he needs some time to figure out if this M is even worth salvaging. He's dealing with the same shock that she is, so can we please relax about worrying about his W's needs right at this second? She surely wasn't worried about his with 20 other men. And right now I see ZERO about how she is trying to be transparent to him. To me, it sounds like she seized upon an oppurtunity to deflect attention away from her own infidelity.

 

So ssooorrryyy. I hadn't read this entire thread and didn't know that the BS was also a CS... and that DI is also a BS... Guess I'll have to backtrack here....

 

Yeah, I'd definitely agree that both DI and his wife need to sit back and take stock on whether or not they are both actually interested in remaining in this marriage.. and in the meantime... leave the OW and the apparently various OM out of it...

[EsmerKiss7]

So ssooorrryyy. I hadn't read this entire thread and didn't know that the BS was also a CS... and that DI is also a BS... Guess I'll have to backtrack here....

 

Yeah, I'd definitely agree that both DI and his wife need to sit back and take stock on whether or not they are both actually interested in remaining in this marriage.. and in the meantime... leave the OW and the apparently various OM out of it...

 

 

Yes, thank you... I think that was the point all along, when you trim away all the BS it's not about contacting the OW it's about THEM working on their relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex - READ before you post.

 

I did read before I posted. Nothing in the original post said anything of the sort. maybe you have the time to read every post on here, but some do not. I respond to what I read in the original post. If I happen to see details that were left out later, then I'll comment on that.

 

 

DI's W had multiple affairs on him, previously he only knew of one EA, but apparently she kept cheating and even had a PA he didn't know about.

 

then apparently she doesn't have any "right" to demand s##t from him then eh? She cheated too, therefore her getting all uppity about the OW is kind of stupid, now that I have the details.

 

But either way, they both cheated.....why the hell are they even together? some kind of torture for each other?

 

 

DI's A ended 3 months ago and he's NC with OW. DI is now reeling from his W's new disclosure about all her A's. OW is DIVORCED. Now, does this affect your advice/opinion here?

 

it changes my opinion since she is a hypocrites who cheated also, she then has the nerve to get all upset when it happens to her?

 

Otherwise, if his wife never cheated, then my opinion would stand.

[tami-chan]

Ahh. I get it. Completely. And I think I can tell you what your wife wants.

 

She wants you to write the OW a letter. She wants you to tell the OW that you love your wife, that you made a mistake, that your wife comes first and that for the rest of your life you will regret every instant when she did not. Your wife wants you to tell OW that you dont know what you were thinking, that she was simply a manifestation of something missing from inside of you, that it was nothing personal.

 

Thats what she wants. I dont know if its what she needs. I dont know if its a lie. I dont know if she would want you to send it.

 

But thats whats she wants.

 

 

I so totally agree with this. DI, your wife is MANIPULATING you---hoping that you would negate what she is saying....ugh...sorry, DI....

[tami-chan]

How absolutely sad that you have made your wife and the woman who has borne your children feel this way. Second choice.

 

You have a long, long road to repair this M. Your wife should seek Individual therapy; she has obviously had an enormous blow to her self esteem.

 

Oh please..have you NOT read the whole thing? His wife was a cheat-many times over!

[tami-chan]

I did read before I posted. Nothing in the original post said anything of the sort. maybe you have the time to read every post on here, but some do not. I respond to what I read in the original post. If I happen to see details that were left out later, then I'll comment on that.

 

Maybe you really should read it, so that your comments and advise are relevant...

 

 

 

 

then apparently she doesn't have any "right" to demand s##t from him then eh? She cheated too, therefore her getting all uppity about the OW is kind of stupid, now that I have the details.

 

But either way, they both cheated.....why the hell are they even together? some kind of torture for each other?

 

Like I said before, the wife has no right to demand anything from DI. She is a cheat (not once, many times over, mind you).

 

 

it changes my opinion since she is a hypocrites who cheated also, she then has the nerve to get all upset when it happens to her?

