jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 And if a woman asks her man if her butt looks big in those pants, he should be honest and say yes? I don't believe whether the woman knows she has a big butt or not is information she needs to decide whether or not to stay in a marriage. But perhaps you would like to make such an important decision yourself based on misinformation? In that case what was the point of revealing the affair in the first place? MM is lying. BS wants lies. Everything is good. Link to post Share on other sites
EsmerKiss7 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'm just curious about one thing, to all the BS's on here, in contacting the OW did it effect the decision to stay/leave your H? Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 JJ I actually agree with much of what you said here. I would never have wanted my H to lie to me about anything concerning the affair. I wanted the truth. I did not want to be appeased because I was making decisions about my life. However, I don't think the email DI's wife wrote expressed the whole truth. Yes he loves his OW but he has also said that he loves his wife. It is also true that the reason the A ended is because among other things, DI loves his wife and because regardless of how he feels about OW he was not willing to put those feelings ahead of what he shares with his W in terms of making a decision that would affect the rest of his life. OW recognized this, so she walked. So telling her that would not have been appeasement. It would have been true. You and I have the same standpoint then. I might be mixed up about the details in the email. That is not the main issue. You and I agree that honesty is important for the wife and her future. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 You have lived a very hard life, JJ. The stories of your past are very sad and it seems you have been the brunt of some extremely harsh and tragic situations. Has anyone ever gone out of their way to truly be kind and generous to you in a genuine way? There's been a lot of hurt going back between DI and his wife that is for certain. However, I believe we owe kindness and decency towards others... especially someone who has shared a life with us and/or has borne children as a result of the union. Even in the crappiest of times, I have treated my husband with lovingkindness out of respect for what we had and what we perhaps once were, are, and/or may be again. No matter what ever happens in my marriage I will treat him with lovingkindness. Brutal honesty can be nothing short of cruelty. No one deserves to have their heart broken. I have my loved ones who care for me. MM is one. I don't know if anything made you believe that DI has been anything but kind and decent towards his wife. I did not suggest brutal honesty. I complimented DI for telling the truth, the truth that was kind and helpful to his wife, which was that he was with her now and that was what mattered, and not falling into the trap of giving the BS what she hoped to hear which was not true. Hey, I even suggested that he could choose not to reveal the affair in another thread before Dday. Go call someone else coldhearted. That does not apply to me. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't get this. It seems like a lot of BS say that the truth must out, the affair must be revealed. Then once the affair is revealed the WS is supposed to start lying and tell the BS whatever she wants to hear? Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't get this. It seems like a lot of BS say that the truth must out, the affair must be revealed. Then once the affair is revealed the WS is supposed to start lying and tell the BS whatever she wants to hear? Ah yes, the "fake it til you make it" phenomenon. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Truly, what intelligent and resourceful woman would want a man who "fakes it until he makes it?" Here's the rub: The affair partner had a window into the marriage as conveyed by the WS -- My wife doesn't understand me, she's here for the money, we never have sex.....blah, blah, blah. Now, post DDAy, the WS has a choice: AP or spouse. If the WS seems desparate to repair the marriage, and the BS agrees to give the WS an opportunity to do so, the BS often needs a window into the affair in an effort to answer the time-honored question: Why are you still here????? Why DID you choose me? Often, a person denigrates and minimizes the marriage to permit themselves to enter the affair. When they return to the BS, they minimize or denigrate the affair to re-enter the marriage. Only this time, we're not buying it. If he fakes it until he makes it, that would not work for me. Not at all. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I have my loved ones who care for me. MM is one. I don't know if anything made you believe that DI has been anything but kind and decent towards his wife. I did not suggest brutal honesty. I complimented DI for telling the truth, the truth that was kind and helpful to his wife, which was that he was with her now and that was what mattered, and not falling into the trap of giving the BS what she hoped to hear which was not true. Hey, I even suggested that he could choose not to reveal the affair in another thread before Dday. Go call someone else coldhearted. That does not apply to me. not THE truth - but HIS truth. truth is a matter of one person's perspective. even five years from now HIS truth might look different than it does at this very moment. perspective..... Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'm just curious about one thing, to all the BS's on here, in contacting the OW did it effect the decision to stay/leave your H? jeez, a tough one. No, for me, it was inconsequential. I had all the info regarding the affair within 72 hours after DDay. I needed to decide whether I loved him enough to give the reconciliation he begged for the proper effort. That took a very LONG time! I knew if I couldn't understand his actions enough to forgive them, we wouldn't have a shot at a future. Contacting her had nothing to do with that decision. It was all about his honesty, remorse and efforts to work on the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Ah yes, the "fake it til you make it" phenomenon. Thanks, Misty, for explaining. I forgot about that one. Eeeew. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Truly, what intelligent and resourceful woman would want a man who "fakes it until he makes it?" Here's the rub: The affair partner had a window into the marriage as conveyed by the WS -- My wife doesn't understand me, she's here for the money, we never have sex.....blah, blah, blah. Now, post DDAy, the WS has a choice: AP or spouse. If the WS seems desparate to repair the marriage, and the BS agrees to give the WS an opportunity to do so, the BS often needs a window into the affair in an effort to answer the time-honored question: Why are you still here????? Why DID you choose me? Often, a person denigrates and minimizes the marriage to permit themselves to enter the affair. When they return to the BS, they minimize or denigrate the affair to re-enter the marriage. Only this time, we're not buying it. If he fakes it until he makes it, that would not work for me. Not at all. My MM never minimalized his marriage nor his love for his wife. He always portrayed her as a good woman. Hopefully he will do the same with me come Dday. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 In all honesty, could someone please explain to me where this idea that BS's want to be bs'd comes from? For heaven's sake, the only reason I'm still married is because of what he is doing not saying. He has a tendency of putting his foot in his own mouth so often frankly if I relied on that we'd be up *hit's creek without a paddle! Nope its actions for me. Please, please, please explain this to me!!!!!!! If you don't understand that, perhaps you should have read the thread before calling someone cold hearted. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerLady Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 She told me today that she wants a chance to talk to or email my xOW. I told her that I did not think that would be productive and she thought I was being unfair. She felt that I was protecting the xOW...which in a sense I am. Did any BS's in here talk to the OW/OMs after the A was over. Did it help with anything? I spoke to the other woman and it did help me a lot. It helped me decide to get a divorce even quicker. He was protecting her and still lying, even after he was caught. There is only one loyalty in a marriage not 2. It really helped me in deciding he was out the door and my marriage was over forever. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't get this. It seems like a lot of BS say that the truth must out, the affair must be revealed. Then once the affair is revealed the WS is supposed to start lying and tell the BS whatever she wants to hear? I don't think anyone suggested that DI should lie to his wife regarding his feelings. People who have been there and done that pointed out that DI's wife didn't write the email for OW she wrote it for him, because she wanted to be reassured that he loves her. AND according to DI, he does love her. No need to lie. He also loves OW, he shouldn't lie about that either. At the end of the day, unless DI is sharing the details of these intimate conversations he is having with is wife with people on the board via PM, we don't really know what he said. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 In all honesty, could someone please explain to me where this idea that BS's want to be bs'd comes from? For heaven's sake, the only reason I'm still married is because of what he is doing not saying. He has a tendency of putting his foot in his own mouth so often frankly if I relied on that we'd be up *hit's creek without a paddle! Nope its actions for me. Please, please, please explain this to me!!!!!!! Basically what they are saying is that because the MM told them so many bad things about the W and the M, they can't possibly take him serious when he starts "working" on the marriage. They (the OW/OP) believe that the MP is only going through the motions to appease the BS. They simply refuse to see what is right in front of their eyes. DI has no reason to appease his W. It really just seems that he is geniunely scared sh*tless about what his W might discover if she speaks with the OW. I say he should give her the information and discover that things aren't as bad as he thinks they will be. Regardless of her previous affairs, I think he should give her the information and see how she handles herself. He is still uncertain about the status of his marriage. This could actually give him a decent glimpse into the heart of the woman he is married to. Instead of assuming that she wants to contact the OW for good or bad reasons, he can see how she handles contacting her and it would actually help him see what is in her heart. It might actually help her see why she was busy choosing affairs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it might not hurt (feelings and the situation). And the information learned might be detrimental to a recovery. But it could knock one or both of them off the fence. I think its obvious that his W wants to stay married, though. The amount of times she cheated (and revealed to him) without his knowledge and she stayed says that she wants this marriage to work, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Ah yes, the "fake it til you make it" phenomenon. Misty I don't know ANYONE who would want this. I have not talked to nor read the accout of any BS who wants their WS to fake anything. Rather I know if my H didn't truly want to be with me, wasn't making a true decision to be here based on what HE wants, or was chosing to be here for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't even ask him to leave. I would be gone. AND gone so fast there would be a cloud of dust left in my wake. I see this sentiment echoed by plenty of BS Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'm just curious about one thing, to all the BS's on here, in contacting the OW did it effect the decision to stay/leave your H? In my case it didn't matter. D-day happened when I found her information - name, email address, home address, phone numbers (all of them, even her mother's house, LOL). That's what I