Otherwise, if his wife never cheated, then my opinion would stand.

 

There you go...if you read before you posted you would not have to change your position and wasted your thoughts (and space)...

[NoIDidn't]

This might not be a helpful conversation for my W. There are things that my xOW could say to her that would hurt a ton...I also want to prevent that.

 

Right now, my wife is guided by emotion...and maybe if she waits a little she will realize that she does not need to know every detail...especially from the mouth of my xOW who may not be as kind as I have been.

 

Not sure if you have seen from another thread but I recently learned of some of her infidelities as well. I have no desire to talk to any of those men...because if I hear one thing that can give me an image of them together...I am going to be screwed in the head.

 

DI

 

I am so disappointed in this post. You don't get to control her desires and you don't get to throw in her face her past infidelities in an attempt to control her behavior.

 

I read the update about the letter, but I don't think this is over for a long shot. She probably still wants to know why you were so willing to protect this other woman and not her. Everything that the others have said about her needing to see something come from you is true. And if you don't give it to her in the near future, you will keep hearing about this.

 

If you want to speak to her former OMs, fine, I hope she won't keep their info from you. But to use her past infidelities as a reason to not comply with this simple request. Its one thing to put parameters on it - like you want to be present or only one phone call - but to outright prevent it only makes you look insincere.

 

And its lame to try to say she has to keep NC if you have to. Seriously. You are the one that is romantically linked to that woman and keeping you from contacting her keeps the romantic interest at bay. Your W has no romantic interest in this woman and her speaking to her isn't going to bring up loving feelings, like it would for you. For anyone to try this, and it seems this was suggested to you here, is as transparent as it is a sad, sad, attempt to cover your own behind.

 

I know you think that you covered yourself sufficiently with the letter, but I doubt this is over. The fact that you wouldn't give her the information when she asked you will continue to linger until she gets what she wants. Whatever you are trying to hide, will not stay hidden for long.

 

Glad I didn't have to deal with this. It would have been the end for me. I don't do well with people who have disrespected and hurt me trying to tell me who I can and can't contact.

 

(Sorry for my tone, a little annoyed with the obvious factions that the posters have divided into - well, except Jilly )

[Lovely10]

Ahh. I get it. Completely. And I think I can tell you what your wife wants.

 

She wants you to write the OW a letter. She wants you to tell the OW that you love your wife, that you made a mistake, that your wife comes first and that for the rest of your life you will regret every instant when she did not. Your wife wants you to tell OW that you dont know what you were thinking, that she was simply a manifestation of something missing from inside of you, that it was nothing personal.

 

Thats what she wants. I dont know if its what she needs. I dont know if its a lie. I dont know if she would want you to send it.

 

But thats whats she wants.

 

 

2sure has hit the nail on the head.

 

In her heart of hearts she may have wanted you to read the letter she wrote... turn to her... and tell her that she is so very wrong. That you love and adore her above everyone... opening the door for her to do the same.

 

If I had written that letter... that is most assuredly what I would have yearned for. Comfort and reassurance from my husband that everything will be okay.

 

I do not believe this is manipulation. I think she was reaching out for you.

[tami-chan]

DIYou don't get to control her desires and you don't get to throw in her face her past infidelities in an attempt to control her behavior.

 

And the wife does not get to control his desire to protect the xOW-the same way she is protecting the numerous men she had EA/PA with. The xOW deserves the closure that DI gave her-the xOW who is the only one in this dynamic who had the courage to put an end to her marriage and put an end to the affair AND respect NC.

 

I read the update about the letter, but I don't think this is over for a long shot. She probably still wants to know why you were so willing to protect this other woman and not her. Everything that the others have said about her needing to see something come from you is true. And if you don't give it to her in the near future, you will keep hearing about this.

 

Again, the wife is lucky that DI is still trying, very hard, to do what is best for all concerned. DI is still holding her and telling her, despite her infidelities and his infidelity, he is still there listening to her, acknowledging her pain.

 

If you want to speak to her former OMs, fine, I hope she won't keep their info from you. But to use her past infidelities as a reason to not comply with this simple request. Its one thing to put parameters on it - like you want to be present or only one phone call - but to outright prevent it only makes you look insincere.

 

She should OFFER it to him. Offer him the opportunity to talk to all her OMs, but she has not. I say, she has no right to make demands from him. She needs to swallow this bitter pill and start all over again or move on....Like so many BSs say here..."Karma is a b*tch".

[Devil Inside]

Listen, I see the points on both sides...I really do.

 

I have chosen not to talk to her OMs because what would be the point? At this stage she is either lying or telling the truth and me going on some investigation will most likely only lead to more pain. This has been my choice. She has not denied me information...but I haven't asked. She has, however, denied her As to me even when I asked.

 

I agree that her betrayal does not give me the right to deny her what she needs. However, I honestly believe that she is done now.

 

It is difficult to work on a marriage where both partners have cheated and where they disclosure come out on the same day. Double D-Day! It has sucked...but I am dealing. Luckily for me she has not put ultimatums...like give me the info or I walk...nor have I.

 

The only thing I have asked is that she read some books and come to MC with me before giving up. She wants this to work...but is afraid I don't...and honestly I am split. I will not make a decision until much later.

[tami-chan]

I have chosen not to talk to her OMs because what would be the point? At this stage she is either lying or telling the truth and me going on some investigation will most likely only lead to more pain. This has been my choice.

 

Interesting. I, too was not interested in talking or even knowing who my H's OWs were. I was not even interested in his explanations and excuses. I was not interested in his "truth"...because I did not trust him.

 

 

Luckily for me she has not put ultimatums...like give me the info or I walk...nor have I.

 

"lucky for me"...THAT is so endearing.....considering.

 

I will not make a decision until much later.

 

I heard somebody say: In a relationship, when in doubt...freeze-nobody moves.

[Devil Inside]

 

I heard somebody say: In a relationship, when in doubt...freeze-nobody moves.

 

 

I like that. Especially in one where there are children involved. However...I am freezing and working on things...then I will make a decision...and so will she. One thing I can say...my decision will be what is bet for me and my children...I owe her that.

[SoleMate]

Contacting the OW is a fairly bad idea, BUT....I think you have been making the choices unilaterally for long enough, now it is your wife's turn to decide what roller coaster to take your marriage on.

 

So give her the contact info. Stop protecting the OW and yourself, at the cost of denying your wife.

[jennie-jennie]

2sure has hit the nail on the head.

 

In her heart of hearts she may have wanted you to read the letter she wrote... turn to her... and tell her that she is so very wrong. That you love and adore her above everyone... opening the door for her to do the same.

 

If I had written that letter... that is most assuredly what I would have yearned for. Comfort and reassurance from my husband that everything will be okay.

 

I do not believe this is manipulation. I think she was reaching out for you.

 

I am sure this is what a BS is hoping for. But DI did the correct thing, he did not lie to his wife by reassuring her falsely, instead he reassured her with what he could, that he is there now. Very well done, DI.

[ladydesigner]

Wow DI I just read this thread. I am utterly speechless. ((((DI)))) You are a very strong person and I really admire you. I do not have the strength that you do. I don't think I will ever tell my husband about my A as much as people on here say to do. I will get flamed for this I know, but I just have made up my mind about it. My husband had his affairs and I had mine, unfortunately I fell in love with my AP. I definitely played with fire and got burned.

 

Good luck with everything DI. I am really feeling for you right now. It is a lot to deal with having 2 D-Days I don't even know what to say. Please take care of yourself.

[Devil Inside]

Wow DI I just read this thread. I am utterly speechless. ((((DI)))) You are a very strong person and I really admire you. I do not have the strength that you do. I don't think I will ever tell my husband about my A as much as people on here say to do. I will get flamed for this I know, but I just have made up my mind about it. My husband had his affairs and I had mine, unfortunately I fell in love with my AP. I definitely played with fire and got burned.