meant by "glad I didn't have to go through this". I didn't have to ask my H for permission to speak to her. I did agree not to contact her so long as he didn't contact her either (for reasons other than work related since they worked together). But I knew he wasn't going to be able to keep that agreement and bided my time to call her. And it was a very simple call. I just needed her to verify some information for me with a yes or a no. I didn't want to know any details as I would never have been able to remove them from my mind and that would have been the end of a marriage that I wanted to keep. I just needed to verify my suspicions of when he continued lying to me about contact. Not so I could leave, I didn't want to leave, but to let him know I knew the truth and HE was the one that had a decision to make. He was free to go if he wanted to leave. Sure, I would have been brokenhearted, but he was free to leave. I just wanted the lies to stop so that we could work on "us". Contacting her accomplished some of that for me. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Misty I don't know ANYONE who would want this. I have not talked to nor read the accout of any BS who wants their WS to fake anything. Rather I know if my H didn't truly want to be with me, wasn't making a true decision to be here based on what HE wants, or was chosing to be here for the wrong reasons, I wouldn't even ask him to leave. I would be gone. AND gone so fast there would be a cloud of dust left in my wake. I see this sentiment echoed by plenty of BS Echoed by this one. I told him that if he was only staying for the kids, I was going to leave for him. No one wants to feel like Jenny Sanford did when the Governor said he was going to "try" to fall in love with her again. Look what that got HIM. She left. Its what usually happens. Once you've been the W, the one he chose to marry, you don't settle for him being your consolation prize that only pretends to love you because they are too afraid to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I am sorry, but this comes across as being very cold hearted. I did not call you coldhearted. I said what you SAID sounded coldhearted. Just refreshing your memory. You said "being very cold hearted". I took that as referring to me being cold hearted. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I'm just curious about one thing, to all the BS's on here, in contacting the OW did it effect the decision to stay/leave your H? Not at all. I spoke with MOW after DDay. MOW does not come into play at this point. My H's actions, not words, are effecting my decision to stay or go. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 I don't think anyone suggested that DI should lie to his wife regarding his feelings. People who have been there and done that pointed out that DI's wife didn't write the email for OW she wrote it for him, because she wanted to be reassured that he loves her. AND according to DI, he does love her. No need to lie. He also loves OW, he shouldn't lie about that either. At the end of the day, unless DI is sharing the details of these intimate conversations he is having with is wife with people on the board via PM, we don't really know what he said. I completely trust DI to do the right thing. He has shown incredible qualities so far. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Echoed by this one. I told him that if he was only staying for the kids, I was going to leave for him. No one wants to feel like Jenny Sanford did when the Governor said he was going to "try" to fall in love with her again. Look what that got HIM. She left. Its what usually happens. Once you've been the W, the one he chose to marry, you don't settle for him being your consolation prize that only pretends to love you because they are too afraid to leave. Sorry to say, but my impression from MMen is that that is exactly what they are doing: trying to fall in love with their wives again. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 9, 2009 Share Posted September 9, 2009 Sorry to say, but my impression from MMen is that that is exactly what they are doing: trying to fall in love with their wives again. All MM or your MM? I think it is naive to believe all MM are trying to fall in love with their wives again....b/c some never fall out- which is what makes some As so mind boggling. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Sorry to say, but my impression from MMen is that that is exactly what they are doing: trying to fall in love with their wives again. All MM or your MM? I think it is naive to believe all MM are trying to fall in love with their wives again....b/c some never fall out- which is what makes some As so mind boggling. MMen = pluralis, no definite number Link to post Share on other sites
Sanafa Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Echoed by this one. I told him that if he was only staying for the kids, I was going to leave for him. No one wants to feel like Jenny Sanford did when the Governor said he was going to "try" to fall in love with her again. Look what that got HIM. She left. Its what usually happens. Once you've been the W, the one he chose to marry, you don't settle for him being your consolation prize that only pretends to love you because they are too afraid to leave. Seriously, is this OW against BS week? I am sorry...but MM literally told both MC and her that they never had intimacy, marriage was never based on that and the Wife agreed. Sorry..... to me that is saying.... not romantic love.... not "marriage" love... She stayed.... because they love each other... because as we have said many times... there is more to it than lovey/dovey The question will be for both... for sometime- if that is enough now as it wasn't enough before and they knew it wasn't. They either find something they never had ( fake it to you make it is a great analogy and truly many in business full believe in it) or they decide what the new marriage will look like. MB is FULL and I do mean FULL of BS saying " she says she doesn't love me,... he says he loves her" and the advice "He is in affair fog! Make him see the light!" Link to post Share on other sites
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