 

Good luck with everything DI. I am really feeling for you right now. It is a lot to deal with having 2 D-Days I don't even know what to say. Please take care of yourself.

 

Thanks LD...I know you get my pain.

 

As for you...do what you need to and what is best for your situation. You have seen me agonize over telling her, and the day I decided to do it I found out about her infidelities...so it was fate it happened that day.

 

I think burned is a good term...because fire is warm and inviting...but stand in it too long and ouch...it hurts.

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe you really should read it, so that your comments and advise are relevant...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Like I said before, the wife has no right to demand anything from DI. She is a cheat (not once, many times over, mind you).

 

 

 

 

There you go...if you read before you posted you would not have to change your position and wasted your thoughts (and space)...

 

again, I did read before I posted. Nothing in what I read said anything about her cheating as well, and unlike you, I don't have time to read everything. I reply to the original thread, read more of it when I can, and if certain details are omitted from what I read, then so be it.

 

and if later on the omitted details come to light, then I will comment on it at that time.

[jennie-jennie]

I am sorry, but this comes across as being very cold hearted.

 

Why? Because I do not want DI to lie to his wife? From what I have understood the truth is like his wife wrote in the letter. Do you think he should deny the truth just to make her happy? How can she then make a well informed decision about her marriage?

 

DI's strength is that he so honestly and brutally looks at himself and tells what he sees. I am certain his wife appreciates that quality in him as well.

[PhoenixRise]

Why? Because I do not want DI to lie to his wife? From what I have understood the truth is like his wife wrote in the letter. Do you think he should deny the truth just to make her happy? How can she then make a well informed decision about her marriage?

 

DI's strength is that he so honestly and brutally looks at himself and tells what he sees. I am certain his wife appreciates that quality in him as well.

 

 

JJ I actually agree with much of what you said here.

 

I would never have wanted my H to lie to me about anything concerning the affair. I wanted the truth. I did not want to be appeased because I was making decisions about my life.

 

However, I don't think the email DI's wife wrote expressed the whole truth. Yes he loves his OW but he has also said that he loves his wife. It is also true that the reason the A ended is because among other things, DI loves his wife and because regardless of how he feels about OW he was not willing to put those feelings ahead of what he shares with his W in terms of making a decision that would affect the rest of his life. OW recognized this, so she walked. So telling her that would not have been appeasement. It would have been true.

[Spark1111]

Generally, therapists will try to dissuade you from contacting the OW/OM for two reasons: One, it is a deflection from the pain you are feeling toward the WS, and you are seeking reassurances you are not getting from the WS to be given by the OW/OM, and two, it is often disappointing.

 

On a rare occasion, it is self-empowering to take some control of your life by initiating contact with the OW/OM.

 

It is so excruciating to discover a third party, totally unknown to you, has shared secrets, time, emotions, and often sex with your trusted partner. In an effort to wrap your head around the betrayal, efforts to "know" that person who so invaded your life in ways you could not imagine, can have a healing effect.

 

I had only empathy for my WS's OW initially. Three people in a triangle, three get hurt.

 

I waited 6 months to contact her and she immediately called my husband at work, angry she had been bothered by me.

 

I called her again and informed her my husband and my therapist had full knowledge I was contacting her, that I wished her peace, and that I wanted to close the chapter once and for all, on what had been a painful chapter for all of us. I left her all my phone numbers, work cell, etc., and the times I would be available. This was all done in kindness.

 

She never returned my phone call.

 

Our opinion of her, both mine and my WS's, has changed considerably by that one act of evasion.

 

She could talk the talk, but not walk the walk. So much for empathy and taking the high road. She wouldn't know it if she crashed her car into it.

 

She fell off the pedestal for good. And that was an okay thing for me to learn, and somewhat healing.

 

I had thought she must have been "all that." He certainly had thought that.

 

She wasn't.